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Domestic Violence

M

MadisonL

Guest
#81
Grew up with domestic violence, need an understanding outlet

I'm really uncertain if I am in the right place.
I grew up with domestic violence in the 80's, witnessed some horrible things as a small child. I've dealt pretty well with life but I'm currently having therapy and realise I want to share some of my disturbing and traumatic stories with people who can understand, relate, and also understand the things I feel today.
The effects of the violence have waxed and waned- I've done well at burying the memories - and I guess I thought they would just get dimmer and dimmer but they don't and as I confront my parents ageing and the problems in the family I feel terrible guilt, sadness and anger around the situation I was forced into as a small child and the way I have consequentaly struggled as an adult.
Do I just share here? can anyone relate to what I am saying? I woud just love for someone to say, 'I know exactly how you feel' and not 'that must have been really hard for you'. I want to share with people who understand as I never have had that chance before.
Thank you for reading and any for comments.
Well, I know exactly how you feel.

Domestic abuse has been a theme in my life since I can remember. While I myself am not a victim, I’ve had the tragic opportunity to watch very closely as two of my very best friends (my sisters) have entered and committed to abusive relationships. I’ve always been very quiet about it; I think I’m over that. I’m tired of the silence that often surrounds abusive situations and how that facilitates it's longevity.

I’ve always felt conflicted about talking about this. On one hand, it’s not really my business/right to disclose such sensitive information about other people’s personal situations. On the other hand, witnessing this has gravely impacted me and I just feel the need to get this off my chest. It’s a weight of someone else’s bad actions that I’m tired of carrying. It’s not my responsibility how these people have chosen to treat my sisters like subhuman trash bags. And I feel it's only doing justice to hold people accountable for their shitty actions.

The first situation of domestic abuse in my life was my older sisters’ relationship. It was a relationship that was established whence I entered the world, and as such, have always felt a limited authority to say anything. This instance is hard because I love both people involved but it’s an undeniable deterioration that has at this point cost them and their children a lot of advantages and dignity. Personally, I feel they would be better off apart than beating each other down on public bike paths, but I've learned these situations operate outside of logic. She says she knows the way he treats her is wrong, and has made breaks before, but ultimately ends up back at his side. Contrary to his inappropriate conduct and physical aggression towards her, there’s such a deep-rooted co-dependency and permanent jealousy between those two, that it’s hard to imagine it ending any other way than fatally. Most of the police that have been involved tell me this. I brace for the day I have to receive this news.

The second situation is a lot more recent and with one of my little sisters. When it started happening, we didn’t meet her abuser right away. My sister moved out to the east coast and was with her a few months before we met her. And before we met her, we gave my sisters new significant other the benefit of the doubt. It was wasn’t until we met this person, and observed her abusive behavior, did we grow an intense distaste for her. My sister is held to rigid schedules and gets lashed out on/called names/accused of cheating if she violates these made-up, borderline unrealistic deadlines. My sister is blamed for everything that goes wrong. My sister is blamed for reaching out to her family about this person’s abusive behavior. My sister is smeared and called a liar. My sister is often the only employed party and gets told to try harder. My sisters "phone time" and who she's allowed to speak to are policed. My sister drinks to deal with this person’s insanity and then gets called a drunk. My sister can’t win, and she says she knows that, but she also says she loves this person. I've done my best to let my sister know that nothing in this is her fault, but my whispers against this persons screams mean nothing.

The types of abuse in each situations is slightly different, but the one thing in common with both is the level of conditioning. I've had sensible conversations with both victims about their partners abusive behaviors. However, there's always a betrayal that involves them continuing on in the relationship. It's confusing and hurts to watch but I understand it's a complicated circumstance. I've told both sisters now they should not feel responsible or ashamed for these persons actions and that I am there for them, no matter what. I want to know if there's anything more I can do.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#82
Agree it is hard to watch someone you love make choices - ones that you can see are not in their best interests...have been in that situation - having to accept that as adults they have this right - to make their own decisions...good ones, bad ones and live with the consequences.

I've told both sisters now they should not feel responsible or ashamed for these persons actions and that I am there for them, no matter what.
Believe this is the best option - keeping the lines of communication open and indicating you are there for your sisters. Know that when I was in an abusive relationship - other people telling me what I should do - just made me close ranks...isolate myself from those who had my interests at heart - wanted to help me. Did eventually reach the point of seeing my relationship for what it was - abusive. Made my own plans to leave - until I reached this point what others had to say...their advice - didn't take it on board - didn't want to hear it.

