• Hey :) Just a reminder that Fort community is not equipped to discuss current ongoing abuse. If you're currently involved in an abusive relationship - please log out, contact hotlines and/or alternative sites (the Help tab on top of any page lists a few of each), and feel free to come back to Fort once you're safe and stable. Be safe.

Domestic Violence

Joined
Aug 2, 2018
Messages
2
#61
Domestic Violence victim here

I say victim cause it’s all so fresh and I haven’t really addressed this the right way. I suppose this would be a step in the right direction.
 

Jane

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Jun 19, 2013
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26,093
#62
Hi Xneen - first of all welcome to Fort :ws glad you stepped in...

Can relate to feeling like a victim rather than a survivor...sure felt like that when I initially escaped my abusive situation - overwhelmed and emotionally battered - relief that I was safe but still feeling like I had plenty of wounds to lick. Hope coming here adds to your sense of being less alone as you work on processing the trauma you have been through...begin to heal.

For you :rs:rs
 

Jane

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Jun 19, 2013
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#64
See you are registered Xneen - expect you have had a poke round the members' only sections of the site have lots of convo's on a wide ranging number of DV related topics in our folder on that subject. Good to have you on board. :rs:rs
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#65
Hello all,

I am new the community. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have only had one abusive relationship. It last from the time I was 21 until I was 26. I met this man when I was 17 years old.

I am new to the survivor community. I still feel shame about having been a victim. I have been blamed for the abuse. I have been blamed for retaliating. I have been emotionally abused, name-called... I can't even count how many times he physically hurt me.

I don't want to admit I am a shell of my former self. Any guidance in how to recover is appreciated.
Hi, sorry to hear about this, it will take time to rebuild, I would advise you to stay away from any kind of relationship until you feel strong in yourself again because you might end up repeating things or accepting to be treated less well than you should or could be. Give yourself plenty time to recover.
 
L

Lizlopz

Guest
#66
Im new to this..managed to leave a 2nd time..

Hey Everyone, im new here..after meeting this guy in a dating website. We hit it off..things were great. Then he started hitting me kicking me i always got back with him despite it. He always promised me he would change. Things just got worse. This happened all last year. On new yrs he got out of control and really hit me..i finally had the stength to leave. I didnt understand when things were good they were great and when things were bad they were horrible. And got with someone else..which he turned out to be bipolar and strung out on meth. he was also abusive verbally and physically. The guy i had been with that abused me the first time got out of jail for unrelated reasons..and i was vulnerable..he had written me drew me pictures and stuff..i know cheezy huh anyway i really thought he changed he swore things got out of hand cause he was addicted to meth and wouldnt lay his hands on me. I moved in with him within the week and things were good. He was sober but when we argued he would push me..i didnt think much of it since it wasnt a hit. On different ocassions he pushed me..last night he said he didnt like my attitude pushed me and i defended myself..he kicked me bruised my body punched me in the face and smashed my head against the wall and the tv remote. He hit me on the side of my thigh with my shoe. I can hardly walk. Nothing broken thank God. He spit in my face told me no one loves me he feels sorry for me and im nothing. Called me every name in the book.I called my parents and now i am staying with them they picked me up from the hospital...hes in jail i pressed charges. I cant believe im back in this situation. I feel so weak..so stupid..i couldn't believe he'd dp that again after me giving him the benefot of the doubt again. I just dont know where to start again...im scared. I feel guilt cause hes in jail. I know i shouldnt..theres something wrong with me..how can i not feel like i have worth..i use to be a free spirit. And happy..i am completely broken now. More than i was before.
 

weepingwillow

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Oct 20, 2012
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#67
Hello. Sorry to hear that things are so bad right now. :rs I hope you are able to remain safe. There are a lot of aftereffects of abuse. Its not an instant change and everything is better at once. You may want to look into our member folders, looks like you've registered, find some support there as well.
 
