• Hey :) Just a reminder that Fort community is not equipped to discuss current ongoing abuse. If you're currently involved in an abusive relationship - please log out, contact hotlines and/or alternative sites (the Help tab on top of any page lists a few of each), and feel free to come back to Fort once you're safe and stable. Be safe.

Don't know if this counts as abuse

U

Unregistered

Guest
#1
Was this coersive or consentual?

My ex boyfriend - we've been broken up for nearly 2 years, we're still friends but have sex on a number of occasions over the past year.
I have a new boyfriend now and told my ex boyfriend that under no circumstances was I ever going to cheat on him but we could still be friends as we were always pretty close before we got together and kept that friendship afterwards as well.
So my ex came over to see me, the plan was just to drink tea, chat and generally hang out.
That was fine to start with, my little girl was still awake and everything was fine. Then once I put her to bed he decided to sit next to me on the sofa. He started casually coming on to me, I told him to behave and to stop it and that it wasn't going to happen... but he couldn't seem to take no for an answer. He kept doing it despite me saying for him to stop, eventually he picked me up and took me to my bedroom.
I told him to put me down and that I wasn't going to have sex with him and to stop. But he still wouldn't stop, he kept kissing me and putting his hands down my top, etc. He was laying on top of me and he was a lot stronger than me, I kept saying no, kept saying for him to stop it and he just replied "I can't stop" I pushed him away but he moved my hands and carried on, I kept pushing him away saying no stop but he kept going, he managed to undo my trousers and kept trying to pull them down and I kept pulling them back up.
Eventually he managed to get them off an had undone his trousers, I didn't know what to do, I knew what he was going to do and I couldn't stop him. Eventually I stopped pushing him away as it was doing no good, he was much stronger than me, I just laid there telling him to stop but he kept going telling me how he wanted to make love to me one last time, that nobody would ever find out.
Then I stopped fighting, I don't know why, I didn't want what was happening and I kept thinking about my boyfriend and how much it would hurt him if he ever found out, but I let it happen anyway. He didn't hurt me, he didn't threaten to hurt me, I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but I also knew that I couldn't stop him (if that even makes any sense!?)
Afterwards what happened hadn't really registered.... was it rape? I don't know, because I stopped fighting does that mean I gave him consent? Because he didn't hurt me does that mean I basically just had normal sex with him or what? I'm really confused.
 

theredmarker

Resident Otaku
Joined
Mar 13, 2011
Messages
5,963
#2
Yes, what did happen to you was rape. I'm very sorry this happened to you. :bf I can only imagine how confused and embarrassed and hurt you must feel right now. :(

You told him no. That should have been enough to get him to stop. But he didn't, so it was rape. Anything other than, "Yes, I would like have sex with you," means NO. And it just angers me so much that some people think otherwise, think it's okay to keep doing stuff even though the other person clearly doesn't want it.

Also, WTF, "I can't stop"??? Was he possessed by an incubus?? :censor Holy crap. Just...ugh. I have some choice words I can't utter right now. People always have control over their actions (with the exceptions of muscle spasms or, like...tics caused by Tourette's or something), especially an action as complex as having sex. That's hardly a muscle spasm!

GAH! :fr

I am angry for you. If your boyfriend feels hurt by this or gets angry at you or has any reaction other than "Holy crap, you were raped, I'm so sorry, tell me how I can help," he is a crap. This was not your fault. You fought, you said no, you did not give consent.

Safe hugs if you want one... :hug
 

weepingwillow

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#4
Also, WTF, "I can't stop"??? Was he possessed by an incubus?? :censor Holy crap. Just...ugh. I have some choice words I can't utter right now. People always have control over their actions (with the exceptions of muscle spasms or, like...tics caused by Tourette's or something), especially an action as complex as having sex. That's hardly a muscle spasm!
This is pretty much what I was thinking as well when I read this. "I can't stop" is just ridiculous. There is no way this is at all an acceptable response to "no". This wasn't making love, this was rape.

