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Thread: Domestic Violence

  1. #51
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    Hear you - how tough it is to deal with the situation you are in. Can not really add more to what Sunfl0wer has already shared. Utterly agree with her (and know from experience) that no amount of cajoling or second chance giving puts a stop to a person's established pattern of abuse...only thing that can do this is for them to want to stop...not because anyone else wants them too but because they have a powerful drive to do this them self. As you describe it (non commitment to working with a therapist) your wife is a long way away to wanting to do this. Thing I also realized (but not until after I had finally got away) was that my abusive partner kept 'pushing the envelop" proving to them self they could get away with it (even in the face of police intervention) were addicted to the frission of power that they got from being in control...exerting their will on another person.

    Only way forward for me was to leave. Was a complicated heartbreaking process. Went utterly against the grain for me to harden my heart to my partner's 'poor me' manipulations (at the time did not see them for what they were - mechanisms to take me on a guilt-trip - hook me back in).

    Can see that the safety of your children is a concern, good thing is that you are building up a record of her unstable behaviour - dk if it has reached the stage of being sufficient to file a case to gain primary custody of your girls - limiting her access to supervised visits...if you are talking to your lawyer about this option.

    For you and your girls.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  2. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Sunfl0wer (01-21-2018)

  3. #52
    Unregistered Guest

    Young domestic violence

    I got married to my husband at the age of 19. We were together for a little over a year when we made the decision to get married. He had been in the military for almost a year at the time. We knew we wanted to spend our lives together. He was always sweet and made me feel like I was a real life queen. He treated me with the upmost respect. I never doubted my love for that man. Once we got married our transition was really smooth thanks to the army. I dropped everything and moved away from home to be with him. He always struggled with his own past and I knew if I moved to be with him I would be able to help him get the help he needed and just take care of him. Everything was fine for a few months when one day I noticed he didn't look at me the same. I could see the hatred in his eyes. He would find any reason to get yell at me. He would make up scenarios in his head. He would blame me for literally anything that went wrong. For example, me not taking out the trash turned into me not caring about him. I had to pick up a lot of slack and walk on eggshells in hopes that nothing would trigger his anger. He would try to make me sleep on the couch, stand outside in the freezing cold, or kick me out of the house in the middle of the night in a town where I knew no one. One night in the middle of an argument he snapped. He had started physically abusing me and I was in complete shock. He had come from a family where the women in his life were abused by there ex's. He's watched it happen to his own family and would say that he would never lay a finger on me because of it. He lied. The first night, I was helpless and scared. I screamed, but no one heard me. I laid in bed as he choked me and hit me if I made any type of movement. The next morning he acted like it never happened. I was to scared to tell my parents because I thought he would find out somehow. I told myself that it was only one time and he would never do it again. Sure enough, he did. The second night, he got upset because I didn't take a blanket out of the dryer. This night, the abuse was worse than the first time. He ended up taking away my phone. He choked me time and time again. I thought that was it for me. I cried not because he was abusing me, but because I thought I would never see my sister again. The following morning I called my cousin who had just recently moved 3 hours away from me luckily. She was the closest person to me. I packed all of my stuff and my cousin came and got me. The next day I was on plane to go back home with my family.
    The hard part is building up the courage to divorce him. I didn't press charges. I didn't take the situation to the military. He still has his freedom. I still talk to him everyday. I still love him. But I know the best thing for me is to get a divorce and move on because I'll never feel safe with him again. When I bring up divorce he threatens to commit suicide. I can't leave him because if he isn't just crying wolf then I feel like it would be my fault and I can't have that on my heart. I hate how he has such a strong hold on me and is continuing to manipulate my life.

  4. #53
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    Hear how conflicted you feel. Having lived with an abuser I know how somehow I ended up blaming myself for his behaviour. Did the 'if only..." thing. Took me time and professional support to see that I was not responsible for my ex's behaviour...just as no one is responsible for mine. What he did was wrong...yep he had, a tough childhood (one he certainly did not deserve) however that was not and never could be an excuse for his out of control behaviour. His decision to deal with his pain by attacking others...seeing this as an ok option.

    I am so glad you are now safe - found the strength to get away from this very dangerous sounding man. Imo you deserve better - deserve to be treated respectfully - to not have your good nature taken advantage of.

    I hope sharing your story has helped.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  5. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    eagle22 (01-22-2018)

  6. #54
    Unregistered Guest

    Living with Domestic Abuse and constant gaslightung

    I have never been in this type of situation before. I have been assaulted in public and st home. If it is a good day I only get severely emotionally abused and blamed for everything . It has worn me down. I am also living under survelliance I am certain there are cameras . He has made up lies about me to neighbors so they won't talk to me. Also I believe he's having an affair. He has admitted to it . It's like living in a torture chamber. I can't go you a shelter because I work.

  7. #55
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    I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation...imo no one deserves to be subjected to what you describe. There is help out there though. I rang my local DV shelter - they put no pressure on me to make hasty decisions or even front up to their shelter, but did provide me with a listening ear on the other end of the phone...support and information that I could choose to access if I wished to (legal advice, therapy etc).

    Eventually I did decide to leave (decided I would rather live under a bridge - (not that it came to that) rather than put up with the insults and tension. Initially I struggled on my own but with time and work I discovered like many before me that I could cope on my own - had what it took to rebuild a safe and satisfying life for myself.

