Poetry
by abuse survivors

This is a page of creative writing contributed by Fort Refuge members. Feel free to add yours here.

Tags: relationships (13), ptsd (12), griefsadness (12), hope (11), childabuse (11), nsfw (10), domesticabuse (9), fear (9), depression (7), religion (7), courage (7), anger (7), did (7), peace (6), shameguilt (4), si (3), rape (3), practicallife (1), joy (1), prose (1), therapy (1),



One Day...
by u live u learn

One day I'll find relief,
Some days I'm at peace,
One day I'll be healed,
Some day I'll speak freely,
And one day I'll feel secure.
Ever expanding, ever adventurous, but never done!

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Really real
by actressandwriter

A little bud of consciousness
Born out of pain
Developed and grew
Thoughts and desires
Personality and voice
A soul
I am really real
 
The world does not know
Who really is real
Body may be the same
But I still feel
I am really real
 
I am Claire
18 and free
I love
I laugh
I breath
I move
I am really real
 
It is her body
Her arms
Her legs
My soul
I am really real
 
I took her pain
I took her doubts
I held them all
And protected this body
Why cant I live?
Why cant I love?
I am really real
 
One day I will scream
One day I will shout
One day they will hear
One day every one will Know
I am really real

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Fort Refuge
by Leesh

Click the door and come inside.
From this point on, you don't need to hide.
This is a safe place.
Your lonliness will soon erase.
Here, we know we all have worries
Offering help when emotions flurry.
 
If you're having a bad day,
there's help here. It'll be okay.
You can go on chat or post on a forum.
Just be kind to others - proper decorum.
This is a place where everyone understands.
The difficulties in life we know firsthand.
 
You'll soon become friends with those who listen.
No more will your heart be imprisoned.
It's a nice thing that I am able to say
the people on here truly do make my day.
They are so insightful.
Their hope is delightful.
Administrators offer heartwarming advice.
And everyone is listening even if their response is concise.
 
Fort Refuge is place of hope.
With people who are finding new ways to cope.
We are all warriors Who struggled in battle.
We all have strong minds - Ignoring the prattle.
We all are our own person[s]. We don't have to pretend.
Above all we are survivors - who will fight till the end.

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Guardian of secrets
by Jess22

She heard the footsteps of a broken thought dissipating upon her acknowledgement, desperate to find the source of such a haunting melody inside of her and fueled by an addiction to curiosity; she chased the echoes that which reverberated down an unfamiliar hallway. These surroundings that her weightless feet seemingly propelled her through only tempted her thirst for a long searched truth more with each stride but she must focus on her task at hand. However; with each lunge, this hallway seemed to grow longer with shape shifting walls, doors and now voices to accompany the shattering thought that she had originally pursued. With not a second passing between this realization, the scenery changed into entirely new place; One that was more eerie simply based on the fact that now she had been precariously placed at the bottom of an ascending staircase. Glancing around slightly dazed, disoriented and but with a slight twinge of exhilaration; She gathered that this must be the end, that which she had been so desperately clawing a path towards. Yet as she trembled in recovery before it, a fleeing sensation crept throughout her. “Run, run fast! Do not satiate this hunger inside you!” was projected so forcefully in her mind that she had begun to quake with doubt causing her to begin second guessing this desire, this need. Timidly, she placed a foot onto the beginning step as if it were a first kiss; wanting to proceed but hesitant of it being a mistake she supposed it is as they, curiosity kills the cat. Within in the span of blink, as if by teleportation, the door stood before her leaving even more muddling confusion. Just the mere image of it itself amplified the questioning slowly creeping inside but so far she had come that to turn away now seemed so self-defeating. Standing at least ten foot tall while easily spanning five across, the door was etched, carved, designed in a daunting imagery that would surely make one high tail themselves in any opposing direction so long as it was away from the morbidity radiating from this giant guardian of secrets. Reaching for the handle, determined to overcome this no matter what she felt pulsing in heart, she was again seemingly transported somewhere else. Upon the catchment of her breath, for this was getting exhausting, her eyes began focusing on the sites encompassing every space, every void that left no corner unfilled. This had been what she yearned, pined and sought after for as long as her memory had served; however, now she had to fight back the urge to regurgitate every crystallized emotion that had been dammed up for so long. This truth was so real, vividly playing through every scene, every moment, every second of the life forgotten long ago only to loop itself at each end. It was almost as if these images were beings of their own, standing independently of themselves in imitation of physical objects representing every horror. Off to the side tucked in a corner silently observing stood an ominous man with a crooked smirk. Upon the notice of this figure, he was at her side with no in between of his beginning and her destination. Slipping slightly backwards out of surprise, she stared wide-eyed at this gentlemen who is now easily six foot five. His grimace intensified as he uttered only one question, the ultimate decision upon her actions. “Was this worth it?” Once those words had escaped his lips, the room began to vibrate, quake and fill with a blinding light that radiated and permeated everything contained inside all while coinciding with the girl who had now fallen to her knees with hands clasped over her ears in muffled screaming. This figure, though caught off guard with such intensity at the response, knew this was his answer as well as hers. It had been worthwhile waiting to enter into the guardian of secrets and though painfully excruciating, all of their will powers have now been forged into diamonds with the exception that now it was a single, unified diamond that which the likes of nothing could shatter again. Yes, it had all been worth the journey, the journey into being.

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Want to play a game?
by wcl

Want to play a game?
Ok, when do we start?
We already have.
What are the rules?
Those are mine, at a whim they will change.
How do you win?
You don't.
What is the purpose?
My amusement.
I don't want to play.
Too late.
Enough I am not playing with you.
You have no choice.
I can leave.
No you can't
Watch me.
You are still here.
Stop!
Why?
I don't like this it's pointless.
There is a point to everything.
Then what is the point to this?
To break you.
I am done!
Almost.

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Mount up with eagles wings
by Greytabby

Mount up with eagles wings my friend..
To the sky let you they send..
Mount up with eagles wing my friend..
High above..up in the skies...
 