I had something very similar happen to me, but I don't think I fought as much as you did. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I hadn't consented, I had stopped fighting to protect myself. I was also in a situation where I could've kept fighting, but it was going to happen anyway. That's not consent, that's resignation and survival.

If you're 16 or over, you're welcome to register. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but glad you've found Fort.
 
Joined
May 28, 2013
Messages
5
#5
This was my post before I registered. I didn't want to register until someone confirmed it was rape... I didn't want to be wasting anyone's time.
Thank you for the kind words
It only happened a couple of days a go and I'm still trying to get my head around it.
I feel like it was my fault somehow that I could have done something else to stop it.
I don't know whether to tell my boyfriend, I feel really ashamed and like I cheated on him even though I didn't want to and I'm scared that he'll think it was me cheating too. If he doesn't think that then I'm afraid that he'll want to know who it was and I'm not ready to bring it all out into the open, I don't want anyone confronting my ex about it.... I just want to forget it ever happened.... my ex is engaged to be married, has a lovely little boy and a soon to be step son. I don't want anyone else hurt by this....
 
Joined
Apr 1, 2013
Messages
2,741
#6
Welcome to Fort! I hope to see you around the forums or chat.

I'm sorry you are still dealing with having this happen to you so recently.

I can really relate to who I want to disclose personal traumatic experiences to. Sometimes people I've told traumatic experiences to have been supportive and other times they haven't.

I'm not sure what would feel helpful to you, but I can share what I found helpful when I was dealing with traumatic experiences. When I've called helplines, I've had very good experiences and felt very supported and validated. I was able to discuss my concerns and hear information that was helpful to me during those times.

The Fort library has an article I like called "Rape & Sexual Assault Support Links" here: http://www.fortrefuge.com/rape.html

The article has a list of phone lines and online places that some survivors of sexual assault might find useful while they are deciding what options feel right for them. That article also has a couple of links that some survivors might find helpful with information about some options after finding out they have recently been raped.
 

weepingwillow

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#7
I can relate to feeling like you've cheated even though you had no choice in the matter. It's always up to you who you tell things to, and I can understand not wanting to hurt other people. Something came to mind though while I was reading this, if he's engaged, but he's willing to do this to you, then he's obviously not worried about hurting other people. He wasn't worried about hurting you, his fiancee or your current BF.

Not wasting anyone's time here, welcome to Fort! :hi
 
Joined
May 28, 2013
Messages
5
#8
He's never been overly concerned about anyone feelings besides his own to be honest.
I on the other hand can't stomach the thought of hurting people.

I tried confronting him about it today, to start with he was very apologetic, then he started trying to justify his actions. He told me "you didn't fight the whole way through though" then when he realised why I was confronting him he got his back up saying I had better not be accusing him of rape, etc... so I didn't. I completely bottled it and started blaming myself again... why didn't I fight the whole way through, why wasn't I more forceful, why did I let him come round in the first place, if I really didn't want it I would have kicked, bite, punched and screamed, etc, etc...... I feel like a bit of an impostor here to be honest....

Thank you for the welcomes though, it's very much appreciated
 
G

GUEST123

Guest
#9
Used to be sure, now I'm not. When you look at symptoms of adult survivors of child abuse, in particular sexual abuse, the symptoms seem to apply to many things, not just that one type of abuse. So how do you know for sure? I have some memories, just bits and pieces, but I do know they weren't "suggested" by others because they sort of came to me when I was alone and something triggered like a "flashback". A movie memory in my mind of an event. Can't recall if the memory was due to a movie or a song or who knows.
But so I do have problems with what I call over-reactions-my rage can be way over for the situation, and I heard that is a sign of abuse. I also have a very long history of drug abuse, I have panic attacks, have had nightmares (violent ones) ever since I was a pre-teen, self-harming behavior, reckless behavior, but also a strong aversion to being touched or any intimate behavior. Often I find it disgusting or repulsive. It makes me react in a very angry manner and a hurtful manner to the person who is trying to be romantic or loving to me.
So I'm not sure, but as of late, as I have come to a place in my life where I know I need to resolve this constant turmoil and other issues and I in many ways feel ready now to leave my past behind and get on with my life, I feel that I have to know. Was I sexually abused, or are those few things I remember just an overactive imagination? I just feel that it is important for me to know so that I can move on with life.
I can't afford a therapist, and to be honest whose to say they would know any better than I would? I welcome any advice or sharing or any help I can get in getting clarity on this. Thank you.
 

