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Thread: TW Religion Stuck and don't know what to do!

  1. #1
    SoulStar Guest

    TW Religion Stuck and don't know what to do!

    Hi folks,

    I am posting here to get perspective. Sorry if this gets long-winded but it involves 18yrs of a relationship 17yrs of which are in the context of a marriage.

    We are both Christians and he is more than 10yrs older than me. He came across as a mature, responsible man with whom I connected intellectually. I didn't notice some red flags as I was young then. Things he said like he preferred a woman my age as I will learn and am not stuck in my ways compared to women his age. Things like when I slipped and fell he would laugh and poke jokes and say it serves my ego right and that will keep me humble when all I wanted was him picking me up and checking if I was OK. Anyway we got married.

    These 17yrs he has not said one good thing to me. I can never do anything right. He sometimes even counts how many errors I made in a day such as dropping something, etc... If I ask him if I look good in something or if I did well in something he will tell me to stop my crap and he will not say anything on the pretext that I will grow proud. I asked him if I don't turn to him for affirmation then who will I turn to. He never says sorry but I have apologized to him often for things I never did just so he will not be angry and eat - to make peace before the sun goes down. When his anger is triggered he calls me names and says very hurtful things and falsely accuses me of things I never did. When he is calm and I tell him he hurt me he brushes it off and says that he didn't say that and I am talking nonsense. Or he will say I caused it... If I wasn't so stupid, etc... He wouldn't have acted that way. I have been forbidden by him from crying in his presence as he calls it a woman's manipulation tool. All I wanted was a hug when I have lost family members to death, etc... So I cry in the toilet and out of sight and sound from him.

    He has hit me occasionally, never so hard to leave visible bruises. The first time was when I accidentally rolled the chair wheel over his toe not knowing he was behind me. He knocked me hard on the top of my head and then on my shoulder blade. I was in shock as even my own parents never once hurt me that way. He has hit me on the head with his fist like knocking a door, when I didn't answer his calls because I had put the phone on silent while attending to work. He has flung wooden wall hangings at me. He has forced me to lift heavy things like wardrobes to assist him around the home though I have back issues. He will curse me and threaten nonsense when I ask him to call and request his younger brother to help him.

    He has embarrassed me in public. Example - when I have been late by one minute, not kidding, he has made scenes in shopping malls and refused to watch movie with me and has left me stranded in front of people and walked away. On three occasions he has threatened to crash the car and kill both of us when our conversation went down stream. Often it was because I was telling him to treat his sister with kindness or not be angry with someone else.

    He doesn't like me getting close to anyone... When he sees I am, he will start telling me not to trust them and will warn me that I will face consequences of not listening to his advice such as divine retribution. He did that with my family so that I visited them about once in five years or so and also to four close friends. However I insisted and maintained contact much to his chagrin.

    The latest incident involved me being over stressed and I made a mistake. I accepted my error which cost me and made it clear that this was the first time and the last time I would make such a mistake. It involved me paying money to buy some 'balls' in a match three game. The bill was about 550 bucks. I have never played this before and I under extreme stress for the first time played it to find relief. But I will definitely not do it again. But he refused to accept my error and apology and cursed me to go die and compared me unfairly to someone who left her husband in great debts. He disregarded that the four years he has been jobless I had to hold the fort and that he used my savings to renovate the home and what not. He even took his things and is now sleeping in another room and refuses to talk with me. I continue to try and talk on whatsapp but he doesn't reply. I tried to make daily talk with him but he doesn't respond. He won't even accept my apology now and has isolated me by not communicating.

    For 13yrs of our marriage he hasn't touched me. I have stayed faithful to him regardless of my needs and given up dreams of being a mother all because I fear God and honor the covenant of marriage and this is what he has dished out to me.

