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Tips for Attention Seekers

Attention can be a hard subject for abuse survivors. It's a basic human need, like food and water, but during abuse attention often resulted in pain. We want to be noticed, but we're scared of getting hurt; we want to rely on others, but we're afraid of rejection; we want to reach out, but we don't know how to do it constructively. Some people seem to get by with very little attention: they view it as a valuable resource, are frugal with it, and spend it wisely, only asking for the exact type of attention that they need. Others can't seem to get enough, asking for any type of attention they can get, which frustrates everyone around them and drowns them in negative backlash, destroying their self-esteem. Getting the right type of attention is a skill like any other, it takes trial and error, and a lot of practice. This page lists a few basic tips on how to make it work.

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Info for Teens

Everybody has the right to happiness. With adults it's their headache to reach it. With minors - it's society's job to provide you with a healthy, safe, supportive environment where you can thrive. Nobody can make you happy but yourself, but adults responsible for you (like your parents, your teachers, your doctors, your local police officers - everyone around you) have the responsibility of providing you with your basic needs, things no one can be happy without. Society cares about you, wants you to reach your full potential and turn out a happy, healthy, smart, responsible, well-adjusted individual. This is why we have laws in place to make sure you get what you need to do that: You have the right to a safe home, adequate clothing, school supplies, food, medical care. When you don't have a winter coat, your home has no electricity, you haven't seen a dentist in years, there's no food in the fridge, or mom and dad yell at each other every night so you can't focus on homework - this is a bad environment to be in because you can't function like this. Nobody can thrive while cold, hungry, or sick. You have the right to education and guidance. If you can't read - you won't get very far in life, you know. If you don't know how to do laundry - it's going to be hard once you move out of your parents' house. If you never learned how to balance a checkbook - things will be rough when you get your own bank account and start paying your own bills. You have the right to learn all...

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Journaling

Many abuse survivors struggle with depression, addictions, unhealthy relationships, even suicide thoughts. One of the reasons it's happening is that abuse robs you of your identity, so once it's over - you feel lost and unsure of who you are anymore, and try to fill your life with unhealthy distractions. Another reason is that abuse causes a lot of conflicting feelings: pain, anger, fear, frustration, love, confusion, self-blame, hope. Talking of these feelings is hard, and even the most supportive friends can't listen 24/7. Journaling resolves both of these problems. It allows you to express your thoughts, feelings, desires, plans, hopes - free of judgment or limitations. To re-discover who you are and what you want to do with your life. This page lists a few of the most common approaches to journaling - pick the one that seems most inviting, or experiment with them all.

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Why Do I Keep Going Back?

It's no secret that many victims of domestic violence go back to their abusive partners, or pick new ones that act just the same. This seemingly bizarre pattern causes much confusion in both the victims and their supporters. You wonder "why do I miss him, why do I want to come back to her, why do i keep falling for the wrong guys, I saw it coming yet still signed up for it, what's wrong with me, does it say 'abuse me' on my forehead," etc. Your friends and family question your sanity, attempt to "rescue" you against your will, or simply assume that you must be getting what you deserve and keep asking for. It's not your fault you're getting abused, but understanding why it's happening could help you prevent it from repeating over and over like a broken record.

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Growing Up In A DV Environment

I grew up in a violent situation, where the adults around me were not only violent with me, but were also violent with each other. Domestic violence was really confusing for me as a kid. Then I had the fortunate opportunity of living in a completely different situation with my adoptive Mom and Dad, and the contrast between the two situations was drastic. I read something a while back that made me think about the situation. I remember really strongly how I felt as a kid when the adults around me fought with each other, argued and were violent with each other, were disrespectful towards one another, and treated each other as less than a person. Their actions had a huge impact on me--I was afraid the majority of the time, I didn't feel safe, cared about, or stable, my world felt like it was always on the brink of crumbling, and I had no way to get myself out of the situation or to improve it, so I felt really trapped. Considering I didn't have anything to compare this environment to, I figured this was just the way it had to be--that adults argued, fought, were violent, etc.--and I often felt as if these things were my fault. Fortunately, once I got out of the abuse situation and my Mom and Dad adopted me, I found out that relationships and conflict within relationships could be drastically different. My Mom and Dad often disagreed with each other, had arguments about a multitude of things, didn't see eye to eye sometimes, but they never treated each other with anything less...

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Tips for Secondary Survivors

Many people experience trauma in their lives: car accident, death of a loved one, 911, hurricane Sandy. These things leave us overwhelmed, scared, confused, in pain. We might struggle trying to understand why did this have to happen. We might constantly relive traumatic memory, or avoid reminders of it. We might be denying the impact it had on us, or be angry and look for someone to blame for our pain. We might start questioning people in general, world, or God. Or we might blame ourselves. Abuse is a type of trauma that is inflicted on one person by another. Maybe I was raped, or beaten up, or yelled at daily and played mind games with, or maybe my parents did things that a parent isn't supposed to do to a child. The effect it had on me might be compared to a natural disaster, except abuse is perpetrated by a specific person (which I might have had a strong emotional bond with), often as a repeating pattern rather than a single occurrence, and usually isn't something I could talk of freely. I'll never be the same after such an experience, but I can repair the damage, re-adjust, grow, and have a happy, healthy, productive life. Takes time though. Often - years. Each survivor faces their own unique issues, but there are some common traits that many survivors share, and many supporters find confusing, frustrating, disturbing, or otherwise difficult to handle. Here's an attempt to explain a few of them. Abuse royally messed up my relationship skills. Part of the abuse...

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Emotional Abuse

All humans need to be treated with dignity and respect, regardless of age. Parents have legal, physical, intellectual, emotional, and financial power over their children in order to care for them, to ensure their safety, welfare, appropriate development, etc. Using this power for any other purpose is wrong, just like it's wrong to mistreat prisoners of war. Children are in an even more vulnerable position because they don't process information the same way adults do; their brains are still developing, so what might be a stupid joke to an adult can cause serious trauma to a child. Young children believe what their parents tell them, and emotional abuse can cause them to draw very inaccurate conclusions about themselves and their place in the world. Older children understand that they're being mistreated, but have no recourse: they can't yell back, cut their parent off, or sue for harassment. They are stuck without options, forced to endure maltreatment. Taking advantage of this vulnerability is abusive. Emotional abuse of children is usually a part of any other type of abuse (e.g. physical, sexual, or neglect), and is mostly treated as an aggravating factor rather than a separate crime. It lacks legal definition, which makes it hard to address when it's the only type of abuse inflicted on a child. It's nearly impossible to prosecute in criminal court, but Child Protective Services work independently of law enforcement, and might remove the child from their parent's custody...