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Emergency Escape Plan

Being involved in a violent relationship is kind of like living on top of a volcano. Some people leave once they realize it and never look back. Others run off during the eruption, wait out the danger, and come back once things calm down. Many go back and forth a few times, but eventually leave for good. Whatever your long-term plan is (staying or leaving), it's crucial to ensure your basic safety in the here and now, while you're still sharing the house with your abuser and the volcano can erupt any minute. The beauty of an emergency escape plan is that you don't have to hide it, because it's applicable in any emergency: fire, flood, earthquake, burglary, etc. Any reasonable person would commend you for being conscious of safety, your partner won't question your motives, and your friends and family won't suspect abuse (if you wish to keep it secret). You can even disguise your plan as a joke, a game, or a hobby (e.g. zombie apocalypses). It consists of simple adjustments that are easy to implement, but that would drastically increase your chances of surviving violence at home, and eventually escaping it.

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Living With Agoraphobia

i've been struggling with agoraphobia for the majority of my life. It's waxed and waned over the years, swelling and receding in its severity, but it's never fully gone away. There have been times where it was so severe i've been bedbound for a few days. There has been times where it was held back, and going outside wasn't a big deal. There are times where i can go outside easily with trusted companions, but cannot step foot out my door to even check the mailbox on my own. Each time i've battled the extreme 'flareups' that agoraphobia throws at me, i'd had different approaches, depending on where in particular the irrational fears were stemming from. This current bout, though, has been one of the most difficult to fight, and one of the longest stretches i've had to endure it. i started to write about it on Fort about a year ago, at first just venting frustrations, but the thread grew into more than just an explosion of emotions - it shows glimpses of my journey, thoughts, plans, ideas, failures, successes... When i was approached about sharing this particular battle of mine more publicly on Fort, i felt a little bit honored. i often feel that Agoraphobia is misunderstood. i know i'm still attempting to wrap my head around it, even after all these years of living with it. It's a very lonely, isolating condition, and at its worst, it's completely irrational, yet totally unbudging against all forms of logic. And if putting my story out there will help reach others, to...

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My abuser and me: So much in common

To my father...my abuser. Have decided it's time to get a bit of balance into my thinking about me and you. Truth is we share so much...sometimes reacted to some of it in different, sometimes in similar ways. Both grew up without the parental support we deserved - you because your father died in the Spanish flu epidemic and your mother did not cope well on her own...tended to put her kids second as she sought to find a new husband and life for herself. Me? Don't really need to go into details about your and my relationship (you know that well enough) but, it was not all down to you...like your mother, my mother (your wife) did not always cope with the situations she found herself in. Tried her best I am sure but did not, or chose not, to see (at the time the limited options) to protect my sibs and me. I often wonder did you really not care for me as much as your behaviour would suggest or like me did you learn to tough things out rather than express your pain to a world that seemed not to care? Did you as a child dream that someone would save you...take some of your too heavy burden on their shoulders? That you could be as carefree as the other children around you appeared to be. Did you like me fear that your mother would leave you, worry how you would cope? In my case I was luckier than you were. My mother did not take my sister and leave 13 year old me and my younger brothers with a step-father who barely knew us...move overseas...set up a new life with a new...

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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Abuse is a serious psychological trauma, often involving threat to life, so it's not surprising that many of us struggle with PTSD, the same condition that's experienced by many combat veterans. PTSD is not a weakness, and cannot be overcome by willpower, i.e. sucking it up and pretending you're fine till it passes. It's a mental health condition that needs to be diagnosed and treated by a mental health professional. DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) criteria for PTSD include a history of exposure to a traumatic event (that meets specific stipulations), and symptoms of four different types: intrusion, avoidance, negative alterations in cognitions and mood, and alterations in arousal and reactivity. Symptoms of each type need to be present for more than one month, causing significant distress or functional impairment (e.g. loss of employment), and cannot be due to medications, substance abuse, or other illnesses. This page lists and illustrates the four types of PTSD symptoms, so that survivors would seek professional help if they need it, and supporters would better understand what their loved one is going through and why they act the way they do.

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Grounding Techniques

Emotions are a good thing to have: they let us know what feels good (so we know to keep it), and what feels bad (so we know to change it). Without emotions we would be clueless as to where do we want to go with life. That’s how it’s supposed to work anyway. Unfortunately, trauma can shake us up pretty badly, and some things might not fall back into place right away. We end up having emotions that aren’t guiding us towards a better life, but that keep us stuck in pain and misery instead. Moreover, these emotions often flood us at the wrong time: when we are at work, driving, grocery shopping, babysitting, or trying to have a calm evening with a partner. Suddenly, completely out of the blue, anxiety hits us below the belt, or we start replaying old trauma in our head as if it were happening all over again, or we get furious at our perp, or deeply sad about our ruined childhood, or get an irresistible craving to get wasted/high, or an urge to self-injure. Aside from bad timing – these feelings can get quite overwhelming, and thus hard to manage. While technically valid and understandable, they aren’t helping us in the here and now. There’s no reason for us to be relieving that traumatic experience while we are driving to work. If we need to do it – we’ll pick a better timing and surrounding for it, such as our therapist’s office for example. And meanwhile we can’t allow all those old feelings to overwhelm us at random, so we need to distract our mind from...

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Physical Abuse

Physical violence is a crime, regardless of the age of the target, their relationship to the perpetrator, or any other circumstances. However, it affects children differently than it affects adults. First, children are completely dependent on their abusers (legally, financially, physically, and psychologically); they can't divorce their parents and move out, which leaves them no option but to suffer the abuse until someone rescues them. Second, children aren't fully developed physically; their bodies are more fragile because they are still growing, so a light smack on the back of a head, which would be of no consequence to an adult, can cause traumatic brain injury and death to a child. And third, children aren't fully developed mentally; they can't form an accurate understanding of their situation, which results in serious psychological trauma and various maladjustments, sometimes life-long. Many perpetrators of child abuse take advantage of this, presenting their actions as a perfectly acceptable parenting technique, punishment for the child's misbehavior. This page might be hard to read, as some people subject their children to torture, as defined in The United Nations Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment. However, avoiding this topic doesn't work, because survivors of this type of abuse often end up unsure what to call their experience, whether it's OK to talk about it, and whether it ever happened to anyone else....

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Growing Up In A DV Environment

I grew up in a violent situation, where the adults around me were not only violent with me, but were also violent with each other. Domestic violence was really confusing for me as a kid. Then I had the fortunate opportunity of living in a completely different situation with my adoptive Mom and Dad, and the contrast between the two situations was drastic. I read something a while back that made me think about the situation. I remember really strongly how I felt as a kid when the adults around me fought with each other, argued and were violent with each other, were disrespectful towards one another, and treated each other as less than a person. Their actions had a huge impact on me--I was afraid the majority of the time, I didn't feel safe, cared about, or stable, my world felt like it was always on the brink of crumbling, and I had no way to get myself out of the situation or to improve it, so I felt really trapped. Considering I didn't have anything to compare this environment to, I figured this was just the way it had to be--that adults argued, fought, were violent, etc.--and I often felt as if these things were my fault. Fortunately, once I got out of the abuse situation and my Mom and Dad adopted me, I found out that relationships and conflict within relationships could be drastically different. My Mom and Dad often disagreed with each other, had arguments about a multitude of things, didn't see eye to eye sometimes, but they never treated each other with anything less...