• Hey :) Just a reminder that Fort community is not equipped to discuss current ongoing abuse. If you're currently involved in an abusive relationship - please log out, contact hotlines and/or alternative sites (the Help tab on top of any page lists a few of each), and feel free to come back to Fort once you're safe and stable. Be safe.

Domestic Violence

U

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#41
More verbal abuse

On November 28th when my wife hit me the last time, I was really wishing it would end and I'd get away from her. I even had a momentary thought that I'd be happier in jail than having to deal with this. For me jail seemed like a safer place. That's how desperate I've become. Now I'm not going to do anything to end up in jail because I have to take care of my daughter and that's my absolute highest priority. I've talked a bit with some very close friends about that happened on the 28th and I even told me dad. If things start brewing again, then I need to leave the house no matter what. My lawyer has said the same. I talked with my dad today and said November was the first month in a quite a few months where I didn't stay somewhere else overnight to let things cool down.

I was out with my 15 month baby girl a two days ago and a nice older woman was marveling at her and said that at about one year a baby has a 1000 word vocabulary. That they understand that much already but they can't say the words yet. Now I think it's really kind of cute because sometimes my baby girl is about to do something and I'll say something to her like I would an adult and she'll stop and not do it. I told my wife about our babies vocabulary and we both were very excited about it. Now I've had a feeling for the past year that when my wife is mad at me that the baby can sense it. Now that I sort of think she can understand what's going on, I really don't want my wife to ever argue with me when the baby is around. I'm even trying to use complete sentences with my baby girl, instead of saying something like no.

That said, my wife lost her cool again tonight and even though I asked her very nicely to not yell at me or say the F word to me or other really mean nasty things about what a low life I am, which is her routine tirade with me -- she still did for about an hour. It used to tire her out and she'd have a hard time sleeping. I can only imagine what this does to the kidney bean size baby inside her belly at 8 weeks pregnant.

She's also trying to isolate me, so I don't have contact with my friends. On Halloween there was a burst of temper from her and that day I went to a church that has advocates for domestic violence victims and got the ball rolling with that. I met with my advocate a 2nd time yesterday and it was good to get current with him. It doesn't change anything, but it felt better. We have to meet at a Walmart I go shopping at so it looks like a routine thing I'm doing because I'm still on GEO tracking. She's also trying to get at the money I make with my businesses. This week I had to open a new business bank account at a different bank so if things ever get really bad, I have the ability to continue on and take care of my baby girl. I met with a friend whose house I say at sometimes when things get ugly at home. I did some computer work for him and I had him meet me somewhere near his house, transfer the stuff to his car, drive back to his house in his car and leave my GEO tracking cellphone in my car. I didn't want my safe place to be found out by my wife.

Now look, I can understand that my wife is pregnant and would rather not be working, but we need the money to make ends meet. This is a trigger for her on a routine basis. I want to cry when she yells at me and says I'm a horrible person. I can't do it in front of her or she'll use that against me too. It's all about control with her. I think in a way she was happy that I responded the way I did on the 28th because she finally got to me. I don't want to be controlled like that. Love and control don't work together.

We have our first baby doctor visit next week and I hope everything continues to go well with the pregnancy and that mid summer 2018 we'll have another baby. That said, if things aren't a lot better then in the Autumn it's time for divorce. This is having an emotionally deteriorating effect on me. I feel like I'm in a really tough spot and that I can't leave while she's pregnant. She'd probably threaten me with an abortion and divorce. I pray for strength every day. I pray for forgiveness when I don't feel I'm living up to my standards in the treatment of others. I also try to keep it focused on one day at a time. There's a little more than 200 days left to go with the pregnancy. Hopefully I'll find the grace to get through it.
 

Sunfl0wer

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#42
Oh man, what a way to live.
Not my place at all to judge but I am so glad you are getting guidance from domestic violence folks and are making plans. I do recall somewhere that it is best when you need to leave temporarily to stay at a friends place, then stay at another friends place the next time and so on. I think it is an intentional technique on sharing the awareness of ones situation with a larger scope of folks so when it is time to make the leap for leaving, you have widened your support network over time.

