• Hey :) Just a reminder that Fort community is not equipped to discuss current ongoing abuse. If you're currently involved in an abusive relationship - please log out, contact hotlines and/or alternative sites (the Help tab on top of any page lists a few of each), and feel free to come back to Fort once you're safe and stable. Be safe.

Don't know if this counts as abuse

U

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#41
I suppose. Truth is, I've always been aware of how off I am. I don't think I have ever, ever been able to gauge myself. Even the whole "inner voice" thing -- well, to be honest, I don't have a good opinion of it. I'm not good at emotional boundaries either.

I guess that makes sense. In terms of details, I don't remember much. The first one I mostly remember a lot of emotions and such -- but I did trust my mom; I do remember a feeling of trust. But I also remember a sick sort of feeling. It's sort of like the emotions dominate it and the rest are blanks. Which just makes things even more frustrating. The second one -- well, I asked for help and I got it. It's the whole putting-it-in-for-me thing where I have...doubts. (And even the second memory's really, really fuzzy again. I don't even remember if the putting-it-in-for-me thing was the case)

True that regarding the medical procedures. I mean, does anyone really enjoy medical procedures? Honestly. As for the question you raised -- I'd probably just give them a book on the subject, maybe. Probably.
 

Jane

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#42
Probably gonna be a bit rambling. Sorry 'bout that :)

Have some memories that I can't sort out...depending on how I look at them can see them as ok or completely not. In my case think it comes down to their ambiguity...lack of contextual completeness.

One memory that stands out is of me (as a small child) lying on the verandah (outside the toilet door) and my mother giving me an enema...remember crying and not coping with what was going on. Certainly have no recall of the reason. Just remember the feeling of someone doing something :omg awful to me. Gut tells me it was probably not motivated by any suspect motives on my mother's part...'nother part of me feels completely traumatise by this memory. Agree with Manya that trauma can be triggered by non-abisive stuff...seems down to how you experience it. In this case this incident, shocked and affronted me...was perceived as a hurtful assault of my body even though it probably wasn't.
 
U

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#43
No, you're not rambling. Not at all. Don't worry. And yeah, that's true. Trauma can definitely result even when not intended. Sorry you had to go through that, by the way.

In terms of both experiences...well, I didn't feel like I'd been assaulted, exactly. Not that I can recall. I can recall afterwards that I didn't feel like I had been assaulted. It's mostly just a bit of a memory I have, of course. I might get more.
 
U

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#44
I got more pieces back. Mostly relating to my surroundings and everything; I haven't gotten back the specifics of what went on which is probably good. My mind's giving me more opportunities to cope, I guess. More time to cope. I guess I just feel really foolish for not realizing it wasn't normal sooner, especially since...I was at least a young adult. I should have known better. I guess I didn't have the resources I do now, but I still feel really foolish.
 
U

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#45
Got another piece. I think it was mostly a matter of emotional content this time around -- basically, I was worrying about a friend of mine somehow thinking I was weird because of this (the friend of mine didn't live in the beachhouse we were at, for the record), and I think this was one of many reasons I was worried about being sexually abused. What others would think. I think it definitely lends more credence to my theory. I guess if it was sexual abuse...what would it fall under? Rape? Object insertion? I admit that I am very scared. It's not the whole picture, granted, but nevertheless, I am scared. And it doesn't help that my brain is nagging me to remember more of this. I just don't know how there can be more especially when my brain doesn't tell me.

And my first time around is kind of blanked out, actually. I don't really remember it. That I guess is more understandable since I was 11-13 at the time, I believe. But as a later teenager...well, is it possible to block out a memory at that age? Maybe I shouldn't be surprised considering after I recovered my first memory it was like my brain lost its other memories (though I have been getting them back), but still...
 

