• Hey :) Just a reminder that Fort community is not equipped to discuss current ongoing abuse. If you're currently involved in an abusive relationship - please log out, contact hotlines and/or alternative sites (the Help tab on top of any page lists a few of each), and feel free to come back to Fort once you're safe and stable. Be safe.

Domestic Violence

Joined
Nov 9, 2016
Messages
2
#1
Hello all,

I am new the community. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have only had one abusive relationship. It last from the time I was 21 until I was 26. I met this man when I was 17 years old.

I am new to the survivor community. I still feel shame about having been a victim. I have been blamed for the abuse. I have been blamed for retaliating. I have been emotionally abused, name-called... I can't even count how many times he physically hurt me.

I don't want to admit I am a shell of my former self. Any guidance in how to recover is appreciated.
 
Joined
Dec 5, 2016
Messages
1
#2
Is it my fault that he threatened to hit me?

My husband and I have been arguing the last 3 hours. He called me names, put me down, saying I was in a hole before I married him and I should look at what he's given me...not the 1st time and when I got really angry after he said he would take responsabilities away from me (he couldn't take my phone cause I told him it was a gift though he tried) I slammed my fist down on a bureau a few times. He feels like everything he owns he poured his life blood into it and I know he hates it when I do that. So he grabbed my sweater by the neck collar, twisted it a bit and brought my face close to his and said with a fist in my face that if I did it again he would hit me in the face. He walked away and I stupidly at one point later hit the files on his desk with my fist, and he walked up fast and made a fist as if he was going to hit me so I moved my head back.

Last week I couldn't see something well, so he got impatient grabbed my head and neck to move me over. My neck had no bruise but it hurt for about 15 minutes after.

When we argue we say things that are not nice to one another so I feel like I didn't help.

Is it my fault cause I slammed my fist on the desk?
 

Manya

here an there
Admin
Joined
Jul 30, 2009
Messages
17,831
#3
:dk i like to think in terms of problem-solving rather than in terms of "whose fault it was". cuz whosever fault it was, problem remains, you know. i personally wouldnt be happy with my partner grabbing me by neck, clothes, or holding fists in front of my face. just not something im ok with, i speak english and prefer it when both of us use words instead of fists. on the other hand, i wouldnt tolerate my partner yelling or slamming fists on furniture either; id ask them to leave, and if they refused - i would absolutely call the police about domestic disturbance they're creating, file for divorce and order of protection too (since they didnt leave when i asked them to). i just dont like violence.

but thats just me. if you're happy with this relationship style, where both of you say mean things and slam fists and yell and whatnot - idk why does it matter whose fault is it? if youre both happy with this arrangement, you know? and if you arent happy with it - maybe marriage counseling or just a calm conversation could help negotiate some sorta compromise? i.e. that both of you will keep your hands to yourself? i mean, of course he shouldnt touch you and you shouldnt slam your fists on furniture, but life happens, if youre happy where you are and there are no children involved - i guess its a free country. and if you wanna change something - i figure that would take changes on both his and your side, not just his. even if i was ok with violence, i wouldnt stay in a relationship where my partner is the only one perpetrating it, you know...

:rs for you and your husband
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#4
Grew up with domestic violence, need an understanding outlet

I'm really uncertain if I am in the right place.
I grew up with domestic violence in the 80's, witnessed some horrible things as a small child. I've dealt pretty well with life but I'm currently having therapy and realise I want to share some of my disturbing and traumatic stories with people who can understand, relate, and also understand the things I feel today.
The effects of the violence have waxed and waned- I've done well at burying the memories - and I guess I thought they would just get dimmer and dimmer but they don't and as I confront my parents ageing and the problems in the family I feel terrible guilt, sadness and anger around the situation I was forced into as a small child and the way I have consequentaly struggled as an adult.
Do I just share here? can anyone relate to what I am saying? I woud just love for someone to say, 'I know exactly how you feel' and not 'that must have been really hard for you'. I want to share with people who understand as I never have had that chance before.
Thank you for reading and any for comments.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#5
Hi sorry to hear what you have been through, but glad that you are now working with a qualified professional. I hope having their input continues to help as you process and heal from the not ok stuff that you lived through...it's ongoing impact on your life and well-being.