theunwanted

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Jun 3, 2013
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#10
Not sure where you are from Guest123 but there may be alternatives in your area for lo-cost or no cost therapy if you have no insurance or your insurance does not cover it. Without commenting too specifically on what you posted ( We are survivors giving peer support, I think its awesome, it is NOT therapy from a licensed pro though), You surly are troubled by something. So peer support sites are a good tool for you to have but it is a real good idea to get an opinion from a pro too. As to your memory question I can relate my own experience to you. I am also unsure if some of the tings I "remember" were 100% real. A combination of therapy and medical care provided the incontrovertible evidence that there had been SA in our past. Still, memory is chaotic and fragmented. It may be some time before it gets sorted out but, to do that you have start somewhere.Hope that helps and you find your answers.
 

Manya

here an there
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Messages
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#11
hey guest123 :)

many interesting questions, im gonna ramble for a while :D

being an abuse survivor is not a psych condition, it doesnt have symptoms. some survivors do have various psych issues, others dont. can google symptoms of stuff like PTSD, common survivors issue. just saying that each condition got a different checklist really, theres no generalized symptoms for abuse survivors. there are warning signs of children who are currently being abused - those dont prove that the child is being abused, just red flags to look into. like anger outbursts - can be caused by hundreds of different reasons, including but not limited to ongoing abuse.

memory doesnt know the difference between reality and fiction, thats why imagery is so helpful. flashes of memories could be memories of actual events, of dreams you have had, of movies youve watched, of just plain thoughts you have had. also, children often identify with a character of a story - so, for example, i have very vivid memories of flying to norway holding on to a neck of a giant goose. was a fairy tale grandma read to me when i was a kid, i was listening to it and my brain was imagining what it must be like, so i remember those imageries. obviously i never flew with geese, physically impossible - but i remember it vividly: the cold wind, the warm neck of the goose, the feel of its feathers on my hands. im not saying memories mean nothing, and not dismissing your experience - im just saying they could come from variety of sources, and actual abuse is just one such source.

my personal approach is - abuse doesnt happen in a vacuum. its impossible that one would have a fairly healthy childhood, where theres trust, boundaries, kindness, where the child loves her parents and feels that the parents love her back, where occasional grudges are of course present but overall the family life was ok - and yet there was also sexual abuse. just doesnt happen this way. because in a more or less healthy family a child cannot be intimidated into taking abuse and suffering in silence. in order to sexually abuse a child, there needs to be an established and enforced overall atmosphere of fear, shame, and secrecy.

when i started recovery - i wasnt sure if what i experienced qualifies as abuse. however, i knew very well that i didnt love my parents and my parents didnt love me. i was terrified of them, deeply ashamed of my existence, and wasnt able to talk of anything at all because my childhood felt like a huge secret i cannot possibly break or else the world will fall apart. i knew things were not ok at home - it was not happy or healthy, and it was way beyond grudges that all kids have about their parents, such as being made to eat your veggies, being grounded for breaking curfew, or the like. my confusion was not whether my childhood was ok or not - it was whether my childhood legally counts as abuse, a crime, or not.

therapy helps if you have a specific problem in the here and now that you want help with resolving. for example, anger management. therapist cannot tell you if you were abused or not - they werent there, cant tell you what happened. besides, its a subjective matter - only you would know if you felt violated or not.
 