From way up there the problems show..
Their true strength..and their true size..
Mount up with wings of eagles my friend..
To comfort fly with speed...
 
Remember you are not alone..
Find strength in what God decrees.
For He will keep fast hold of you..
And hear your painful pleas...
 
Mount up with wings like eagles my friend..
And never forget this truth..
That we who love you fly by your side
For loves strength lives in eternal youth..
 
Mount up with wings of eagles my friend..
To the sky let you they send..
Find peace in the love of God..
And in the hearts of your friends...
 
Soar your way to Gods true grace...
And never lose flight again...

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Lost
by songbird

i am lost, walking through the winding roads.
never ending through shadows.
walking alone because they told me to,
walking alone, they cast me off.
if there is a light,
let it shine soon,
i cant see ahead or behind.
no hand to reach to,
no heart to trust.
 
i hide so much in my heart, they taught me to.
they took away my joy in my life.
no star to wish upon,
no light to see the truth.
they turn off the lights,
and see what they wish.
 
and death wishes are carved into my soul, my heart, my body.
chains bound to me,
a hell that they have made.
and i see that my salvation never came.

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Radioactive
by weepingwillow

It's all a lead blanket,
to keep it all inside so I only poison me.
I cannot inconvenience them all--so I
shut down, go comatose.
I can't even feel my own body.
While inside, I'm wild,
radioactive.
All sharp jagged edges and high winds.
Screaming so loud inside my own mind,
That I can't hear you when you speak
to me.
So they all think I'm lazy--sedentary.
I've just learned not to stir up the toxin.
I'm nonfunctional and unreliable--can't move.
For fear I won't stop before--I can't snap back.
Before I destroy all in my path.
Burn the whole damn thing down with me.
Angry I can't stop myself from diving in.
Because I'm so irritated inside;
bleeding life just to look at you.
Because I'm trying not to feel so,
radioactive.
And you know I never forgive myself,
for poisoning you all--again
after the explosion.
Because I'm trying not to be so radioactive.

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Not for me
by weepingwillow

I am being swallowed whole by this.
Feel my world shrinking by the minute.
I look out through the bars behind my eyes,
wondering if anyone can see the cage I'm stuck in?
Fear and uncertainty are wearing me down again.
Rage and despair control me again and I've got
Nowhere to go.
Who cares?
There is no relief for this constant ache.
Overwhelmed by miniscule decisions.
I lean on you crushed to pieces.
All of these years of introspection later--
there isn't any hope and there aren't any dreams.
Still I slog on gritting my teeth every day.
I promised-
and I will.
There is no purpose to my life.
There is no divinity or sacredness.
No difference one day to the next.
My soul tied up in barbed wire I pretend I don't .
So I can present the impossible me to the world.
Whole and complete and at peace with myself.
It's not possible.
It's not for me.

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Stealing time
by weepingwillow

Stealing time
that was never mine.
A little more
each day goes by.
Draw it in
and hold it tight.
Mask the fear
that it's not mine.
Hold them close
don't let them by.
Draw my ties
and pull them tight.
Fourteen years
such a long time.
Fourteen years
that were not mine.
Fourteen years
of stolen time.

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Things that were too hard for me
by Lacedwings

Once upon a time, I was a little girl
I was left alone to deal with things,
Things that were too hard for me.
 
You tore me down, the little girl I was
I know I should have called you dad,
But I never felt that affection.
 
I think of parents as protectors,
But the little girl was tore down,
Forced to make her own protector.
 
She shut down in order to survive,
She had no more tears to spend,
She knew it wouldn't help.
 
I escaped and ran away,
To a world where I was safe,
Where things weren't too hard for me.

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Following faeries
by weepingwillow

"Come follow me, " the faerie said,
"friends, fun, and freedom's ahead."
I went long behind happily,
and then learned how it was to be.
In this trap all easily fell,
our every fear she would quell.
Following this plan of her making was she,
she the Queen and her loyal subjects were we.
Merrily blinded was our happy little band,
not seeing the suffering caused by her hand.
Soon for us no wrong could she do,
the fault found was always with you.
One of us; her prize picked from the bunch,
to be tortured and twisted and devoured for lunch.
The golden little faerie who'd controlled the group some,
in taking complete control, a dragon had become.
With a struggle and a fight her prize was free,
found, cared for, and protected by me.
Another was soon chosen to take his place,
without a glance towards her he raced.
For the dragon by everyone wasn't yet seen,
to some she was as she'd always been.
To those of us with now complete sight,
had fallen the task of this painful fight.
To end the control of this one we'd loved,
our friend first must be forcibly moved.
The guilt slowly welled up for all the rest,
as she'd created this group of friends, this nest.
How could we turn her out now,
when bringing us in she'd helped all somehow?
Our loving friends all with a hand to lend,
must painfully off her evil now fend.
This battle we still fight now,
I can't predict when it will end or how.
But a clear warning I must send to you all.
when beckoned by the faerie, make sure the dragon will fall.


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Glances, questions...
by kailima

Glances,
Questions.
Awkward silence.
Time passes as distance deepens.
 
Words spoken,
Sharp as daggers,
Cleave the air.
Secrets betrayed and trust shattered.
 
Run or stay?
Brick by brick,
Walls grow and envelope
Then they blot out the sky.
 
Winding pathways leading you astray,
Bones unseen beneath.
Trampled and awaiting discovery.
Voices echo as ghosts peer around corners.
 
Miles of confusion
Chaos eclipsing common sense.
Every stone a loss of self.
Beloved friends and family lost in battle.
Until only memories remain.
The lost souls haunting the present.
 
Shadows grow stronger,
As reality fades.
Flights of fancy
Free the enslaved.
Until only the body remains.
 
Shame, regret, anger
Then finally pain
Complete the descent.
A door opens...
A light glimmers.
The flame is extinguished.
 
The door closes as the key turns,
Silence echoes as space shrinks.
One by one they say goodbye,
Silent screams as reality strikes.
 
Darkness unfolding,
Promises of relief.
Caught in the middle,
Torn between light and dark.
Seeking anonymity.
 
