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Thread: My Wife Hits Me

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    My Wife Hits Me

    This is my first time writing about what's happened on a forum like this. It started one morning on January 30, 2017 while in the kitchen. I don't know what happened, but she just lost it and slapped me in the face about 10 times, then I was in the bathroom and came back to the kitchen to check on the baby with a tooth brush in one hand and dental floss in the other when she flung me around, pushed me up against the wall and put her hands around my throat. She also punched me in the face twice. There have been over a dozen other instances. Amazingly no bruises - ever. It's like there's a monster inside her that just wakes up for no reason whatsoever and she hits me. The January instance was when we'd started going to therapy together to work on our relationship and not long in to it the therapist suggested she goes to get a psych eval because of a brain chemistry issue. I've kept on saying to myself, after this or this then I'm out. The biggest one for me staying in was our baby turning one in September 2017 and not wanting a divorce before then. Since then, I've gone to see a lawyer, paid money to have them draw up a divorce agreement, but she wants to do a contested divorce. In July I went to family services and they suggested I call the police, which I did and I filed a report. But there was no evidence and no witnesses. My 30 pages of documented emails didn't matter. Now she's pregnant with my child and she feels like she's got a free pass because I'd never call the police on my pregnant wife and put her and my unborn baby in jail. Once again, she's sneaky and does it where no one can see it. I'm not a wimpy man, not weak, never had a fight in my life, never been abused by anyone, didn't have parents that hit each other. I know she's not happy about doing this and most likely it's some sort of coping mechanism she has for something inside her, like some people turn to alcohol, well she turns to hitting me. Her history is that her and her previous husband hit each other too. It seemed like he was the violent one, but I'm starting to wonder. He doesn't hit his current girlfriend and this never happened with his wife before the one I'm married to now, so she's the common denominator. She's got me on GEO tracking. I've told my dad about this and some very close friends. I really don't know what to do. It doesn't seem to be going away. I'd hoped the pregnancy hormones would make things better and they did for a very short period of time, but there's been two times where she's slapped me now that she's pregnant. The last time I slapped her back. I feel absolutely horrible for slapping my pregnant wife, but it happened with her first husband too. I have a fear that even if we get divorced, that the next guy eventually will be getting yelled at and hit my her as well and my baby will be exposed to that. I'm hoping seeing the pregnancy doctor and saying things are off may get her some help, but I don't really see her being willing here. When I slapped her back, she made a big drama about it and threatened to call the police, but it'd be he said she said and no marks on her and no witnesses. Still the baby was there when I did it and I feel horrible that she's pushed me so far that I'm starting to lose control and that I may not respond well if he happens again. Now she's got no limits. She punched me in the mouth one morning while I was sitting on the bed holding the baby. I've tried to go to family services to get therapy for myself, but they don't offer it. Right now I've got two new dates in mind about getting out. First in December if the baby's not ok and won't survive then I think I might bail. Second is summer 2018 after the baby's born...if things aren't better, I bail. I don't want to go on like this another 10 years and lose years of my life because of constantly walking on eggshells.

  2. #2
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    Kindness & hugs.
    I am so sorry that you are living with someone who has decided to normalize physical violence as a way to deal with her emotional issues. I also agree with you that hitting back is not an ok thing - I believe that just gives mixed messages including tacit approval - that it's an acceptable way to deal with issues.

    I also understand that in the absence of evidence it becomes a case of your word against hers...also that one of your (imo very justifiable) concerns is the welfare of your children. I grew up in a violent home and prayed nightly that things would change - that someone would rescue me.

    In your position I would also be consulting a lawyer and doing whatever I legally could to not only protect my own interests but most importantly those of my children.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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  4. #3
    Unregistered Guest

    More verbal abuse

    On November 28th when my wife hit me the last time, I was really wishing it would end and I'd get away from her. I even had a momentary thought that I'd be happier in jail than having to deal with this. For me jail seemed like a safer place. That's how desperate I've become. Now I'm not going to do anything to end up in jail because I have to take care of my daughter and that's my absolute highest priority. I've talked a bit with some very close friends about that happened on the 28th and I even told me dad. If things start brewing again, then I need to leave the house no matter what. My lawyer has said the same. I talked with my dad today and said November was the first month in a quite a few months where I didn't stay somewhere else overnight to let things cool down.