Manya

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#46
:dk i really think its better to talk of these things with a trained professional. online support groups are helpful, but they cant be the sole source of input, especially for things like that, when youre trying to fish for "repressed memories" and define your childhood experience. i think its a big decision to make, with life-long consequences, both for you and for those around you too, and so i personally wouldnt rely on random things i hear online, i would talk to someone trained.

i have a friend whose parents used corporal punishment on him. he doesnt view it as abusive, but he was (and still is) embarrassed to mention it, cuz of social stigma, and he doesnt do it to his own kids, cuz he believes its always possible to negotiate conflicts, no need to resort to physical force. he believes his parents coulda done the same, but they didnt, and he doesnt feel they were abusive, and doesnt view himself as a victim of child abuse. even though he naturally wasnt too happy about getting beat up on regular basis as a child. he views it as their cultural norm, which he doesnt follow, now that hes an adult and had exposure to other cultures and parenting methods.

what matters for me personally the most is - whats going on with me in the here and now. if i have problems that i want resolved, i work on them, in therapy. sometimes that involves thinking back on where they started, and sometimes they trace all the way back to childhood. and sometimes they dont. i dont see the need to re-evaluate my childhood unless it comes up in relation to some current problem im working on... :dk
 
U

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#47
Thanks. I've yet to actually find a good time to see a new therapist, but I'll definitely do that. I was thinking of seeing someone specializing in possible sexual abuse by mothers because it is my best bet. I suppose I am recording, in the meantime, what I'm remembering.
 

Jane

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#48
Thanks. I've yet to actually find a good time to see a new therapist, but I'll definitely do that. I was thinking of seeing someone specializing in possible sexual abuse by mothers because it is my best bet. I suppose I am recording, in the meantime, what I'm remembering.
Up to you...but just thinking have you considered registering as a member? Find it helps me being able to share with others who 'get it'. Does not replace the work I am doing on my own healing...but sure helps me feel less alone. If it sounds like your sort of thing here is a link to our guidelines http://www.fortrefuge.com/rules.html which have a link to the registration screen at the bottom of the page. :rs:rs
 
U

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#49
I need to know if this falls into the category of sexual abuse

I was sexually assaulted on the first of January 2016 or at least I am trying to find out if I was. Let me explain : that night I was on antibiotics to treat a seasonal flue and I drank 4 glasses of champagne and 1 drink of Vodka. Then everything is black. I remember almost nothing from that night until I re-emerged into clear conscience and was alert at about 4 a.m. I have flashes of being kissed by someone and feeling an *invasive* intimate contact and feeling like I was unable to move or speak, it's like my brain was giving commands but my body wouldn't respond and instead I would be paralyzed and just watching the scene as an outsider. I didn't know who my assaulter was but my friends who were at that party saw him leading me in a room and were able to identify him and the next day my friends showed me a picture of him : when I saw the picture I felt a shiver of fright down my spine, he is very creepy looking but my brain does not recall his face. It's like I have never met him before, I know if I had bumped in him in the street before they showed me that picture, I never would identify him as someone I know, his face was completely foreign to my knowledge. I know that sober, I never would have gone near him in a romantic intent. The thing is : how can I prove that I was not consenting if I can remember hardly anything? Does my drunkness make it consentual? I later found out that my best friend dragged me out of the bedroom where he was lying on top of me and a friend of his pushed her for having stopped him. She told me that my eyes looked like I was in another world, I looked completely detached and lost. I was not rational. Another friend -who wasn't at this party at the moment of the event- happens to know my assaulter told me that he had told him that his intention was to have intercourse with me that night which leads me to believe that if he talks about it in such a detached manner that this guy thinks he didn't do anything wrong and is rather proud of what he tried to do. So, was I sexually assaulted? Does my experience fall into that category? even though I can hardly remember anything? I need to know for my own sanity, it depresses me more and more everyday. Can someone please help me see more clearly in this horrible situation? Thanks for your time reading my testimony. I really need someone to help me find answers, I'm desperate
 

