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Supporting others in abusive situations

Tasha1701D

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#41
I've been unemployed a few times in my life, and there are resources where I live that I can and have used, such as welfare, unemployment services, food stamps, etc. When I was around 22/23, I was unemployed for a time, having just returned from out of the country. My mom and dad let me live with them, with the provision that I do things around the house in lieu of rent until I got a job and could contribute to the household financially. I felt this was pretty fair at the time, a few of my younger siblings who were still under 18 felt it was unfair, because they didn't think I should be able to “free-load” off of mom and dad. Ultimately, it was between me and my parents, though, and what arrangement we worked out.

I was also at a point in my life where experience was a better teacher than being told what to think/do by others. I greatly benefitted from the experience of learning how to take care of myself, manage my financial needs, learn how to apply myself towards achieving a goal, etc. My mom and dad helped me some, but not a lot. They gave me a place to live, and I was able to eat with the rest of my family if I contributed to the household in some way like chores, dishes, cleaning, etc, and showed them that I was applying for jobs and working to becoming independent. I felt a little stifled by having to show what I was doing, but ultimately it prepared me for things later on, like how I would have to show a boss what I was contributing to a job.

I feel very grateful to my parents for their willingness to help me out when I was in that situation, and for them giving me boundaries as well, so that I did have some expectations to meet, even if I felt a little miffed/annoyed by some of the things they wanted me to do. Looking back, I see what they were trying to do and it did benefit me for years afterward.

Hope things work out for your friend.
 
Y

Yura

Guest
#42
Hello, thank you for all the replies!

Nah, we live in poor European countries with very bad access to Social Support. And as he lives in a giant city which he doesn't know so well, he said he doesn't even know where could places like Public Employment offices be etc.
We tried googling them and something that came up appears to be at the other end of the whole city, which, as he says, is more than 2 hours of bus/metro rides away, aka expensive and he can't afford it even :D
I mean there HAS to be better access to all those things, or at least in a perfect world there would be... How damn hard can it be to find a job for a healthy 23 year old... People really want to assume that "he isn't looking hard enough then" but idk really.

I have a feeling he is looking in the wrong places, and as the woman is pushing him to find it very quickly, he is also looking for anything. He is a nice, talented person tho, and if he could take it a bit more relaxedly, he would actually even find a job with according qualifications - I just don't see this happening when he is pushed into applying to packaging food and stuff (not a bad job either, but he has actual education for more complex jobs).

Also, over here welfare, unemployment benefits and such only are accessible when we have legally worked before and payed the social taxes; or are students, under 18 or invalids. Same goes for health insurance.

And yes - experience is the best teacher. But apparently there are some very specific formulas for people to get caught in between the cogwheels of the system, become criminals, drug dealers, addicts and other sorts of absusive broken people - and I can see it so clearly, how a person, if pushed enough into desperation, will just flip and make all the "wrong" decisions.

I've been trough hell and came out well from the other side in the end - sure, I'm proud and all that - but I think the only reason everything is "alright" now, is because of the thin threads of support I got from people I knew back then - I was lucky enough to have friends who helped me establish some sort of financial independency over the course of years.
I consider myself VERY lucky.

I got away from a chaotic bad home, lived with a friend in another town, he didn't make me pay rent as I didn't earn enough for years... And well, now I can manage on my own all well and I am enjoying my socially awkard soltitude all on my own.
But looking back - it took FIVE years to achieve this independence - and I knew darn well that if I had to look at it from the other end, "in five years I will have finincial independence" wouldn't look so promising and motivating. From that sad point of view thinking that "this all will be over in one year" is depressing as we, as young people, do not have any optimistic referrences to "one year" or "five years"... :/

SO, my internet friend in the other country doesn't have those kinds of friends to support him and apparently has an even shittier set of parents than I did - so I feel like he does need at least some sort of support to get trough this shit - letting him know what kinds of social services exsist and what kind of support he is entitled to - that's important and nobody of us knows these things since birth.
Neither did we know that we don't really have to put up with absuive a-holes and there is a way out (shelters and stuff for you - I am not aware if we have those over here, so thanks for telling, I will look into it)

I believe he will come out great in the other end and that everything is on the right track - I honestly came here for additional solutions and ideas - you have provided some and I thank you for that :)
 

Sunfl0wer

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#43
I mean there HAS to be better access to all those things, or at least in a perfect world there would be... How damn hard can it be to find a job for a healthy 23 year old... People really want to assume that "he isn't looking hard enough then" but idk really
I don't at all condone emotional or any abuse fist off.