A hand beckons,
Fear paralyzing
Voices echoing a warning too late.
A few steps then falling.
The ground gone,
Fog above and black below.
 
Frantically searching for a foothold,
Only finding walls of glass.
Faces peering in.
Air pulling in all directions.
Winds cycling until a tornado of chaos.
 
Dazed and disoriented,
Fact and fiction indistinguishable.
Lines curving until patterns are obscured.
Time spinning faster and faster
Then lost as it is suspended...
 
A hand appears in the fog.
Defying fear and gravity...
You grasp it tightly.
Not knowing where you go or who is leading.
Blindly following.
 
Heart racing, breaths coming short
Knowing this your final chance.
A gamble of good vs. evil.
Life and death.
I close my eyes and leap.

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Unrealistic expectations
by deannagaige

So many contradictions in this world
like two separate sides of the spectrum;
we expect everything to be a certain way
that is our distorted perception.
 
We gather so much information all our lives
and take from it what we want;
then add our own little pieces to it
whether it is true or not.
 
It amazes me how the worlds perception
is almost all black and white;
like if your a good person you have no worries
but they forget good people die.
 
Just like mean people do have friends
and trustworthy people can lie;
and just cause somebody seems real tough
doesn't mean they don't cry.
 
A rainbow seems to stretch forever
but it does have an end;
and just because we make mistakes
don't mean we will do it again.
 
When i was a young girl
i was left all alone;
so i have a problem with unrealistic expectations
now that i am grown.
 
I feel i have always needed someone
to help me through life;
sometimes i feel i cant do it alone
sometimes i feel i wont survive.
 
So i began to try to meet new people
tried to make some friends;
i want one so bad it hurts me
because for me there's only one way to keep them.
 
I buy their food and things when we are out
and i am there when they need me;
but that's where i get taken advantage of
because i allow them to run over me.
 
Maybe i will make a true friend one day
or maybe i never will;
maybe i will realize my self worth more
and give myself time to heal.


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Ambivalent post-break up feelings
by weepingwillow

Thoughts of you ram me from my senses.
Why can't you go?
I grasp at everyone, every moment.
I'm still wishing for a few more.
...i miss you...
I gave you the liberty to go.
I didn't just stand back, I helped you leave.
I made it easy for you to walk your destiny.
I cut my heart out for you, so you wouldn't have to.
Why can't anyone make it easy for me?!
I desperately cling to your faint existance.
I hope it leaves my life.
A new twist on an old theory--
If I can't have you, leave me the fuck alone!
Alone...I am alone, you're not really here.
...i need you...
You wouldn't extend my freedom, yet I gave yours.
And off you went, with part my very essence.
I let it go easily with wishes and love.
With a mind screaming, a soul twisting.
Why do they leave me in this place?!
...don't go...

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Embrace
by weepingwillow

You are holding me and I am still alone.
It's like a magic trick in my head.
Pretty words in safe blue
etch in red in my mind.
I would swear it was possible for my soul to .
The hinges lubricated and things get in and out.
I would swear it was possible to be psychotic--
and rationally know it.
I cannot make sense of my own thoughts.
I do try to behave rationally.
I am so frustrated to find I am failing.
Though still drowning I've floated near enough,
that I can see the surface and
how far down I've been again.
Never broke through though I thought I had.
Tired of struggling so hard just to find
that I'm swimming for the bottom again.
I want to give up and don't know how to do that either.
I will do as I always have-trudge on and survive, exist.
Screaming silently all the way.
Can't you hear me love?
You're so close.

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Healing under a canopy
by LovelyChantel

Stroll through the shaded wood I must;
Liniment for a marred soul.
In love with the seclusion it offers;
I yearn for the peace it brings.
Amble about in nature's song
I stroll along to such sounds:
Singing birds, dinky feet on Forest's floor, water-a-trickling.
Healing from a pain so deep
It threatens to crush my voice.
I rebel, fight back, scream, kick, cry.
I will not allow this.
You cannot have my soul.
My past will not destroy me!
Your 'control' is merely an illusion.
I am no longer a child.
For I see the light.
It's above me,
Filtering through the leaves.
It streaks my face with gold.
I feel its warmth on my skin.
This is the color of confidence.
I give myself the permission.
I can heal.
No one else can have
Me.
I smile.
I laugh.
I cry.
I'm filled with joy.
I am at peace.
Up ahead, I see a bridge.
I will cross it.
I will burn it down.

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Urge is such a small word
by weepingwillow

I'm afraid to show anything. Anything at all.
Afraid I'll be labelled melodramatic, or attention seeking
don't want to send out any false alarms.
Afraid that if I reach out it'll be too much pressure, that I will be too much.
 
And because I've always gotten through it alone before what's so different about this time anyway?
As far as a suicide risk, I'm not really. Well, not likely.
Because if nothing else, I am responsible.
 
The suicide of a parent vs. being raised by a parent with depression
is way more harmful.
Whatever can be done to mitigate her poor luck at having me as a parent.
Cost benefit analysis says no suicide?
 
wow
Anything other than that?
Would love to grab one of those fresh blades and start in on that arm.
That's not really feasible, still short sleeve weather.
 
But the thighs....
like a fresh canvas....
well mostly like a fresh canvas.
More like a paint by number maybe? The path already partially laid out?
 
And I want it so bad I can't breathe.
It's all I can think,
and my mouth goes dry
Wholly and absolutely consumed
 
by the thought of which multiple of ten is going to be my goal,
what pattern am I going to end up having carved into my skin?
Will I get caught?
What if something happens and I'm needed suddenly?
 
How will I clean up fast enough?
How will I explain it?
Not to mention
I know I want to stop having new scars,
 
I know I want to be able to wear a bathing suit and not worry if someone can see the patterns in the scars.
The straight lines and the occasional vestiges of a word that makes it so obvious where those scars came from.
And for some reason, by wearing on my skin my own self hatred and disdain,
I signal to others that it's ok to treat me the same way.
 
What the hell do they care if they hurt my feelings if I'm going to go hurt myself anyway?
And my mouth is still dry.
And I still can't breathe.
And I still want it anyway.

