Contact from Abuser

[Eliza95]

Basically my dad abused me for about 12 years from when I was about 5/6years old until I was 18 when I managed to escape. Now I’m 22 and I have just had a hand delivered letter from my father informing me that my Grandma (his mother) has passed away from terminal cancer. He put his mobile number at the top of the paper and I’m not really sure what to do. I really appreciate that he thought to tell me and I want him to keep me updated should anything happen with the rest of his family. But how do I tell him any of this without opening up back and forth contact with him? If I tell him anything at all?
I reported the abuse to the police but nothing came of it as there wasn’t any physical evidence so he didn’t get any kind of repercussions. That was 4 yeas ago and this is the 1st I’ve heard from him since.

 

[Jane]

Hi Eliza first of all may I offer you my condolences for the loss of your grandma...passing of family members is usually hard for those who knew and cared for them.

Hear your conflicted feelings about returning your father's message...that doing this may give him the idea that he can resume a contact with you. In your position I do not know how I would feel, I suppose if I wanted to attend the family funeral I would have to accept that he would also be there and need to plan how I would manage this - if I had no intention of attending the funeral I would probably not return his message. Is a very personal thing - a hard situation to be dealing with.

Just another thought...is there any family members other than your father who you could contact to offer your condolences and be with as you come to terms with the lost of your grandma.

For you if I may

 

[Eliza95]

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately I am not in co tact with any of the rest of his family as I didn’t feel it fair to put them in the middle of everything. You’re right, I don’t really want anything to come of me contacting him, so there is no point in doing it. I can respect my grandma in my own time and in my own way. I would not want to go to the funeral - again as I would not want to put my other family members in a difficult position or cause any arguments at the funeral. Thank you so much for the advice.

 

[eagle22]

Sorry about your Grandma....wondered if just sending flowers on the day to the funeral directors would offer you some way out of actually going and would perhaps help you mark her passing without making contact with your father.

 

[Couragetofly]

Sorry about your grandma. It is difficult to lose family member then be told in this way. My father did similar things. As did family. I ignore their approaches - last one I said if he did not leave me lone I would put him in jail. Never saw him again. Never expect further contacts now- standing up to them if it is safe worked for me .