S

ScaredGirl23

Guest
#68
Hello. I am from the Middle East. My husband regularly beats me, I do not have my money. I can't file for divorce. All that I have come up with is to seek political asylum in the United States. But I am very scared. I read in the Internet that now rarely give political asylum because of domestic violence. Because many people use it. Can you advise something? Where can I go?
 

Manya

here an there
Admin
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Jul 30, 2009
Messages
17,831
#69
hey ScaredGirl23,

first of all, im sorry to hear how your husband treats you :rs
we can't give legal advice, but i got a coupla thoughts:

1. the US is not the only country that offers asylum. you could look into canada, australia, uk, europe - they all accept immigrants, all got different policies about it.

2. asylum isnt given because of domestic violence in itself, but because of discrimination. theres domestic violence in the US too, its not a violence-free country, no such country exists. but in the US violence is a crime no matter who the victim/perpetrator is, so you can call the police and they will try to protect you, courts might put your husband in jail, there are shelters and other programs for domestic violence victims, and you have every right to divorce your husband for any reason. if your country's justice system and social services don't offer you any help with your situation (because you're a woman, or because of your race, or any other demographic criteria) - then that's discrimination, and a solid reason to ask for asylum.

3. did you research programs for domestic violence victims in your country? some of the countries in the middle east have private charities running shelters, or offering employment, or legal help, or medical care, or some other such services. so even if you cant get help from the government of your country - there might still be support available. thats not to say that you shouldnt seek asylum of course, just saying its good to know what help is available in your country, in the meantime. domestic violence can be pretty unpredictable, you might need to run for your life at any minute, so its good to know where to run to...

:rs for you
 
S

ScaredGirl23

Guest
#70
hey ScaredGirl23,

first of all, im sorry to hear how your husband treats you :rs
we can't give legal advice, but i got a coupla thoughts:

1. the US is not the only country that offers asylum. you could look into canada, australia, uk, europe - they all accept immigrants, all got different policies about it.

2. asylum isnt given because of domestic violence in itself, but because of discrimination. theres domestic violence in the US too, its not a violence-free country, no such country exists. but in the US violence is a crime no matter who the victim/perpetrator is, so you can call the police and they will try to protect you, courts might put your husband in jail, there are shelters and other programs for domestic violence victims, and you have every right to divorce your husband for any reason. if your country's justice system and social services don't offer you any help with your situation (because you're a woman, or because of your race, or any other demographic criteria) - then that's discrimination, and a solid reason to ask for asylum.

3. did you research programs for domestic violence victims in your country? some of the countries in the middle east have private charities running shelters, or offering employment, or legal help, or medical care, or some other such services. so even if you cant get help from the government of your country - there might still be support available. thats not to say that you shouldnt seek asylum of course, just saying its good to know what help is available in your country, in the meantime. domestic violence can be pretty unpredictable, you might need to run for your life at any minute, so its good to know where to run to...

:rs for you
Thank you for your advises! I don't want to stay in my country. I want change everything in my life, start new life with new friends. And I would like to go as far as I can. I will search in the internet aslo about Canada.
 
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
12
#71
Hello all,

I am new the community. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have only had one abusive relationship. It last from the time I was 21 until I was 26. I met this man when I was 17 years old.

I am new to the survivor community. I still feel shame about having been a victim. I have been blamed for the abuse. I have been blamed for retaliating. I have been emotionally abused, name-called... I can't even count how many times he physically hurt me.

I don't want to admit I am a shell of my former self. Any guidance in how to recover is appreciated.

I have felt a lot of shame too.. and understand wanting to be more than a shell of what I was before
 
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
12
#72
Is once too much?

My husband and I have been married for 18 months. He never loses his temper very often, because I never give him any reason to get mad about anything. We have a happy marriage and a good life together. He is a kind man generally.
But yesterday in the garden we got into an argument (which is very rare) He ordered me to go inside the house. When I refused, he picked up a beer can and threw it full force at my head. He didnt apologize or look in shock that he did something wrong . I went inside, showered (I was dripping in beer) and got into bed. Im still here now. He slept downstairs on the couch and I haven't seen him yet.
Im English and hes Australian and I moved here to be with him. So its not like I can just go around to my mums or a friends house.

