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DID info and issues



I don’t know if I need help or advice or just someone understanding to talk to. The man I love, Steve, has DID. He has always been open with me about it although he claims he doesn’t just come out and tell people about it. So I don’t know if that makes me special to him or what. I still don’t know why he chose to tell me. Anyway, he and I are not in a relationship per se. We’re just friends but I want more.

The problem is I don’t think his alter, Andy, likes me. (He only has the one). Andy has never made it clear why he doesn’t like me and it may not even be dislike but just distrust. I know he doesn’t want a relationship. Steve, on the other hand, does want a relationship. At least one in general; he’s never expressed wanting one with me. I’m not even sure if Steve likes me in that way even though we have shared very non-sexual intimate moments. Lately, these moments have led to very good sexual encounters.

Steve knows I’m in love with him. Or should I say I’ve told him I love him. I’m not sure he “knows”. But he’s never verbally expressed any feelings for me. He has said that even though he wants a relationship (in general), he doesn’t think his situation will allow it because he and Andy want different things. He says he wants a girl to love him unconditional. And I do. He just doubts me every time.

So I know Andy is like his protector but I think he is the one hindering all of Steve’s relationships. Andy tries to convince Steve that all girls are out to hurt him. I think he has stepped away from merely protecting him to now controlling him. Of course I can’t tell Steve this because I don’t want to upset Andy and sabotage our relationship.

Another thing: I can’t tell them apart (unless I’m being verbally attached and my intentions are being questioned.) So I believe I love Andy too. Even though they are separate, they are both still Steve. (Correct me if I am wrong about that.) And I love Steve completely.

How do I convince Andy that my love for Steve is real? How do I convince him that I don’t want to hurt Steve and that I am in this for life? I don’t feel like I really need to try to convince Steve anymore because I think he only doubts me because Andy tells him to.

And should I even try to pursue a relationship with someone who cannot express his feelings for me verbally. I can feel the love when he’s with me, but I don’t know it without hearing the words. Then there’s the part of me that feels it is wrong to want a relationship with Steve if Andy is not on board. What Steve does affects Andy and what Andy doesn’t do or won’t allow affects Steve. It seems one of them will have to compromise.

But I don’t want to live my life without him, without them. I want an intimate relationship with Andy, one that can lead to a long lasting marriage to Steve. Is this even possible? I should mention that all three of us are in our 30s.


here an there
Jul 30, 2009
well, this might be very controversial, but i'll just give my honest thoughts here. not representing staff, just personal opinion.

i believe that DID is - one person who dissociates to the point that a few separate alters develop. it is all one mind, one body, one person. but they are split up into a few separate ones. just such a condition. those alters feel separate, an are indeed separate, in a psychological sense, - yet they all form one big person: the person who they all split up from, the physical/legal body. its one mind split up into a few. not a few random ones somehow happening to share one body. thats science fiction to me.

so. andy is not a whole separate person in addition to steve. not like unpleasant inlaws you gotta tolerate. the person youre in love with is a combination of steve an andy. thats just how it works. just like you cannot be in love with someone when they happy, an simultaneously not get along with them when they are sad. you love the whole person. an with those who have did - it means loving this whole bunch of their alters. cuz they all constitute your loved one. cant pick an chose here.

so my take on it is that you dont convince andy that you love steve an the relationship will be good for steve. you convince andy that you love them both, andy an steve, an want a relationship with both of them, an it will be good for both of them. that is, of course, if you feel this way. if you dont - might want to re-evaluate the whole thing, idk.

taking sides an interfering with arguments between parts of a did system is never a good idea imho. if only cuz they will always be together, an will prolly figure out their disagreements eventually an get along one way or another, sooner or later. so if you get caught up in the middle of a conflict - you might be the one suffering in the end...

gl to you :2b


Part Of The Crowd
Feb 14, 2013
The other reason why it is not attention seeking behavior is because once someone is diagnosed with DID/MPD they often times believe there is something really wrong with them, that it’s proof they are crazy, they’re going to be locked up, and lose all respect in the families and/or communities. Richard Berendzen in his book, Come Here, stated it perfectly, “If your body were hurting, people would send you flowers, but if your mind is hurting they throw bricks." Staying hidden is their only protection from persecution.

This is perfect. Thank you for this article. it helped immensely.
Dec 2, 2012
just wanted to say thank you for posting this. it is very helpful and informational for many people i believe.



I'm wondering if any folks out there have any personal experience with integration? Alters left in the front position for too long tailspin, and then burn out, not so fun…so we're beginning to question our previous dislike of the term "integration." At this point walls between alters are pretty thin and transparent, so when one is out, nine times out of ten, those inside know what's happening with the one who's out. I've read that some believe this to be "integration" in a way- integration being a process, sharing intel between parts as part of that process. The burn out of the part/alter left in the front position seems to indicate, to me anyway, that whatever we're doing isn't working anymore. It used to work, but something's got to change. Thing is I'm struggling with even picturing how to make us all closer still. And then if we merge parts aren't we just going to make another personality/identity- yeah, it's composed of everybody, but isn't that still just another identity?


Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Jun 19, 2013
Welcome to the Fort :hi

I have a long-standing history of DID...unlike you I am not co-conscious with my parts...but have learned more about them as my T has always recorded our sessions/her discussions with them. Because my system is so long established and in the main fairly functional integration has never really been one of my treatment goals...however despite this on occasions characteristics, traits and knowledge from one of my parts leaks across into my consciousness (e.g. one morning I woke up with an indepth knowledge of Latin a language that I have never studied. When this happens the info that is transferred stays with me...becomes mine. My T says this is an example of integration.

I hope sharing my personal experience helps.

I don't know if you have thought about becoming a member of our community...many of us here live with DID so plenty of people to share and discuss things with.

If you are an abuse survivor and 16 or over this is an option you may like to consider. http://www.fortrefuge.com/forum/register.php

For you. :rs


Getting The Hang Of It
May 24, 2014
im not seeing the info

im not seeing the info when i click the thread the first post is a comment the thread itself :( help ?


If you're an RA survivor and have a therapist, I recommend giving your therapist a book called "Healing the Unimaginable". It has some really great information for therapists and also some good integration stories. Some choose to not integrate, but co-habitate. Basically that means getting your system to get along with each other, and creating comfy places for them to heal.

Hope this helps!
Jul 2, 2014

I have een diagnosed with DID for three years now yet I dont consider myself an expert by any stretch. However, I have always thought integration is when all of the parts begin to realize that yoou are the main person and they all egin helping you live your life instead of living their own. Mine have started doing that and it is wonderful to see how coopperative they have become. Sure there are still problems that rise up but they can be quickly handled.
I wish you the very best!


Part Of The Crowd
Oct 4, 2013
We thought integration had taken place in 2006, but some of our other personalities had tricked the host (me) to try and provide what I wanted at the time (Integration - just be one person and no longer MPD or DID as it is referred to now). Found out last year that full integration had not taken place, instead only a few integrated with the host, and is possible that they could split of still as it is possibly not a strong integration. So now feel like we are at the start again, but have found that integration is no longer the most important thing for the host, she would just be happy that we all grow up strong and healed and can help one another to live life. The main focus is to be fully co conscious with one another and to hope treatment will help.

Kind regards The Collective
Sep 20, 2014
About integrating

Hello. I'm glad you took the risk of writing about this subject. It's very hard when what we've been doing for a long time stops working well for us.

I was diagnosed with MPD in 1990, before the label DID existed. There were many of us sharing this body. My system had been working very well for over twenty years, but when it stopped working well, everything fell apart. Everything. I couldn't function.

Once I got ahold of an experienced therapist and the MPD diagnosis, we started hearing everyone's stories and working to make everyone inside feel safe and protected. Everyone had a job, a name, and a way to be heard. We had a system that worked well enough to stay alive and do the healing work we needed to do to get well.

For me, becoming "one" was always the target. I figured I was born that way and wanted to get back to that space. I was polyfragmented, so it took some time, about three years. But different parts would make friends and get closer and closer until they didn't want to be separate any more. We created a routine for integrating, and everybody had a part in it. Nobody disappeared or got lost. Nobody was forced. Integrating parts loved each other into merging.

I think it's possible to split again, that once we've created alternates we can always do it again. But I like being one and plan to stay one. It's a lot quieter, that's for sure! At first the quiet was a little lonely, but it was a good trade off. We loved ourselves into oneness.

I hope you find the path that fits you perfectly, like mine fits me. You have choices. I really hope you have a wise therapist to do the healing work with you. Whatever you do, you'll still have all the flavors of you.

Hope this helps!


Growing Famous
Got Keys
Jun 3, 2013
For many years our system was a reasonably well functioning and well hidden one. While we did not feel that we should be any other way we did understand that it was not something outsiders would understand. We came to a point in life with some traumatic and debilitating events all rather close together and that caused a "break" in our system's function. My experience with therapy is rather new and my diagnosis is very recent so integration is not a regular subject as of yet. We have had partial co-consciousness for along time but mostly with our out fronts ( our word for the alter in control of our host) but the growing awareness and interaction with others is a newer thing.We are aware now that it has happened all along but in the past it was a far more controlled process. We rather like having others though we are concerned about what they bring with them. We would like a more stable system but at this time we do not want integration. We value ever one very much, even if it may be painful sometimes. Sorry for the long winded response, we are not sure a short explanation was possible though.
Mar 16, 2016
This is So important to know, very informative

Thank you for this information..

Does BPD or Borderline Personality play a part in this or no? :)