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You think you're weak. I think you're strong
by Guest

You think you're weak. I think you're strong
You wonder how you stuck around this long
Every day seems worse than the day before
Not sure you will be able to take this anymore
you have been together forever; but that's not a reason to stay
It's not your fault he treats you this way
You have a choice to get up and leave
to take a stand for what you believe
To replace those bad memories, with something new
To be with someone who truly loves you
I know it's hard and that you are afraid
Don't focus on the past and the mistakes that you have made
Use your strength and open your eyes
and you will see some light through those stormy skies
For every insult and every bruise, you ever took
For every demeaning and disrespectful look
For every friend he made you lose
and every time he made you choose
For every sleepless night
for every single horrible fight
For every smile he turned into a frown
For every time you cringed when he was around
For all these things, use this as your strength to leave
You are so much better than this, you just have to believe
Know you are beautiful, that you are strong
Know that this is not where you belong
Know that you can have such a beautiful life, and be loved deeply and true
You just have to find the strength I know you have deep inside of you.
And if you feel you can't do this on your own and you need a little help
Know that I was standing right beside you this whole time, and you don't have to do this by yourself.

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Ring around the rosy
by Baaa

Ring around the rosy
A pocket full of secrets
Pains and dreamy times kept safe
All for the time to come
Fear is all around the rosy
Pockets full of fear, fear, fear
All at peace until the time comes
When all will come in pieces
Watching, listening, dreading too
How will it happen?
How will it do?
What will become of me?
What will it do?
Who am I?
Who is who?
Are you, you?
They are...they them, too?
But where will they go?
I want them, still,
For they are for me so
Me so, me so...
So who I am is they also, too
But when the time is here...
Who will take care of us...of us?

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Time moves on like the falling sand
by Alice Wander

Time moves on like the falling sand
And I fall helplessly at their demands
Embracing the curse of gentle sins
I pray they see the suffering within
A smile to give, and a lie to take
All of the words blur into fakes
Shouting and screaming down the halls
Love is silent to bitterness when it calls
And on deaf ears we cannot hear to cope
As on the silence we all choke
A family oh a family
Look at what we are
Please look at our family
And cut open the scar
Tear us to pieces if only for a new start
It is oh so tragic to have a hardened heart
Especially when you want only to love
Only to have it broken by those above
So a family oh a family
We are good as we are
Please see our good family
Through our own prison bars

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A haiku day...one of great sufficiency
by Jane

Dawn
Ears ringing and bursting
with cock crows
 
Noon
Stuffed to the gunnels
with sardines
 
Dusk
Filled to the top
with owl hoots
 
Midnight
Brimful and bursting
with bogeymen

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I sit and wonder
by Tryingtosurvive

I sit and I wonder,
Do you know what it's like?
To stay up afraid,
Scared to sleep at night.
 
It's easy to pretend,
To say I'm okay...
To hide my tears,
They shed every day.
 
To give everyone advice,
Myself I can not follow.
Instead I sit and I cry,
I weep and I wallow.
 
Just seeing your name,
I'm right back there.
This pain I feel,
The ultimate despair.
 
The feeling of choking,
You're not even there.
But you squeeze every last breath,
Cut off my air.
 
You're always beside me,
But not as a friend.
As a demon, a monster,
There 'til the end.
 
I'll never get away,
Escape your hold on me.
I beg, I pray...
please, please set me free


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I have a voice
by Anonymous

Guilt
Incomprehensible as to why I should feel guilt.
He was the adult.
He was my dad.
But still.
Guilt
 
Shame
I must have done something wrong.
I was only 5.
I was a child.
But still.
Shame
 
Mistrust
How can your parent be so sick?
"it's so long ago"
"it's not that bad"
Mistrust
 
Silence
How can I speak when I feel to blame?
I guess I'm a freak
As it makes no sense.
Silence
 
Hope
I'm not a child anymore.
I have a voice.
I have a choice.
Hope!

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The way your name floats off everyone's tongue...
by butterfly101

The way your name floats off everyone's tongue
Almost the same way your you refused to float off me
But their words are innocent; as everyone claims you are
But that doesn't change the internal bruising you left throughout my entire body
Or the way I flinch every time someone moves too quickly in my direction
But some day, someone will come along, and even if I don’t heal completely
It won't affect my everyday actions anymore
For this person will make me so happy,
I will forget all about your body pressed against my 9 year old self,
not forever, just long enough to get through it

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This Too Shall Pass...
by L. Lee Ramey (januaryhorse)

This too shall pass
Constantly haunted by my dark past
Feeling happy just won't last
When will I truly be free?
Or is this something I will not see
  Anniversary dates that kill me inside
Dates that make me want to go hide
Telling myself I will be all right
While crying myself to sleep at night
Feeling any minute I'll break like glass
But hopefully in time this too shall pass

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La Mariposa
by Freshair

She peeps from the safety of her shell
At the fluorescent colours of life,
It's only been months she's been freed from hell
She is still so full of strife
 
Some days she manages to crawl outside
To get a better world view
So much has been transformed deep within
So much has been made new
 
When it doesn't hurt
She unwinds her wings
She looks at their beauty and cries
She was fine before, living without wings
Yet gratitude fills her eyes
 
That despite her transformation
The god- awful change
Despite the hell on her soul
Every once in a while from her shell she sees
How she fits seamlessly
In the magnificence of the whole.

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I am what you are...
by Anonymous

I am what you are,
moving so very far,
to a piece of land
where a band plays guitar,
guitarist who sail away
to be here today.

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Neither here nor there
by eagle22

My feelings were neither here or there to any that cared to see
To take the time to view a child, of two, or three, of five,
Who hid from view, to survive, the unsaid words
That her feelings were neither here or there.
 
My body was neither here or there, but lost for me.
A child unsure already of existence,of being alive.
Someone who bled without knowing, who hurt without
someone seeing she was real.
 
I'm neither here or there, neither I nor Me
A person cut adrift from normal living
By the mind that chose to shatter and split
Rather than bend its knee to those who took her being.

