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I finally left

Joined
Mar 14, 2021
Messages
7
#1
So as of March 12, I left my abusive relationship. I tried my best to stay as long as possible, at least for my youngest son. Yet after getting punched in the head, I could not do it anymore. My head still hurts. My hand is bruised from me trying to keep my face from getting hit. I have a big bruise on my right thigh from getting punched. I have been slapped many times. My hair has been pulled to the point that it was falling out. I have been given a bloody nose and a busted lip before. He was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive for about 2 years and I had enough of it. I was reminded all the time that I didn't pay the bills, that he was taking care of me. I couldn't think for myself. I walked on eggshells around him. Thank god all this happened while my 2 oldest children were at school and they did not get to see me getting knocked around and yelled at. I got smacked in the eye once and when I fell on the floor he would kick me and yell at me to get up. He hit me in my ribs to the point where I couldn't pick up my 2 year old without hurting. Then I was told I was milking the cow and being over dramatic about my pain. He even threatened to make it hurt worse if I wanted him to. Even now he can not admit to what he has done. It kills me that I had to leave him because deep down I love him but he made it so easy for me to leave. Now I am staying with my dad and step mom. I am feeling happier. I'm looking healthier and I am finally eating again and slowly starting to feel like me. I am so glad I found this forum to share what I have been through. I hope I will be able to help others out there like me.
 

Aimee

Moderated User
Joined
Mar 9, 2021
Messages
93
#2
Alex, sorry you had to endure that with him. I understand you loving him, even though all this abuse was happening. They abuse does hurt. Sometimes, it's hard to angle your body to where most of it won't be visible. Sometimes, there is just so much violence and force, that there's absolutely nothing at all you can do, no matter what. I'm glad you are already happier. How nice!!!! I agree, you sure can't eat with those things going on.

It took me about 15 yrs to leave a very abusive situation. I was gone for 3 years. Then, some things happened at work, I ended up in the hospital, my boss fired me b/c I was extremely hyper and acted inappropriately, while coming cold turkey, off of a psychotropic med with very bad with drawl effects. So, I went back b/c it was that or live under the freeway. I am still there, now, 24 yrs later. I had to really for once, be quite assertive with him, and put some ground rules into place, if I were to stay there again with him. The main ground rules are no raping Amy, no molesting Amy, no beating Amy up, no abuse at all. There's still emotional abuse, but, that's ok. Its so much better than it used to be. There's lots of other bad things that go on, and we live more as 2 separate people. we don't talk, we don't do things together, nothing like that at all.

I'm so glad you got out of your situation. That is a very big step to take and usually quite a difficult one. I hope your kid(s) will be okay with the transition. It's a good sign that in 2 days, you are already showing lots of improvement.

How do you feel emotionally about all of this? I know you feel somethings now, and more will hit you later.
 
Joined
Mar 14, 2021
Messages
7
#3
Alex, sorry you had to endure that with him. I understand you loving him, even though all this abuse was happening. They abuse does hurt. Sometimes, it's hard to angle your body to where most of it won't be visible. Sometimes, there is just so much violence and force, that there's absolutely nothing at all you can do, no matter what. I'm glad you are already happier. How nice!!!! I agree, you sure can't eat with those things going on.

It took me about 15 yrs to leave a very abusive situation. I was gone for 3 years. Then, some things happened at work, I ended up in the hospital, my boss fired me b/c I was extremely hyper and acted inappropriately, while coming cold turkey, off of a psychotropic med with very bad with drawl effects. So, I went back b/c it was that or live under the freeway. I am still there, now, 24 yrs later. I had to really for once, be quite assertive with him, and put some ground rules into place, if I were to stay there again with him. The main ground rules are no raping Amy, no molesting Amy, no beating Amy up, no abuse at all. There's still emotional abuse, but, that's ok. Its so much better than it used to be. There's lots of other bad things that go on, and we live more as 2 separate people. we don't talk, we don't do things together, nothing like that at all.

I'm so glad you got out of your situation. That is a very big step to take and usually quite a difficult one. I hope your kid(s) will be okay with the transition. It's a good sign that in 2 days, you are already showing lots of improvement.

How do you feel emotionally about all of this? I know you feel somethings now, and more will hit you later.

Well emotionally I am sad and a bit lonely at times because he was the only person I was really social with. Yet, last night I didn't realize how frustrated and angry I was with him until I finally opened up to my dad. I started crying and I told my dad that if he had not called me back and I hadn't heard his voice I would have stayed. It was like every emotion I could have towards him hit me at once. Then my sister came over to visit and I felt so much better being able to open up to someone who is just like me, she is like my twin just younger. So hearing what she had to say really helped me. I am struggling just a little with being on my own but being here on the 3rd day I can already see an improvement with my kids they are 8, 6, and 3. Being able to actually be the mom that I have been wanting to be with them for so long is healing me in ways that I could not have imagined.