G

Guest123

Guest
#12
You've Given Me Food For Thought

Your responses have given me a lot to think about. I guess I have/had convinced myself that my problems stem from my belief that there was that type of abuse, and if I could disprove it, then the problems would go away. But you are right, the childhood was far from perfect and I can collaborate some other things if not that one thing. So maybe I need to quit concentrating on what did/didn't happen and more on what to do about it. As for therapy by professionals, I have been looking around into lower cost options.
 

Jane

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Jun 19, 2013
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26,093
#13
Hi :hi

Get what you are saying...even with irrefutable evidence of my abuse...scars and medical records...I still have periods where I find it hard to believe that it happened. Feel I am dreaming it up...guilty that I am blaming the blameless. My T tells me this is not at all uncommon. Suppose it is something to do with finding it hard to accepting the cruel truth and all that this means.

For you. :rs:rs
 

Manya

here an there
Admin
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Messages
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#14
i'll ramble some more then :)

i believe that problems come from somewhere. if i wasnt sexually abused - doesnt mean the problems dont exist, just means they are coming from somewhere else. figuring out where problem comes from can sometimes help with a solution to it. heres a random example:

lets take anger management, for arguments sake. yelling obscenities and kicking walls each time youre mad - causes problems. inability to keep a job, relationships falling apart, neighbors leaving dead rats by your door, etc. obvious solution is to quit yelling and kicking when youre angry, to speak calmly and politely and maintain a relaxed posture. not a rocket science really, anybody coulda guessed it. however, people with anger management problem are unable to do it, for one reason or another. so thats where therapy comes in handy. cuz you sit down and figure out whats blocking you from doing what you know you gotta do, where did this start, what specifically is glitching. and so thats where digging up childhood history makes a difference. cuz reasons for this could be different, and most probably they stem from childhood, abuse or not.

cuz maybe you learned as a newborn that nobody cares unless you yell on top of your lungs. in this case you're yelling now cuz you feel thats the only way to get your needs met, so talking calmly feels counterproductive cuz you just know nobody gonna listen. solution would be to give it a shot and see what happens. whether youd get better results by yelling or by talking calmly.

or maybe parents didnt stop you from throwing tantrums in supermarkets - so you never learned that you're actually in control of how you express your emotions, feeling angry doesnt mean you gotta yell, you have a choice, to yell or not. so solution to this would be just practicing and experimenting, seeing if being mad always makes you yell or only sometimes, if you can postpone yelling by ten seconds or not, if you can control the volume or not, etc. just exploring the options/possibilities, discovering your power at managing emotions.

or maybe parents allowed you to cuss them out and throw things at them when they grounded you for breaking your curfew at 15 - so you never learned that its actually not ok to do that, feel entitled to yell when youre feeling angry, and having to supress your natural urges and talk calmly even when youre mad feels unfair. so here solution would be both - speculating on what would be fair to everyone involved, and evaluating the costs of your uncensored self-expression, such as failed relationships.

or, in the case of abuse - maybe you've just been violated left and right, screwed over and over, year after year, and could never say anything back - so you got all this anger pent up inside you, from all these years, youre like a waterbomb ready to explode from the slightest touch, so when someone looks at you the wrong way - you explode. so in this case solution would be to work through all that old anger: unload on your therapist, write a letter to mom to tell her just how much you hate her guts (dont have to send it), rant about your childhood to your friends, publish a book of memoirs, etc. let the balloon deflate, you know.

im just saying - solutions to the same problem can vary depending on where it comes from, so thats why people go into therapy and talk there of their childhood - to figure out where did it start glitching and how to fix it...

