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Thread: Loving your Abuser

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2018

    Loving your Abuser

    Iím new to the forum. My name is Katie and itís great to meet you guys. I just exited a 3 1/2 year relationship with my ex boyfriend about 5 months ago, although more like 8 months ago, because 5 months ago I went to his place to get some leftover belongings and I was physically assaulted and called the police.
    I was systematically physically, verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused during the 3 1/2 years we were together. I have a new boyfriend now, and I havenít said anything to my boyfriend, but part of me still feels for my abusive ex. I know I should despise him, and I do despise his actions but he was still my boyfriend for almost 4 years.
    My ex will most likely be going to prison after being charged with felony domestic abuse. I have mixed feelings about my ex going to jail but I dropped charges back in 2016, although the state still tried him, but I felt like an idiot for dropping charges.
    Has anyone battled with still having feelings for your ex, even though you know your ex was the worst thing that ever happened to you, and caused harm that is interfering in your every day life? How do you deal with this? For anyone who was able to get through this period of time, how long did it take you? I know everyone is different. Thanks for all feedback!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Hi back Kate and welcome

    Can relate to what you describe - my feelings for hadmy ex also did not turn off the moment I shut the door on him... would have been easier if they did Kinda makes sense to me not all my memories were bad - was good stuff mixed in there too, missable, lovable stuff...just not enough to cancel out the bad stuff.

    Found it helped to give myself permission to grieve for what I had lost. Worked with a trauma T though to make sure that I did not get captured by an idealized image of what I had left (an easy thing for this generally looks at the world through rose tinted specs woman to do ). Helped me to look at my relationship in totality - good stuff bad stuff and see. Reinforced that I had made the right decision...that much as I loved him I deserved better than being the target of an out of the control man.

    Took a while but gradually with time and processing I was able to move on - consign my ex and my past relationship to my 'completed - finito file' and move on.

    Hope what I have shared helps - to see you when you are on-line.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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