Manya

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#50
hear what youre saying, and im sorry this happened to you :rs

imho there are two sides to unwanted sexual contact. one side is my subjective experience, whether i wanted it, whether i was traumatized by it, etc. sounds like you arent happy it happened and it bothered you enough to google an abuse site, so you totally deserve sympathy/support/help/etc, regardless of anything else. the other side is what the person did objectively, if their actions constitute a felony. and thats not our or your call to make, thats up to law enforcement to decide. i personally would just go talk to the police, they'll ask you (and your friends) a bunch of questions to determine if they can prove beyond reasonable doubt that the guy knew you're not consenting and violated you anyway. however, what happens to the guy only matters to the guy, and to your ability to publicly accuse him of rape (cuz calling someone a rapist while they werent proven guilty by law - is slander/libel/defamation of character, can get you in trouble). other than that, whether hes a violent felon or it was an unfortunate miscommunication, if you were traumatized by the encounter you have every right to feel whatever you feel, and to get support and help and sympathy. unwanted sex is traumatic, however his actions might be classified legally...
 

Jane

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#51
Hi I am sorry that this recent event happened to you...hear how distressing it is for you to make sense of it.

I agree with Manya that the only people who have the expertise and authority to fully and objectively investigate this incident are the police. Get that it is not always easy to report alleged sexually related stuff...can be embarrassing and hard to find the words. Up to you if you decide to do this - If you ask I am fairly certain they will agree to you taking a support person with you.
 
U

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#52
Am I in an abusive situation?

My mom was married to my physically and verbally abusive dad for 17 years. She now recognizes that how he treated her, my 3 siblings, and me was abusive. But she didn't try to end the abuse until he left her 6 years ago for another woman. She has been dating another man for close to 5 years now, and he is a nice and loves her. But what she calls him having an attitude, his loud mouth, or not watching his tongue seems to me like verbal abuse. I know the difference between when he's being annoying or a jerk but there are several times were he goes overboard and I see him being verbally abusive like my father. My older siblings and I have tried to tell her this but she tells us that it is not verbal abuse because he is often nice and kind to her, but isn't part of abuse the manipulation that the abuser has? They have broken up several times over his "loud mouth" and the way he has treated us kids. I will says that there are plenty of times where he is nice to us and helps us with things but he has been in my sisters face (who is now over 18 but was not in some instances) and said horrible things to her. He has put his hands on my brother or around his neck (who is now over 18 but was not in some instances) and said horrible things to him too. At 15 there have been several times where he has gotten in my face yelled and said horrible things to me and broken things or hit walls. My little brother (who is only 9) adores him but he also realizes when my moms boyfriend is "acting like dad" who we have very little interaction with. Most recently, (when I was still 14) my moms boyfriend, me, and my grandmother were home alone when my grandmother went to the store, leaving us alone. My older brother had sent my moms boyfriend and simple text, not treating or rude, saying that he did not like how my moms boyfriend was talking to me earlier and he would appreciate it if he wouldn't do that, knowing that I am very sensitive and to not take yelling or abuse well. My moms boyfriend saw this, slammed open my shut door started yelling at me asking if I said some sh** to my brother saying horrible things to me like I was a p*ssy, and dumb b*tch and a c*nt (I am a quiet, smaller girl who was only 14 at the time) and I did not take it well. I was in between yelling back at him, being afraid he would start hitting me, and crying he ended up smashing one of my mirrors saying he paid for the dresser it was his property, and saying he was done with my mother and her kids (while once again saying horrible things about my older siblings). At this point I was begging him not to break up with her because I believed it was my fault. My mom later told me that she would never be hating back together with him, and they were dating again less than 2 weeks later. I try not to be disrespectful because that will get me yelled at by my mother but she can tell that I don't not like how he treats us. Is he verbally abusive? Or am I over exaggerating and he is nothing just a jerk with an attitude?
 