On another note, he messaged me last night and was trying to emotionally abuse me through text but I put my foot down and the change in his response let me know that he will not change. Especially since he still has not even once tried to apologize or make amends for what he has done to me and emotionally that hurts so much because I thought this man loved me at one point in time but now I am second guessing his love for me all along.
 

Tokala

Getting The Hang Of It
Joined
Mar 15, 2021
Messages
31
#4
I think just sharing your situation is immensely helpful to folks in the same boat.

I know one of my exes took about a decade to leave her situation, because she wanted to have a mom and a dad for the kids. It wasn't as physical, I think some mutual bouts of that near the end.

And it took her a long while to come to the conclusion that a divorce and shared custody was ultimately better than the lessons the kids were possibly learning about how relationships work.

She has her own issues to sort through too -- a lot of them foisted on her by cycles of abuse and I think her coping strategies led to dishing out abuse of her own. But she is healing and it was a very tough decision to leave.

It's very hard to leave and it takes immense strength-- not knowing how things will work. It's even harder when there's financial dominance ... her ex was petty and spiteful and held most of the keys to the accounts and such. He played the victim and while they initially wanted to keep things out of court, she and I were both glad they got a formal court-assisted divorce and he had to make some concessions and she was able to support the kids and ultimately move.

I know for me (and my situation wasn't as dire in comparison and I didn't have to worry about kids) it took a long time to feel like myself again after being with an abusive partner (not the above ex) and just endlessly trying to please and walk on eggshells and believing when they said I was "doing it wrong" and that she wanted to know *everything* I felt and whenever I did share it was not good enough, or it was shaming, or my feelings weren't "appropriate" or I was "overreacting" or "being dramatic".

I began sharing less and less and internalizing the idea that our problems were because of me and how I'm broken.

Anyway, this is all to say I'm happy for you -- rediscovering myself and reinflating my feelings of self-worth is an ongoing process. And healing sometimes involves tearing off the scab and bleeding (we can do that by sharing and letting it out), but ultimately the scab fades and turns into a scar that I treasure -- a memory of what I've been through -- and a testament to strength, resilience and a desire to overcome.


I'm learning now that whether or not my (recent, different) ex loves me or not doesn't mean I have to take the abuse or play into her demands or silent treatment or stonewalling. I believe she loves me in her own way, or wants to. But she has a fragile ego (very common in abusive men with narcissistic traits) and I am not obligated to reciprocate when she says she loves me but behaves abusively.


I feel so much lighter now. I hope you do too. Thanks for sharing and I'm hoping my rambling reply isn't too incoherent, haha. Be well! And listen to yourself (i mean... I listen to myself and that's not advice ;)
 

Tokala

Getting The Hang Of It
Joined
Mar 15, 2021
Messages
31
#5
I was reminded all the time that I didn't pay the bills, that he was taking care of me.
Just wanted to add -- if he was the one "reminding" you who paid the bills; realize that if you were taking care of the kids (and enduring tons of psychological abuse) you were doing work and taking care of a family, which our society doesn't always value the same way as income.

My older ex with kids was in a similar situation in that they had an agreement he would be the "breadwinner" and she would suspend her career and do childcare. I reminded her that it is much harder and more important to care for children then to show up and collect a paycheck. While money is important to support a family, it pales in comparison to *actually* supporting and rearing children. Receiving abuse is also "taking care of" someone in that they are shoving their insecurities/angers/shortcomings/aggressions onto another and the other person is drained; mentally emotionally and spiritually.

This is why I feel so much lighter now... no more eggshells to worry about. No more internalizing the abusive words and believing them. And all that abuse really really does take a whole on your identity -- I couldn't think for myself either and I wasn't in that relationship nearly as long.

(also if you just meant it as in he paid the bills and you reminded yourself of that because you are concerned about your ability to do so if you haven't worked in a while ... then I'll just say for my ex-with-kids, she was in that boat and luckily has some supportive family/friends and also she found that there is help available for assistance and job training... finding folks in similar situations was great for her -- after she told her story she was surprised to see how many of her friends were in similar situations but still in their relationships.)

Ok rant over ;)

Good luck in your healing journey. FWIW I think you made a very tough decision and maybe already see how much better life can be even if it takes a lot to get to a better place.

Cheers
 
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