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Thread: Abusers blame me

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Abusers blame me

    Lately I've been getting in fights with my abusers. I still live with them and can't afford to move away. I didn't used to resist them but I'm coming closer and closer to suicide and so I've been fighting back. This has only made things worse. Anyways.

    My abusers are claiming that I haven't told them I disapproved of their behaviour, that I never protested. I have memories of protesting but they refuse to acknowledge it (they never allowed the protests to go unargued). Worse, because of gaps in my memory thanks to PTSD and depression, I don't remember everything.

    In my eyes, I've been abused for decades. In their eyes, I started to snap at them for no reason two months ago and they want me to stop and take the blame for everything (and also to "start fresh, ignoring everything that happened before"). I don't know how to hold my ground or even if I'm right to hold my ground, after all, my memory can't be trusted? I don't know what to do, please help if you can.

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  2. #2
    Join Date
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    hey guest

    i hear what youre saying. idk, criminals rarely admit to their wrongdoings and offer apologies. i mean, if they did - we wouldnt have trial by jury, everyone would just plead guilty to their crimes and serve their time. i figure many people wouldnt commit crimes to begin with, if they recognized their choices as crimes. just saying its kinda to be expected, unfortunately, that people wont acknowledge their wrongdoings when confronted. sucks big time, but not much of a surprise.

    idk who your abusers are, but, assuming youre over 18 and they are under no obligation to provide you with housing - i personally wouldnt argue with people whose mercy i depend on. just cuz they can kick me out any day, if they get fed up with my attitude. just not a very practical approach, you know. most countries have some sorta provisions for those who are unemployed, poor, disabled, homeless, etc, so those programs could provide a way out of an unhealthy living arrangement. i certainly wouldnt wanna depend on someone whom i consider an abuser, even temporarily.

    i think everyone has the right to define their reality how they see fit. if you were talking to law enforcement, trying to get your abusers prosecuted for their crimes - then youd have to prove your position. but we aren't law enforcement, we're a trauma support group. we arent here to judge if the people youre talking about are indeed abusers or not. clearly something bothered you enough to google a trauma support group, so that alone means that you deserve our sympathy and support.

    ps: thanks for the captcha headsup
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  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Sunfl0wer (02-24-2018),weepingwillow (02-26-2018)

  4. #3
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    Really like what Manya said.

    Just want to add a thought I had.
    This week working in therapy, I was working through some grief. The therapist asked me if I have ever experienced my sadness without anger near it. I think his point partially was... it may be pretty common to want to focus on anger when feeling grief as anger may feel more “empowering” to feel. (Not saying you don’t have every darn right in the world to feel anger in the face of abuse, not at all what I mean). Just saying I think when I am sad, it is easier for me to switch to feeling angry at someone because it is a more externalized feeling...yet it also can be a way that I am running from allowing myself to fully feel my sad feelings.

    You mentioned the word suicide. I am imagining it may be possible that your feelings of sadness, anger, ect may be unbearable to you. I honestly cannot imagine struggling with this stuff without the support of my therapist. Just wondering if therapy could be an option for you to help you sort through some things and help with coping with the stuff you cannot change?
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  5. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Manya (02-24-2018),weepingwillow (02-26-2018)

  6. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    (and also to "start fresh, ignoring everything that happened before")
    Looks a bit like the typical "forgive and forget" thing that often happens in cycles of abuse.
    In a situation I was in, when they couldn't convince me to approve their behavior and do what they wanted, they tried the "forgive and forget" approach, which was something like "accept the behavior and allow us to continue behaving this way", as if they weren't capable of understanding that the reason why I had a problem with it was mainly because it was affecting my ability to function properly. Seems like people who were punished with violence (or any other aggressive acts) as childeren tend to be only focused on avoiding to take blame for anything rather than looking at what would actually have a good result for everyone.

    One thing I learned is there's no way to get through to them, it will only lead to a high amount of frustration. What they learned isn't something that can be re-learned in a short period of time and they usually keep seeing things in similar ways.
    If you think your memory can't be trusted, it could be someone tried to convince you (indirectly) of that. When this happened to me I started doubting my own conclusions and memory, because I simply didn't see it as a possibility that someone would do that knowingly as a part of the "forgive and forget" approach. I don't know exactly what you mean by "if I'm right to hold my ground", but people are allowed to think differently about something regardless what other people think about it (some abusive people try to decide for other people what they should see as wrong or right, to make things go the way they want).

  7. The following user says thank you to Shana for this useful post:

    weepingwillow (02-26-2018)

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