While current abuse issues are out of the scope of what Fort covers, I am so glad you are building your network of supporters and have 3D guidance from those who have helped others navigate the kind of situation that you are in.

I do wish you and your little ones safety and security that every human deserves.

Hope to see you register for membership in the future when the abuse is no longer an ongoing thing and you are needing support coping with the aftermath of it all. :bf :bf
 

Jane

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#43
Glad you now have support and a plan - a lawyer on your side.

My thoughts are with you as you at this challenging time -

For you and your delightful sounding little daughter. :rs
 
U

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#44
I'm sorry for whats happening. my mom emotionally abused me, my siblings, and our dad. she kept him from leaving by threatening us. I know you want whats best for your children but you should also think about yourself and try to get out as soon as possible (hopefully with your children). my dad was miserable. I know he loved us more than anything, but he was. you should contact a lawyer discretely and figure out a way to leave with custody of your children. it will only get harder as time goes on.
 

weepingwillow

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#45
Sometimes it's easier to take certain steps in some places. Sadly some legal options aren't available everywhere. It sounds to me like you have a good handle on your situation and what you need to do to get out. I hope that the steps you are taking to safely get you and the children out of the situation are fruitful soon.
 
U

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#46
I feel like crying almost every day

The title pretty much sums up how I'm feeling these days. Our wedding anniversary was pretty recently and even on that day, she lost control of her emotions and ripped in to me for hours. I felt horribly trapped because we'd driven out of town so she could do some shopping. I told her in the parking lot of one store we were at, that how she's treating me is making me want to walk away from this relationship. I was prepared to get out of the car and just walk away because I can't take it any more. It didn't end up that way, but I'm still walking on egg shells all the time. A close friend told me that "Hurt people, hurt people." Maybe my wife is in denial about the pain she has in her life and how she treats me as a result of it, but she just keeps on hurting me over and over again.

Since my last post, I've taken more steps to prepare for a possible departure. Per my lawyers recommendation, I got a safe deposit box and I put my baby girls' passport in there so my wife can't take her and leave the country with her. Legally if we're married, she can take her anywhere she wants, even without my consent and as I observed this summer no one asks for any paperwork if you're leaving the country with a child, even if the childrens passport names are different than yours. I also put documents I might need in the safe deposit box. I've also got stuff I'd need to work and go on with my life at different friends places. I feel like I am living a double life. One where I am married, but the other where I am preparing for life post divorce. Everyone I talk with agrees with me that it's a good idea. Even my dad. It's like I'm buying an insurance policy for just in case. I'm taking these necessary steps, but I'm crying as I take them and angry with my wife for making me take them.

As I was driving back to our home this afternoon I had a thought. All I want is a safe place to live and have my belongings. It seems that at any moment I may need to leave the house and never come back. Nothing seems sacred with my wife. She's broken picture frames with pictures of our wedding, broken some of my dead mom's China, taken the few items of clothing I have and more or less thrown them out on the front yard. Worst of all, she threatens to take my baby girl from me. I set a deadline of next summer when the baby is born as a try to hang in there until time frame, but lately even though there hasn't been physical violence, there has been plenty of emotional abuse still, I'm feeling I may not last until the summer. Sad as it may be to not be with my baby girl for a while until the legal stuff is worked out and sad as it may be to not be with my wife while she's pregnant with my baby, it may be necessary to walk away.

When I last met with my advocate, I told him that I'd like to meet more often, like maybe every week. That wasn't possible last week because my wife was off work. I'm not sure I'm really getting a lot out of the advocate at this time, but I want to try it out anyway. My very close friends are just that, very close and very helpful, but I feel like I'm a burden on them. They don't say it, it's just something I make up in my own head. My wife can't be happy living this way and I can only imagine how badly she'd want things to change, or maybe she's not even aware. One sad realization I had is that most likely this will never change. I appreciate this forum being available here. Writing about what's going on with people that understand actually brings me some relief...let's my own hurt out.
 
Joined
Jan 9, 2018
Messages
2
#47
They should have advised you not to do couples’ counseling with an abusive partner. Your partner needs to seek advice for her abusive behavior. It’s not your fault that she is abusive.
She has no right to engage in this type of behavior and I would suggest that if you can, financially, you keep separate residences until she gets the help she needs. No woman or man deserves to live with an abuser.
 