:rs for you, sorry for the lecture :)
 
G

Guest123

Guest
#15
Very Good Insight

What you ramble makes sense. So much so that I decided to register and hang out a bit and try and get a better grasp of things. So I did join up though funny how I find it easier though to respond to this anon. as guest, but your words bring a lot of things to my mind and possibly some that can lead to answers. So forgive me for still being shy I guess and feeling safer to just respond as a guest, though I just signed up. For the record, my parents were not even close to permissive lol just the opposite; I was pretty much punished for everything from bringing home anything less than an A in school to making too much noise if I was excited about something (I believe their words were I was "acting stupid") and well a lot of other things in between. So guess I will explore those root causes, under my new sign in. When I'm ready. Thank you again for your incredible insightful words.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
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Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#16
Hi good you have decided to join us...hope like it has become for me the Fort becomes your safe place a place where you feel able to discuss your issues and feel supported as you decide on your best way forward. :hug:rs
 

Iris

Fort Resident
Joined
Oct 13, 2010
Messages
7,470
#18
PSA On Domestic Violence

Hi i wanted to post this cool PSA I found on you tube. Its done by a deaf actress Deanna Bray who acted on the show Heroes and also in one of our favorite cheesy Canadian shows called Sue Thomas FB EYE.

I hope its ok to post in the guest room where visitors can see things. I found her definition very helpful and concise.
Idk just wanted to share it and hope it helps someone.
[YOUTUBE]2_UclJCbDa0[/YOUTUBE]

If this is not the right place for this feel free to move it where it belongs mods/admins.

Kate
 

Jane

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#19
Thanks for sharing this informative recording about male to female DV. Imho it is important to also acknowledge that DV perpetrators are not always male - their targets not always female.

The ABA Commission on Domestic and Sexual Violence has compiled research based statistics that clearly demonstrate this truth...here are some excepts from this resource. It is a bit wordy but interesting nevertheless.

•In a 1995-1996 study conducted in the 50 States and the District of Columbia, nearly 25% of women and 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance at some time in their lifetime (based on survey of 16,000 participants, equally male and female).

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence, at iii (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

•Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 183781, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm

•Intimate partner violence made up 20% of all nonfatal violent crime experienced by women in 2001.

Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf

•Intimate partners committed 3% of the nonfatal violence against men.

Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf

•In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. In recent years, an intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims.

Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf

•Access to firearms yields a more than five-fold increase in risk of intimate partner homicide when considering other factors of abuse, according to a recent study, suggesting that abusers who possess guns tend to inflict the most severe abuse on their partners.

Jacquelyn C. Campbell et al., Risk Factors For Femicide in Abusive Relationships: Results From A Multi-Site Case Control Study, 93 Am. J. of Public Health 1089, 1092 (2003), abstract available at http://www.ajph.org/cgi/content/abstract/93/7/1089

•Of females killed with a firearm, almost two-thirds were killed by their intimate partners. The number of females shot and killed by their husband or intimate partner was more than three times higher than the total number murdered by male strangers using all weapons combined in single victim/single offender incidents in 2002.

The Violence Pol'y Ctr., When Men Murder Women: An Analysis of 2002 Homicide Data: Females Murdered by Males in Single Victim/Single Offender Incidents, at 7 (2004), available at http://www.vpc.org/studies/wmmw2004.pdf

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, between 1998 and 2002:

•Of the almost 3.5 million violent crimes committed against family members, 49% of these were crimes against spouses.
•84% of spouse abuse victims were females, and 86% of victims of dating partner abuse at were female.
•Males were 83% of spouse murderers and 75% of dating partner murderers
•50% of offenders in state prison for spousal abuse had killed their victims. Wives were more likely than husbands to be killed by their spouses: wives were about half of all spouses in the population in 2002, but 81% of all persons killed by their spouse.

Matthew R. Durose et al., U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 207846, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Family Violence Statistics: Including Statistics on Strangers and Acquaintances, at 31-32 (2005), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/fvs.pdf

Stalking according to the Stalking Resource Center:

•1,006,970 women and 370,990 men are stalked annually in the United States.
•1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetime.
•77% of female and 64% of male victims know their stalker.
•87% of stalkers are men.
•59% of female victims and 30% of male victims are stalked by an intimate partner.
•81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner.
•31% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also sexually assaulted by that partner.
•The average duration of stalking is 1.8 years.
•If stalking involves intimate partners, the average duration of stalking increases to 2.2 years.
•61% of stalkers made unwanted phone calls; 33% sent or left unwanted letters or items; 29% vandalized property; and 9% killed or threatened to kill a family pet.
•28% of female victims and 10% of male victims obtained a protective order. 69% of female victims and 81% of male victims had the protection order violated.

