Has anyone ever confronted their perpetrator?

Joined
Sep 3, 2016
Messages
5
#1
By calling, texting or in person. Did it help you get answers or bring closure or make the betrayal worse?

People I asked say don't bother as abusive people will always deny or rationalize what happened. Has anyone been down this road? If so what did you do and how'd it go for you?

Thanks in advance!
 

Lost_In_Thought

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Jul 18, 2011
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#2
I thought I had healed enough,and was strong enough to confront one of mine.I thought since it would just be talking on the ohone it would be no big deal,and I would say exactly what I thought and felt.

Big mistake!!I was told I wanted it and liked it,and quite a few other things,which instantly took me down to the depths of despair and I ended up curled up in a ball on the floor,sobbing.

I wish I had not talked to him at all.Sometimes how we think or wish things will turn out can end up being the exact opposite,and making things worse.I don't know why I thought he would admit what he did to me was wrong or would apologize(that was the way it played out in my head beforehand).It left me feeling evdn worse and I will never do anything like that again!!
 
Joined
Sep 18, 2016
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5
#4
Yes!

Since I filed a police report I had to call him and record the conversation. He did not really have an answer for why they do it and they typically don't other than power (but I doubt they would admit it). It went well because although I did not get answers, I let him know that he hurt me and that what he did was wrong. I did feel a little betrayed, but it was not made worse by confronting him because at the end of the day he was a monster and was never my friend to begin with (obviously I learned this the hard way). However, if you aren't trying to get it for evidence, I don't think it will do much good for your mental state and could make your anxiety worse because I doubt you will get legitimate answers.
 
Joined
Oct 11, 2016
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#5
I did through a Facebook message. He just said "no I didn't" and that was pretty much the end of it. I don't think it made me feel better or worse to be honest. I don't know if you can predict your own reaction from anyone else's experiences with stuff like this but I was surprised how numb i was to that interaction. And I think that's ok too.
 

Shelter

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Apr 10, 2016
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#6
I confronted one not 'fully' but I did after a specific event that happened.
This person put another person forward to handle my 'words' and twisted it into the 'old way' (me being rebellious and so on)
and did not take responsibility for it (kind of 'of course' .. didn't expect differently)
 

Lili4

Getting The Hang Of It
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Oct 18, 2016
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#7
Hey. Was down that road for almost a year...

Yeah, I confronted my ehole family. My father abused me from baby secually ans all the rest, all abuse, nightmare.
If you do want to confront your rapist, It is a bit stressful because when they lie and when they deny things it triggers anger and I have had veey bad rage fits due to them lying to me and making me feel inhuman again. They are posion to my good natured soul If you want to confront your rapist then thats ok but it can trigger anger alot! And anger is ok but if you are getting angry at someone who will never change and does respect you, they are not worth your time. But yes if you feel the need to confront then confront your heart away. Just dont get warped by them :)
 

Alia

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Oct 30, 2016
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112
#9
never confronted

I was apologized to once though, and I remember that not going well. I was not in a good place and I certainly wasn't ready to talk about what happened, and because I wasn't ready to talk about what happened, I panicked.
I thought I'd been ready to confront him, we'd run into each other a few times, and I just wanted to make the pain of it go away. I realized I was a lot more angry than I ever thought. I thought I'd wanted an apology and then when I had it....I didn't know what to do with it....turns out words didn't even come close to making it okay, and in a way, that made it worse.

I guess I mean...I didn't know what I wanted, I wanted to confront him and part of it was that he came to me first, and part of it was a "You think that's enough?" reaction to what I assumed I would have wanted had I confront him. Either way, it did not go well.
 
U

unregistered

Guest
#10
Confronting emotionally abusive ex, maybe?

So it's been a year and a half since breakup, but lately I've been getting a lot more attempts from my ex (no caller ID calls, multiple emails to both my accounts, a new FB account to send me a message, even a message over pinterest of all places). The past month has had the most attempts (5 in one day and a couple of other times) and I'm getting to the point where I'm wondering if I should actually confront him and send him an email to respect my boundaries and to stop contacting me.

His messages have pretty much all been wanting to get in contact and talk or asking if 'I'm ok' and a bunch of other ridiculous nonsense. I feel like responding to him in any way would be giving in to all those attempts he's been making. But I also don't want to keep receiving contact from him or having to 'deal with it'. I know in the end it's my decision, but sometimes it's nice to just hear other peoples' opinions.

So there's three options:
1. Keep chugging along and ignoring. Maybe he'll finally get the hint of me not responding to any of his attempts and stop.
2. Send him an email to stop contacting me/leave me alone/respect my boundaries.
3. Number 2 but do it in the flesh (I feel like if I did this for me personally it'd be terrifying but sorta be like a 'you have no power over me' thing.

Still mulling this over; if I decided to actually meet up or do anything I'm definitely planning it after my sis comes home and before I go and hang out with friends so if I get emotionally wobbly there's friends/family to retreat to.
 

weepingwillow

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#11
Not sure if you're interested or what the laws are where you are, but here if you can prove it's him in any way you can press charges for harassment. That may give your "respect my boundaries" stance more weight, if you press charges. idk him or you of course, or the laws where you're at, so it may not be an option or a good idea for you. In similar circumstances I asked to be left alone, all that did was give an opening for the person to think they could convince me to let them back in my life. Doesn't always go like that, just how it happened for me. :rs
 

Sunfl0wer

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#12
Imo, it depends. Depends to me how things ended. Did you ghost him? Does he know that you never wanted to talk to him again or you just kinda showed him via behaviors. And it had been a year and a half, why the heck is he reaching out now, what is he saying?? Like maybe you had a kid by him and the kid is now in the world so he wants contact? Maybe you were having limited contact and reached out yourself some? Maybe he heard you just got out of the hospital?