Jane

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#48
Hope things are falling into place as you go through this challenging (putting things in place ready to leave) time in your life. Agree that it seems wrong that adults can front-up to the departure desk with a child and leave the country - no questions asked. May help to talk to your lawyer about this one - your parental rights to maintain access to your biological child...how to act now to protect these.
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#49
I feel ashamed that violence happened agian

My wife has just been a raw nerve lately and everything is upsetting her, way out of proportion. I'd hoped 2018 would be a better year, but it's looking to be the same old, same old. New Years Day didn't have domestic violence, just her yelling at me all day long. At around 9:30pm I'd had enough and tried to leave the house, but she blocked me from leaving by standing behind my car and not making it that I could back out of the garage in my car and leave. I told her if she didn't let me leave that I would call the police. She refused to let me leave and I called 911. I told them that things at home were getting bad and I was trying to leave before it turned to domestic violence and that I was locked in my car in the garage trying to leave but that my wife was blocking me from doing so and that my lawyer told me that I should call the police for help if this were the situation. The dispatcher said it was noble for me to do so and said help would be on the way. About 15 minutes later 3 police cars arrived. Long story short, the police were very understanding and helpful. As I was pulling away my wife came out of the garage crying saying she needed help and money. I had about $100 on me and I asked the police if I should go give it to her and it was funny that all three of them said NO at the same exact time. One police officer offered to help by giving her the money. I drove away prepared to stay somewhere else that night.

So once I leave the house, the fight of course doesn't stop. She'll call me 50 time and text me mean stuff and then beg me to come back. All control and manipulation. This time she up'd the ante and said she's got abdominal pain from the stress and being pregnant. I drove back hoping to run in to a departing police officer and I did. I told him my wife has pain and thinks she may need to go to the hospital and asked him if he'd please go back and help her. He was happy to do so. A while later the dispatch office called me asking me to go back to the house, but stay parked on the street as paramedics were on their way and that someone would need to take care of the two kids at the house if she did go. Long story short, she got an ambulance ride to the hospital and I went back in the house to take care of the girls. As the ambulance was leaving the main police officer and I were talking and I said I've tried to get her to go to therapy but she doesn't want to. She said he goes twice...once for himself and the job stress and also for his wife. Nice guy that really cares...how thankful I was. At 3am I had to grab the girls and put them in the car to go get mommy from the hospital. I'd hoped she would have had a wake up call. but she still blames me for everything and three weeks later still does as well.

January 10th was another bad day where she thought it was ok to hit me as I was trying to leave the house. She slapped me 3 times, punched me in the face twice and put her hands around my neck at least three times before I was able to get out to the car. Now she's got a new game. It's called I'm in pain and need and ambulance. I called 911 for an ambulance but 15 minutes later it wasn't there yet, so I explain to her if she says I hit her or something, which I didn't do. All I did was grab her by the wrist so I could get out of the corner she'd boxed me in to in the baby's room and then by the door leading to the garage is where she'd hit me as I'm attempting to flee. She was threatening me with jail and I told her if that's the case and she goes to the hospital that the baby would go in foster care. She then revealed she'd cancelled the ambulance. I didn't believe her and called 911 again to confirm. She still wouldn't let up and was yelling at me and I figured as unpleasant as it is for me to do so, if she's yelling at me that she's telling me how she wants me to treat her and I was yelling back at her. 10 minutes later there's a knock on the door with a police officer. I cam out holding the baby in my arms and he explained that he were here to check up on things as they'd been out to our house recently and they just wanted to make sure. I said to him that I appreciate him coming. He asked if everything was ok and I said we were arguing. He said we're allowed to argue. He asked us individually if we were ok and we both said yes. I really wanted to say no and that my wife had hit me again, but it I had no visible injuries and I really don't want my pregnant wife going to jail and risk losing the baby. I got really, really angry later in the day. I didn't do anything other than cry. I guess it's a natural instinct given all the hurt I've experienced. The anger and most of the hurt have gone away.