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A circle of friends
by StormyDaze

There is a wonderful thing in this world,
A circle of friendships that never end.
Where you can be yourself without care,
Talk about anything that you can share.
 
I have found this circle on the web,
Where there is understanding and truth.
I am not alone in my suffering; the past,
I have company that keeps me feeling sane at last.
 
So for now I have friends I haven't met,
Not in person, just through their caring words.
With support from each other and a caring ear,
We stand up to fight the nightmares and fear.
 
Sharing and soul searching together,
We learn to heal and stand tall. 
United we stand, separate we fall,
The circle is here to catch us all.
Always.

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When They Took Us Away
by JanuaryHorse

We felt trapped with no way out,
We didn't know what this was all about,
It happened over and over again,
All we knew was the unstoppable pain,
 
We waited and waited but no one came,
We thought we were all to blame,
No one knew what went on in our house,
Not the things that were done by the Uncle, the dad and his spouse.
 
Until the day they took us away,
In their car with the red and blue lights,
They took us away and ended all the cursing and fights.
We were still scared, not knowing that we had found our way out,
But with a new mom to love and care for us,
We would find out how lucky we were when they took us away.

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Shards of Glass
by Anonymous

So poised, you wear
A perfect smile.
Great pretender.
At least for now.
 
You're safe
When no emotions show
For who can judge
If no one knows?
 
But hidden there,
Beneath your poise
Lies all the hurt.
A deafening noise
 
That yells and screams.
It's cold as ice.
But, it's your strength;
Your sacrifice.
 
I've heard you say
No one can see
What lies inside,
What's underneath
 
All the pretense.
The perfect smile.
But I can see.
I've walked that mile.
 
Your faith and trust
Like barren lands,
Or shards of glass
Within your hands.
 
What's lost is lost,
Yet life goes on
As we pretend
There's nothing wrong.

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Tears for Rachel
by Lucea

she was such a solemn little girl..
she has learned what it is to smile
she has seen a butterfly and wondered at its beauty
she has never known laughter
joy is something that only comes through the extras
she knows they have it
she can sense it in them
she has never know it
she has known Him
He gave her refuge
she hides in the dark
the only face we can see is Lucy
we have drawn her face here because
she looks so much like Rachel
Lucy is five
Rachel is two
she is the little one
the original
the one who made us
the one we cry for.

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Arms And Fists Are Flying
by u live u learn

Arms and fists are flying
Blood splattered on the walls
There's always someone crying
For no reason at all.
I ain't going back there no I ain't going back there at all.
 
I'm walking alone in the night
Nobody else in sight
The street lights are leading my way to a new life.
 
I ain't going back there
My suitcase in my hand
My hat up on my head
If I go back there I'd be as well dead
I ain't going back there.
 
Arms and fists are flying
Blood splattered on the walls
There's always someone crying
For no reason at all
I ain't going back there no I ain't going back there at all.

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The Elusive Dove
by Me1issa

I once did crave your affection and love
I'd search the house all about
Endurance wrought pride, as I slowly died
It was elusive: an invisible dove.
 
I once did crave you warmth and compassion
I'd search the house all about
Endurance wrought pride, as I slowly died
Was broken, alone, yet stout.
 
I once did crave your assurance and comfort
I'd search the house all about
Endurance wrought pride, as I slowly died
My heart did fray with doubt.
 
Yes, I once did crave your affection and love
Though I searched the house all about
Inside I cried, as I slowly died
Never found that elusive old dove.

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Learning
by Shining Eyes

I twist under your arms feeling your pressure hold me down.
 
You might think
that it would remind me
of bad times
 
of someone else
who held me down
who told me everything was going to be okay.
 
But he was silencing me
finding ways to make sure
his little secret
didn't get out of his control.
 
When you drag your nails
across my back
I shudder, and a gasp escapes my lips
 
I open my eyes enough to see you smile.
Your smile is so different than his
the gentleness of it
astonishes and protects me.
 
You notice me looking
And lean in to whisper in my ear
Mine.
I feel myself smile, as my mouth forms the word
Yours.
 
There was another man
who said that to me, once.
But he didn't care
whether or not I accepted it
Because his word was law.
 
You ask me
if I want to be tied to something
if I wouldn't be a little more comfortable
with my wrists bound behind my back
 
I nod
I would be more comfortable
knowing I couldn't hurt you
even if I tried.
 
You notice
that I don't speak
Even my screams
are silent.
 
Later,
when you are holding me
and I am unbound
as you spin your hand through my hair
you ask why.
 
In another time
and another world
a man holds a knife to my neck
and tells me to be quiet.
 
I learn fast.

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Power
by Shining Eyes

Power
is a complicated thing
 
Once upon a time
I had all the power in the world
and couldn't do anything with it
 
Now, I am powerless
As I lay here
with my body ravaged.
 
But in the ravaging,
I again had power
infinite power
 
To say no
to stop
to let my thoughts disappear.
 
I handed you my power
and let you do what you would with it
Knowing the whole time
that it was my power
not yours.
 
I handed you everything
and
despite the break-up songs
You treated me with love
 
When I clutched on you
hard
you asked if I was okay
 
My silent calls
fall on your ears
and you listen.
 
So next time
I will give you power again
and I will trust you
to use it well
 
Touch
When you touch me
Lime green shoots through me
and I stir and cry out
in love and joy
 
Your lips
are the deep blue of the ocean floor
they rock me gently
back and forth
until I let myself drift away on the waves
 
His lips
are an ugly blood-red
they hurt my eyes
and leave their traces
everywhere they touch
 
Your hand in my hair
emanates green
a soft and gentle green
no matter how hard you pull
 
He touches my arm
and yellow ricochets through my heart
sickening and pale
too bright
and unfocused
 
You hold me down gently
and the cuffs ring purple in my ears
speaking to me
of safety
 
His rough hold is
sharp gray
done with force
and steel
 
You wound me
but the wounds pour out warm white
and I bathe
in the sunlight of my pain
When he does hurt me -
which is not often -
it is sickly brown
oozing and rotting
 
You
touching me
holding me
loving me
 
You fill me
with the colors of the forest
and the ocean
the sunrise
 
Him
touching me
holding me
wanting me
 
He fills me
with the colors of my insides
and infected wounds
the nightmares
 
Some of your shades are the same,
it's true
but how can you compare
the red of blood
with the red in the sunset?

