i hear what youre saying, bella404.
idk, i think its a complicated topic, many aspects to it, hard to cover in one post. but i'll give it try
hope others contribute too. btw - this is a public forum, open to unregistered guests, not all of us are comfy discussing stuff in publilc. youd get better/more responses in Social Skills & Relationships folder. i can move the thread there if you want, but its your choice. anyway.
it helps me to separate/untangle three things: our rights, our choices, and our feelings.
say, the issue of people of coming into the room without knocking. first rights: whose room is it? my room that i pay rent for, or their room, or our shared living room, or what? cuz if its my room - i have the right to decide who comes in when how, and i can enforce this right too. e.g. by installing a lock, or getting an order of protection, or whatever. doesnt mean im gonna do it, but i just know that i can, cuz its my space, my rules. on the other hand, if its not my room - i dont get to decide who enters it how, its not my call. i can ask people to do what i want them to, i.e. knock first, but i cant demand that they do it for me. they can refuse. and i can stop spending time in their room and get my own. you know? im not trying to be cold, it just helps me to start from bare basics, who owes whom what, who has what rights exactly, before we talk of compassion, kindness, etc.
then choices. say its not my room, so they dont have to accommodate me, dont have to knock if they dont feel like it, are under no obligation to do that, my wishes are not their problem. fair enough, but this means that i might not want to spend time in their room anymore. i'll just move, and they'll miss out on my company. and i'll miss out on theirs. you know? yeah, they dont have to knock - but i dont have to spend time with them, if push comes to shove, if the knocking issue is a deal breaker for me.
it helps me tremendously to spell these things out, both for me and for the people involved, so that we're all on the same page. i had an argument with someone a while back, and at some point they said "youre not entitled to my compassion" - and they were absolutely right, i wasnt, but i had the choice to walk out and never talk to them again. and i chose to exercise that right. and they were surprised and hurt, cuz they didnt think lack of compassion would mean end of relationship, they thought the two were unrelated, that we'll still stay together, just without compassion, since im not entitled to it, you know. im not entitled to their compassion - but they arent entitled to stay in relationship with me. helps me to communicate these things, to be sure we're all on the same page.
and then there are feelings. i really like to keep feelings separate from rights and choices. cuz feelings are different, there are no obligations, no expectations, and no right or wrong really. theres just honesty and dishonesty, and interest and lack of interest. and either option is ok imho.
once we straightened out our rights and choices - we usually can get along more or less peacefully, without major conflicts. the relationship might be superficial, but not uncomfortable. then, if we want to, we can start talking of feelings. of what things feel like, to me and to them. what it feels like, to me, when someone enters my room without knocking. what it feels like to them, and what it feels like to me, compare our notes, try to see each others perspectives. cuz, i mean, its interesting, its how we get closer to each other, how we bond, by sharing what things feel like to us. clearly they had a different life, unlike mine was, so its understandable that they have no idea what things feel like to me. if they are curious about it, and i feel like sharing - we can talk about it. they can ask questions. i can ask questions.
i like to describe a feeling and throw in a few non-abuse examples, situations that might feel similarly to how i feel. idk, when someone enters my room without knocking - it feels like an earthquake, instant panic and total helplessness. or it feels like a police patdown, getting robbed of privacy. or it feels like a street shooting, acute danger, i gotta duck and run. or whatever it feels like to you, idk. i mean, the emotions im experiencing - the person im talking to has experienced something similar, or can imagine experiencing it, we all have the same emotions across the board, just for different reasons. my reasons to feel fear are different from their reasons to feel fear, but we both know what fear feels like. i find that people understand me better when we talk like this, tap into something we have in common, see if they ever felt the way im feeling, what the situation was like, etc.
i also find it very important/helpful to keep clear boundaries, specifically on feelings. i.e. make it clear which feelings are mine and which are theirs, and that its ok to feel differently at the same time or about the same thing, and that each of us has to own and manage our own feelings. for example, if im crying because im sad - they dont have to cry with me and be sad too. its not insensitive or anything, its perfectly normal. they might be angry instead, say, at my abuser. or they might be frustrated cuz they dont know how to help me. or they might be bored cuz ive been crying for the past two weeks and they just wanna watch some netflix. i mean, all of these are normal responses. its ok to feel whatever we feel, and be open and honest about it. a lot of people arent comfortable with that, but, i mean, trauma causes such an emotional wreck that we simply cant afford to make-pretend what we imagine would be an appropriate response. its best to just be honest. it helps tremendously if im clear about it with people, that i dont expect them to react to me a certain way, and that i dont expect them to manage my emotions for me either, that me crying doesnt mean i need a darn thing from them. you know? its normal to cry, sometimes. they can go play video games for a while, till i calm down. helps me to be clear on this, so that the person knows where they are standing, what i expect/need from them.
im having a somewhat similar issue in another domain, cuz i recently lost my hearing, and a lot of people are completely lost on how to interact with a deaf person. not that i require omg tiptoeing around me, not at all, its the opposite, they keep imagining that they need to bend over backwards for me 24/7, but arent sure how to do it practically. to me its bizarre, the questions they ask, the confusions they have, idk where this panic they are having is coming from. but it is panic indeed, they are panicking, afraid to screw up i guess. helps me to be super clear about my needs/expectations/limits/etc, spell out things that i feel should be obvious, i could never imagine anyone would be confused on something - but they are, i need to spell it out for them. idk, that im able to read and write, even though im no longer able to hear. to me its obvious - but to other people it apparently isnt. so i voice all these things. idk, does feel somewhat similar to communicating about ptsd and such, things i need and things i dont need.
for you