Fortunately my wife has a two friends that I've managed to speak with about this happening in absolute strict confidence and they are concerned about her and trying to get her to get some help. But as expected my wife still doesn't see that she's got a problem. Here's something interesting I've discovered, but also probably knew already. To avoid fights I've just started saying I'm doing everything you want me to do and how you want me to do it. Of course she's still not happy. One day at a time I hope to make it through this until the baby is born in the summer. A few days ago she was really sad in the morning because she had a dream that I left her after the baby was born. I don't really want to, but that's sort of the game plan if things don't get better and I don't have any expectation that they will. Sadly, I've got my baby girl sleeping next to me and I think she could feel some of the negative energy coming out of me as I was processing my thoughts around all this and she was having what seemed like little bad dreams and making sad sounds. I feel better now after purging the negativity out here with people that understand and she's sleeping soundly as well.
 

Sunfl0wer

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#50
Wanting to say something meaningful to you but am really not sure what. Gonna ramble a wee in case something useful slips outta my fingers.

I have been in a similar situation yet no children were involved and of course, the kids being exposed to this makes it all the more complicated to pursue any direction. (Reunification, or seperation)

My personal experience with domestic violence in a relationship is that it does not gradually descalate. It does not magically get better. It usually ends via a huge violent incident where the parties, or one person, finds the situation intolerable to return to.

The thing is, as adults, we get to decide what is and isn’t tolerable to exist within our relationship.

For me, it was learning I was pregnant and the fear of him killing, or harming my child.

I am not sure what else to say, other than it could be wise to reach out to a domestic violence shelter to prepare yourself on what resources could be available. Sometimes they assist persons not in the shelter system with help in making a safety plan and such. Maybe trying the links, helplines could help with ensuring ongoing safety ideas.

I’m thinking...
Threats to your wife about her not making false accusations... May work now to prevent you from getting charged. Yet, you are still at great risk for jail via false accusations as often those who have a pattern of false accusations, eventually escalate.

Not to mention the real risk of escalating violence and abuse...as is usually the case.

Safe thoughts for you and your little ones:bf :bf
 

Jane

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#51
Hear you - how tough it is to deal with the situation you are in. Can not really add more to what Sunfl0wer has already shared. Utterly agree with her (and know from experience) that no amount of cajoling or second chance giving puts a stop to a person's established pattern of abuse...only thing that can do this is for them to want to stop...not because anyone else wants them too but because they have a powerful drive to do this them self. As you describe it (non commitment to working with a therapist) your wife is a long way away to wanting to do this. Thing I also realized (but not until after I had finally got away) was that my abusive partner kept 'pushing the envelop" proving to them self they could get away with it (even in the face of police intervention) were addicted to the frission of power that they got from being in control...exerting their will on another person.

Only way forward for me was to leave. Was a complicated heartbreaking process. Went utterly against the grain for me to harden my heart to my partner's 'poor me' manipulations (at the time did not see them for what they were - mechanisms to take me on a guilt-trip - hook me back in).

Can see that the safety of your children is a concern, good thing is that you are building up a record of her unstable behaviour - dk if it has reached the stage of being sufficient to file a case to gain primary custody of your girls - limiting her access to supervised visits...if you are talking to your lawyer about this option.

For you and your girls.:rs:rs
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#52
Young domestic violence