You ask if this site will provide you with the opportunity to meet with others who know the experience of abuse. Can only speak for myself almost as soon as I walked in the door (figuratively :clol) I felt right at home here, like I belonged. Most of all that I had a safe place to discuss and share my issues.

Easy to join too. Click on the guidelines tab...have a read. If these sit ok with you, complete and submit the online membership application form. Once your form is recieved and your application approved you will be access the full site including the members' only sections.

Looking forward to seeing you onsite...wearing your member's hat if you decide to take the next step - register. :rs:rs
 

Tasha1701D

Fort Security Chief & Stargazer
Admin
Joined
Jul 19, 2013
Messages
8,451
#6
I really relate to how witnessing violence as a kid can have consequences later on in life. I'm dealing with the consequences of what happened around me as a kid, as well as the abuse I was subjected to. It has been really hard for me, because I didn't want to call what I had experienced abuse, it was just too hard for me. I've been working with my therapist trying to resolve the trauma I went through, and that's been really hard. I'm kinda having a hard day and don't feel up to writing out a lot of what I experienced as a kid, but I shared a little bit of what it felt like for me growing up in DV in this library page. :rs for you. Hope you find the support you're looking for.
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#7
Thank you both for your replies to my post. It encourages me to go further. I read your library post Tasha1701D and could relate to some things there. I will come back and join up as a member and try things out. Wishing you both well and thanks again.
 
S

So stuck

Guest
#8
Help

I just don't know what to do ... I'm in a relationship that is killing me one day at a time ... I try so hard to keep the peace cause I do care about the emotional drama he is going through ... but he is so rude to me .. not picks at everything... all ways looking for a fight ... he never have anything nice to say .. he's a drunk and his behaviour is getting worse he's breaking things .. he landed up in hospital conscious... but he just can't see he has issues ... anyway I did so much for him today and he came home and got drunk then through our only source of heating by smashing it on the floor ... then I lost it I got up and pushed him to get him out of my room .. then his anger and his verbal abuse towards me got out of control ... I know I have to get out ... but I'm so isolated now from my friends a family because I have been so embarrassed...I just want to pack up and leave ... but all our money is tied together and I have no one to turn to .. to help me
 

Manya

here an there
Admin
Joined
Jul 30, 2009
Messages
17,831
#9
:sp
i understand that he's rude, drinks, breaks things, etc. however, that doesnt make it ok to physically assault him. drinking is not a crime, while losing it and pushing him is. violence prevention programs vary by country, our help page might have some useful links/phone numbers :dk
 

supersaiyan

Part Of The Crowd
Joined
Apr 11, 2017
Messages
95
#10
What country are you in? From what you say, this certainly doesn't seem like a healthy relationship from both sides. I am sorry you are in this situation. I would maybe take the advice from the poster above me. Do you want to leave the relationship? If you do but you are scared to there are organisations that can help you.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#11
Can understand how frustrating you find your partner's behaviour. In my case I delivered an ultimatum...'come with me to a relationship counsellor or It is over'...he objected but eventually agreed to my request. Didn't end up happily but helped me to get the clear message that changing his behaviour was down to him...I had no power over this. That until he accepted that his behaviour was a problem and he wanted to change it...was prepared to do the hard work needed to deal with his issues (because he, not me or anyone else wanted this) things would stay the same.