However, I do want to say, many folks feel that if a person does not have a job, then they could be spending 40 hrs a week in their jib searching efforts seeking one in many ways. And I actually know that for me that I would be in a depressed muck for a while till I freak out with the reality of the negative consequences of that.

Yet I also think it is a reasonable expectation to have. I heard on the news (US news) that 80% of jobs are actually NOT advertised. I don't know if this is true, but I do know that in my experience, it actually is because usually I get a job by letting first friends know that I am looking, and them each giving me a handful of possible leads. Then actually speaking to the companies I want to work for, sometimes thinking up creative ways to carvenout or make a job.

It sounds though that you are saying your friend has some difficulties with these things is the sense I am getting. Sounds like you are saying that he has issues managing things maybe to an extent that if he were in US he would apply for disability, idk, sorry if I am not grasping.

Sucks when I feel like I cannot do something and the people around me make it harder with more negativity.
Idk
 
Y

Yura

Guest
#44
Yeah, I know it too that looking for a job can be as intense as a telemarketing job. And it does make sense that not all jobs are being advertised - everything is right.

This all just doesn't come naturally to a person who has never had experience with that stuff before, doesn't have ANYone showing the ropes of that life to him (normally a parent or an older sibling would help with the basics, instruct etc, I assume - instead of this he gets negative pressure, mocking and threats - try to find a satisfying job in your best good will with those kinds of conditions :D It is cruel and inhuman! I think he will get a job, though - but as he is being rushed instead of finding a decent one with thorough search, it will be a job he will completely hate c.c (but I guess we all have been there too, so that's... natural)).

Idk if "being socially awkward" really categorizes as a mental disorder entitled to "disability" anymore in any places of the world :D

Just regular, humane assistance would do the "job" I think :) Anyway, I got all the info I needed now, I think everything's gonna be alright.
 

weepingwillow

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#45
From someone that didn't learn a lot of very important life skills, just having someone willing to help walk me through stuff was amazing. It's embarrassing to admit that, for example, you're 20 and don't know how to use a washer and dryer. Since these are skills everyone assumes you have it's hard to ask for help or admit you even need it, for me it was anyway. There may be life skills, or job hunting classes available where you are. We have places that help you put together a resume and learn basic interviewing skills, and if you're unemployed looking for work you can sign up. It's kind of a public service thing where I live. idk if that's unusual or not, but if there is such a thing near him that might help.

I also found a lot of information online when I was trying to teach myself how to write a resume, and there are some pretty good youtube vids about interview stuff. Something that helped me with interviews, which are an enormous hurdle for me due to metal health problems, was to have someone pretend to interview me. Got me used to the back and forth, thinking quickly enough to answer questions, what types of questions might be asked, and took a smidgen of stress out of the real one. This is recommended a lot, and worked for me. Not sure what country he is in, but there are job search websites like indeed and monster where employers post positions they have available. It's not just one type of job, so there's a variety of things to look at, and you're nearly guaranteed that the place is actually hiring. (Was actually told once that they were hiring, but weren't taking applications. Huh? :dk)

There's only so much you can do online, and it sounds like you are doing what you can for him already. Sounds like he is also putting in the needed effort, so it's kind of a waiting game while he applies for stuff I'd think. Helping him with the CV probably was huge. Any skills someone taught me were appreciated. :rs for you and your friend
 

