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Discussion - forgiveness and forgiving

kessiemonster

Getting The Hang Of It
Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Messages
46
#21
I'm not sure I can answer that because I haven't forgiven my abusers. I think I'm more concerned with forgiving myself right now and not blaming myself for anything and trying to recover from what they did to me. Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive them. But I don't think that will happen anytime soon. I'm sorry if I wasn't much help to you.
:ty It was good for us to read about forgiving self.
 

sarahoknow

Part Of The Crowd
Joined
Feb 7, 2019
Messages
71
#24
I would hope so. I think I have been guilty of that. There would be a reason for letting it happen. Probably due to a way of coping with what is going on. A way of making things not better, but less worse. Or maybe we had no choice. Either way I would hope forgiveness would be forthcoming.
 

Aimee

Moderated User
Joined
Mar 9, 2021
Messages
93
#26
I find forgiveness and easy thing. Why hold anger, resentment, etc. inside us? It only harms us further, not the one who did harm to us. I long ago forgave them all. I only have some trouble forgiving my sister, who purposely caused some of my abuse to happen. I don't know why I still have very minor problems with her relating to this, though. But, I am and will continue to work on it and do my best to completely forgive her. Maybe it's b/c she's still around and blaming me for what all she caused to happen, I don't really know. But, whatever it it, I DO need to forgive her completely, for everything.

We all make mistakes in our lives, we all are not perfect one bit, we all have hurt people (verbally, physically, emotionally, etc). Why should we think we are so supreme and judge others. We aught to be looking more to ourselves, and what we can do for others. So what if we were hurt, abused, etc. So what??? Life goes on and we must too. Yes, most of it still sticks with us all, and we have lots of problems daily from it all we have to deal with. But, none of that should stop forgiveness. Forgiveness helps us heal and helps us move forward and learn to love others more, even with their faults.

The one that I have the most trouble forgiving is myself. Always true with me every day. I am currently trying to figure this out some, so that I can work on this. Even late last night, I was expressing what I wanted to work on to help with this.
 

Manya

here an there
Admin
Joined
Jul 30, 2009
Messages
17,912
#27
we all have hurt people (verbally, physically, emotionally, etc)
i wouldnt assume that. some survivors go on to abuse others, but most dont. we could start an anonymous poll, it might be interesting. i'll munch on it.

So what if we were hurt, abused, etc. So what???
so i personally choose to avoid people who are likely to hurt me, rather than embrace them and continue getting hurt. i can forgive and love them, but i dont have to stay close to them - and i certainly wont agree that what they did is not a big deal. it is a big deal. abuse is not ok.
 

Aimee

Moderated User
Joined
Mar 9, 2021
Messages
93
#28
i wouldnt assume that. some survivors go on to abuse others, but most dont. we could start an anonymous poll, it might be interesting. i'll munch on it.


so i personally choose to avoid people who are likely to hurt me, rather than embrace them and continue getting hurt. i can forgive and love them, but i dont have to stay close to them - and i certainly wont agree that what they did is not a big deal. it is a big deal. abuse is not ok.
Just want you and all to know I don't go around hurting others, unless something I have said, they might find it upsets them. I almost a 100% of the time, just take things quietly and don't even respond and just don't do anything just don't respond nothing. People doing say what they want and I know that's life and that doesn't bother me but sometimes it bothers me what they do and say but that's up to me what bothers me. But I don't go around upsetting people or hurting people are trying to be mean to people that's just not me or any of us one bit.
 

MythicalFallout

Getting The Hang Of It
Joined
Jun 25, 2021
Messages
37
#29
This is a question I struggled with a lot in my twenties and early thirties. The concept that everyone deserves forgiveness or second chances and denying them that somehow makes you faulty. I think there are some actions that simply shouldn't be forgiven. In my early thirties my mother got some much needed help and medication. She also went through breast cancer. All of the medications literally turned into a different person. She also lost memories for large chunks of her life and incidentally abusing us (unless that was more lies but I have a pretty good BS meter I think she was legit just clueless). I realized I was contemplating and struggling with how I could forgive a person that didnt exist anymore. which for awhile made it an even worse mind F### I realized what I really needed to do was forgive my anger at the injustice of it all because it was perfectly ok and right to hurt for those things. I realized I just had to accept what she had to give, what she did not and what I was willing to put up with. I realized at that time how terrifying it must have been to spend her whole life so angry and paranoid that everything was a threat to her even her own powerless children. I was able to see through her eyes for a moment and it created incredible pity and sadness in me that she couldnt have what I ended up with.

that was when I for the most part let it go. Some days I still relapse into anger but it is anger at myself for being upset over something so far gone and someone who is gone and cant hurt me anymore. Which brings me to an experience I was with my doctor the week my mother died and i was strangely serene. |Since I was being treated for severe depression and anxiety the doc was concerned (understandable) and asked how I was doing. I said I was fine. he was taken aback- I told him well she is gone there is no one left to hurt me. He said dont you love anyone- I said yes but none of them would ever hurt me that way. He had me transferred to another doctor shortly after that. He just couldnt wrap his head around it. . my philosophy- forgive enough to find your peace but never forget and lever put yourself in the position again (assuming you have the control to do that)
 

Sunfl0wer

Rebuilding
Got Keys
Joined
May 23, 2016
Messages
5,588
#30
I was with my doctor the week my mother died and i was strangely serene. |Since I was being treated for severe depression and anxiety the doc was concerned (understandable) and asked how I was doing. I said I was fine. he was taken aback- I told him well she is gone there is no one left to hurt me
Just feel like saying… I had a similar moment. When my foster mom died.. I stayed in the room with her body for over an hour or so. I was processing so much. I was soaking up a lot of peace, serene ness. I never saw her look so absent of meanness, anger, stress, hostility, etc… as she was at that moment. I felt it beautiful to see her face and body muscles finally look relaxed as I never seen her relaxed ever. I felt a calmness about knowing what she was /had done… in many ways… is over.

I love that time I had with her body so peacefully.
…When the life was taken outta her.
 

MythicalFallout

Getting The Hang Of It
Joined
Jun 25, 2021
Messages
37
#31
Just feel like saying… I had a similar moment. When my foster mom died.. I stayed in the room with her body for over an hour or so. I was processing so much. I was soaking up a lot of peace, serene ness. I never saw her look so absent of meanness, anger, stress, hostility, etc… as she was at that moment. I felt it beautiful to see her face and body muscles finally look relaxed as I never seen her relaxed ever. I felt a calmness about knowing what she was /had done… in many ways… is over.

I love that time I had with her body so peacefully.
…When the life was taken outta her.
that makes me feel a little better about it. I definitely felt defective when he passed me off to another doctor after the look of horror on his face. I wondered if I was just crazy, mean or soulless but realized I cry was to much for someone souless lol. Thank you for sharing.
 
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