Poems about ptsd

Really real

A little bud of consciousness
Born out of pain
Developed and grew
Thoughts and desires
Personality and voice
A soul
I am really real
The world does not know
Who really is real
Body may be the same
But I still feel
I am really real
I am Claire
18 and free
I love
I laugh
I breath
I move
I am really real
It is her body
Her arms
Her legs
My soul
I am really real
I took her pain
I took her doubts
I held them all
And protected this body
Why cant I live?
Why cant I love?
I am really real
One day I will scream
One day I will shout
One day they will hear
One day every one will Know
I am really real

by actressandwriter

i am lost, walking through the winding roads.
never ending through shadows.
walking alone because they told me to,
walking alone, they cast me off.
if there is a light,
let it shine soon,
i cant see ahead or behind.
no hand to reach to,
no heart to trust.
i hide so much in my heart, they taught me to.
they took away my joy in my life.
no star to wish upon,
no light to see the truth.
they turn off the lights,
and see what they wish.
and death wishes are carved into my soul, my heart, my body.
chains bound to me,
a hell that they have made.
and i see that my salvation never came.

by songbird

It's all a lead blanket,
to keep it all inside so I only poison me.
I cannot inconvenience them all--so I
shut down, go comatose.
I can't even feel my own body.
While inside, I'm wild,
All sharp jagged edges and high winds.
Screaming so loud inside my own mind,
That I can't hear you when you speak
to me.
So they all think I'm lazy--sedentary.
I've just learned not to stir up the toxin.
I'm nonfunctional and unreliable--can't move.
For fear I won't stop before--I can't snap back.
Before I destroy all in my path.
Burn the whole damn thing down with me.
Angry I can't stop myself from diving in.
Because I'm so irritated inside;
bleeding life just to look at you.
Because I'm trying not to feel so,
And you know I never forgive myself,
for poisoning you all--again
after the explosion.
Because I'm trying not to be so radioactive.

by weepingwillow
Not for me

I am being swallowed whole by this.
Feel my world shrinking by the minute.
I look out through the bars behind my eyes,
wondering if anyone can see the cage I'm stuck in?
Fear and uncertainty are wearing me down again.
Rage and despair control me again and I've got
Nowhere to go.
Who cares?
There is no relief for this constant ache.
Overwhelmed by miniscule decisions.
I lean on you crushed to pieces.
All of these years of introspection later--
there isn't any hope and there aren't any dreams.
Still I slog on gritting my teeth every day.
I promised-
and I will.
There is no purpose to my life.
There is no divinity or sacredness.
No difference one day to the next.
My soul tied up in barbed wire I pretend I don't .
So I can present the impossible me to the world.
Whole and complete and at peace with myself.
It's not possible.
It's not for me.

by weepingwillow
Stealing time

Stealing time
that was never mine.
A little more
each day goes by.
Draw it in
and hold it tight.
Mask the fear
that it's not mine.
Hold them close
don't let them by.
Draw my ties
and pull them tight.
Fourteen years
such a long time.
Fourteen years
that were not mine.
Fourteen years
of stolen time.

by weepingwillow
Glances, questions...

Awkward silence.
Time passes   as distance deepens.
Words spoken,
Sharp as daggers,
Cleave the air.
Secrets betrayed   and trust shattered.
Run or stay?
Brick by brick,
Walls grow and envelope
Then they blot out the sky.
Winding pathways   leading you astray,
Bones unseen beneath.
Trampled and   awaiting discovery.
Voices echo as ghosts   peer around corners.
Miles of confusion
Chaos eclipsing common sense.
Every stone a loss of self.
Beloved friends and family   lost in battle.
Until only memories remain.
The lost souls   haunting the present.
Shadows grow stronger,
As reality fades.
Flights of fancy
Free the enslaved.
Until only the body remains.
Shame, regret, anger
Then finally pain
Complete the descent.
A door opens...
A light glimmers.
The flame is extinguished.
The door closes   as the key turns,
Silence echoes   as space shrinks.
One by one they say goodbye,
Silent screams   as reality strikes.
Darkness unfolding,
Promises of relief.
Caught in the middle,
Torn between light and dark.
Seeking anonymity.
A hand beckons,
Fear paralyzing
Voices echoing a warning   too late.
A few steps then falling.
The ground gone,
Fog above and black below.
Frantically searching   for a foothold,
Only finding walls of glass.
Faces peering in.
Air pulling in all directions.
Winds cycling until   a tornado of chaos.
Dazed and disoriented,
Fact and fiction   indistinguishable.
Lines curving   until patterns are obscured.
Time spinning   faster and faster
Then lost as it is   suspended...
A hand appears in the fog.
Defying fear and gravity...
You grasp it tightly.
Not knowing where you go   or who is leading.
Blindly following.
Heart racing,   breaths coming short
Knowing this   your final chance.
A gamble of good vs. evil.
Life and death.
I close my eyes and leap.