Is one incident of violence too much? Should I be packing up and going back to the uk today? I love my husband and I dont know what to do. I know that type of behavior is completely unacceptable, but do I walk away from a good marriage and everything it took to get here just because of this one incident?
My ex husband threw stuff at me too.. I think I stuck around because I thought I could help him get over whatever reason he was doing it ... for us ... that never worked... he got worse ... no matter how hard I tried... he got worse...
 
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
12
#73
My ex did something similar. He started actually punching himself in the face and said he would call the police and have me arrested if I did not obey him. That was my last straw before leaving.

We have shared custody and he violates it left and right. I have to jump through so many expensive legal hoops to try and get him to follow it.
My ex hurt me so I couldn't walk and when I told him that that was abuse he started hitting himself with a cane and yelling at me.. " is that what you want?"
 
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
12
#74
More from Original Poster

Hello I am the original poster. I wanted to explain why I am posting this now. I did eventually get away from this man to some degree. I divorced him. My kids stayed unharmed physically and unmolested sexually. He was able to continue to abuse through the family court system by filing petition after petition every few months for years on end; which kept us on the financial edge for a long time and the kids grew up in poverty even though my income was OK. I have to look at it that it could have been so much worse for the kids than financial difficulties. I was able eventually to get the courts to stop allowing and encouraging this behavior. But I felt crazy and terribly victimized for a long time. I lost most of my family through this, because in their eyes (and with my husband's "I hate to have to tell you this about your sister ...") I was abusive toward this sweet loving solid man and I was a monster. I had to face the awful truth about my family that they didn't think too much of me and didn't love me very strongly and were eating up the lurid stories told by my husband. I am telling my story now because my kids are almost grown and we are through it. The dangers are behind us now. The kids are OK. When it hit me that the nightmare was essentially over, I instead of relief, I am suddenly disabled with muscle spasms and physical pain with no discernible physical cause. I find myself visiting doctors who can't help me. I don't have to be so strong and tough anymore and I'm falling to pieces. I feel like I have seen the ugliness in so many, many people while trying to raise up children. There was no help, no support and mostly lawyers and family courts trying to make a buck off this nightmare. My extended family seemed to be in it for bites of gossip and putting me down and sincerely gleefully enjoying this pain of me and my kids. Where I should feel relief, I am bitter, angry and rapidly becoming disabled by this. I'm afraid of most people. I trust no one. Life seems like so much ugliness. I don't want to be this person. Where do we go from here? How do I walk myself and my kids into the sunshine, so to speak; and out of all this darkness? Has anyone else been to this place? Were you able to laugh and be light again? How did you get there? Is it possible to trust anything or anyone again?
Thank you for posting this... when I was being abused I became very dizzy and would become very faint... I too went to Drs. ...,
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
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Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#76
Hi my lashes - reading your post spins me back in time...back to a not good place. Like you I eventually left my abusive ex...thought I had prepared well for this big change...somewhat naively though it would be the beginning of the end of the emotional turmoil I had been living with...that to some degree I had adjusted to (maybe that is overstating it :D)...instead I really struggled...was not so much that people did not offer me support - in the beginning they did. Dk if it was pride or shame but something stopped me from accepting what they offered - instead I put on a brave public face - hid how bad I was feeling. Can also relate to your legal struggles and hassles - my ex was a lawyer, seemed to take a perverse pleasure in litigation for the sake of it - got to the stage where I felt I would never be free of him.

Long story short - my false ok front started to crack and I ended up being referred to a trauma therapist...think this was the thing that helped most of all. Did not realise how much aggro I had bubbling inside me, that and grief. Did not happen quickly but gradually I did find my way forward - started to see some new opportunities, new friends (ones who did not judge me - helped me to rebuild my battered social network). Now I look back and shudder a bit at the memories of the bad times, but also see that with time and work I found that I did have what it takes not only to survive but also to build a new life.

Grimaced when I read about your family...have more than a few drama queens and naysayers in mine...pretty early on got to realise that they were not my go to people when it came to looking for a non-judgmental ear or some support.