Helped me to realise that the only control I had was over my own behaviour...how I reacted. Getting to this point made me see that living with him was not making me happy, certainly was not bringing out the best in me. That the best (but hard option) was for me to leave. Looking back I am glad I did...wonder why I accepted what I did for so long.
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#12
Today was worst than most days

I've been in a on again off again (usually on again) relationship for about 3 years, I'm the first person he's really loved and had a serious long term relationship with. He used to get very violent when angry (usually when drunk) a few years ago, then about a year ago he started pushing me around, we got back together after our longest break up about 3 months ago. At first things were better than they'd ever been but quickly took a turn for the worst. He began choking me, throwing me to the ground, etc. I should have left but for some reason didn't. I love him, though he loved me too, was scared he would hurt/kill himself, and was just embarrassed. We're currently a few states away after taking a road trip, 24 hours drive from home. Tonight things went to a new level. After I didn't want him to drink more he hit me, kicked my body and face, began spitting on me, trashed the house, and said the most hurtful things ever. Things are finally settled because he went to sleep but I just needed to talk and some advice. I know I should leave, and I plan to, but I can't do that until we are back home and until then I'm scared.
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#13
I understand

I'm going through the same situation I completely understand. It's hard to just leave even when you know you should. Especially when you're in fear for THEIR safety and their life.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#14
I'm going through the same situation I completely understand. It's hard to just leave even when you know you should. Especially when you're in fear for THEIR safety and their life.
Was a thing that I needed to work on...to accept that I was not responsible for any other adult's decisions or their consequences. Had been carrying other people's monkeys on my back for years before I got this message. Threats of self harm, suicide - now realise my ex used them to emotionally blackmail and manipulate me. Worked too for many years - thing that helped me was to learn to say "I am not responsible for what YOU CHOOSE to do"...to believe what I was saying and to walk away...refuse to react and engage with his guilt-tripping.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#15
:omg can understand why you feel scared...drunken rages and physical attacks...no one deserves to be subjected to these nasty and out of control behaviours. Behaviours that if witnessed would probably resulted in him being criminally charged.

Hear how you have decided that you need to 'get home' before you leave him again - I hope you manage to do this safely and encourage you to seek help if you have reservations about travelling with this seemingly unpredictable and dangerous man. If you are interested we have details of some agencies who can provide you with support listed under the 'help' tab in the page header.

For you :rs:rs
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#16
I feel so lost and confused.

On Thursday night, I visited my boyfriend at his house, things went great and we were having a good time watching our favorite show together. It was getting late and I decided to head home, we had made an agreement before I had come over that his roommate would be giving me a ride home since I am without a car right now. Unbeknownst to me his roommate had left shortly after I had gotten there and was gone for the night. He offered for me to sleep on the couch as he only has a single bed as of right now and it's incredibly uncomfortable for us to both be sleeping on it. I had traumatic experience back in college where I had been sleeping on a friend's sofa and her apartment had been broken into that night and I was raped. So now I am very uncomfortable and anxious when I sleep at unfamiliar places. I insisted that he at least lay with me until I fell asleep but he refused and told me he was tired and going to bed. As I laid on the couch for about an hour , my anxiety got the best of me. My thoughts could not stop racing and my body felt in panic. I walked into his room and asked if I could lay with him and he flew off the handle, he got up from his bed to where I was standing and pushed me as hard as he could out of his room and slammed the door in my face. I pleaded with him to just let me use his phone to call my mother so she could pick me up as I had left my phone at home by accident because I had left in a hurry while going to his house but he refused and this seemed to set him off more, he then took me by my arms as hard as he possibly could and slammed me back onto the couch and by that time I was crying uncontrollably and was trying to free myself from his grip, he began saying that he wanted to kill me and bury me in the backyard and that he was going to go to prison that night. I finally was able to free myself and left the house at 3am in the morning with only a t shirt and boxers. I ended up walking 11 miles barefoot across town back to my house. I haven't been able to stop crying since, my whole body aches and I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with this. I need advice because I don't know how I'm going to make it though this. I loved this man, in the 7 months we were together I have never disrespected him , Ive financially supported him the 4 of the 7 months to help him get back onto his feet after losing his job. I did everything i possibly could for this man, how could he do this to me? I'm so lost.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,093
#17
I am sorry what was meant to be a pleasant visit turned into a distressing event for you. Imo it is your partner's right to not share his bed with you - to say he did not want to do this. Was not his right to treat you badly and threaten you when you got upset and panicky. Seemed a reasonable enough request to use his phone to ring your mother think it says more about him (his lack of control) than you imo.