by kailima
Ambivalent post-break up feelings

Thoughts of you ram me from my senses.
Why can't you go?
I grasp at everyone, every moment.
I'm still wishing for a few more.
...i miss you...
I gave you the liberty to go.
I didn't just stand back, I helped you leave.
I made it easy for you to walk your destiny.
I cut my heart out for you, so you wouldn't have to.
Why can't anyone make it easy for me?!
I desperately cling to your faint existance.
I hope it leaves my life.
A new twist on an old theory--
If I can't have you, leave me the fuck alone!
Alone...I am alone, you're not really here.
...i need you...
You wouldn't extend my freedom, yet I gave yours.
And off you went, with part my very essence.
I let it go easily with wishes and love.
With a mind screaming, a soul twisting.
Why do they leave me in this place?!
...don't go...

by weepingwillow
You think you're weak. I think you're strong

You think you're weak. I think you're strong
You wonder how you stuck around this long
Every day seems worse than the day before
Not sure you will be able to take this anymore
you have been together forever; but that's not a reason to stay
It's not your fault he treats you this way
You have a choice to get up and leave
to take a stand for what you believe
To replace those bad memories, with something new
To be with someone who truly loves you
I know it's hard and that you are afraid
Don't focus on the past and the mistakes that you have made
Use your strength and open your eyes
and you will see some light through those stormy skies
For every insult and every bruise, you ever took
For every demeaning and disrespectful look
For every friend he made you lose
and every time he made you choose
For every sleepless night
for every single horrible fight
For every smile he turned into a frown
For every time you cringed when he was around
For all these things, use this as your strength to leave
You are so much better than this, you just have to believe
Know you are beautiful, that you are strong
Know that this is not where you belong
Know that you can have such a beautiful life, and be loved deeply and true
You just have to find the strength I know you have deep inside of you.
And if you feel you can't do this on your own and you need a little help
Know that I was standing right beside you this whole time, and you don't have to do this by yourself.

by Guest
This Too Shall Pass...

This too shall pass
Constantly haunted   by my dark past
Feeling happy just won't last
When will I truly be free?
Or is this something   I will not see
  Anniversary dates   that kill me inside
Dates that make me   want to go hide
Telling myself   I will be all right
While crying myself   to sleep at night
Feeling any minute   I'll break like glass
But hopefully in time   this too shall pass

by L. Lee Ramey (januaryhorse)
La Mariposa

She peeps from the safety of her shell
At the fluorescent colours of life,
It's only been months she's been freed from hell
She is still so full of strife
Some days she manages to crawl outside
To get a better world view
So much has been transformed deep within
So much has been made new
When it doesn't hurt
She unwinds her wings
She looks at their beauty and cries
She was fine before, living without wings
Yet gratitude fills her eyes
That despite her transformation
The god- awful change
Despite the hell on her soul
Every once in a while from her shell she sees
How she fits seamlessly
In the magnificence of the whole.

by Freshair
Bruises take days to heal...

Bruises take days to heal
Bones take months to set
Scars fade when given years
But how long does it take a broken mind to mend?

by Nighter
Another voice

Sorry about
calling you last night.
Sometimes at night
I'll be lying there
and I need to hear
another human voice.
Just to
clear my head.
Or I'll just lie there
and go crazy.
Need to hear
another human voice
just long enough
to straighten
me out a little.
You were the only one
I could call
that time of night.

by weepingwillow
Perfect ending

I am electrifyingly numb
and muddled.
The fog swirls, the thick feel of my thoughts
keeps me from communicating.
And I fear
I fear
I fear
my future.
Your reaction, any and all reactions.
I suffer, laughably,
some strong pained martyr I make myself
out to be.
The part of distressed artist,
I play so well,
when I've been told how easy I can be fixed.
All in my mind, my head.
I forgot it
was important, again.
A subject, and ending I look for.
The perfect ending,
mmmm... perfect ending.
The end?

by weepingwillow

Hands on my face,
Hands on my face,
Bruising and bashing and breaking my face,
Banishing me to a cold, lonely, place.
Hands in my hair,
Hands in my hair,
Ripping and pulling and tearing my hair,
Sending me into the deepest despair.
Hands around my neck,
Hands around my neck,
Squeezing, compressing, and gripping my neck,
Violet fingerprints left when I'd check.
Hands on my heart,
Hands on my heart,
Stinging and burning and shattering my heart,
Hands I so happened to love from the start.

