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Counseling/therapist issues and discussions

Faylin

Known To All
Joined
Feb 15, 2015
Messages
425
#21
Hi, been reading this thread with interest and can very much agree with what others have said. I would feel very violated if my husband would, without my knowing or consent, contact my T to talk about me. However, perhaps it is an option to talk with your wife about seeing her T together once so you could discuss your concerns (without putting a label on the things you observed, frankly that is just not up to you to do). I don't know if that is an option, but in my case my T is open to it and actually invites my husband to come over if he wants to discuss things. For us this works, I feel safer and less defensive a when we include T in these conversations instead of having them at home. My husband has come along 3 times in the past years, and it has been helpful.

Just a suggestion, I hope you and your wife can work this out to a solution acceptable for both of you. I can imagine how hard it must be to be in your situation, being concerned foe her and not being able to act in that. Whish you both the best!
 

Lost_In_Thought

Part Of The Crowd
Joined
Jul 18, 2011
Messages
153
#22
My husband wrote a short letter to my therapist,he gave it to me right before a session.It was in a sealed envelope,and he asked me to not read it ahead of time,to give it to my T during the session.

I opened it and read it in the waiting room(of course).It was written with such love and concern that it didn't upset me.And I did give it to my T during my session and we talked about it.

That was way better than if he had called my T behind my back.That would have been such a deep betrayal to me.The way he did it,it was my chouce whether to read it ahead of time or not,also my choice to give it to my T or not.He took a big chance in it going very wrong,but the way he worded the letter was what made the difference.

Not suggesting that's what you do,of course,just saying whatever you decide,please make sure you put your wifes feelings first.
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#23
do therapists talk things up?

Hi, it's a little odd for me to be posting here but I'd really like your advice. I've never seen a therapist before but recently I started seeing one because I wanted to access hormones. I don't identify as trans - I'm non-binary and wanted low-dose of hormones to partially masculinise this body - but you need a psychologist's approval to do that, so i saw this therapist who was recommended for that. For the first two sessions, he asked me a lot of questions about my family and I tried to be honest with him. I told him my parents are very religious but not abusive. I specifically told him twice that I have no trauma in my background. Today was the third session and he told me he's not willing to sign off on the hormones because of how dissociative I am. He says it's possible that gender issues are part of why I have difficulty being in my body but he can't say for sure that that's the case because of how much trauma I've been through. I was like, wtf? what trauma? He says that my childhood and early adulthood was traumatic and that it made me need to disconnect from my body and my emotions. The way he describes it is factually accurate - as in he's not saying things happened that didn't - but he describes it in an entirely different colour to what I do, if that makes sense. He also said something about my memory gaps but I forget that part. Anyway, the point of my post is that he says that I can stop seeing him and carry on as I have been but if I want things to change he's going to have to see me for a "long time and maybe a very long time". I was afraid to ask him to be more specific because he's very expensive. My question is, how can I know if he's just making this up to get more clients and more money? Is that something therapists do? He was recommended by my GP for the gender stuff and I've googled him and seen nothing negative, but - I don't know, how can I know he's not just making this up? That's what it seems like to me. My parents were difficult to live with but not anything like what he seems to think.
 

Sunfl0wer

Rebuilding
Got Keys
Joined
May 23, 2016
Messages
5,205
#24
Short answer: Sure, a therapist can spin stuff to make it seem like someone needs more sessions. Of course that is possible.

Longer one: However, if you have issues with dissociation and are unaware of the trauma that caused the extent of this dissociation, is it also possible that you are too dissociative to recall stuff? That you are in some kind of denial or minimization about it?

I don't know what your parents are like, or what his impression is of them, but if you are having one sense of things, and this T is having another, sounds a bit like maybe you are possibly minimizing things? I mean, I really do not at all know.