    I was out with my 15 month baby girl a two days ago and a nice older woman was marveling at her and said that at about one year a baby has a 1000 word vocabulary. That they understand that much already but they can't say the words yet. Now I think it's really kind of cute because sometimes my baby girl is about to do something and I'll say something to her like I would an adult and she'll stop and not do it. I told my wife about our babies vocabulary and we both were very excited about it. Now I've had a feeling for the past year that when my wife is mad at me that the baby can sense it. Now that I sort of think she can understand what's going on, I really don't want my wife to ever argue with me when the baby is around. I'm even trying to use complete sentences with my baby girl, instead of saying something like no.

    That said, my wife lost her cool again tonight and even though I asked her very nicely to not yell at me or say the F word to me or other really mean nasty things about what a low life I am, which is her routine tirade with me -- she still did for about an hour. It used to tire her out and she'd have a hard time sleeping. I can only imagine what this does to the kidney bean size baby inside her belly at 8 weeks pregnant.

    She's also trying to isolate me, so I don't have contact with my friends. On Halloween there was a burst of temper from her and that day I went to a church that has advocates for domestic violence victims and got the ball rolling with that. I met with my advocate a 2nd time yesterday and it was good to get current with him. It doesn't change anything, but it felt better. We have to meet at a Walmart I go shopping at so it looks like a routine thing I'm doing because I'm still on GEO tracking. She's also trying to get at the money I make with my businesses. This week I had to open a new business bank account at a different bank so if things ever get really bad, I have the ability to continue on and take care of my baby girl. I met with a friend whose house I say at sometimes when things get ugly at home. I did some computer work for him and I had him meet me somewhere near his house, transfer the stuff to his car, drive back to his house in his car and leave my GEO tracking cellphone in my car. I didn't want my safe place to be found out by my wife.

    Now look, I can understand that my wife is pregnant and would rather not be working, but we need the money to make ends meet. This is a trigger for her on a routine basis. I want to cry when she yells at me and says I'm a horrible person. I can't do it in front of her or she'll use that against me too. It's all about control with her. I think in a way she was happy that I responded the way I did on the 28th because she finally got to me. I don't want to be controlled like that. Love and control don't work together.

    We have our first baby doctor visit next week and I hope everything continues to go well with the pregnancy and that mid summer 2018 we'll have another baby. That said, if things aren't a lot better then in the Autumn it's time for divorce. This is having an emotionally deteriorating effect on me. I feel like I'm in a really tough spot and that I can't leave while she's pregnant. She'd probably threaten me with an abortion and divorce. I pray for strength every day. I pray for forgiveness when I don't feel I'm living up to my standards in the treatment of others. I also try to keep it focused on one day at a time. There's a little more than 200 days left to go with the pregnancy. Hopefully I'll find the grace to get through it.

  5. #4
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    Oh man, what a way to live.
    Not my place at all to judge but I am so glad you are getting guidance from domestic violence folks and are making plans. I do recall somewhere that it is best when you need to leave temporarily to stay at a friends place, then stay at another friends place the next time and so on. I think it is an intentional technique on sharing the awareness of ones situation with a larger scope of folks so when it is time to make the leap for leaving, you have widened your support network over time.

    While current abuse issues are out of the scope of what Fort covers, I am so glad you are building your network of supporters and have 3D guidance from those who have helped others navigate the kind of situation that you are in.

    I do wish you and your little ones safety and security that every human deserves.

    Hope to see you register for membership in the future when the abuse is no longer an ongoing thing and you are needing support coping with the aftermath of it all.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  6. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

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  7. #5
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    Glad you now have support and a plan - a lawyer on your side.

    My thoughts are with you as you at this challenging time -

    For you and your delightful sounding little daughter.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  8. #6
    Unregistered Guest
    I'm sorry for whats happening. my mom emotionally abused me, my siblings, and our dad. she kept him from leaving by threatening us. I know you want whats best for your children but you should also think about yourself and try to get out as soon as possible (hopefully with your children). my dad was miserable. I know he loved us more than anything, but he was. you should contact a lawyer discretely and figure out a way to leave with custody of your children. it will only get harder as time goes on.