by bella404

i'm sorry i ran into your door
don't know why you always gotta be slammin' 'em
to say that it don't hurt me
is a lesson in banana-ism
maybe you just can't see
my boundaries when they're non-physically
communicated to you
cuz no matter what i do
i only see regrets repeated
i never feel like my boundaries are heeded
i don't like the angry roll
throwing cups and smashing skulls
into the wall of my childhood home
where physical fights were often the norm
and i would hide and shut it out
the other choice is to have a bout
so when i tell you that anger scares me
yells and slamming and hurtful words
why when it scares me does it seems ok
for you to push my boundaries this way
over and over it happens it seems
i've brought it up, when we talked you said
    hmm, "that's interesting" 
but maybe it's my bad for letting it keep 
i should stand my ground
but it affects me anyway
i should calmly explain and detach from the fight
and ignore you when you say I'm just running away
i'll keep my truth 
i know that it's wrong
to cause harm with words or actions
and not say sorry, or i feel you 
i'm sorry for not leaving
the moment you kicked me out
for responding to your yells
for turning myself about
i don't like that it's justified
that i ran into a door
in your mind
yes i knew you were gonna slam it
as you got in one last scathing word
just have to always always have it
but a door in a room
doesn't move by itself
you were there you were slamming
i didn't fight with myself
you violate my boundaries
and i'm sorry that i let you
i guess i thought it normal
for someone who just pretends to love you
maybe that sounds harsh
i don't mean you judge you as fake
but if you never seek to understand me
what kind of relationship recipe does that make?
a conversation about an issue
involves both our feelings and our minds
empathy is borne in the the head
in the heart is where the feelings reside
when you share your heart 
and your feelings, regrets
you don't use your head
you don't have no doubts
the mind builds a bridge
the heart paints it with color
building means thinking
from other perspectives, and dreaming
of how to connect 
with the one that you love
how to take down the walls
and let the truth rise above
boundaries should be re-assessed
and angry words should be used less
i'm sorry when I push your boundaries
i want so much to have no walls, no mess
i hate when you show you anger
with actions
i guess you like your boundaries
and how it affects me is just a 

by Tokala
Letting go

My love language is 
Quality time
And we had some
Quality rhymes
Some explosive crimes
Sharing our
Agitated minds
And we packed
A whole lifetime
Into that month
Love, smiles and 
Your soothing 
It felt like forever
I loved to just linger 
It didn't take long
For me to realize...
That the 2nd floor balcony
Is much
Too low
To live up to 
Ideative standards
Suicidal parameters
Because doing a job
Half assed
Is no way to live
(Even if it's how I live)
And not a good way to try 
To die
Maybe better
To kill us instead
The two headed monster
We made out of fiery love 
And the smoke of our kindled fears
Until it burned away, leaving only dread
Maybe killing us
Saved you and me
Let our spirits roam free
And consequently
I feel,
I dream,
I'm Distracted from my avoidant distractions
I'm Drawn to these odd refractions
Broken glass and twisted mirrors; 
I'm finding they lie shattered
in the past
and when relax my grip
when i start to let go
my fingers finally bleed
i see myself looking forward
and see it's healing my soul

by Tokala
Shaka: when the walls fell

it takes so much
and effort
to look away
not see that looping reel
of your looming grinning face
and all the terror that i feel
it takes
so much
to keep it from surfacing
and when i forget and get happy
and worry less, then i guard less
and the walls start to crumble
that's when i feel that familiar rumble
slowly at first, liquid shit and utterances unreharsed...
the need to keep moving
my skins feels like it's burning
my blood is thick my skin is thin
my focus is gone and I can't find no meaning...
and i got no will to crush all this ruminative thinking
and i think maybe i should just let it flow...
... but there's nowhere for it to really go
i try to breathe it out
i try to write it out
play it out on my guitar
sing it out from my gut
smoke it out with incense and palo santo
drown it in lavendar baths
i resist the urge to drink it out
or cut it out
or jump
so i rebuild the walls
spend some time outside
recharge in the sun
maybe soon I can have some fun...
as long as i'm with friends and just a little distracted
not fully happy, because that means the walls were retracted
not fully present, because the horror that lives in my mind
reptilian logic leaves my mammal brain blind
I get so impulsive and act so unkind
so i breathe it in and out
try to live in the now
remembering that these walls serve a purpose
and i'm not ready to take them down

-- note --
"Shaka: when the walls fell" is from an episode of a star trek called "Darmok" where captain picard unwillingly teams up with Darmom, an alien whom he cannot communicate with, to fight an invisible monster that comes and goes.
I thing PTSD is like an invisible monster that's difficult to fight, and while it's tempting to isolate, folks heal better when they fight together.
Also, the walls are a good metaphor for the avoidance that is central to so many's experience... and the walls crumbling for me describes the chaos of the monster-- or the way PTSD is instrusive; the mind is slipping back into the traumatic experience it never left; the walls crumbling is a failure of our defense mechanisms.
I like t

by Tokala