M
Grew up with domestic violence, need an understanding outlet
I'm really uncertain if I am in the right place.
I grew up with domestic violence in the 80's, witnessed some horrible things as a small child. I've dealt pretty well with life but I'm currently having therapy and realise I want to share some of my disturbing and traumatic stories with people who can understand, relate, and also understand the things I feel today.
The effects of the violence have waxed and waned- I've done well at burying the memories - and I guess I thought they would just get dimmer and dimmer but they don't and as I confront my parents ageing and the problems in the family I feel terrible guilt, sadness and anger around the situation I was forced into as a small child and the way I have consequentaly struggled as an adult.
Do I just share here? can anyone relate to what I am saying? I woud just love for someone to say, 'I know exactly how you feel' and not 'that must have been really hard for you'. I want to share with people who understand as I never have had that chance before.
Thank you for reading and any for comments.
I'm really uncertain if I am in the right place.
I grew up with domestic violence in the 80's, witnessed some horrible things as a small child. I've dealt pretty well with life but I'm currently having therapy and realise I want to share some of my disturbing and traumatic stories with people who can understand, relate, and also understand the things I feel today.
The effects of the violence have waxed and waned- I've done well at burying the memories - and I guess I thought they would just get dimmer and dimmer but they don't and as I confront my parents ageing and the problems in the family I feel terrible guilt, sadness and anger around the situation I was forced into as a small child and the way I have consequentaly struggled as an adult.
Do I just share here? can anyone relate to what I am saying? I woud just love for someone to say, 'I know exactly how you feel' and not 'that must have been really hard for you'. I want to share with people who understand as I never have had that chance before.
Thank you for reading and any for comments.
Domestic abuse has been a theme in my life since I can remember. While I myself am not a victim, I’ve had the tragic opportunity to watch very closely as two of my very best friends (my sisters) have entered and committed to abusive relationships. I’ve always been very quiet about it; I think I’m over that. I’m tired of the silence that often surrounds abusive situations and how that facilitates it's longevity.
I’ve always felt conflicted about talking about this. On one hand, it’s not really my business/right to disclose such sensitive information about other people’s personal situations. On the other hand, witnessing this has gravely impacted me and I just feel the need to get this off my chest. It’s a weight of someone else’s bad actions that I’m tired of carrying. It’s not my responsibility how these people have chosen to treat my sisters like subhuman trash bags. And I feel it's only doing justice to hold people accountable for their shitty actions.
The first situation of domestic abuse in my life was my older sisters’ relationship. It was a relationship that was established whence I entered the world, and as such, have always felt a limited authority to say anything. This instance is hard because I love both people involved but it’s an undeniable deterioration that has at this point cost them and their children a lot of advantages and dignity. Personally, I feel they would be better off apart than beating each other down on public bike paths, but I've learned these situations operate outside of logic. She says she knows the way he treats her is wrong, and has made breaks before, but ultimately ends up back at his side. Contrary to his inappropriate conduct and physical aggression towards her, there’s such a deep-rooted co-dependency and permanent jealousy between those two, that it’s hard to imagine it ending any other way than fatally. Most of the police that have been involved tell me this. I brace for the day I have to receive this news.
The second situation is a lot more recent and with one of my little sisters. When it started happening, we didn’t meet her abuser right away. My sister moved out to the east coast and was with her a few months before we met her. And before we met her, we gave my sisters new significant other the benefit of the doubt. It was wasn’t until we met this person, and observed her abusive behavior, did we grow an intense distaste for her. My sister is held to rigid schedules and gets lashed out on/called names/accused of cheating if she violates these made-up, borderline unrealistic deadlines. My sister is blamed for everything that goes wrong. My sister is blamed for reaching out to her family about this person’s abusive behavior. My sister is smeared and called a liar. My sister is often the only employed party and gets told to try harder. My sisters "phone time" and who she's allowed to speak to are policed. My sister drinks to deal with this person’s insanity and then gets called a drunk. My sister can’t win, and she says she knows that, but she also says she loves this person. I've done my best to let my sister know that nothing in this is her fault, but my whispers against this persons screams mean nothing.
The types of abuse in each situations is slightly different, but the one thing in common with both is the level of conditioning. I've had sensible conversations with both victims about their partners abusive behaviors. However, there's always a betrayal that involves them continuing on in the relationship. It's confusing and hurts to watch but I understand it's a complicated circumstance. I've told both sisters now they should not feel responsible or ashamed for these persons actions and that I am there for them, no matter what. I want to know if there's anything more I can do.