    I don't know what to do as his unwillingness to forgive that one error of mine and to isolate me this way has hurt me badly and taken an emotional toll on me. I actually managed to get about 200 bucks in refund for that game. I learned a hard lesson and will not seek such foolish relief again seeing it can lead to addiction. I find myself stuck because he has cut away from his family as two of his siblings cheated him. I know he has gone through pain. He has health issues too. I am the only family he has now and I don't want anything bad to happen to him if I leave. That's firstly the reason why I am stuck. Secondly I am working in a church and people know us. It will hurt his reputation and stumble others if they knew what has been happening behind closed doors. People have known me to speak up against wrong but I have been silent in my own case. I feel ashamed. How am I to reconcile faith with what is happening to me? Do I leave but my heart is conflicted? Do i stay and continue bearing this pain? I don't know what to do.

  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Read your story - unfortunately not an all that unfamiliar one. Can not give you advice am not qualified to do that or right based only on what you have shared in this convo. However can and are happy to share my thoughts for what they are worth. Seems to me this guy is treating you as lesser as though you are his inferior - as though you are a difficult child one he has decided to take a critical line with. Lets face it that approach does not work with kids...and certainly not with adults.

    Dunno why he has developed this pattern of interacting with you (an equal) you do mention he was subject to early put-downs and abuse - may have emotional issues of his own...however this does not given him the right to play his historical angst out on you. No matter if you do something he doesn't like, burn the dinner, or whatever - sure he can have his say but needs to do it in a way that is respectful and not a put down to you.

    Idk if you have spoken to a counselor (and know what a big step that can be)...however I found doing this really helpful...saw that for any relationship to work both parties need to be able to express and have their wishes and dreams factored in - considered seriously - given equal weight. That their needed to be a meeting of the minds (an agreement (or a workable compromise) on stuff that matter to one or the other partner. Other thing I learned in therapy was that I could talk to my partner till I was blue in the face - however if he had no wish to change or saw no reason to do this it wouldn't and never would work.

    In the end I recognised that I had two choices - accept the status quo (that it was my choice) and make the most of living with my manipulative partner or do the hard thing - accept that this was not how I wanted to live and walk away. I chose the latter. Planned my leaving by talked to staff at my local DV center (we have links to helpful agencies in the help tab in our header) about my options, also consulted with a lawyer to discuss and set up protection for my property rights, custody and stuff.

    Was leaving easy? NO...was one of the hardest things I have ever done...emotionally and practically. However with support I survived. Now I look back from my 'new' and settled life and think 'how did I put up with what I did...how and why did I stay for as long as I did?" Argh the invidious nature of abuse the way it creeps up on you and distorts your thinking - makes you feel at fault and ashamed.

    For you as you continue to look at your situation and consider your options. Hope what I have shared helps.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    eagle22 (05-17-2018),Jobriel (05-17-2018)

  4. #3
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    if i know you it's fine
    the thing that stands out to me about your story is the gaslighting. just in case you have not heard of it: "gaslighting is to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity." it is a technique used when someone tells another person that their memories of an incident are false, that something they clearly remember "didn't happen." it is used to make a person feel they must question their own thoughts. i hear some of that in your story and understand it on a personal level as i have been gaslighted by abusers in my life.

    i can't give you advice because it's not my place, but what i hear from your words is that you feel miserable and conflicted. i know these are common feelings for people in similar situations. i'm glad you're reaching out.

    i found that i couldn't put my feelings aside for the sake of another person, no matter how much i cared about them. in my experience it was neither kind to them or to myself to keep my reality from being acknowledged. this didn't mean i went around telling others they were right or wrong, but that i held within myself a quiet place where my truth was sacred.

    i hear you about faith being a component. again, i can't give you advice, in my personal experience with this aspect, it is my personal connection that gives me answers.

    again, i'm glad you're reaching out.
    the constellation

  5. The following 3 users say thank you to tsukinobun for this useful post:

    Jane (05-24-2018),Jobriel (05-17-2018),kittenlover (05-16-2018)

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