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Thread: Discovered recently - how to move on?

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Discovered recently - how to move on?

    I had a bad sexual experience last year that I now understand as assault. A relatively new date came over for a date, but started having sex without a condom, which was against every negotiated and implied boundary we had. I should have spoken up, but I froze and didn't do anything, just waited for it to be over. Afterwards I didn't feel safe with that person and pretty much avoided them, although I couldn't really pinpoint why. I didn't think much about it; the only thing I took away from that event was a resolve to be better about speaking up and enforcing my sexual boundaries. I was so far in denial/repression that I didn't even take care of my health until weeks later, when prompted by a different event. Ever since that event, I'd been withdrawing sexually until I hated anyone touching me.

    Recently I found out that the person knew it was wrong, and did it anyways. This broke me. All the memories came back and I could interpret it for what it was, assault. Having a language to describe it helped. Knowing that it was their fault, not mine, helped. I thought I had recovered. But I get triggered easily, even just in conversation, and it's affecting my current relationship. I'm going to see a therapist next week. I can work hard to be grounded and try to move past it, but I don't know how to make it stick. How do I heal? What do I need to recover and stay that way, and feel safe?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    I am so sorry that this person violated your boundaries. Can also relate to how shock, unexpectedness - call it what you will can make you 'freeze' rather than speak up. How after the event you replay it in your head and judge yourself - do the would, could, should have thing. That you feel traumatized and unable to move on imo why wouldn't you - seems to me that this was a blatant violation of you at so many levels.

    Have been in a similar situation - don't know if it is your thing, but helped me to work with a trauma therapist, someone who had the skill to support me as I expressed and started to process all I had been through.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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