Stalking Resource Ctr., The Nat'l Ctr. for Victims of Crime, Stalking Fact Sheet, http://www.ncvc.org/src/Main.aspx (citing Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Justice, NCJ 169592, Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey (1998)​

In a study done between 1994 and 1998 in ten U.S. cities (Baltimore, Houston, Texas, Kansas City (KS), Kansas City (MO), Los Angeles, New York, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington, St. Petersburg/Tampa, and Wichita:

•76% of femicide victims had been stalked by the person who killed them.
•67% had been physically abused by their intimate partner.
•89% of femicide victims who had been physically abused had also been stalked in the 12 months before the murder.
•79% of abused femicide victims reported stalking during the same period that they reported abuse.
•85% of attempted femicide cases involved at least one episode of stalking within 12 months prior to the attempted femicide.
•54% of femicide victims reported stalking to police before they were killed by their stalkers.

Stalking Resource Ctr., The Nat'l Ctr. for Victims of Crime, Stalking Fact Sheet, http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_Intimate_Partner_Femicide122 (citing Judith McFarlane et al., 3 Homicide Studies 300-316 (1999)

Sexual Assault According to the National Violence Against Women Survey:

•Women are more likely to be victims of sexual violence than men: 78% of the victims of rape and sexual assault are women and 22% are men.
•Most perpetrators of sexual violence are men. Among acts of sexual violence committed against women since the age of 18, 100% of rapes, 92% of physical assaults, and 97% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men. Sexual violence against men is also mainly male violence: 70% of rapes, 86% of physical assaults, and 65% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men.
•In 8 out of 10 rape cases, the victim knows the perpetrator. Of people who report sexual violence, 64% of women and 16% of men were raped, physically assaulted, or stalked by an intimate partner. This includes a current or former spouse, cohabitating partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, or date.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 183781, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm
•Another national survey found that 34% of women were victims of sexual coercion by a husband or intimate partner in their lifetime.

Kathleen C. Basile, Prevalence of Wife Rape and Other Intimate Partner Sexual Coercion in a Nationally Representative Sample of Women, 17 Violence and Victims 511 (2002).​

Same-Sex Violence Domestic violence occurs within same-sex relationships as it does in heterosexual relationships. The acronym LGBT is often used and stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender.

•11% of lesbians reported violence by their female partner and 15% of gay men who had lived with a male partner reported being victimized by a male partner.

Patricia Tjaden, Symposium on Integrating Responses to Domestic Violence: Extent and Nature of Intimate Partner Violence as measured by the National Violence Against Women Survey, 47 Loy. L. Rev. 41, 54 (2003).​

•Of the LGBT victims who sought services from the New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project, 36% of clients in 2003 and 38% of clients in 2004 filed police reports regarding intimate partner violence.

Diane Dolan-Soto & Sara Kaplan, New York Lesbian, Gay, Transgender and Bisexual Domestic Violence Report, at 6 (2005), available at http://www.avp.org/storage/documents/Reports/2005_AVP_DV_Report.pdf

•Eighty-eight percent of victims in 2003 and 91 percent of victims in 2004 reported experiencing prior incidents of abuse, with the majority (45 percent and 47 percent, respectively) reporting having experienced more than 10 prior incidents.