Tasha1701D

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#46
There may be life skills, or job hunting classes available where you are. We have places that help you put together a resume and learn basic interviewing skills, and if you're unemployed looking for work you can sign up.
I've used things like this as well. I also forgot to mention that I've found temp agencies very helpful when I've been unemployed cuz they have a bank of jobs already that they need people for. It's actually how I got one of my jobs in my career field. I was just telling them what I wanted to do and they looked into what jobs they had available to see if it would fit. It took a few months after I initially went to them for a job in my field to come up, and so they had me working at various other sites until that one came up, but I was earning money, could buy food and support myself. And I kept looking for openings on my own too, just made it less stressful since I had money coming in and I knew someone else was also looking. I know for me, having a steady job has really been important for my mental health state, just feeling stable knowing I can provide for myself and stuff, so it made it easier for me to look for a job and do interviews etc. :)
 

Jane

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#47
Think it is great you are there for him...listening.

:dk in my case what matters is that people (and I don't share my dx with many) accept that living with DID does not define me...that in the main I am able to self care this area of my life...and if not I am well able seek the help of my professional. So is not advice or opinions I would be seeking if I was in your friends situation, would be acceptance...and most of all to not have my dx get in the way of our friendship...make my friend think I was needy, less capable of making my own decisions. Helps me most of all to feel respected as a person and fully in charge of my own ship. :rs:rs
 
F

Flowers

Guest
#48
My adult brother is abusing our mom and I don't know what to do about it

Me, my older brother, his fiance, my oldest brother (J, 23), my step dad/their dad, and my mom (42) all live together in a small house. We don't have a lot of money - most of the time we make do, but every couple of months or so we dip into poverty and have to scrounge for a while. Most of us are mentally ill, including me, but my brother and my mom are the worst. J has anxiety, depression, SEVERE agoraphobia, and quite a few undiagnosed issues - very likely paranoia, definitely some kind of apetite disorder where his apetite for food is almost directly linked to his mood - and if he doesn't have "an apetite" for it he throws it up (involuntary) - possibly borderline-personality disorder, and he is pretty sure he has shizophrenia (but of course refuses to go to the hospital to get this diagnosed). Our mother has depression, anxiety, less-severe agoraphobia (she takes xanax to deal with it since she doesn't have a choice to not leave the house), borderline-personality disorder, and probably some other things. They are both miserable, basically. But he takes all of his issues out on her. He asks her for help, refuses all of the things she can do, and then tells her she's a shitty mom for not helping him and that he hates her. She will make appointments for him that he keeps asking her to make, and if the place of the appointment changes anything he will refuse to go and tell herit's her fault and treat her like garbage. If she has to change anything about the appointment, it's worse. Whenever the appointment is fine, he cancels it for some reason or other and she is expected to make a new one. Sometimes she will forget he has an appointment - she does this a lot and happens to everyone, she has severe memory issues and she has for years, this is not news to anyone - and then it is ten times worse. When they get into arguments, a lot of the time when they aren't face to face he will send her pages of texts telling her she's a bad mother and that he hates her. He has told her he hopes she gets in a car accident, something she has severe anxiety about, among other things. Recently she went to her sister's wedding in another state, and during the ceremony he texted her asking for money to buy some pokeballs for Pokemon Go (basically some items in a phone app game) before our brother and I went out on a quick shopping trip so he could go with us. She didn't respond in time (because she was in the wedding ceremony) and he told her this, word for word: "Thanks a lot. They left and you screwed me. Again. Just because you decided to ignore me. I hate you. I really, really do. You don't do anything a mom should do and I hate you for that and I always will. I hope you're happy with your actions". Many times during arguments he has threatened to move out and be homeless, and he has threatened to kill himself.