  9. #7
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    Sometimes it's easier to take certain steps in some places. Sadly some legal options aren't available everywhere. It sounds to me like you have a good handle on your situation and what you need to do to get out. I hope that the steps you are taking to safely get you and the children out of the situation are fruitful soon.
    "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." -- Robin Williams
    "Don't be afraid of the shadows, that only means there's a light nearby." -- Evanescence
    "So when you’re feeling crazy, and things fall apart, listen to your head, remember who you are." -- Three Days Grace
    "But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned. You try to tell yourself the things you tell yourself to make yourself forget." -- Counting Crows
    "Our brains are sick, but that's OK!"
    "Peace will win and fear will lose."

    "And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it, and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone."
    "It ain't the speakers that bump hearts, it's our hearts that make the beat!" -- twenty øne piløts |-/

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    Jane (12-21-2017)

  11. #8
    Unregistered Guest

    I feel like crying almost every day

    The title pretty much sums up how I'm feeling these days. Our wedding anniversary was pretty recently and even on that day, she lost control of her emotions and ripped in to me for hours. I felt horribly trapped because we'd driven out of town so she could do some shopping. I told her in the parking lot of one store we were at, that how she's treating me is making me want to walk away from this relationship. I was prepared to get out of the car and just walk away because I can't take it any more. It didn't end up that way, but I'm still walking on egg shells all the time. A close friend told me that "Hurt people, hurt people." Maybe my wife is in denial about the pain she has in her life and how she treats me as a result of it, but she just keeps on hurting me over and over again.

    Since my last post, I've taken more steps to prepare for a possible departure. Per my lawyers recommendation, I got a safe deposit box and I put my baby girls' passport in there so my wife can't take her and leave the country with her. Legally if we're married, she can take her anywhere she wants, even without my consent and as I observed this summer no one asks for any paperwork if you're leaving the country with a child, even if the childrens passport names are different than yours. I also put documents I might need in the safe deposit box. I've also got stuff I'd need to work and go on with my life at different friends places. I feel like I am living a double life. One where I am married, but the other where I am preparing for life post divorce. Everyone I talk with agrees with me that it's a good idea. Even my dad. It's like I'm buying an insurance policy for just in case. I'm taking these necessary steps, but I'm crying as I take them and angry with my wife for making me take them.

    As I was driving back to our home this afternoon I had a thought. All I want is a safe place to live and have my belongings. It seems that at any moment I may need to leave the house and never come back. Nothing seems sacred with my wife. She's broken picture frames with pictures of our wedding, broken some of my dead mom's China, taken the few items of clothing I have and more or less thrown them out on the front yard. Worst of all, she threatens to take my baby girl from me. I set a deadline of next summer when the baby is born as a try to hang in there until time frame, but lately even though there hasn't been physical violence, there has been plenty of emotional abuse still, I'm feeling I may not last until the summer. Sad as it may be to not be with my baby girl for a while until the legal stuff is worked out and sad as it may be to not be with my wife while she's pregnant with my baby, it may be necessary to walk away.

    When I last met with my advocate, I told him that I'd like to meet more often, like maybe every week. That wasn't possible last week because my wife was off work. I'm not sure I'm really getting a lot out of the advocate at this time, but I want to try it out anyway. My very close friends are just that, very close and very helpful, but I feel like I'm a burden on them. They don't say it, it's just something I make up in my own head. My wife can't be happy living this way and I can only imagine how badly she'd want things to change, or maybe she's not even aware. One sad realization I had is that most likely this will never change. I appreciate this forum being available here. Writing about what's going on with people that understand actually brings me some relief...let's my own hurt out.

  12. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
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    They should have advised you not to do couples’ counseling with an abusive partner. Your partner needs to seek advice for her abusive behavior. It’s not your fault that she is abusive.
    She has no right to engage in this type of behavior and I would suggest that if you can, financially, you keep separate residences until she gets the help she needs. No woman or man deserves to live with an abuser.

  13. The following 4 users say thank you to Kate3878 for this useful post:

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  14. #10
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    Hope things are falling into place as you go through this challenging (putting things in place ready to leave) time in your life. Agree that it seems wrong that adults can front-up to the departure desk with a child and leave the country - no questions asked. May help to talk to your lawyer about this one - your parental rights to maintain access to your biological child...how to act now to protect these.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  15. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Andy (01-13-2018)

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