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Thread: Suicidal thoughts

  1. #1
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    Suicidal thoughts

    It would take a very long time to tell you how I got as broken as I am. Just... trust me when I say I’ve been hurting a lot, and for a very long time. Over two decades of abuse and pain...

    I’m here because I want more people in my life who understand what DID / MPD is. My mother, one of the people who’s tormented me in the past, doesn’t even accept the diagnosis and when she acknowledges it, it’s to mock me or make me sound like a monster.

    The one person who I loved, trusted, and cherished more than anything in this world, my rock, my beloved, my dream... my reason for living... he doesn’t love me anymore. He was everything I had left, after a lifetime of broken dreams and broken trust and pure agony, he was the only one who took the time to make me feel normal, to make me feel happy, to talk to my alters... to help them, to help me, to help us understand one another.

    And he promised me he’d always be there, he would always love me, he would spend the rest of his life with me—and it was a lie...

    Ever since, the thoughts of suicide—once, every few months, or every few weeks, have become daily, and on the worst days, hourly.

    People talk about happy endings after the dark times. It’s been said of Don Bluth, a famous film maker, that he once stated, “You can show a kid anything, as long as it has a happy ending.” To a lesser extent, we are taught that about life. That no matter what trauma you experience, you can still find the light and one day, you’re going to be okay.

    No one tells you what to do about when your happy ending ends. No one talks about after “happily ever after” when it turns out to be total bullshit. When the person you loved and trusted more than anything lies, when they abandon you, when everything you survived for just... disappears.

    I want to die.

    Not just because of him, or because I lost everything, or because I’m struggling to get through every day, or because all my plans for the future have been destroyed... not just because of all the other friends and lovers who’ve abused me or broken my trust... I’ve suffered for a very long time. I’ve fought for a very long time.

    Right now, I’m only alive for one person, and it sure as fuck isn’t me, and I just... don’t want this existence anymore.

    I’m done being a punching bag and a joke and a meal ticket and a mourner and a loner and a victim and a freak and a failure... I just want to stop being.

    But there must be something inside me that wants to live or I wouldn’t be trying to reach out for help. As badly as I want to just buy a gun and get it over with... I am still here..

    Hanging on by a thread, and nothing makes me happy anymore, I have no joy left in my being, none that I can find... but I am here.

  2. The following 2 users say thank you to Kiel_Farren for this useful post:

    freshair (01-18-2018),weepingwillow (01-18-2018)

  3. #2
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    Hi Kiel,

    Sorry so many have let you down...
    Thinking that many here can relate to feelings of hanging by a thread.

    I also came here looking to connect with those who understand DID/OSDD and am quite glad I did because I have been comforted to read about experiences of others that I would not have guess I was not alone in.



    Glad you joined us
    Looking forward to seeing you around
    ”Not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand but ultimately they are indistinguishable.” ― M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth

  4. The following 4 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    freshair (01-18-2018),Jane (01-14-2018),Kiel_Farren (01-15-2018),kittenlover (01-14-2018)

  5. #3
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    There are many times in my life when I've hung on by a thread. I think you'll find a lot of us here. All I know to do is sit with you and ask you to keep hanging on.

  6. The following 2 users say thank you to kittenlover for this useful post:

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  7. #4
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    Kindness & hugs.
    Kiel

    Hear your grief at the ending of a relationship that meant so much to you...the end of the support of someone you truly, felt understood and promised he would be there for you...the gap that has left in your life.

    As a person who lives with DID I understand how rejecting it can be to live with people who invalidate your dx. Is for this reason that I do not openly discuss it with anyone (only with my partner on a need to know basis). Is sad I know to reach the stage where this seems to be my safest option - would prefer it was otherwise. Reality is that it is not at all uncommon for people to deny the existence of things that make them uncomfortable - be it DID, same sex attraction, abuse and much more probably says more about their level of tolerance, acceptance of diversity than anything else.

    Think you will find the community here, knows how importance acceptance is...to be able to live in a world where people (even if they do not agree - have a different opinion) treat others respectfully as equals.

    For you if I may - a welcoming rose
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  8. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    freshair (01-18-2018),Kiel_Farren (01-15-2018)

  9. #5
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    I keep finding myself surprised by having more tears left to shed. I would've thought I'd run out by now, but somehow it's still so easy to fall into grieving or to crumble at a kind word. The only way I get through my day anymore is to bury my feelings as deep as they'll go, and hide behind my alters, and fake being okay for as long as I can until I get home and it's safe to breathe.

    I... no... we thank you for the welcoming messages. We're not used to speaking honestly in public. It'll take some getting use to, but, maybe it'll help.

  10. The following user says thank you to Kiel_Farren for this useful post:

    freshair (01-18-2018)

  11. #6
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    Tasha1701D is offline Fort Security Chief & Stargazer
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    Penguins & hugs work, no prayers or religious refs
    it's still so easy to fall into grieving or to crumble at a kind word.
    Really, really relate to this here.
    ~Tasha

    May you have peace, live long, and prosper.

    "On the starship Enterprise, no one is alone." ~Capt. Jean-Luc Picard in The Bonding, ST:TNG Season 3
    "Seize the time, Meribor-live now! Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again." ~Capt. Jean-Luc Picard as Kamin in The Inner Light, ST:TNG Season 5

  12. #7
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    Welcome. This is a great community for people dealing with DID as well as suicidal thoughts. I've dealt with both of those, in the past 24 hours, and can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I can understand being invalidated by those who are in a position that could provide support if they chose, and I can also relate to the pain of abandonment very well.

    You are not alone.

  13. #8
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    The waves keep coming.

    Another depressed, suicidal friend telling me to just forget about them, walking away when we need to support each other, when we need to fight this together to stay alive... 'you're better off without me' no, I'm not, and you KNOW I'm not, you know how afraid I was of being left alone, you heard me cry at night when others left my side, how can you pretend that this is for me?

    But I can't force them to stay, I can't make someone motivated, I don't have the strength to fight.

  14. #9
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    I'm sorry they left. I know how painful that is and how devastating it can feel. Please keep fighting for yourself. You called this a wave, and that is how I have been thinking of things lately too. I try to remind myself that I am not the wave. I may not be able to stop the wave, but I can remember that I am separate from it, and it will pass.

  15. #10
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    sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. I can relate to a lot of what you said. Being and feeling abandoned makes me feel sui. I'm sorry that someone promised to stay by your side and took off. That would be exceptionally hard for me to cope with. Not much useful to say really. Glad to hear you are managing to hang on. Totally understand frustration with your sui friend, but I also know what it's like to feel like everyone is better off without you around. Very common for people feeling sui in general.

    I hope coming here and talking helps you get a better grip on that string. if ok
    Currently dusting off my jumpsuit. Cover me!
    East is up.
    You can learn to levitate with just a little help.
    You're facin' down a dark hall/I'll grab my light and go with you.||-//

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