I do know that I have a dissociative disorder and it is real common for me to feel certain things are "normal" or ok that really are not, and not really notice this unless it is pointed out to me in some way. It is also typical for me to be in denial or even just plain unaware to the extent of my dissociation and how severe it is. I also have some issues with the body that I am in. Not gender ones, but do have issues relating to my body, seeing it as my own and that it is a correct one to be in.

Imo, just knowing that I do indeed have issues with dissociation makes it seem highly appropriate to me to first address my dissociation prior to choosing to affect my physical gender expressions.
Just my 2cent worth. :bf
 

Manya

here an there
Admin
Joined
Jul 30, 2009
Messages
17,876
#25
another thought - you can always get a second opinion; talk to another one, see what they say. not like this guy is the only therapist in the country, you know.

also, not saying its a rule that always applies or anything, but in my personal experience a very expensive therapist has as many clients (and therefore as much money) as he wants, can pick and choose whom to work with, and has little reason to milk someone unmotivated and uninterested. i mean, its hard to work with a client who feels they are perfectly fine and dont need any therapy. much easier to refer them away and work with someone who actually wants it, you know. in my experience, the more expensive the therapist, the less concerned with money they are; they pick clients based on their academic interests, or to balance their overall workload, e.g. "i have three anxiety disorders already, not gonna take on a fourth one, lemme refer them away and wait for something more exciting to come along." many work on sliding scale fee, or even probono. doesnt mean they are always right of course, can totally be an idiot or a charlatan or whatever, just they arent as desperate to get clients...
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,103
#26
Got a different call on this one - think I downplayed stuff, know I did. Took me a while to see that my T was not overplaying my issues, was instead giving them the attention they warranted. Took me time to accept when she had an emotional response to some of the very not ok stuff I had lived through this was probably more 'normal' than my deadpan disconnected reaction to it.

Not saying this is how it is for you and your T - just sharing my experience for what it is worth. :rs
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#27
Thanks everyone. That's all really helpful. I guess I'd like to be able to know for sure that he's at least genuinely believing these things (even if mistaken) and not just saying it to get more fees, but other than what I've done - googling, asking queer people I know etc. - I can't really think of anything else I can do to check that. I don't get a vibe of deceptiveness from him but I don't really trust my instinct on that either.

He says many things that are alarming and strange. But then other things he says make more sense than anything an outside person has ever said to me, which I guess is what's tempting me to stay with him and try to find the $$ to be able to do that.

I'm probably acting like I'm signing my life away by agreeing to go with him, which is stupid - I know I'm not. I can stop anytime I want. For some reason though it feels like if I go down this route with him, it will be harder to stop and back out of than it is right now - harder than just cancelling the next appointment and saying, "sorry, this isn't helping so I'm moving on".

I have no experience with therapists. It's a weird place to be.

I'm sorry if this sounds strange or incoherent. I just don't know how to work it out. It's new.
 

Shelter

Known To All
Joined
Apr 10, 2016
Messages
404
#28
Hi,

Read your post and think that it is my experience (also) that it can be harder to pull out of a contact like this when having more appointments. I myself wished I had listened to my gut-feeling when in a situation like you describe.
I didn't listen and since I am 'very good' in 'only seeing the best in things' and to things that 'actually dó work' , I've not done a good job 'protecting' myself in a certain th*rapist relationship. I regret that.
Looking back, I did know (deep inside) that I should not continue with this th*rapist, but I did.

Not saying this is the case for you also. Just sharing my experience.

Good luck in finding your way !
 

SF

Banned
Joined
Sep 24, 2014
Messages
478
#29
asked and answered for the most part I think but i agree with a couple here you might want to get another opinion some even offer free consults or sliding scale if $$ is an issue. not sure about shrinks 'talking up' -they are human so anything's possible I saw one who's ego was more the deciding factor on what was 'wrong' with you. he gave me all kinds of labels but i didn't think he was right so i let it roll off and ended up going elsewhere. later this same shrink lost his license over some unethical stuff he did with a patient. so, yeah, other factors besides professional opinion could be influencing them (not necessarily $$) and a 2nd opinion can't hurt and sometimes you should trust yourself.

right or wrong, if you're looking for therapy then whatever issues you have whether minimized or not will most likely come about.
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#30
I don't know. I'd written a long post but deleted it. I can talk myself into both points of view, which is why I'm so bad at making decisions. The safest is to just say no to everything.
 