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Whispers from the trees
by isurviv0r

Softly teasing, you mock my still and frozen corpse,
The leaves have fallen, the ghosts all lay bare.
Ice tears, dead now, rolling off my empty face,
Dead but moving, they poison my hair.
 
My screams hang silent, lost without a role to play,
My naked body, exposed to all the world.
Once a candle, beauty of the warmest kind,
Now just empty, an ugly melted girl.
 
Your eyes just mock me, you love me frozen at your feet,
Out your knife comes, ready to destroy.
Slow, you cut me, I feel no pain for I am dead,
A broken body, a perfect sacred toy.
 
Blood, it weeps now, deeply red and staining me,
Crying softly, across my snowy skin.
Creeping slowly, a web of blood across my chest,
A bitter beauty, the threads of all my sin.
 
The startling elegance, blood on snow and snow on coal,
You cut me open, and kiss my blood-stained lips.
Deep, you search me, the snow growing redder still,
Deep, you hold me; my soul burnt by your tips.
 
You will not find it; my heart is broke beyond repair,
You may find pieces, alone and gnarled by grief.
But still you search me, my silent body dead to you,
No more snow now; innocence was brief.
 
“Daddy, stop it,” the whispers breathe through the trees,
“Mummy, help me,” the pleads are tears of dew.
“Grandma, I’m sorry,” the water trickles with my shame,
“Grandad, I love you,” the ammo you will chew.
 
Done, you leave me, an empty bloodied frozen corpse,
Dead, I’m alone now, my heart a ruptured core.
If I may live again, I know I will not be the same,
The girl you tortured; a girl to you no more.

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Walk A Mile
by DarkRiver1988

Have you ever wondered what it is like to be me?
A child trapped in a world of pain
Walk a mile in my shoes
 
Do they burn?
like the hatred I feel deep in my heart.
Do they make you cry?
Like the pain in my head.
 
The noise
The crying.
My road is a cold one.
A dark one.
I keep awake at night for the darkness even though all around me is worse when I sleep.
I see swirly vortexes in the dark, the ones I pray will swallow me whole.
Separate me from the system.
The collective mass!
 
Though you wonder what my life is like,
Those shoes fit only me.
The lonely child with seven shadows.
The one who is tortured to the very heart of me.
Only I can walk a mile!
 
Only I can see through these ever changing eyes,
The face that looks like a child, a teen, a man and a women sometimes at the same time.
The body where the heart was broken at birth.
But for man it wasn't enough.
The man with dirt in soul had to break my mind.
 
But I tricked him,
He did not know that I had a gift.
So I could be protected and safe.
Others took my place
Others walked in my shoes
They still do but they never fit
 
For only I can walk a mile in my shoes
By Rostaria

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Brick by brick
by dilly

Brick by brick i build the walls
layer by layer I seal myself in
shutting out pain, and fear and doubt,
hiding safely, deep within.
 
Brick by brick I build the walls
layer by layer I seal myself in
a castle a fortress without
a tiny prison cell within.

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The I is almost lost
by kailima

The I is almost lost,
The you's have final say.
She and they are here to stay,
The I is in a lock and chains.
The we control the day,
but the I runs away at night to play.
And flees to the shadows to escape exposure.
The others are getting stronger,
The I is fading.
Can the me be found someday?

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Drowning
by songbird

feeling death kiss me...
take my breath far away.
the cold blades through me.
 
my blood. my soul. my tears.
 
drowning in death.
bound in chains.
darkness comes closer.
 
and no more light i see.
 
I am your shame.
I am locked away.
never to be free.

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Acrostic
by ~Lilith~

Helpless children cry out in silent fear
Excess confusion numbing their bones; “shhhhh. don’t tell mommy”
 
Random acts of senseless violation no longer belong on TV
A’s on papers cause misleading guesses about life at home
Please, grandpa, don’t do it again
Every tear a lost battle. we’re I’m you’re not supposed to cry
Deserved pain throbbing from the source of misery
 
Messy cleanup behind locked doors
Eggy white leaking from a strange hole
 
When morning comes, say nothing
Have to smile. act normal
A loud noise makes… you… jump
Tell grandpa we say hello
 
Don’t cry
It’s all over now
Don’t cry
 
I lied
 
Don’t cry
Or he’ll kill the sister
 
To him, you are nothing
Objects have no emotions
 
Daddy dearest, I love you
Except, please stop inviting him over
Stop letting him come to my room
End the pain, please daddy
Rape is a dirty word
Very dirty
End my pain
 
Ten years since it started
Her cries were silenced long ago
I suffer in her place
So, tell me, what did I do wrong?

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Air
by EndlessAutumn

We're helpless in this nefarious world.
My thoughts remain dark as the night unfurls.
 
Our emotions constantly belittled,
Blood pours as a stone heart is whittled.
 
An endless train of immense despair,
I gasp in the darkness, desperate for air.

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Burn
by EndlessAutumn

Nothing I’ve burned for is more tormenting.
For my sins,
There is no repenting.
The scars will not heal,
The haze in my lungs will not leave.
I told myself it wasn't real,
But I just can't believe.
The fire in my veins
That burns in hate for them
Has the heat of a thousand suns,
And now I drown in the inferno
That is the memories of what they have done.

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Breakdown, Reveal
by EndlessAutumn

Break me, expose me,
Peel back my skin.
Make me, show me,
The glass that's within.
 
Use me, bruise me,
Tell me how it hurts.
I need the truth, I need that pain,
Because I hurt you first.
 
A sneer, a nod, a promenade -
Their hate is their only defense.
My fear, my tears, I'm losing it now -
They were my only pretense.
 