Idk you, or your situation is what I am saying. Not saying you had his baby or such at all...or did ghost him...(or maybe you feel you had to ghost for safety, idk) ... or anything else....just saying I'm not gonna give opinions when I got no clue at all the dynamics at play here. Not judging at all, just saying...I simply do not know and think other stuff matters.

I got reasons in my own head why trying to make contact could be perfectly reasonable to me.
Or maybe it is not, idk.

So idk :dk
 

Manya

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#13
did you ever tell him to not contact you again?
i think this needs to be said, it cant be implied or self-understood or whatever, it needs to be said literally, to avoid any misunderstandings. but i also think it only needs to be said once. cuz repeating it continuously gives a double-message - on one hand i dont wanna have contact but on the other hand i keep responding. and i also think it gives the other person undue power. cuz its engaging them, arguing, justifying, explaining, appealing to their consciousness, etc. like "respect my boundaries" - to me its an appeal to consciousness and an attempt at reasoning with them. its almost like "youre hurting my feelings". just my personal thing, im sure many people feel differently. but i personally only extend this much communication to friends, to people i like. people i dont like only get a "please don't contact me again", cuz we're past the stage of explanations and treating each other as reasonable people who can hear and understand words. if im asking someone to not contact me again - it means i dont believe in their ability to hear the words that are coming outta my mouth, otherwise we woulda resolved our conflicts somehow. so if they are incapable of hearing me - why would i bother arguing with them... just a "do not contact me again" followed up by a complaint to the police. the last time i had to do it the police was super nice (kudos to the UK police btw, it was my first interaction with them and i was hugely impressed) and i didnt even end up filing any reports or orders of protection or anything of the sort. i just told them i didnt wanna press the issue cuz the person seemed unstable and i felt bad for them, but that i didnt wanna continue receiving their messages. forwarded the copy of my "do not contact me again" statement and a coupla samples of what i received after that. so the police just paid them a home visit and explained to them that i was being nice by not taking any legal action, but that it would be in their best interest to cut it out cuz my patience isnt unlimited. i never heard back from that person :pg
 
U

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#14
@weepingwillow hmm I checked and I think I can press charges, or at least I'd be able to tell him I could if it still continued. (I sort of feel like if I did respond it'd just be an opening too but we'll see.)

@Sunfl0wer unfortunately I said we'd still be 'friends' without knowing he was emotionally abusive four months post breakup. And thank goodness no kid (just dated for a year), haven't reached out in any way at all. And yeah I understand varying situations and whatnot thanks for your input all the same.

did you ever tell him to not contact you again?
i think this needs to be said, it cant be implied or self-understood or whatever, it needs to be said literally, to avoid any misunderstandings. but i also think it only needs to be said once.
Unfortunately I haven't (there wasn't a need honestly because there were no attempts or anything for a year, it's just this year for some reason they decided to try a bunch of times, haha). And didn't think of how the 'respect boundaries' thing might be taken so yeah just going to keep to don't contact me. Glad to hear that they left you alone after, too.
 

Jane

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#15
Seems to be a very personal thing whether or not to confront your abuser - in my case I never did. Just within my gut knew that it would not lead to anything good for me. Would be met with denial and lead to further pain. Can see why this decision is not the right one for everyone...some find it good to eyeball and have it out with their abuser...the likelihood of a negative reaction is one they have taken into acct and are prepared to live with rather than continuing to deny their own truth of what happened.

Thing I have done is write a 'no holds barred' letter to my perpetrator...not with the intention of posting it - rather to help myself process/release some of the stress his actions caused me :rs:rs
 

freedom2016

Getting The Hang Of It
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#16
for me

For my experience, my ex denied the abuse even to the point of claiming what he did wasn't "abuse", that it was "a natural response to how I acted or spoke to him". He even claimed that I was abusing him because I would lie to him in order to keep myself and my children safe. For me, it's like in the cycle of abuse where the abuser always blames the other person. No matter what happened even during our relationship, he always said it was my fault. After I left, he still blamed me for what happened and for everything even after I left. It's always a 'no-win' situation. I hope this helps. Good luck.
 

Jane

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#19
I never got closure....sadly.... he died
Same for me Ironheart - my abuser died a while back. Dunno if I ever would have gone the confrontation route...likely not, however I do remember feeling 'put out' that this was no longer an option. Know before he died I rehearsed over and over in my mind what I would say...wanted him to know - actually on occasions still do that :D

For you :rs
 

Look4footprints

Getting The Hang Of It
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#20
By calling, texting or in person. Did it help you get answers or bring closure or make the betrayal worse?

People I asked say don't bother as abusive people will always deny or rationalize what happened. Has anyone been down this road? If so what did you do and how'd it go for you?

Thanks in advance!
I confronted my person and they admitted it at first, I started to cry. I was relieved, happy, hopeful. And then in the next breath they took it all bad, denied it, started getting angry and aggressive and the moment I had been building up to for so long crumbled and fell. I cried so hard, spent days on the floor just drinking, self harming, suicidal, dreaming of death. It felt like rock bottom. Never ever want to go there again. I'm not sure comfronting someone is ever as you imagine. Be sure to have support at hand when you fall.
 
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