She can't kick him out or force him into an inpatient facility because she is thuroughly convinced that SHE has to help him, because it's her fault he is the way he is. We have tried telling her that there is nothing she can do to help him, especially when she needs help herself. However, we wouldn't be able to afford one anyway. I have been watching him manipulate her and harass her and call her names and dominate her life for about four or so years and I can't handle it anymore but I don't know what to do. He refuses to believe he's abusive and blames all of his behaviour on his mental illnesses. Mom refuses to kick him out (even though she has kicked out his dad twice), no one is allowed to get invovled in their fights (this doesn't always stop everyone, but every time someone else gets involved it gets worse), and this house has very thin walls so you can usually hear them arguing from any room. I don't know what to do. This is awful and she is never going to heal while he is around her
 

weepingwillow

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#49
:rs for you. I can only imagine how stressful this situation must be to live with. idk, nothing you can do about your brother's behavior, or anyone else but him. People can change, but they have to want to/have a reason to. Same with your mom, she is aware of the situation and chooses to continue in it. It sounds like it's a lot of stress and bad for her, but only she can make that decision.

If he's truly a threat to himself or someone else you do have the option of calling the police. Or around here we have a crisis services unit that will come, so that might be an option for you as well. What I did in a similar situation was get my things together to move. It took a while because money was an issue for me too. Can also relate to living paycheck to paycheck on a good week, and choosing which bills to skip paying on a bad one.

:rs for you. It's unfair that you have to live with the stress of this bad family dynamic between your mom and your brother.
 

Jane

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#50
Hear you. Sounds like your mother and brother have a somewhat unhealthy dynamic going on...probably works for them but not easy for you to be exposed to on a daily basis. I would also find it hard to live with and accept a family relationship like the one you describe. Bottom line, however, is your mother does have the choice to ask your adult brother to leave...but as is her right elects to let him stay and accept how he treats her. Not saying that his and her mental problems may not contribute to their reactions to each other, but also accept that this does not remove her right to make her own choices and continue to do this as long as this does not put her own or anyone elses life at risk.

Idk do you have a case worker? Is the sort of situation s/he may be able to support you with...maybe help you to look at subsidised accomodation options...benefits etc that would allow you to move out and no longer have to witness and live with the stress you describe. :rs:rs
 
U

Unregistered

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#51
please help me help these poor kids

*name of the person* of *address of the person* has been drugging her 15 year old daughter and young son in order to use their urine (she smokes weed) to obtain *name of a medication* prescriptions that she sells. She keeps ** out of ** pills and sells the rest of the script for $** to a woman who sells them for $** a piece in *name of the town*. looks like the next generation of addicts has started, unfortunately its not the doctors but the parents who are creating them.

Mod edit: identifying information removed due to legal reasons
 

Manya

here an there
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#52
sounds concerning, did you try talking to law enforcement and/or child protective services in your area? this is an anonymous message board, im sure local authorities would be able to help you help these kids a lot more efficiently. besides, you cant publicly accuse someone of a crime they werent convicted of yet, mentioning their full name and address; its defamation of character, obstruction of justice, whole bunch of issues. please contact the authorities instead :rs
 
U

Unregistered

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#53
Helping my friend extract himself

My best friend broke up with his abusive partner years ago. However, they continue to live in the same house, as she threatens/attacks/has a complete meltdown every time he tries to move out, she gets drunk, or they otherwise fight. He feels trapped due to obligation and guilt, as he feels that she is completely and utterly dependent on him, and if he moves out it will be too hard on her. He is in therapy to help him overcome this, but it's like he is trapped in this prison he can't seem to remove himself from. He isn't afraid of her physically hurting him and doesn't really fear for his safety (although she's bloodied his face many times), he is afraid of being the cause of so much anguish in her life.

The incidences of physical/emotional abuse are relatively few and far between (as they don't really interact much), but he is in absolute misery. There are a lot of deep issues on his end, including crippling depression and anxiety. He has a stressful job and feels like it's easier to just not deal with things at home.

I've watched this go on for a long time (about 3 years), and been as supportive and non-judgmental as possible. However, I have decided that I'm going to come to him (he lives quite far from me) and remove him from the situation. What's always prevented me is a fear that he will be upset or hate me. i basically don't care anymore. I can't stand to watch him live like this - he's barely functioning and it's not been good for either of them.

