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Abuse Survivors Library
Child Abuse | Domestic Abuse | Rape and Sexual Assault | Religious and Ritual Abuse | Emotional Health | Activities of Daily Living | Relationships | Awareness | Therapy | PTSD and Anxiety | Self Inflictions | DID/MPD |

Did I Consent?
There's a wide spectrum of coercion between enthusiastic consent and brutal force, and many people are unsure where's the line between an unfortunate misunderstanding and a violent felony. Some internalize the blame and hold themselves responsible even for things that were entirely out of their hands. Others prefer to blame someone else, even for things that were within their control. Unwanted sexual intercourse can be traumatic no matter if you were forced or reluctantly agreed. It can leave long-lasting impact: anxiety, depression, loss of trust towards people, problems with sexuality, etc. If you experienced unwanted sex and struggle with these (or any other) issues, you deserve support and sympathy, regardless of how the incident might be classified legally. However, legal status of things does matter if you're planning to accuse the other person of rape. This page does not constitute legal advice because laws vary slightly depending on your location, but might give a general idea about what consent is and isn't, by illustrating the concept with real life examples. All names and identifying details have been changed for privacy reasons.

Tips for Secondary Survivors
Many people experience trauma in their lives: car accident, death of a loved one, 911, hurricane Sandy. These things leave us overwhelmed, scared, confused, in pain. We might struggle trying to understand why did this have to happen. We might constantly relive traumatic memory, or avoid reminders of it. We might be denying the impact it had on us, or be angry and look for someone to blame for our pain. We might start questioning people in general, world, or God. Or we might blame ourselves. Abuse is a type of trauma that is inflicted on one person by another. Maybe I was raped, or beaten up, or yelled at daily and played mind games with, or maybe my parents did things that a parent isn't supposed to do to a child. The effect it had on me might be compared to a natural disaster, except abuse is perpetrated by a specific person (which I might have had a strong emotional bond with), often as a repeating pattern rather than a single occurrence, and usually isn't something I could talk of freely. I'll never be the same after such an experience, but I can repair the damage, re-adjust, grow, and have a happy, healthy, productive life. Takes time though. Often - years. Each survivor faces their own unique issues, but there are some common traits that many survivors share, and many supporters find confusing, frustrating, disturbing, or otherwise difficult to handle. Here's an attempt to explain a few of them. Abuse royally messed up my relationship skills. Part of the abuse...

Stages Of Healing From Abuse
While every survivor's path is unique, there are some common stages we all go through. It is rarely a straight sequence, as we tend to move on from stage to stage too fast, which results in jumping back and forth - from anger to acceptance only to discover that we missed grief, or to realize we have more anger than we used to think and we need to revisit the anger stage, or to walk through a few of these stages again, regarding another instance of abuse that we didn't think much of at first. This page is by no means a recipe to healing, it's simply sharing our experience. Walking this path can at times feel like it's hopeless, getting worse, or going in circles. Sometimes it truly is. This is why a roadmap might be helpful.

Why Do I Keep Going Back?
It's no secret that many victims of domestic violence go back to their abusive partners, or pick new ones that act just the same. This seemingly bizarre pattern causes much confusion in both the victims and their supporters. You wonder "why do I miss him, why do I want to come back to her, why do i keep falling for the wrong guys, I saw it coming yet still signed up for it, what's wrong with me, does it say 'abuse me' on my forehead," etc. Your friends and family question your sanity, attempt to "rescue" you against your will, or simply assume that you must be getting what you deserve and keep asking for. It's not your fault you're getting abused, but understanding why it's happening could help you prevent it from repeating over and over like a broken record.

False Rape Accusations
This is Luke Harwood from Essex, UK. When he was sixteen, a girl filed a rape complaint with the police against him. The police officers believed her story, but felt that Luke was innocent because the incident she described didn't constitute rape; she was misunderstanding what rape is. They explained it to her, and she withdrew her complaint. However, two years later she told a friend that Luke was a rapist, but that the police wouldn't press charges against him. She probably thought she was just telling her story, reaching out for support. Her friend, however, felt that justice needed to be served, tracked Luke down with two of her friends, and brutally murdered him. All three were sentenced to life in prison on multiple charges, including perverting the course of justice. Luke was eighteen years old. He had a son, Archie, and was expecting a daughter, Lilly-Rose. He was killed because of a false rape accusation. The prevalence of false rape accusations is a controversial topic; everyone seems to agree on the numbers, but interprets them differently. Here are the numbers (sources are listed on the bottom of this page): 2% of rape accusations were proven true, i.e. the accused was convicted of rape. 2% were proven false, i.e. the accuser committed perjury. 63% were never investigated because the alleged victim never filed a police report. 33% were a combination of unfounded claims (i.e. the incident described by the alleged victim does not constitute rape) and...