Hope what I have shared helps you to feel less alone :rs:rs
 
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
12
#77
Hi
I thought I had a handle on everything that was going on.
But about two years ago when I was in a hostile work environment i found myself triggering back to the powerlessness I felt when living with the abusive ex.
Tonight it just felt like it was time to check out a support group....
 
E

e116

Guest
#78
Grew up with domestic violence, need an understanding outlet

I'm really uncertain if I am in the right place.
I grew up with domestic violence in the 80's, witnessed some horrible things as a small child. I've dealt pretty well with life but I'm currently having therapy and realise I want to share some of my disturbing and traumatic stories with people who can understand, relate, and also understand the things I feel today.
The effects of the violence have waxed and waned- I've done well at burying the memories - and I guess I thought they would just get dimmer and dimmer but they don't and as I confront my parents ageing and the problems in the family I feel terrible guilt, sadness and anger around the situation I was forced into as a small child and the way I have consequentaly struggled as an adult.
Do I just share here? can anyone relate to what I am saying? I woud just love for someone to say, 'I know exactly how you feel' and not 'that must have been really hard for you'. I want to share with people who understand as I never have had that chance before.
Thank you for reading and any for comments.
Hello,
I understand how you feel. As I child I grew up with the police frequenting the house due to domestic disputes between my parents. Up until quite recently I thought I was doing good. I thought that I had dealt with my past well and grown up without the shadow of my dark past. Then I found myself in an abusive relationship. I couldn't believe that after all the years getting away from that I found myself out in the front lawn talking to the police just like I had when I was 13. I had to go to a court mandated session about domestic abuse a week later, where they told me that if a child experiences domestic abuse they are likely to mimic their parents. That the girls will often get into abusive relationships like their mothers had. I felt like the universe had doomed me. I felt hopeless when they said this. But I refuse to believe that there is nothing to be done about it. When people talk about the "cycle ending" I always thought that it referred to the abusers. If you get abused, don't continue the cycle and abuse someone else. But I guess it applies to us to. Be aware of the types of relationships you get yourself into. Ensure that you are not accepting treatment that is less than you deserve. None of this is your fault. Despite that, we must ask ourselves what can we do differently. We must recognize the signs, be aware of the indicators and demand more for ourselves. There are always going to be people out there who do us wrong, do you wrong. But the only thing to do is reflect and ask ourselves how can we make that situation better? I believe that is the way we can stop the cycle.

Would love for you to share your stories on here, we're here to listen.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
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Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#79
I remember being really shocked when my therapist pointed out that as a child survivor of abuse (being subjected to it and witnessing it) I had a much higher likelihood of presenting myself to the world (including to potential abusers) as an easy target. That many adults with my sort of history had self worth issues - did not necessarily think they deserved the best - ignored red flags non abused people would pick-up on and minimised stuff that was a real warning that this person might not be good partner material.

This convo with my T made me reflect on my own experiences...my failed intimate relationship - guy had accumulated very little despite being employed, had two previous failed relationships (he said these were down to his not up-to-it partners :D). had 3 children he had no contact with, lied quite a bit...could go on...suffice to say although I thought he was at the time - he was not much of a catch - caused me a lot of grief.

I think what my T shared was valuable - was a needed prompt for me to work on my self esteem, assertiveness and honesty with myself. This work payed off...present partner - been with them for years...is a mutually satisfying relationship - heaps of trust and respect. :rs:rs
 

weepingwillow

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Joined
Oct 20, 2012
Messages
14,329
#80
But I guess it applies to us to. Be aware of the types of relationships you get yourself into. Ensure that you are not accepting treatment that is less than you deserve. None of this is your fault. Despite that, we must ask ourselves what can we do differently. We must recognize the signs, be aware of the indicators and demand more for ourselves. There are always going to be people out there who do us wrong, do you wrong. But the only thing to do is reflect and ask ourselves how can we make that situation better? I believe that is the way we can stop the cycle.
:agree!
 
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