To you for caring :rs
 
C

Chris234

Guest
#83
I am not going to give you a big answer. Its a simple one: No! We r each only accountable for our own actions. U could sit on the floor w ur fingers in ur ears saying im not listening & blow raspberries (ive done it, not the best idea to calm things down) but u dont deserve that. No one deserves that. Only of the scariest things is walking away. Or running. My walking or rather driving away thing was in 2004. I had a 98 civic & i packed clothes, papers i needed, & a cat in my car & went to my moms.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#84
calm things down) but u dont deserve that. No one deserves that. Only of the scariest things is walking away. Or running. My walking or rather driving away thing was in 2004. I had a 98 civic & i packed clothes, papers i needed, & a cat in my car & went to my moms.
Glad you found the courage to do this...to know that enough was enough. Seem that reaching this stage is a variable and personal thing...for me a big factor was the realisation that I could not control/ was not responsible for my ex's behaviour...that the only thing I could control/ was responsible for was my response...that I had two options to stay (and accept that this was my choice...that likely things would continue as they were) or to walk away. Like you I chose the latter.

Smiled Chris :) Picturing your wee civic (use to own one myself) loaded with all your goods including your cat - wending its way to safety - to your Moms - yep reckon that is smile-worthy. Hope that for you this was the beginning of you getting things back on track. :rs:rs
 
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
9
#85
I've never felt so alone

I don't know what to do, I've called crisis hotline more times than I can count and hang up every time. I tried live chat and I don't know why I just can't talk about what I'm going through. What is wrong with me?! I don't even know what it is that I'm feeling that causes me to shut down, I've been in an abusive relationship for so long I don't even know where to start or explain what I'm going through and been through. I have people around that love me and care about me, yet I still feel so numbingly alone. We have three children together and it just makes everything so much harder. I tell myself if we didn't have kids I wouldn't be in this situation but I'm probably just fooling myself. I feel so trapped that I feel like trying to talk to anyone is pointless because there's nothing anyone could do to help. I'm having trouble finding the strength lately. Just getting up everyday and taking care of my children feels like trying to breathe while someone's holding my head under water. I just need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere and I'm not crazy
I too have three children. They are my everything. I finally escaped my abusive situation and came back to my parents. Once it clicked that it was abuse I started trying to find an exit plan but I couldn't come up with one that fit to my needs with my kids, specifically visitation with my oldest. Which ended up not being affected at all once I finally got out.
I wish I had packed bags for me and the kids for a quick and easy exit. With vital documents, precious possessions, more than one change of clothes for each of us, and money. Oh how I wish I hadn't let him scare me out of saving (he called it hiding) money. The day he officially lost his job, that I learned after he'd left the house to supposedly job hunt, was that he'd quit and walked out. It suddenly made sense why he hadn't called me when he got off work and just let me freak out when I got home wondering who was in the house until I saw him. The day he job hunted he came home later in the evening and started tearing into me and our five year old daughter, even telling her that the paper airplane she'd made (which she was so incredibly proud of) wasn't a real paper airplane and he'd show her what a real one was and he couldn't believe she thought that was even close to an airplane. I got after him for treating her that way over anything, much less something she was so proud of. Then he informs me he closed our joint bank account and gave me $30 out of hundreds. He continued being especially nasty and I finally went outside to smoke and call my mom who told me to come spend the night. I went in and told him what the plan was and he went into a tirade about how it was his birthday Eve and how dare I take his kids away and he was going to call my mom, I told him to go ahead. Completely void of emotion, and went outside to sit on the porch to call my mom again. She said he'd called her and wanted them to pick me up if we had to go because he needed the car.
My dad picked us up and once I had the kids in bed aty mom's I breathed a sigh of relief as we talked about the gravity of the situation. ((Because all of the religious, sexual, and emotional abuse had finally turned physical while I was holding our two year old son, leaving bruises on my wrist. I called the police, and they took his side and let him leave with the kids. And when I started sobbing from the crushing weight of what was happening the police said I wasn't fit to care for my children anyway. Remembering it makes me shake. And because I didn't let the police take me to the hospital and had a friend do so instead my husband is adamant I managed to do all the damage to myself.))

My mom convinced me to move back home. So the decision was made and my best friend and I came up with a plan to have her get my cat and some of our belongings and bring them to me and the kids at my mom's. It worked and we're relatively safe, at least from the most severe abuses.