What to tell your therapist first time you meet them
The thought of seeing a therapist for the first time can be anxiety provoking, even if you saw other therapists before. For many people a big part of this anxiety is wondering what to tell this new therapist during the first session. While obviously this depends on what do you want from them, there are a couple of ideas below - not to use as directions, but simply as an invitation for creativity. Maybe reading what other people discuss with their therapists on first session would help you clarify what is it that YOU want (or don't want) to talk with your new therapist about.

Grounding Techniques
Emotions are a good thing to have: they let us know what feels good (so we know to keep it), and what feels bad (so we know to change it). Without emotions we would be clueless as to where do we want to go with life. That’s how it’s supposed to work anyway. Unfortunately, trauma can shake us up pretty badly, and some things might not fall back into place right away. We end up having emotions that aren’t guiding us towards a better life, but that keep us stuck in pain and misery instead. Moreover, these emotions often flood us at the wrong time: when we are at work, driving, grocery shopping, babysitting, or trying to have a calm evening with a partner. Suddenly, completely out of the blue, anxiety hits us below the belt, or we start replaying old trauma in our head as if it were happening all over again, or we get furious at our perp, or deeply sad about our ruined childhood, or get an irresistible craving to get wasted/high, or an urge to self-injure. Aside from bad timing – these feelings can get quite overwhelming, and thus hard to manage. While technically valid and understandable, they aren’t helping us in the here and now. There’s no reason for us to be relieving that traumatic experience while we are driving to work. If we need to do it – we’ll pick a better timing and surrounding for it, such as our therapist’s office for example. And meanwhile we can’t allow all those old feelings to overwhelm us at random, so we need to distract our mind from...
Latest articles:

Procrastination is the habit of putting off, delaying, avoiding things that need to be done. It's a form of self-sabotage that carries heavy consequences - but many abuse survivors engage in it because of how the past trauma affects us. Read about ten ways to overcome this problem and reach your goals. (Published on Mon, 17 Feb 2020)

Hundreds of inspirational quotes about abuse, recovery, and mental health, organized by topic. Fort Refuge members can add quotes and bookmark their favorites, to use as a grounding tool. (Published on Fri, 07 Jun 2019)

Journaling allows you re-discover who you are and what you want to do with your life, now that abuse is over, and to express your thoughts, feelings, desires, plans, hopes - free of judgment or limitations. (Published on Mon, 19 Mar 2018)

Religious violence is dangerous because its perpetrators genuinely believe they are doing the right thing, and therefore are not afraid of legal repercussions and won't take pity on their victim. It's also terribly confusing, because it's often perpetrated by your family, the people who are supposed to love and protect you. Like any other form of abuse, religious violence is not limited to any specific religion or culture, so it's important to be aware of the danger no matter who you are or where you live. (Published on Fri, 09 Mar 2018)

Physical exercise is a great way to distract when trauma work becomes too overwhelming. This page has exercise istructions videos for people of any age and fitness level, not requiring any special equipment. (Published on Fri, 23 Feb 2018)
Articles About Abuse:

Articles about abuse inflicted on a child (someone under 18yo) by an adult. It can be physical, sexual, emotional/verbal, or neglect.

Articles about abuse inflicted on one adult by another, while both share the same household. For example, physical abuse by an intimate partner, or abuse of elderly parent by their adult child.

Articles about non-consensual intercourse (vaginal or otherwise), where the perpetrator forces it on the victim against their will and the victim is helpless to escape.

Articles about a pattern of using a system of beliefs to inflict and/or justify abuse: physical, sexual, and/or emotional. Religious abuse might or might not take a form of a ritual, and can be perpetrated by an organized group of people or just a single person.
Articles About Recovery:

Articles about stages of healing, anger management, identifying your feelings, knowing your needs, improving your self esteem, etc.

Articles about things you can do to improve your quality of life: cleaning, cooking, sleeping, arts & crafts, etc

Articles about healthy and unhealthy relationships, how to communicate with people, how to set boundaries, how to avoid drama, how to not abuse others, etc.

Articles about supporting an abuse survivor, our art and poetry, abuse stories, glossary, etc. Feel free to add to these projects, and share them with your friends.
Articles About Mental Health:

Articles about therapy: how to choose a good therapist, what to talk about in their office, and when to quit.

Articles about how to ground when you're triggered, dealing with panic attacks and flashbacks, managing phobias, etc.

Articles about Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Multiple Personality Disorder), where it comes from and how we live with it.

Articles about suicide, self-harm, eating disorders, addictions, or any other non-accidental behaviors that are harmful to your body.
This library is a collection of writings submitted by the members and visitors of Fort Refuge such as their stories, thoughts, experiences, insights, helpful links, phone numbers, poems, artwork, jokes - anything at all that members of our support group found interesting and beneficial to adult survivors of abuse. We are a diverse group and not all of us necessarily agree with or endorse materials posted here - we simply provide you with a platform to share information on abuse, its aftereffects, and techniques on handling both. If you're looking for a topic not covered in this list yet - forums contain plenty of info as well. Our library is frequently updated, please check back often, and feel free to contribute your writing!
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