They were shards, memories,
Of what I had become.
Wounds, scars,
Wrongs that could not be undone.
 
They sewed, they morphed,
And still they formed a mask.
It sat upon my face,
And concealed every crack.
 
But now the mask is gone,
Your hands, so gentle, quiver.
The glass hiding underneath
Still has tarnishes in the silver.

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Daddy's Visits
by Nighter

I swim up from the inside darkness into a new darkness
I lay in the bed at night
The children’s hanging mobile above my head
It is spinning, but no one is here
I know why it moves on its own
It’s happened again
 
I don’t like seeing that mobile move on its own
I don’t like hearing it jingle when someone touches it
It means bad things
 
I feel the strangling crawling up inside me
But I don’t cry
I sit up and watch it spin slowly
Can’t sleep until it stops
Won’t be safe until it stops
Please, make it stop
 
If the mobile stops moving, then it means that Daddy never visited me tonight
 
I look to get away from it
Door is closed
I know why it is closed
It’s happened again
 
I don’t like the door to be closed
I don’t like hearing the lock snap when someone shuts it
It means bad things
 
I feel that sinking inside my tummy again
But I don’t cry
I want to open the door
But I know I can’t reach the handle
I could never reach it before
So I won’t try now
 
It’s my fault that I can’t open the door, if I could open it I could get away from the spinning mobile and then it means that Daddy never visited me tonight
 
I peek between the blinds
They are shut
I know why they are closed
It’s happened again
 
I don’t like it when the blinds are shut
I don’t like the clacking they make when someone pulls the string
It means bad things
 
I feel that soreness in my head again
But I don’t cry
I look between the blinds
A car goes past
I hope they see me
But they never do
 
If they see me, then maybe they can open the door and maybe I can go outside instead of hugging daddy and saying good morning to him after mummy opens the door.
 
It’s never a good morning.
Not after daddy visits.

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Web of Lies
by Nighter

A spider sits in her web of lies
As her guilty conscience weighs it down like decaying bodies
Forcing her to bind her victims tight with feigned companionship
So that her flies struggle against the threads constricting them
But cannot escape from the razor-blade string
Before she descends upon them with fangs of betrayal
 
This spider poisons those flies caught in her web
With toxic contempt and rejection
So she can feast on their dying hopes and dreams
While they writhe in confusion and shock and sorrow
Until she severs their sanity from them
And leaves them to hang from her web of lies

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The One
by Nighter

I am
Numbness personified
Helpless like a babe
Falling down fast,
Into the dark depths of our past
 
I am
Struggling for air
Screaming for mercy
Here to suffer
Through these tortures of another
 
Soon will I find surcease from pain?
And something more than hate and shame?
Can I be worth a glance or a word?
Will I ever be heard?
 
I contemplate
The knife's edge
Glinting in darkness
As the line is cut,
Deep beneath white skin
 
I feel
Empty calmness
Devoid of everything
Eyes rolling back,
To meet the new agony of sleep
 
Can sleep ever bring relief?
Will nightmares ever seem less real and true?
How can I close these eyes without fear?
When will I ever wake up?
 
I know
Resistance is pointless
Love is a lie
So you should allow me,
To finally die
 
I want
Nothing
No more
An ending,
To this waste of a life
 
But you will never listen
I remain unheard
As my tears glisten
Under the weight of it all
 
Because I am the one to be, to feel, to contemplate and know these things,
the one who no one wants to remember
the one who remains unseen
unheard
unworthy

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Bruises take days to heal...
by Nighter

Bruises take days to heal
Bones take months to set
Scars fade when given years
But how long does it take a broken mind to mend?

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Conflicted
by bellabell

I know my poems are dark
Inside the words flow
If I don't let them out i will turn black
I gave into darkness for one year
I just reached for change
Darkness wants me back
I was a valuable citizen
God cradles me in his arms
God is telling me to stay there in the crock of his arms
I have not cut
I have not purged
Physically strong
Mentally I go up and down
Most who read this poem
read the dark words i thought
will do just that read and move on
u will leave no comment
will not say you connect with my conflicted soul
You u will mask your battle far within

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Different beauty
by bellabell

No two snowflakes the same
No two flowers 100% alike
No two people with same humble beginnings even close to the same
But what if I see strongness in the flower that shares my pot
what if the snowflake that falls around me stays in the air longer
It is not jealousy but an admiration of the beauty of others
I look at her and see a heart on her sleeve but it still remains in one
I see him find the courage to ask her to share the days
I see white lights instead of the burning pits of hell

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I was in her womb...
by bellabell

I was in her womb
I was laid in her arms
I was fed from her breast
I was becoming too large to hold in her arms
I was growing up
I was a sinner at heart
I was changed into God's child
I was straying from him
I was changing to fast in front of her
I was flat chested
I was hipless
I was cutting on those hips
I was friends with a boy
I was crushing on him forever
I was asked to be his girlfriend
I was replacing cutting for bible readings
It was one month together with him
It was turning to two months
What else will I say I was?

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Evan's hands
by bellabell

So warm to my always cold hands
So soft
So innocent
Hold my hand always babes
Jacob hands to my vampire hands
Take my hand in the hallway once please
Feel my pulse speed up
Just take one hand forever

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La via
by bellabell

Stuck on a track
A via that is not my friend
"Change, change," bystanders yell as i go toward the fading light.
The end seems so far but so did the past days ago
"Conductor, conductor, i want off the next stop", i yell but no sound
will come out.
How can my mouth be silent when i hear the screams of noise in my head
so clearly?
I watch and see the people give me best of luck smile as i go in to
the black, utter darkness,
And finally all i have to rely on is me, or so i think.
With no sight, not a sound coming from me,
I hear something,
I see something too.
A beam which lit a narrow path
A path back to brightening light
And utter looks of shock from the same bystanders.