I'm so grateful to be free and safe from his clutches. He still does his best to emotionally abuse me, even uses our children's emotions in an attempt to manipulate me. And I can't work until there's a custody order because he's just waiting for the chance I'm not being vigilant so he can't take them and keep them from me to really teach me a lesson. I'm afraid everyday, but he doesn't physically own me anymore.

I'm here for you. You do what's best for you and your children. Even if you're afraid, you are so much stronger than you even know. You and your three are in my thoughts. All my best.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#86
I wish I had packed bags for me and the kids for a quick and easy exit. With vital documents, precious possessions, more than one change of clothes for each of us, and money.
Thing that helped me when my thinking was all over the place...was to speak to staff at my local dv shelter. They helped me to concentrate on the practicalities - sort out things like the ones you mention. Also arranged for me to speak to a person able to provide me with legal advice - especially how to proceed in a way that helped to protect my property and other rights. Gotta say concentrating on these practicalities gave me something tangible to do...helped me to focus rather than getting too overwhelmed by the big step I was planning...to finally leave.

Ooo other thing I did was to come clean to trusted friends - told them what I was planning (had previously hidden what was going on)...was surprised how supportive they were. Let me store stuff at their house and generally were there for me. Was kinda surprised - before I did this I truly believed that I was the only one who knew that my then husband's behaviour was not ok...however, several of the people I spoke to had noticed...had concerns.
 
W

Waru

Guest
#87
Hi. I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I kind of just needed to vent. I just recently got out of an abusive relationship for good. I ended up having to block him on everything. We started dating sophomore year of high school, and everything was amazing. I was so in love and I even felt like he was too. At the time, I think he really did love me. We dated peacefully until after high school ended. I went to college for less than a semester before dropping out because of homesickness. I ended up moving in with him after I came back home. At that house, things remained okay, but I started to notice some odd behavior. He started to become a bit controlling and we would get into arguments more frequently. I ended up just kind of brushing it off. But then, after living there with him for at least half a year, we moved into a new place. This is when things started to get really bad. He started drinking a lot. I was kind of indifferent at first, and I would even drink with him. But I think this is what lead to a lot of his awful behavior. He started calling me names, demeaning me, and even physically attacking me. I still have marks on my arms from where he would dig his fingernails into my skin today. He would call me stupid, a bitch, tell me that I wasn’t his equal because he made more money than me and started working before me. He even controlled things that I bought myself. One time he was drunk and I did something to set him off. He kicked me repeatedly until I actually threw up. Then he made me clean it up myself. I had a horrible purple and green bruise for a long time after that. It hurt to even sit or lay down. The last night before I left his house, I had done something and he made me go upstairs and held me down on the bed and said that “I needed to be punished.” I left his house the next day. My family helped me move everything out quickly. But like what happens so often, I went back to him. Not to live with him, but I would over to his house at least twice a week. I don’t know why I thought he would change, but he didn’t. At one point, I went to a concert with my mom about five hours away from home, and after the concert I made the mistake of answering a phone call from him. He had been driving drunk and crashed his car into a field. He was absolutely hysterical and begged me to stay on the phone with him. He even knew I was at a concert. Eventually we ended the call so he could call progressive, but I wanted to make sure I would answer when he called me back. I ended up deciding that I wasn’t going to deal with that anymore tonight and I turned off my phone. The next morning he was pissed. He called me over 40 times that night. He said I should have been there for him, when it was his own damn fault for driving drunk. Hell, I’m hours away! It took me five months after moving out before I actually ended things for good and blocked him. In our relationship, he would hit me, kick me, call me names, coax me to have sex with him even when I didn’t want to, he would take my phone after we argued or something bad happened so I couldn’t message my parents. He would control most aspects of my life. I don’t know why I put up with this for so long. I used to tell myself when I was younger that I would never let that kind of thing happen to me because I’m strong, and yet it did happen to me. I find myself thinking about what I was put through often. It makes me feel absolutely horrible. I get so angry at him and I genuinely hate him at this point. I thought I had gotten over things, but I find myself thinking about it often and I wish those memories would just disappear. I don’t know if it’s right to post this here, because I am out of this relationship, and I’m not in contact with him anymore, but I really needed to vent. I’m sorry that this is so long.
 

