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Thread: I just needed to say this

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    I just needed to say this

    (Sorry if my English is a little confusing). It's curious how I'm gonna end writing this in a public forum full of strangers instead of telling to someone I know. I guess it's easier this way, you don't have to deal with the pity of your loved ones or feel embarrased every time you see their faces, knowing that they know. So I won't tell them, I don't plan on telling them, I could never watch my mom at her eyes without feeling horrible and ashamed. Yes, I know it wasn't my fault, that's what someone told me once, that it wasn't my fault, so I shouldn't feel ashamed for that. Maybe I still blame myself for being too weak to stop it earlier, to stop it before I broke...
    I've this grandfather, he's not my grandfather by blood, but he knew my mom before I was born and he helped her a lot. He's a nice person, I know. When I was born I was the most special person for him, I was his treasure. So he's my grandfather even if we are not related by blood, he is...and after everything I still love him.
    He said it was my fault. He said I "seduce" him...and probably that's very stupid considering I was six yrs old...I doubt I could "seduce" anyone at that age. Hell, I didn't even knew what that word meant. The truth is that I don't know why, but he became intimate with me in a sexual way and somehow managed to convince me to not tell anyone.
    I was a kid...I didn't even knew what he was doing, I was ok with that, he was my grandfather, he would never hurt me, right? I could say he never force me to anything because I didn't understood what was going on.
    When I was 12...I realized that not all grandparent's did those kind of things with their grandchildren. So I started asking to myself if it was wrong or not. I honestly didn't knew if it was wrong...and I couldn't ask anyone about that.
    At some point I realized that IT WAS wrong...maybe when I was 15...but after 9 yrs going throught that every time I stayed at his house...I just denied it. I told to myself that it was ok...that everything was ok. I just bit my lip, closed my eyes and tried to ignore it. I was incredible good at denying something like that. But he noticed I wasn't so willing anymore.
    But it took me two yrs more...it took me two years to end it. It took me to years until I was brave anough to tell him to stop. It was last year, I told him I didn't liked it, I told him that I never actually liked it. As I said, he's a nice person, so he stoped...drastically. I didn't wanted to tell him because I knew that he was gonna stay away from me if I did. I love him as a grandfather...and I wish with all my sould that we could have a normal relationship. But when I told him, he pushed me away and started ignoring me. I haven't talk to him in months. He's the closest person I have to a father...and now I don't have him...I'm not even sure anymore if he really loved me as his family...or if he just liked my body. And I can't blame him.
    I'm broken now, I hate myself, I don't think I could ever have sex with someone without feeling horrible. I've all those memories that I hate. I don't know what to do...I'm a disaster. I remember I used to be a happy person...now I can't. I'm not ok, all days are bad. I hate that I didn't said anything earlier...I hate to be such a coward. I hate to don't have a grandfather anymore. And I feel like it's all my fault.
    I just needed to say this...that's all.
    ~Lucas

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    England.
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    Hi Lucas

    I hope by writing here on Fort that you have been helped in dealing with what must be a terribly upsetting thing..the loss of a father figure is bad enough but the betrayal by one must be heartbreaking.
    I'm sure you don't need anyone to tell you what he did to the small child that was you was wrong not to say illegal. The very fact he now distances himself from you shows he knows the truth of his own actions .

    I think any kind of abuse is difficult to come to terms with but perhaps especially abuse at the hands of someone you both love and trust.
    Maybe when you feel able you might consider reaching out to a therapist or support group that can help you further to come to terms with all this.
    May I wish you well for the future and perhaps if by writing here has helped you might also consider joining Fort..I have found it so very helpful as I try to come to terms with my own CSA..if so hope to meet you again..
    M
    " A person's a person no matter how small" Horton the Elephant.
    "Why,sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast" Lewis Carroll,Alice In Wonderland.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    Hi Lucas - I am so sorry that this predatory man preyed on your love and trust of him...violated this - continued to do this over many years although as an adult he must have known this was utterly wrong and criminal.

    Can understand your conflict...the man sounds like he was skilled at shifting the blame - blaming, grooming and convincing you he loved you...mayhap he did in his own distorted way - who knows? however what he did was not the behaviour of a caring grandfather was the behaviour of a paedophile...a person who exploits and sexually preys of children. Does things that if they were witnessed would probably end up with a lengthy term in prison - being added to the sexual offenders' register.

    I was also subjected to csa as a kid - been in that tough space...am still healing from its long lasting aftermath. Idk if it appeals to you but I find working with a trauma therapist helps.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  4. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Momma_Grizz (06-28-2018)

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