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Draw a picture in your mind...
by bellabell

Draw a picture in your mind
with the moments you remember best
The scent of my skin
I think it's a mix of vanilla and baby powder deodorant
Bar soap and mint breath in the morning
Remember our first real hug
the warmth of your body heat
The tightness of your hug
the moments you take my hand
The coldness of my hands go up ten degrees
Some laugh at the fact we have not kissed
it will be so special when we do
I have dreamed about it once
just know now
I have happiness in my heart
and hope you do too

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Black roses II - vivir o morir
by bellabell

Death came back in a few days as promised,
But his visit felt different this time
As he walked into the room I felt the light darken,
The mood dampen
I froze in place with confusion on my face.
Why did this visit seem so gloomy?
Maybe because i no longer related to the black roses as I thought I did.
I saw too many white roses to be glum.
I knew pink roses awaited me someday.
When de-thorned and defenseless, I felt stronger.
Death sensed this and walked out of the room,
but he will be waiting for the day the darkness comes and sweeps me away once more.
So yes there is a black rose,
And some will choose it,
But I won't

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Black roses III - one black rose left behind
by bellabell

Deepened in thought of my victory to death
The world was pure with gold colored roads
With my heart still very much open lay on my sleeve
I opened the door to find one long stem black rose
A note was wrote on an aged paper
Burned around the edges
The writing looped gracefully
For ages of a life caught between worlds
Death had perfected my skills
The note only said every rose dies
While my roses are white now
Death would take life even from them
I look at the dark petals
An urge of the past pings in my heart
I put the rose in a hiding
I don't yet have all hope to just let it go

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Your demon dictator
by bellabell

It is deep within your mind,
Go head but on a mask,
It is what your demon wants,
I don't know your monsters name,
And I may never know,
It has slowly been sucking life out of you,
It controls your actions,
It is your fear,
Your dictator in your heart,
Killing the dreams of someday,
Fight you war,
And lose a life trying,
Don't let it just take you.

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My mask
by bellabell

The mask does her job
I am not as strong as my exterior says
I want to purge up every ounce of food when i see the number go up
I want to cut on my hips so deep it bleeds for hours
I want to cry when I sit with friends and they look at me like a fool
I want to not eat just to show my body I have will power
I want to close my heart to god so darkness can give it false comfort
I want to scream f*** you to those who pity me
I want to relate to you
I want to save my sister of my heart from her pain
she talked of her pain and i saw me
Sure i am happy, have friends, boyfriend, family, god
But darkness and hope battles daily
I have to keep motivated

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Roses of My Life
by bellabell

Black roses call me back to the grave reserved
Pink roses have come in dozens by the day
White roses hold me close
Death tiptoes in my mind looking for door in to the present
Black roses from my past scars healing now
Pink roses have my heart representing new love
White roses offer me light i take the renewed hope

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Yay i'm one of his ex’s/tyrants/hard-hearted @#@%
by Jane

I fell in love
 
I fell in love
He could have been a slug
 
He could have been a slug
Wouldn't have mattered. I was besotted
 
Wouldn't have mattered. I was besotted
Saw what I wanted...what he wanted me too
 
Saw what I wanted...what he wanted me too
I sure was in love – witlessly, ravingly so
 
I sure was in love – witlessly, ravingly so
3 previous failed marriages – no contact with his kids?
 
3 previous failed marriages – no contact with his kids?
His ex's were "tyrants…hard-hearted @#@%$'s"
 
His ex's were "tyrants…hard-hearted @#@%$'s"
Poor, guy, poor guy, poor guy
 
Poor, guy, poor guy, poor guy
"Sorry hon didn't mean to hit you". Box of chocs and a dozen red roses
 
"Sorry hon didn't mean to hit you". Box of chocs and a dozen red roses
"I can't live without you"
 
"I can't live without you"
"You made me do it…you loud-mouthed hussy"
 
I fell out of love
 
I fell out of love
He was a slug
 
He was a slug
It mattered – I saw what he was
 
It mattered – I saw what he was
Saw the facts – saw what was real
 
Saw the facts – saw what was real
I was no longer in love – not even slightly
 
I was no longer in love – not even slightly
4 not 3 previous failed marriages – definitely no contact with my kid
 
4 not 3 previous failed marriages – definitely no contact with my kid
I'm one of his ex's/tyrant/hard-hearted @#@%$'s
 
I'm one of his ex's/tyrant/hard-hearted @#@%$'s
Pathetic guy, pathetic poor guy, pathetic guy
 
Pathetic guy, pathetic poor guy, pathetic guy
Sorry hon you can stuff your box of chocs and a dozen red roses where the...etc, etc
 
Sorry hon you can stuff your box of chocs and a dozen red roses where the.. etc, etc
I can live just fine without you
 
I can live just fine without you
No one but me made me do it
 
No one but me made me do it
 
Tootle pip.
From this proudly loud-mouthed hussy

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Turning a blind eye
by Jane

In the beginning
Blindly in their thrall
Heart alive and spinning
It was phenomenal
 
In the beginning
Wanting it to work
Wits in glad up-swing
Senses hyped…berserk
 
In the beginning
Not wanting to see
Things…acts unsettling
Let it be… it be
 
In the beginning
My hopes riding high
My heart so trusting
Turning a blind eye.

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Dear Father
by Jane

Do you recall the assault
Dear father?
Do you recall the assault?
The thumping and the hurling
 
And the sound of my heart churning
Breaking, bursting, furling
Your fault, your fault, your fault
Do you recall the assault?
 
Do you relive the rape
Dear father?
Do you relive the rape?
The ripping and the bleeding
 
The terror and my pleading
Pleading, pleading, pleading
No escape, no escape no escape
Do you relive the rape?
 
Do you regret your crimes
Dear father?
Do you regret your crimes?
Your sinful acts against another
 
And being a weak, cruel father
A perpetrator of lasting trauma.
Harmer harmer, harming
Do you regret your crimes?

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Fall haiku
by weepingwillow

Small leaves now fall down
land amongst their family
one even in death

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Winter haiku
by weepingwillow

Snow's drifting downward
cov'ring even the windows
with shaped, twinkling flakes

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Spring haiku
by weepingwillow

Trying to avoid
standing in the mud puddle
the campus became

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I would rather be ignorant than knowledgeable of evils.
~ Aeschylus