SF

Banned
Joined
Sep 24, 2014
Messages
478
#31
sometimes we overthink things. im guilty of that a lot. just take it a day at a time and see what comes of it. 97% of choices we make can be undone. at least in my experience. so i don't worry to much about 'yes' answers.
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
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Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,103
#32
If you are interested we have some great articles on therapy/therapists...choosing one and such in our library http://www.fortrefuge.com/library.php#therapy also links to agencies some of which offer on-line or face to face support (by professionals or trained volunteers) listed under the help tab in our header. :pg
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#33
When mine won't go to therapy its time for me to go

I thought that access to therapy and mental health care and support was one of the best things I could offer my kids. I sure wish I'd had this access when I was a kid. I thought that my willingness to offer access to counseling/therapy would at least assure my teens I will be honest, not keep secrets, and be willing to look at and correct my own shortcomings; and have these be scrutinized by professionals. My teen daughters are only interested in counseling therapy during times of high anxiety, such as dating a new guy, starting up in a new school. Other than these times, when I suggest therapy, my kids respond with "maybe you should go mom". More often than not, I do go and more often than not this ends up being helpful for all of us. We've been through some trauma but it's passed now. The kids are moving on with their lives and they know that all they ever need to do is ask and whatever support is needed will be provided to the best of my ability. It sounds like you are doing this also and I don't know that there is more that we can do. You may find that therapy for you regarding your concerns over your daughter may be very helpful for both of you.
 
U

Unregistered

Guest
#34
Also, it might have to do with a struggle for control. Everyone has such great answers. In order for counseling to benefit her she needs to want to be there and feel it’s her choice. It sucks that she went through what she did and I would imagine she may struggle with feeling she is making decisions or having control. Maybe support the positive coping you do so? Is there anything positive she is or can do?
 

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,103
#35
:agree that counseling works best if the person does not feel coerced to be there. Once attended couple counselling with a reluctant partner. In his opinion 'we might as well have put the money we spent on the floor and set fire to it'. Can see why he felt like this. He didn't want to be there, did not want to discuss issues that he felt had no foundation and certainly did not see any need to change the dynamics of our relationship. Was disappointing but the only option for me was to accept how he felt...not agree with it but accept that this was his truth. Needless to say our relationship didn't have a happy ending. We stood too far apart on important matters to be able to work as a functional team. :D
 

Couragetofly

Known To All
Joined
Sep 3, 2019
Messages
608
#36
So true Jane. Ive had similar experience with ex (never got there though). However, I would like to congratulate you on standing by your daughter. Sometimes supporters need counselling too. Perhaps you can set example in seeking help for yourself?
 
L

LauriePes

Guest
#37
Hi there; I am Laureat and I have a question;

Why dont you share something about how to become PROFESSIONAL on this FORUM: than people see if it is worth to FOLLOW you on other WEBSITES as well?

I hope you answer the question, and have a nice day...
 

Manya

here an there
Admin
Joined
Jul 30, 2009
Messages
17,876
#38
Hi there; I am Laureat and I have a question;

Why dont you share something about how to become PROFESSIONAL on this FORUM: than people see if it is worth to FOLLOW you on other WEBSITES as well?

I hope you answer the question, and have a nice day...
:dk puzzled by your question. this website is for abuse survivors, not mental health professionals. all forums except for this one are private, visible to members only. the community is anonymous, we dont use the same nicks here as we might on other sites. so what youre proposing isnt feasible: a mental health professional registering at fort to gain followers on other sites they use - would be in violation of a few guidelines and get instantly banned :bf
 
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