So about these lingering trust issues...
About 6 years ago, when I was 6 months out of abuse and into recovery, I suffered a serious broken relationship with an authority figure in my life. This person abused their power over me and broke my confidence. It boiled down to gossip and slander (he and his wife speculated about my mental health and made an accusation against me that they...well, there was no conviction in what they said. That's why I call it gossip.)
He works in what we call in my state a "helping profession", so one that is legally obligated to report abuse or intervene when someone is in harm's way. As such, it was completely strange that he never voiced his supposedly serious concerns beyond some destructive controlling behaviors and speculation with members of his staff...which, of course, got back to me. As these things always will in tight communities.
The situation was gray and complex. I was only just fighting my way through the 14 years of compiled shame that came with my abuse. But I did find my voice, eventually. I confronted him 6 months later and demanded an explanation for his behavior, with his bosses in the room. He gave a politicians explanation and a non-apology ("I'm sorry if you felt..."). It went to a cold war for years after that. But now...his bosses want to deal with it again. They are concerned about other ethical strangeness they see in him and see our broken relationship as a turning point. I want to help - goodness, I'm impressed they want to address it at all after all this time! Some shift, them recognizing he has a problem. But it's tough to trust after all that happened before when I was in such a fragile state. None of these people knew I'd been abused until recently.
What do you do to work on trust? How do you develop your sense of when people deserve your trust and when they don't?
I know we all struggle with swinging between trusting too much too soon or not at all, thanks to the abuse. I've just never figured out how to "read" or test situations. I tend to live in too much hope or too much fear of being hurt again.
About 6 years ago, when I was 6 months out of abuse and into recovery, I suffered a serious broken relationship with an authority figure in my life. This person abused their power over me and broke my confidence. It boiled down to gossip and slander (he and his wife speculated about my mental health and made an accusation against me that they...well, there was no conviction in what they said. That's why I call it gossip.)
He works in what we call in my state a "helping profession", so one that is legally obligated to report abuse or intervene when someone is in harm's way. As such, it was completely strange that he never voiced his supposedly serious concerns beyond some destructive controlling behaviors and speculation with members of his staff...which, of course, got back to me. As these things always will in tight communities.
The situation was gray and complex. I was only just fighting my way through the 14 years of compiled shame that came with my abuse. But I did find my voice, eventually. I confronted him 6 months later and demanded an explanation for his behavior, with his bosses in the room. He gave a politicians explanation and a non-apology ("I'm sorry if you felt..."). It went to a cold war for years after that. But now...his bosses want to deal with it again. They are concerned about other ethical strangeness they see in him and see our broken relationship as a turning point. I want to help - goodness, I'm impressed they want to address it at all after all this time! Some shift, them recognizing he has a problem. But it's tough to trust after all that happened before when I was in such a fragile state. None of these people knew I'd been abused until recently.
What do you do to work on trust? How do you develop your sense of when people deserve your trust and when they don't?
I know we all struggle with swinging between trusting too much too soon or not at all, thanks to the abuse. I've just never figured out how to "read" or test situations. I tend to live in too much hope or too much fear of being hurt again.
I tried to take someone like that with me to the original confrontation years ago and they said no. It would help tremendously to have someone with me this time, someone who can help me parse the conversation after. 