I will simply get him an apartment (which he can easily afford; money is not an issue at all) and go to his house, and tell him/her that he is moving out. She is your typical bully, and I don't expect any issues with her, but I'll bring someone along just in case. I've been hinting at this for a while, and part of me suspects that part of him hopes I will come. In any case, I don't expect to need to go through with it. I think he will move out himself before I get there, but I feel like he needs the push.

I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation, and if anyone could share? I'm not really looking for advice so much as anyone's shared experiences and would be open to ideas/things I've not thought of. Has anyone confronted a non-dangerous abuser? Any thoughts on making it as easy and pain-free as possible? Thanks in advance, and thanks for reading.
 

Manya

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#54
I've watched this go on for a long time (about 3 years), and been as supportive and non-judgmental as possible. However, I have decided that I'm going to come to him (he lives quite far from me) and remove him from the situation. What's always prevented me is a fear that he will be upset or hate me. i basically don't care anymore. I can't stand to watch him live like this - he's barely functioning and it's not been good for either of them.
:dk if someone in my life started making and enforcing decisions on whats good and whats bad for me - id ask them to cut it out, and would certainly call the police if they didnt drop it instantly. just my two cents :bf
 
U

Unregistered

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#55
I need some advice on a someone who is being abused

First it's hard for me to explain this situation I'm in, my friend is in an abusive relationship. Recently her boyfriend actually hit her so hard it cracked her sternum which caused her to lose her job. I am the only friend that she is allowed to have, or that she has fought so hard in order to keep. I'm trying my hardest to remain calm and oblivious in front of her boyfriend as if I know nothing.

I know I can't tell her to leave the relationship as It's not going to have any effect, I can only support her no matter the decision she makes. I try to get her to think about why she is in the relationship and how she feels towards this man. Here is my dilemma. At first I didn't want to give my input to her because honestly i really like this girl. I felt as if it would come around to look like I was being trying to break up their relationship so I could have a chance. She really pressed me for my advice so I gave it to her.
Now I am sitting here debating on if I should tell her my feelings noting that I am not acting on them, but I want to make them clear so she can keep that in mind if she wants my advice. I don't expect a relationship from this girl, I just want to get her away from the abuse. I hate seeing her cry.
Should I tell her my feelings? If i do I want to make it clear to her that I am not acting on them, the only thing on my mind right now is her safety.

Second, she claims the only reason she is still with him is because she recently signed a lease for the apartment with him. from what i've read you put in a termination notice with a domestic violence report on it she can get it terminated. How can I go about putting it in her mind that she should call the cops when he hits her?
 

Jane

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#56
Imo is up to you to decide whether or not to share your feelings for your friend. Up to her if you do how she reacts. Can only speak for myself but I have always believed that one intimate relationship needs to end before another one begins...two timing just seems wrong to me - underhand and messy.

In your position I would also need to be sure that I was seeking to establish a relationship with this woman based on appropriate reasons not seeing myself or encouraging her to see me as a rescuer.

Agree with you that as an adult she has the right to make her own decisions; good ones, bad ones - just like the rest of us.
 
U

Unregistered

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#57
Thank you for your response. I too believe one relationship must end, I am not seeking to be in a relationship with her, but I don't want it to ever be viewed as if I purposely tried to break them up due to my feelings. I really didn't want to give her advice because of this but she got it out of me when she persisted on getting my advice on what she should do.
All I could tell her was to evaluate whether or not she loved this man and she felt it could be salvaged.
Even sharing that makes me feel like I crossed the line because of how I feel about her.

Been thinking about it all day, I just want her to be with someone who can actually make her happy, and I don't believe that is myself, so I think I'm just going to keep it to myself.

