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Can't let go

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incognitoguest

Guest
#1
#1
I have recently left an abusive marriage after 28 years. When I left, he was nice and helped me pack. Then he became angry and after coming to my new place and yelling at me, he stopped talking to me for about a month. During that time, I was doing fairly well adjusting to my new life and preparing for my divorce. Then he came back, calling and texting with requests, demands, questions, and the like. Throughout this whole process, he has apologized and asked for another chance. For some reason that I can’t really understand, I want to talk to him now. It’s like something triggered this pull to answer his calls and talk to him. I fluctuate between wanting to be left alone and wanting to talk to him. Which makes no sense to me, because he was a jerk and I want a divorce. Did anyone else have these types of feelings when they left their abuser? My (adult) kids think I am crazy, but 28 years is a long time to be with someone. Maybe it’s just the comfort of him or something.
 
Jane

Jane

Lark Ascending
Got Keys
#2
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
26,233
#2
incognitoguest said:
Did anyone else have these types of feelings when they left their abuser?
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Can relate. Like everyone my ex was not all bad - had some lovable aspects...ones I missed...had good reason to miss. Unfortunately his positives did not out-weigh his not ok abusive stuff...had to constantly remind me that my relationship (despite my best efforts and wishes) was toxic. Leaving him was my best option. Had to stop myself from giving him another chance (even though previous ones had not worked). Fortunately I stuck to my guns and did not lose my resolve...but it was hard.

For you as you find your way forward :rs
 
Sunfl0wer

Sunfl0wer

Rebuilding
Got Keys
#3
Joined
May 23, 2016
Messages
5,588
#3
Someone once told me that it takes several months of real distance for the heart and mind to align up again. It will happen, but I have to get through the detachment process for a bit to realize it.

Just because my mind understood the logical nature of leaving meaning safety for me, did not mean my heart, which was a heart in such wretched pain and feeling so unsettled for so much... well... my heart needed my patience and attention into loving me again even if it meant faking what self love could be like in behaviors and actions that my mind guided.
 
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incognitoguest

Guest
#4
#4
Jane said:
Can relate. Like everyone my ex was not all bad - had some lovable aspects...ones I missed...had good reason to miss. Unfortunately his positives did not out-weigh his not ok abusive stuff...had to constantly remind me that my relationship (despite my best efforts and wishes) was toxic. Leaving him was my best option. Had to stop myself from giving him another chance (even though previous ones had not worked). Fortunately I stuck to my guns and did not lose my resolve...but it was hard.

For you as you find your way forward :rs
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Thank you :)
 
I

incognitoguest

Guest
#5
#5
Sunfl0wer said:
Someone once told me that it takes several months of real distance for the heart and mind to align up again. It will happen, but I have to get through the detachment process for a bit to realize it.

Just because my mind understood the logical nature of leaving meaning safety for me, did not mean my heart, which was a heart in such wretched pain and feeling so unsettled for so much... well... my heart needed my patience and attention into loving me again even if it meant faking what self love could be like in behaviors and actions that my mind guided.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for sharing!
 
S

Simone_B

Getting The Hang Of It
#6
Joined
Apr 14, 2020
Messages
28
#6
incognitoguest said:
I have recently left an abusive marriage after 28 years. When I left, he was nice and helped me pack. Then he became angry and after coming to my new place and yelling at me, he stopped talking to me for about a month. During that time, I was doing fairly well adjusting to my new life and preparing for my divorce. Then he came back, calling and texting with requests, demands, questions, and the like. Throughout this whole process, he has apologized and asked for another chance. For some reason that I can’t really understand, I want to talk to him now. It’s like something triggered this pull to answer his calls and talk to him. I fluctuate between wanting to be left alone and wanting to talk to him. Which makes no sense to me, because he was a jerk and I want a divorce. Did anyone else have these types of feelings when they left their abuser? My (adult) kids think I am crazy, but 28 years is a long time G

Good Morning, I understand how you are feeling. He knows you are an Amazing Woman and Now he is trying to figure out what he has lost. Now, He knows the Grass is NOT Greener on the other side.
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L

Lily20

Newbie
#7
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
1
#7
Hi Simone.
I too have just split up from my ex a week today and I experience those feelings of wanting to be free of abuse and also wanting to give him another chance to change. it amazes me too as he has been physically abusive on the past and is emotionally abusive currently. He is giving you hope that he will change and that is making you still believe in the dream that he will suddenly stop doing the things that hurted you and caused you so much pain which is very unlikely if nearly impossible going to happen as abusers rarely change. He also sees that you are doing well with out him and he doesn’t like not being the centre of your universe and wishes to control you again. this is just my opinion i am not a professional but i have been going threw abuse since i met him at 14 i am 32 this year and i know the cycle. It hasn’t changed for me, always end up sad, broken and feeling crazy. i wish you love and light x
 
S

Simone_B

Getting The Hang Of It
#8
Joined
Apr 14, 2020
Messages
28
#8
Lily20 said:
Hi Simone.
I too have just split up from my ex a week today and I experience those feelings of wanting to be free of abuse and also wanting to give him another chance to change. it amazes me too as he has been physically abusive on the past and is emotionally abusive currently. He is giving you hope that he will change and that is making you still believe in the dream that he will suddenly stop doing the things that hurted you and caused you so much pain which is very unlikely if nearly impossible going to happen as abusers rarely change. He also sees that you are doing well with out him and he doesn’t like not being the centre of your universe and wishes to control you again. this is just my opinion i am not a professional but i have been going threw abuse since i met him at 14 i am 32 this year and i know the cycle. It hasn’t changed for me, always end up sad, broken and feeling crazy. i wish you love and light x
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Thank You So Very Much. We have been Married for thirteen years; the abuse started years ago. He's out of the house, but now he is using Every excuse to come over. He came in the house one time. Now he uses the Excuse to come by and check the mail.... which is Crazy, because when we were living together, he didn't care too much about checking the mail. .............. SMH Over and Over Again. ...... Would you like to chat over the phone?
 
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