    I hope what I have shared helps - that you find your way forward.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  8. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    freshair (02-19-2018),weepingwillow (02-26-2018)

  9. #56
    Unregistered Guest
    Iím terrified. My boyfriend of five years smashed my car windscreen and side window yesterday with his fist as we were driving. He was in a rage. He was so angry it was terrifying ... Iím so alone , I donít feel like I can talk to anyone about his violence and verbal abuse.

  10. #57
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    Understand how it takes courage to open up and talk about the sort of stuff you describe - thing that helped me was to contact an anonymous help-line (have some links under the help tab in our header). I am sorry that your b/f feels it is ok to subject you to this sort of violence...to me it is just as scary as direct threats against you. Angry out of control displays like you describe have a chance of escalating - of intentionally or non-intentionally causing injury or even death to those in the vicinity. Can't tell you what to do but in your situation I would take this latest event as a real warning and pack my bags and leave. If I had no family or friends to help me maybe contact my local DV shelter.

    For you as you look at your options and find your way forward.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  11. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    AnyWoman (04-07-2018),freshair (03-26-2018)

  12. #58
    Unregistered Guest

    RE:

    - I am sorry you had to go through that. It's definitely not an easy thing to go through. But I hope that your next relationship he truly treats you the way a real man supposed to. But don't rush it. My true best advice is to take self defense class just so this type of situations won't ever happen to you again. Just be grateful you still alive and you got away and he best thank you for not pressing charges on a coward that he is for laying his hands on you.


    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    I got married to my husband at the age of 19. We were together for a little over a year when we made the decision to get married. He had been in the military for almost a year at the time. We knew we wanted to spend our lives together. He was always sweet and made me feel like I was a real life queen. He treated me with the upmost respect. I never doubted my love for that man. Once we got married our transition was really smooth thanks to the army. I dropped everything and moved away from home to be with him. He always struggled with his own past and I knew if I moved to be with him I would be able to help him get the help he needed and just take care of him. Everything was fine for a few months when one day I noticed he didn't look at me the same. I could see the hatred in his eyes. He would find any reason to get yell at me. He would make up scenarios in his head. He would blame me for literally anything that went wrong. For example, me not taking out the trash turned into me not caring about him. I had to pick up a lot of slack and walk on eggshells in hopes that nothing would trigger his anger. He would try to make me sleep on the couch, stand outside in the freezing cold, or kick me out of the house in the middle of the night in a town where I knew no one. One night in the middle of an argument he snapped. He had started physically abusing me and I was in complete shock. He had come from a family where the women in his life were abused by there ex's. He's watched it happen to his own family and would say that he would never lay a finger on me because of it. He lied. The first night, I was helpless and scared. I screamed, but no one heard me. I laid in bed as he choked me and hit me if I made any type of movement. The next morning he acted like it never happened. I was to scared to tell my parents because I thought he would find out somehow. I told myself that it was only one time and he would never do it again. Sure enough, he did. The second night, he got upset because I didn't take a blanket out of the dryer. This night, the abuse was worse than the first time. He ended up taking away my phone. He choked me time and time again. I thought that was it for me. I cried not because he was abusing me, but because I thought I would never see my sister again. The following morning I called my cousin who had just recently moved 3 hours away from me luckily. She was the closest person to me. I packed all of my stuff and my cousin came and got me. The next day I was on plane to go back home with my family.
    The hard part is building up the courage to divorce him. I didn't press charges. I didn't take the situation to the military. He still has his freedom. I still talk to him everyday. I still love him. But I know the best thing for me is to get a divorce and move on because I'll never feel safe with him again. When I bring up divorce he threatens to commit suicide. I can't leave him because if he isn't just crying wolf then I feel like it would be my fault and I can't have that on my heart. I hate how he has such a strong hold on me and is continuing to manipulate my life.
    Mod edit: religious references and identifying information removed.

  13. #59
    Unregistered Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Iím terrified. My boyfriend of five years smashed my car windscreen and side window yesterday with his fist as we were driving. He was in a rage. He was so angry it was terrifying ... Iím so alone , I donít feel like I can talk to anyone about his violence and verbal abuse.

    There is so many here that will alway hear you out. There so many people you can contact never feel like you are alone in this world because you are not.

  14. #60
    Unregistered Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by So stuck View Post
    I just don't know what to do ... I'm in a relationship that is killing me one day at a time ... I try so hard to keep the peace cause I do care about the emotional drama he is going through ... but he is so rude to me .. not picks at everything... all ways looking for a fight ... he never have anything nice to say .. he's a drunk and his behaviour is getting worse he's breaking things .. he landed up in hospital conscious... but he just can't see he has issues ... anyway I did so much for him today and he came home and got drunk then through our only source of heating by smashing it on the floor ... then I lost it I got up and pushed him to get him out of my room .. then his anger and his verbal abuse towards me got out of control ... I know I have to get out ... but I'm so isolated now from my friends a family because I have been so embarrassed...I just want to pack up and leave ... but all our money is tied together and I have no one to turn to .. to help me
    Wow, I am sorry you are going through this and I hope since then you moved on from the duche bag. Someone that drink definitely has not control over himself, well not a drunk. They can definitely very abusive, you should find help. I do also know that if you are being abuse hey can be taken out of the premises and in the meantime you can take some money out. Get as far as you can... Just my advice sometime you have to do whatever to get away and survive just for yourself . I live where a ton of people don't have no help nor seek for it and commit suicide and it hurts. to know they could of gotten help and they didn't. Amazing people also.

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