If the abuse resumes would I have to leave?

[anonymous]

So I got a few question. So I'm not sure I am considered to be an abuse survivor on this site. First if my main abuser changed and stopped being abusive then would I be called a survivor? Second if this person suddenly starts the abuse again would that mean I would have to leave fortrefuge if I joined? Also is this abuse being bullied bad in school and having an alter tell me that I was abused but I don't remember myself. Third if those things do not qualify as abuse then if the only abuse was by this one person and they suddenly started it again would that no longer make me a survivor. Basically I'm confused on the concept of what being a survivor means. I feel like this site would be good for me but I need to know if I can even join or if not where else to look. Like I said the person doesn't do those things anymore. However I can't ignore that the pattern may repeat in the future. That's why I need to know.

 

[Manya]

Whether you were abused or not is your call to make, it's not our place to judge your story.

If you are currently abused, i.e. your life/health/etc are in danger - you really should be talking to someone trained in 3D, like the police, or someone at a DV center/shelter, or adult protective services, or a hotline volunteer, or someone like that. There's a bunch of numbers and links under "Help" tab on top of this page. We care, but we are just a peer community, many of us struggle with mental health problems (as a result of abuse we suffered), so we really cant help with acute crises and/or safety concerns. We can listen, we can share our experiences with similar issues - but we cant protect you if you're in danger: the site is anonymous, we don't have your name and address, and none of us are acting in a professional capacity.

If you are not being abused currently but believe you have been abused before (again, it's your call, not ours) - then you're welcome at Fort of course, that's what it's for, it's the abuse survivors community. I understand your concern about the possibility of being abused in the future. Many of us have been abused as children, and still interact with our families. Those who were involved in domestic violence often deal with stalking (or fear of stalking). Even if our abuser is dead and buried - we can't guarantee that we'll never be abused by anyone ever again; nobody can guarantee that, unfortunately. If we're in danger - we get off the computer, reach for help in 3D, ensure our safety, and come back to Fort once it's not a concern anymore and we're ready to work on the aftermath of this trauma. Same goes for any other type of danger, e.g. suicidal crises.

In other words - Fort can be helpful in terms of recovering from past trauma, and it's you who decides if the trauma was "bad enough" to require a support group like Fort (I personally think it must have been, if you googled us). However, Fort is not the right place if someone is abusing you as we speak, or if you're about to kill yourself, or if your house is on fire, or if you're having some other kind of life-threatening emergency; you need professional 3D help then.

Hope this helps

 

[Sabine]

Not sure if I am reading your question correctly, but are you asking if a person can only be considered a “survivor” if they are never abused again? I absolutely agree with Manya, that if you are currently being abused, you need real life, in person help and can seek that out by using the numbers and info she described. If this is just hypothetical, though, and you are asking for a definition of “survivor,” I would say that anyone who has “survived” a particular abusive event or series of events of abuse is a survivor of that event. If at some point in the future they are abused again, that doesn’t take away the fact that they have survived the initial event. And yes, I think bullying is abuse, in part because it usually happens in situations where the person being bullied is trapped and/or powerless to get away.

 

[Jane]

Agree with what others have shared...other thing I have come to realise is that my initial (prolonged episode) of childhood abuse set me up for further abuse - I survived that, but it did not leave me unscathed - really knocked my sense of self about...pretty certain it set me up to be easy prey for a predator looking for his next target. In effect my history of abuse almost had a cyclical pattern to it...abuse/escape/survive-abuse/escape/survive did this cycle several times at various stages of my life. Was not until I realised that I needed to work on my own reaction and expectations, to put myself and my safety first that I was able to break it...to learn to recognise red flags and strengthen my personal boundaries - to believe and act as though I deserved to be treated well...most of all to find the courage to do whatever I needed to say 'no'.

My 2 cents worth.

 

[Alexithy]

.pretty certain it set me up to be easy prey for a predator looking for his next target.

About two years ago this was a huge epiphany to me. When my therapist explained that it is common for those that were abused in childhood fall prey to other predators throughout their life, it was disheartening but helped me rationalize a little bit. For a long time, I thought I was just really really unfortunate and I willingly kept walking into these scary situations and that it was my fault. It was helpful to hear that I wasn't just a glutton for punishment by nature...but could have been something else entirely.

 

[Couragetofly]

I'm actively being stalked by ex I believe and still continue to this day with protective measures including job loss, lack of money, issues surround abuse every day. I used to live a different life , now I live this hiding life but in general I still go shopping, still socialise and enjoy things . Looking forward to starting self defence classes again if they are still going.