I got married to my husband at the age of 19. We were together for a little over a year when we made the decision to get married. He had been in the military for almost a year at the time. We knew we wanted to spend our lives together. He was always sweet and made me feel like I was a real life queen. He treated me with the upmost respect. I never doubted my love for that man. Once we got married our transition was really smooth thanks to the army. I dropped everything and moved away from home to be with him. He always struggled with his own past and I knew if I moved to be with him I would be able to help him get the help he needed and just take care of him. Everything was fine for a few months when one day I noticed he didn't look at me the same. I could see the hatred in his eyes. He would find any reason to get yell at me. He would make up scenarios in his head. He would blame me for literally anything that went wrong. For example, me not taking out the trash turned into me not caring about him. I had to pick up a lot of slack and walk on eggshells in hopes that nothing would trigger his anger. He would try to make me sleep on the couch, stand outside in the freezing cold, or kick me out of the house in the middle of the night in a town where I knew no one. One night in the middle of an argument he snapped. He had started physically abusing me and I was in complete shock. He had come from a family where the women in his life were abused by there ex's. He's watched it happen to his own family and would say that he would never lay a finger on me because of it. He lied. The first night, I was helpless and scared. I screamed, but no one heard me. I laid in bed as he choked me and hit me if I made any type of movement. The next morning he acted like it never happened. I was to scared to tell my parents because I thought he would find out somehow. I told myself that it was only one time and he would never do it again. Sure enough, he did. The second night, he got upset because I didn't take a blanket out of the dryer. This night, the abuse was worse than the first time. He ended up taking away my phone. He choked me time and time again. I thought that was it for me. I cried not because he was abusing me, but because I thought I would never see my sister again. The following morning I called my cousin who had just recently moved 3 hours away from me luckily. She was the closest person to me. I packed all of my stuff and my cousin came and got me. The next day I was on plane to go back home with my family.
The hard part is building up the courage to divorce him. I didn't press charges. I didn't take the situation to the military. He still has his freedom. I still talk to him everyday. I still love him. But I know the best thing for me is to get a divorce and move on because I'll never feel safe with him again. When I bring up divorce he threatens to commit suicide. I can't leave him because if he isn't just crying wolf then I feel like it would be my fault and I can't have that on my heart. I hate how he has such a strong hold on me and is continuing to manipulate my life.
 

Jane

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#53
Hear how conflicted you feel. Having lived with an abuser I know how somehow I ended up blaming myself for his behaviour. Did the 'if only..." thing. Took me time and professional support to see that I was not responsible for my ex's behaviour...just as no one is responsible for mine. What he did was wrong...yep he had, a tough childhood (one he certainly did not deserve) however that was not and never could be an excuse for his out of control behaviour. His decision to deal with his pain by attacking others...seeing this as an ok option.

I am so glad you are now safe - found the strength to get away from this very dangerous sounding man. Imo you deserve better - deserve to be treated respectfully - to not have your good nature taken advantage of.

I hope sharing your story has helped. :rs:rs
 
U

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#54
Living with Domestic Abuse and constant gaslightung

I have never been in this type of situation before. I have been assaulted in public and st home. If it is a good day I only get severely emotionally abused and blamed for everything . It has worn me down. I am also living under survelliance I am certain there are cameras . He has made up lies about me to neighbors so they won't talk to me. Also I believe he's having an affair. He has admitted to it . It's like living in a torture chamber. I can't go you a shelter because I work.
 

Jane

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#55
I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation...imo no one deserves to be subjected to what you describe. There is help out there though. I rang my local DV shelter - they put no pressure on me to make hasty decisions or even front up to their shelter, but did provide me with a listening ear on the other end of the phone...support and information that I could choose to access if I wished to (legal advice, therapy etc).

Eventually I did decide to leave (decided I would rather live under a bridge - (not that it came to that) rather than put up with the insults and tension. Initially I struggled on my own but with time and work I discovered like many before me that I could cope on my own - had what it took to rebuild a safe and satisfying life for myself.

I hope what I have shared helps - that you find your way forward. :rs:rs
 
U

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#56
I’m terrified. My boyfriend of five years smashed my car windscreen and side window yesterday with his fist as we were driving. He was in a rage. He was so angry it was terrifying ... I’m so alone , I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about his violence and verbal abuse.
 

Jane

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#57
Understand how it takes courage to open up and talk about the sort of stuff you describe - thing that helped me was to contact an anonymous help-line (have some links under the help tab in our header). I am sorry that your b/f feels it is ok to subject you to this sort of violence...to me it is just as scary as direct threats against you. :dk Angry out of control displays like you describe have a chance of escalating - of intentionally or non-intentionally causing injury or even death to those in the vicinity. Can't tell you what to do but in your situation I would take this latest event as a real warning and pack my bags and leave. If I had no family or friends to help me maybe contact my local DV shelter.