Thanks again for your input,
D
 

Manya

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#58
How can I go about putting it in her mind that she should call the cops when he hits her?
wanted to comment on this, cuz to lotsa people this sounds obvious, which results in the conclusion that the victim is somehow, idk, impaired maybe. dont wanna say "dumb" cuz im sure thats not what most supporters actually think, but maybe that shes too stressed out to think straight, or scared to the point of being irrational, or is suffering from ptsd or some other condition that impairs her abilities. and so people wanna help her by explaining things to her, educating her, pressuring her to do something, sometimes even providing surprise interventions. a while back someone posted on this forum that they were planning to kidnap their friend, to just drive to their place, pack them in a car against their will, and drive off. cuz they felt their friend was being irrational and that things were getting "too far" or some such.

im not trying to be rude, and im not making any parallels, im sure youre respectful of that girls boundaries. but i just wanted to say that its rarely as simple as just calling the cops when he hits you. i mean, without going into the whole multitude of reasons why, just scratching the surface to illustrate what i mean:

lets say he hits her again, she calls the cops, her injury is visible, neither of them deny what happened, so the cops arrest him on misdemeanor charges (instead of simply making a domestic disturbance report and driving off). cuz this isnt a felony, its a misdemeanor, unless shes in coma or something. so he'll spend a few hours/days/weeks in jail, depending on circumstances. after that he'll be released, and she'll be back at square one, cept now he's mad that she called the cops, and they are screwed financially cuz he wasnt contributing to their rent while sitting in jail. this is all she accomplished by calling the cops when he hit her.

im not saying that one shouldnt call the cops when getting assaulted, or that cops are useless for DV situations, or other such. of course not. cops can save your life, and sometimes its plain impossible to leave an abusive relationship without their assistance. however, no amount of cops would help if you dont wanna leave. if shes scared, or unsure, or concerned with the lease, or whatever her reasons are, but shes not ready to break up with him yet, not intending to actually leave with the cops when they arrive - calling them wont accomplish much. i mean, they cant sit there 24/7 to make sure the guy behaves, they will leave sooner or later, and she'll be on her own.

reason im saying all this is cuz she might have a much better grasp on her situation than one would assume, and has her reasons for making the choices she makes. people stuck in DV do need help, desperately so, but it works much better to first understand where they are standing and what precisely they are dealing with, before proposing solutions. i came up with this metaphor a while back: if i got my foot stuck in a bear trap, and you wanna help - you dont start yanking on it. you give me some water, sit down, and try to figure out how this trap works, whats holding my foot, and how to release it, before touching it. or, a much better solution, you call 911, and they send over a bear trap specialist, who knows all theres to know about bear traps and would be able to release my foot much quicker. there are counselors in every dv shelter, free and confidential, most accept walk-ins, and she doesnt have to stay at the shelter to talk to them. there are also hotlines and such, but her local dv counselor would know her local laws (e.g. how exactly to get out of that lease) and programs available specifically in her area that she might qualify for. idk, therapy, lawyers, etc.

im sorry for the negative post, didnt mean to criticize you, am glad that she got your support, cuz having someone who cares and wants to help makes a tremendous difference. i just hope that, in addition to your moral support, she also talks to someone trained, who would help her figure out the practicalities of how to get out of this trap shes in.

:rs for you and her
 
U

Unregistered

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#59
I came here ready to be criticized, if I wasn't then I would make the wrong moves. I came here to get a better understanding of how to approach this situation. I really do appreciate your input and when you put it like that it makes perfect sense.

Thank you Manya,
D
 
W

Want2help

Guest
#60
Secondary survivor

Hi there all, I'm looking for a little advice. A family member of mine rescently remembered being sexually abused as a child. Up until now there was no recollection of the incident that took place some 20 years ago.
As a family we are all trying to be supportive and understanding but it does come with its issues for us too. Is it normal for the victim of abuse to become mean, nasty and bitchy towards those who are caring for them? I find myself almost getting defensive of other family members that are being attacked and accused of not being there for them when I know that they are there and were always there 100% is it ok to tell the victim to stop being so heartless to those who love them? I'm afraid that if the horrible treatment of family continues that the victim will eventually push us all away to their detriment! Is it ok to take the emotional abuse they are inflicting on us because they were abused as a child?
 
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