Couragetofly

Known To All
Joined
Sep 3, 2019
Messages
608
#88
Thanks for sharing your story and sorry you went through this. I am glad you got away from him and glad you had parents there. it seems common to keep going back especially if you think they will change. Glad you found the forum and joined.
 
B

Beckon22

Guest
#89
Grew up with domestic violence, need an understanding outlet

I'm really uncertain if I am in the right place.
I grew up with domestic violence in the 80's, witnessed some horrible things as a small child. I've dealt pretty well with life but I'm currently having therapy and realise I want to share some of my disturbing and traumatic stories with people who can understand, relate, and also understand the things I feel today.
The effects of the violence have waxed and waned- I've done well at burying the memories - and I guess I thought they would just get dimmer and dimmer but they don't and as I confront my parents ageing and the problems in the family I feel terrible guilt, sadness and anger around the situation I was forced into as a small child and the way I have consequentaly struggled as an adult.
Do I just share here? can anyone relate to what I am saying? I woud just love for someone to say, 'I know exactly how you feel' and not 'that must have been really hard for you'. I want to share with people who understand as I never have had that chance before.
Thank you for reading and any for comments.
Hi there,
I too was born into domestic violence.
Yes you are not alone.
Sadly I am involved,and living with Scarry
Man. I'm greiveing,and trying to
Let him go,or make him go.
I certainly relate.
Beckon22
 
B

Beckon22

Guest
#90
I feel so lost and confused.

On Thursday night, I visited my boyfriend at his house, things went great and we were having a good time watching our favorite show together. It was getting late and I decided to head home, we had made an agreement before I had come over that his roommate would be giving me a ride home since I am without a car right now. Unbeknownst to me his roommate had left shortly after I had gotten there and was gone for the night. He offered for me to sleep on the couch as he only has a single bed as of right now and it's incredibly uncomfortable for us to both be sleeping on it. I had traumatic experience back in college where I had been sleeping on a friend's sofa and her apartment had been broken into that night and I was raped. So now I am very uncomfortable and anxious when I sleep at unfamiliar places. I insisted that he at least lay with me until I fell asleep but he refused and told me he was tired and going to bed. As I laid on the couch for about an hour , my anxiety got the best of me. My thoughts could not stop racing and my body felt in panic. I walked into his room and asked if I could lay with him and he flew off the handle, he got up from his bed to where I was standing and pushed me as hard as he could out of his room and slammed the door in my face. I pleaded with him to just let me use his phone to call my mother so she could pick me up as I had left my phone at home by accident because I had left in a hurry while going to his house but he refused and this seemed to set him off more, he then took me by my arms as hard as he possibly could and slammed me back onto the couch and by that time I was crying uncontrollably and was trying to free myself from his grip, he began saying that he wanted to kill me and bury me in the backyard and that he was going to go to prison that night. I finally was able to free myself and left the house at 3am in the morning with only a t shirt and boxers. I ended up walking 11 miles barefoot across town back to my house. I haven't been able to stop crying since, my whole body aches and I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with this. I need advice because I don't know how I'm going to make it though this. I loved this man, in the 7 months we were together I have never disrespected him , Ive financially supported him the 4 of the 7 months to help him get back onto his feet after losing his job. I did everything i possibly could for this man, how could he do this to me? I'm so lost.
Hi there,
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am experiencing alot of verbal abuse.
Worried it will get worse.
I'll never forget when I called the police
3rd time. They aressted me.
Now he has me in a corner looking like
The bad guy. Now afraid to get the police
Involved. We are also working on a
Construction project together.
My mother just passed. He was supportive
At first. Them started rageing,and packing
So creul. He just completely shuts down,
And has no heart.
Can't believe he abused me after my mom
Just passed.
Plus with out his help.I am prepared to
Sell. Very sad.
Looking for friends who can relate.
I'm in alot of greif
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#91
Hi Beckon. Welcome to Fort :ws

Can't believe he abused me after my mom
Just passed.
I also find it hard to get my head round why a partner (even a disaffected one) would not do what was needed to rein in their 'not ok' behaviour at such a time.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all you describe. Doing this while grieving and adjusting to the loss of your mother.

For you :rs:rs
 
B

Beckon22

Guest
#92
Hi,
My name is Becky. I understand,and going through alot of the same.
You are not alone.Being in a abuseive
Relationship drains us so bad.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
I feel trapped,and alone too. I'm went
To crisis center,crossroads on and on.
Hugs and prayers. See you in the meetings.
Becky
 
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