For you as you look at your options and find your way forward. :rs:rs
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#58
RE:

- I am sorry you had to go through that. It's definitely not an easy thing to go through. But I hope that your next relationship he truly treats you the way a real man supposed to. But don't rush it. My true best advice is to take self defense class just so this type of situations won't ever happen to you again. Just be grateful you still alive and you got away and he best thank you for not pressing charges on a coward that he is for laying his hands on you.


I got married to my husband at the age of 19. We were together for a little over a year when we made the decision to get married. He had been in the military for almost a year at the time. We knew we wanted to spend our lives together. He was always sweet and made me feel like I was a real life queen. He treated me with the upmost respect. I never doubted my love for that man. Once we got married our transition was really smooth thanks to the army. I dropped everything and moved away from home to be with him. He always struggled with his own past and I knew if I moved to be with him I would be able to help him get the help he needed and just take care of him. Everything was fine for a few months when one day I noticed he didn't look at me the same. I could see the hatred in his eyes. He would find any reason to get yell at me. He would make up scenarios in his head. He would blame me for literally anything that went wrong. For example, me not taking out the trash turned into me not caring about him. I had to pick up a lot of slack and walk on eggshells in hopes that nothing would trigger his anger. He would try to make me sleep on the couch, stand outside in the freezing cold, or kick me out of the house in the middle of the night in a town where I knew no one. One night in the middle of an argument he snapped. He had started physically abusing me and I was in complete shock. He had come from a family where the women in his life were abused by there ex's. He's watched it happen to his own family and would say that he would never lay a finger on me because of it. He lied. The first night, I was helpless and scared. I screamed, but no one heard me. I laid in bed as he choked me and hit me if I made any type of movement. The next morning he acted like it never happened. I was to scared to tell my parents because I thought he would find out somehow. I told myself that it was only one time and he would never do it again. Sure enough, he did. The second night, he got upset because I didn't take a blanket out of the dryer. This night, the abuse was worse than the first time. He ended up taking away my phone. He choked me time and time again. I thought that was it for me. I cried not because he was abusing me, but because I thought I would never see my sister again. The following morning I called my cousin who had just recently moved 3 hours away from me luckily. She was the closest person to me. I packed all of my stuff and my cousin came and got me. The next day I was on plane to go back home with my family.
The hard part is building up the courage to divorce him. I didn't press charges. I didn't take the situation to the military. He still has his freedom. I still talk to him everyday. I still love him. But I know the best thing for me is to get a divorce and move on because I'll never feel safe with him again. When I bring up divorce he threatens to commit suicide. I can't leave him because if he isn't just crying wolf then I feel like it would be my fault and I can't have that on my heart. I hate how he has such a strong hold on me and is continuing to manipulate my life.
Mod edit: religious references and identifying information removed.
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#59
I’m terrified. My boyfriend of five years smashed my car windscreen and side window yesterday with his fist as we were driving. He was in a rage. He was so angry it was terrifying ... I’m so alone , I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about his violence and verbal abuse.

There is so many here that will alway hear you out. There so many people you can contact never feel like you are alone in this world because you are not.
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#60
I just don't know what to do ... I'm in a relationship that is killing me one day at a time ... I try so hard to keep the peace cause I do care about the emotional drama he is going through ... but he is so rude to me .. not picks at everything... all ways looking for a fight ... he never have anything nice to say .. he's a drunk and his behaviour is getting worse he's breaking things .. he landed up in hospital conscious... but he just can't see he has issues ... anyway I did so much for him today and he came home and got drunk then through our only source of heating by smashing it on the floor ... then I lost it I got up and pushed him to get him out of my room .. then his anger and his verbal abuse towards me got out of control ... I know I have to get out ... but I'm so isolated now from my friends a family because I have been so embarrassed...I just want to pack up and leave ... but all our money is tied together and I have no one to turn to .. to help me
Wow, I am sorry you are going through this and I hope since then you moved on from the duche bag. Someone that drink definitely has not control over himself, well not a drunk. They can definitely very abusive, you should find help. I do also know that if you are being abuse hey can be taken out of the premises and in the meantime you can take some money out. Get as far as you can... Just my advice sometime you have to do whatever to get away and survive just for yourself . I live where a ton of people don't have no help nor seek for it and commit suicide and it hurts. to know they could of gotten help and they didn't. Amazing people also.
 
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