In your situation I would probably be thinking hard about my relationship with this man also remembering to make sure I have a taxi fare home and a charged phone before I venture for an evening out.

Also real sorry to hear that you have a history of rape...that the aftermath of this interferes with your ability to feel safe sleeping away from your own home. In a similar situation I worked with a trauma therapist and it helped - not saying this is right for you...but was for me.

For you :rs:rs
 

Sunfl0wer

Rebuilding
Got Keys
Joined
May 23, 2016
Messages
5,099
#18
he began saying that he wanted to kill me and bury me in the backyard and that he was going to go to prison that night
Depending on the circumstance...
I likely would have called police while walking barefoot home. Also likely woulda filed for an order of protection if I felt he may follow through with harming me. Well since he did put his hands on you, I see nothing stopping him from doing that again.

I say depending on the circumstance because it would first need to be my decision to not expose myself to such a person who has crossed many lines like that. Cause it doesn't make sense to call police or file an order to protect me claiming I fear for my life, when in fact I intend to see him in a week, so I simply don't know where you are at with this. Also, I can't assume where anyone else's personal boundaries are and what is ok for them.

If someone wanted to go a route to call authorities or get an order of protection, likely could be best to get the support of a helpline person who works with that sort of thing, to understand how to protect oneself safest way possible and what doing so entails. We have a tab at the top for "Help" resources.
 

freedom2016

Getting The Hang Of It
Joined
May 28, 2017
Messages
42
#19
my opinion...

I understand about feeling confused about what to do. I understand being in love with someone but regardless, in my opinion, you have to protect yourself and think of yourself first. When it comes to safety, you can be selfish. This site has an awesome library and the thread entitled "Cycle of Abuse" helped me understand some things. Personally, I think if he wanted you to stay the night, he could have just as easily offered you the bed and him sleep on the couch (just my opinion). But regardless of the situation and how upset someone gets, there is absolutely no excuse for someone to put their hands on someone else. I'm sorry, but maybe an Order of Protection may be a good idea. In my situation, I ignored my husband's threats for months. I never filed a report, I never documented the abuse, I only took a few pictures of the bruises instead of the hundreds I could have, I never called 911..... now that we're divorcing and we're going to trial (because he's denying the abuse and trying to get partial custody of our kids), I wish every day that I would have just made one phone call or filed one police report. Even if nothing comes from it, at least you'll have a paper trail to show that he made the threats. You can't go back and do it later. Again, just my take on the subject. My trauma counselor has helped me a lot with dealing with what I went through and helping me understand how the mind processes trauma. It helped explain why I react to certain situations now and helps me calm down when I feel myself getting anxious about something. Mindfulness meditation was recommended for me and I was told that it helps "heal your mind" from trauma. I hope this helps. Good luck with everything. I hope you're able to heal and get past everything you've been through.
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#20
I've never felt so alone

I don't know what to do, I've called crisis hotline more times than I can count and hang up every time. I tried live chat and I don't know why I just can't talk about what I'm going through. What is wrong with me?! I don't even know what it is that I'm feeling that causes me to shut down, I've been in an abusive relationship for so long I don't even know where to start or explain what I'm going through and been through. I have people around that love me and care about me, yet I still feel so numbingly alone. We have three children together and it just makes everything so much harder. I tell myself if we didn't have kids I wouldn't be in this situation but I'm probably just fooling myself. I feel so trapped that I feel like trying to talk to anyone is pointless because there's nothing anyone could do to help. I'm having trouble finding the strength lately. Just getting up everyday and taking care of my children feels like trying to breathe while someone's holding my head under water. I just need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere and I'm not crazy
 
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