Manya

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#53
:rs i hear what youre saying. got some random thoughts:

first, verbal/emotional abuse isnt a crime, so theres no legal definition of what exactly verbal abuse is. everyone defines it how they like. i personally call it abuse when its not consensual (i.e. you cant just walk out of it, its not up to you), involves imbalance of power (i.e. youre hurt by someone who is stronger than you physically, financially, legally, or in any other way, as opposed to your peer whom you can tell to get lost), and causes serious enough trauma to need help to recover from it (i.e. more than just venting on facebook about what a jerk someone is).

your moms relationship is her deal, if she feels abused she can totally seek help for it herself, we cant really talk of how to convince her to dump her bf just cuz we can only speculate on why shes staying with him in the first place, and our speculations are of no use. we dont know if she wants anything changed at all, you know, her life, her business.

however, if youre under 18, youre entitled to a safe and sane environment, free of yelling, name-calling, breaking things, etc. doesnt matter if your moms bf is an abuser or just an average jerk. your mom can do what she wants with her life, but her relationship choices shouldnt negatively affect your quality of life. its not ok, and if you talk to someone in 3d (like a school counselor or a family doctor or a friends parent or someone at a hotline) - they'll brainstorm some solutions to this situation, so that your moms boyfriend wouldnt bother you. they can talk to your mom about it, or help you figure out how you can talk to her, or facilitate a meeting with all of you at once, or come up with some other options. like putting a lock on your door and making sure your moms boyfriend knows hes not allowed to come to your room, so that you have a place in the house where you can be free from his issues.

we got this page for teens, talking of your basic rights at home, and listing a bunch of helpful resources - http://www.fortrefuge.com/teens.php

and we also got all sorts of hotlines under "help" tab on top of any page, heres direct link - http://www.fortrefuge.com/hotlines.html

hope some of this helps, and your mom and her boyfriend figure out a way to make sure their issues arent affecting you. cuz they have nothing to do with you, you shouldnt be involved in their stuff. you didnt pick this guy to date, theres no reason for you to have to deal with his anger issues. :rs for you
 

Jane

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#54
Hi...so sorry that you are not comfortable in your present situation...hard to be a minor and to have to witness upsetting adult behaviour. Can not tell you if your mother's partners behaviour is out of control or he is just hot headed. Certainly don't agree that it is right for anyone to call other's nasty names or break stuff...intimidate and scare them. idk would it help to talk about your concerns to say your school nurse/counselor or a trusted older family friend or relative.

Another option is to join an on-line forum set up specifically for teens...may help you to be able to discuss your concerns with your peers - help you to feel less alone. If you are interested we have some links under the help tab in our page header.

For you :rs:rs
 
U

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#56
Need to talk to someone

Hi, my boyfriend has been quite nasty with me recently but the other day he raped me. He denies it he just says he was taking control and he gets angry when I say anything now he's acting like nothing's happened I'm scared of him now he's done this to me. I can't tell anyone because I'm worried they won't believe me because he says it's a lie and laughs at me. He won't let me have any money to go out or anything so I can't even go see my mum I'm so fed up I feel stuck
 

Manya

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#57
i hear you. thing is though - you dont have to stay with him if you dont want to, no explanation necessary really. even if he's the sweetest guy in the world, you have the right to leave just because. if you call 911 and say that youre stuck with a bf you dont wanna be with but dont know where to go or what to do - they'll just come pick you up, take you to a shelter (if you got no other place to stay), put you on welfare, employment programs, housing waiting list, etc. eventually you'll get back on your feet. shelters arent fun, but, i mean, better than living with someone who abuses you.

and with the rape - it doesnt matter what the police believe or dont believe personally, what matters is if they see enough evidence to try to convict the guy or not. and finding this evidence is a professional skill, they are trained to do it, and we/you arent, we/you cant tell if theres enough evidence or not, so it makes sense to talk to them and see what they say. majority of rapes are done by someone the victim knows, arent violent, dont leave any bruising or such - but they convict them somehow. even if they dont see enough evidence to charge the guy, it doesnt mean they dont believe you, just means they dont have enough to work with. and, either way, rape or no rape, you have every right to leave the guy if you wanna...
 

Jane

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#58
:dk If my partner raped me would be a deal breaker for me...an absolute one if they made light of it. However realise we are all different...have a friend who lives with a guy who is as nasty as to her. Lotsa people would run, however she has decided to stay and tolerate it. Her decision. :bf
 
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