Poems about drugs

Red flags are pretty

I should have known
from that one time...
 
where you kicked me out
said I'm not welcome
 
then slammed the door
three times
 
but the deadbolt was out
and you cracked that poor door's spine
 
and i thought
"what about mine"?
 
but i left...
and i cried
 
and i wrote giant paragraphs of text
and you wrote giant paragraphs of text
 
and we decided
i should come back...
 
and later, when we talked about it
how the door doesn't close
the half busted lock-- it remembers and it knows...
 
but you forgot (or denied)
that it ever even happened
you refused to believe
that the crack was new
and came about of your
mad design
 
that you called me by name
when you kicked me out
and that should have been
a sign
 
i should have known...
 
when you woke me up
at 3am
and yelled and screamed
and made me sleep
in my bed
 
how your sister said your mom
did the same thing
to your nephew next door...
and his bond to her
grew stronger and she became his floor...
 
i should have known...
 
when you said
"I need to make sure
you have your own bed"
and that it can't be put away
it should be ready every day
 
because "I'm an anrgy person"
you would always say...
 
so I get to deal with it
if I leave then you'll feel it...
 
I should have known...
 
when you attacked me
then ran from me...
then said that I shamed you
when I told you...
"I'm going to sleep in the car
you can have the tent"
as blood leaked from my
not-yet-a-scar
 
and then the next day...
you worried what I would do and say...
would I leave you? would I
"hold this over you"?
would people think you a monster?
 
but what about me?
do you consider that with your decry?
 
i spent all my energy
supporting you
lifting you up
making you feel better
about what you did
to me
 
saying it would be fine
saying I won't re-live that crime in my mind
i won't want to drink more wine to feel just a little more sublime
that it'll be better if we only give it some time
my feelings and outbursts could shame you so I'll make sure they stay JUST mine...
 
and on my misery and loneliness
i began to dine...
 
chew it
swallow
shove it down in my gut
 
let it permeate my body
mind
and even my butt
 
i should have known....
 
not to get into bed with you
not to move into a home with you
 
that one night when we fought
in the street
about RFID chips and
conspiracies
 
and I apologized ...
because megan said I was broken
and i thought so too
only I didn't know she knew
just what strings to pull
to make me feel like I'm the monster
when she's dating her future husband
and in the same rhyme
saying "I love you, come out here, we'll have a good time....
forget that back burner thing, it'll be just fine
i'm moving to be with you
and there aren't any hidden designs
in my mind"
 
i should have known...
 
and i did.
 
i did the whole time.
 
but even i know i'm broken...
 
can't trust myself--
 
hell i can barely even rhyme
 
i felt rejected dejected miserable and imperfected
 
i know now this illusory world of "my problems" is too often just her own issues projected
and my gullibility is reflected
when part of me knows what's up and then my anger is inflected
 
red flags
 
look prettier
 
every
single
day.
 
so next time
 
i can promise me
 
i won't
look
away.
...

by Tokala