Diane Dolan-Soto & Sara Kaplan, New York Lesbian, Gay, Transgender and Bisexual Domestic Violence Report, at 5 (2005), available athttp://www.avp.org/storage/documents/Reports/2005_AVP_DV_Report.pdf​

•One survey found that same-sex cohabitants reported significantly more intimate partner violence than did opposite-sex cohabitants. Among women, 39.2% of the same-sex cohabitants and 21.7 of the opposite- sex cohabitants reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked by a marital/cohabiting partner at some time in their lifetime.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at 30 (2000), available at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

•15.4% of same-sex cohabiting men reported being raped, physically assaulted and/or stalked by a male partner, but 10.8% reported such violence by a female partner.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at 30 (2000), available at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

According to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs:

•6,523 incidence of lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender violence were recorded in eleven distinct cities and regions across the USA and Toronto, Ontario. 44% of the victims were men and 36% were women. This represented a 13% increase over the 5718 cases reported in 2002 by the same agencies and includes six reported deaths in the context of actual or suspected LGBT violence. Arizona reported one death and New York City reported five deaths.
•4,964 or about 79% of the new incidents were reported in Los Angeles. The number of LGBT incidents in other cities and states include Boston (290), New York City (501), San Francisco (388), Colorado (139) , Chicago (65), Columbus, Ohio (46) , Pennsylvania (19) , Burlington, Vermont (21), Tuscon (64).
•5,374 (82%) of the victims of domestic violence reported to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs identified themselves as gay; 575 (9%) were cases in which the victim declined to specify a sexual orientation or it was not recorded; 263 (4%) identified as bisexual; and 44 (0.6 %) were not sure or questioned their sexual orientation.

•In a 1995-1996 study conducted in the 50 States and the District of Columbia, nearly 25% of women and 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance at some time in their lifetime (based on survey of 16,000 participants, equally male and female).

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence, at iii (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

•Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 183781, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm

•Intimate partner violence made up 20% of all nonfatal violent crime experienced by women in 2001.

Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf

•Intimate partners committed 3% of the nonfatal violence against men.

Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf

•In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. In recent years, an intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims.

Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf

Same-Sex Violence Domestic violence occurs within same-sex relationships as it does in heterosexual relationships. The acronym LGBT is often used and stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender.

•11% of lesbians reported violence by their female partner and 15% of gay men who had lived with a male partner reported being victimized by a male partner.

Patricia Tjaden, Symposium on Integrating Responses to Domestic Violence: Extent and Nature of Intimate Partner Violence as measured by the National Violence Against Women Survey, 47 Loy. L. Rev. 41, 54 (2003).

•Of the LGBT victims who sought services from the New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project, 36% of clients in 2003 and 38% of clients in 2004 filed police reports regarding intimate partner violence.

Diane Dolan-Soto & Sara Kaplan, New York Lesbian, Gay, Transgender and Bisexual Domestic Violence Report, at 6 (2005), available at
http://www.avp.org/storage/document...url]www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm


•15.4% of same-sex cohabiting men reported being raped, physically assaulted and/or stalked by a male partner, but 10.8% reported such violence by a female partner.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at 30 (2000), available at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

Physical Injury and Medical Treatment

•The U.S. Department of Justice reported that 37% of all women who sought care in hospital emergency rooms for violence-related injuries were injured by a current or former spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend.

Michael R. Rand, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 156921, Violence-Related Injuries Treated in Hospital Emergency Departments, (1997) available at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/ascii/vrithed.txt

•Women are significantly more likely than men to be injured during an assault: 31.5% of female rape victims, compared with 16.1% of male rape victims, reported being injured during their most recent rape, and 39-42% percent of female physical assault victims, compared with 20-25% of male physical assault victims, reported being injured during their most recent physical assault.

•35.6% of the women injured during their most recent rape and 30.2% of the women injured during their most recent physical assault received medical treatment. Approximately 21.5% of male victims of intimate partner physical assaults that resulted in an injury sought medical treatment.

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 183781, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000) available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm ; Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000), available at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

•4% of men and 5% of women reported receiving serious injuries (knife wounds, internal injuries, broken bones, or loss of consciousness).

Callie Marie Rennison & Sarah Welchans, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 178247, Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence at 6 (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv.pdf
 
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