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Thread: Don't know if this counts as abuse

  1. #71
    Join Date
    Oct 2016

    Not Alone

    This makes me feel a lot better about how I feel about my parents. What I struggle with most is validating how I feel, whether my hurts are legitimate. It's always been drilled into my head that I'm too sensitive, that I'm disrespectful when I voice that the things my parents do hurt me. I try to understand them, but I can't forget that they. hurt. me. What hurts most is they refuse to recognize it. The more I realize that people who take on the role of the abuser live in fear. I hope one day to fully realize that the being in the dark corner isn't a big scary monster, but a silhouette of mist that confuses me and doesn't make sense.

    I believe that the people who consistently hurt you have no solid basis upon which to give you validation. Over time when a person independently discovers his/ her own beauty, that's what counts. I can't keep waiting and hoping for my parents to change. They'll never understand that they put themselves before me, emotionally, that they emotionally dehydrate me.

    You're not alone in this feeling. I try to tell myself to look in the mirror and see myself with my own eyes, not my parents'. At the end of the day, I am the only person who will be there for myself 24/7.

    Wishing you love and healing

  2. #72
    Join Date
    Nov 2016

    Am I in an abusive relationship, or am I just going crazy?

    This is my relationship right now, with my boyfriend....
    He intentionally pushes all of my buttons and pulls at every nerve (insulting me, pointing out all my flaws), then he says it's "for my own good", he thinks he's making me stronger, thinks he's "training" me. He forces affection on me and admits that he does it just to piss me off, but when I do get pissed off, he retaliates at starts a fight with me. He tries to control me and my daughter, he tells me how to raise her because he thinks I'm not doing a good enough job. He criticizes everything about me, to the point where I feel bad about myself and he says "it's your fault you feel bad about yourself" and "since you feel bad about yourself, I'll make you feel bad about yourself too". He does all of this because he thinks (or claims) it helps me. He gets angry over small things, gets angry that I can't have sex right now because of pregnancy-related health issues (then he threatens to cheat on me) then screams in my face, throws things, breaks things, and when I retaliate with an angry response or cry from having a nervous breakdown, he only gets worse. One of our horrible fights, it was caused by a simple conversation about bills, I merely said that since I'll be on maternity leave (my already low income will be cut in half) and he is getting a huge raise and promotion at his job, that it might not be fair (or even possible) that I pay 50% of all the expenses. This sent him into an angry stupor, yelling at me, accusing me of being a "lazy *****" and not wanting to work. I try to explain that I can't work, since I am growing and carrying his child, and will have to stay home for a little while to take care of our new born child. This just makes him even worse, he says "Oh, so you'll have it easy, sitting on your lazy ass at home with the baby while I actually WORK to provide for you!" My daughter was in the house, she witnessed everything and heard him yelling at me, she saw me break down, huddled on the ground crying and hyperventilating (he would not stop yelling). Some of you may think I overreacted, or maybe I'm a drama queen, but having chronic depression/anxiety is not easy,especially when you throw pregnancy hormones in the mix. It traumatized her, she broke down too from seeing me in that state, and that broke my heart even more. She jumped to my side, holding onto me and crying, yelling at him and defending me.
    It shouldn't be this difficult, everything feels so difficult, I feel like I'm in a cage with high voltage bars, and each day the cage gets smaller and smaller, it's closing in on me.
    After our fights he apologizes and says he feels bad, that he loves me. He apologizes to my daughter too and tries to buy both us off, tries to buy our forgiveness with gifts or dinners. But the fights just happen again...they happen almost every day.
    All of my friends and family say that I should just leave him...that simple, huh? Just leave. Like it's that easy. The only thing is...where would I go? I have no one that I know in the city I live in who would house me and my daughter (and my unborn child). I would have two choices: Be homeless (in a high crime, highly homeless populated community) with my two children, and most likely get them taken away by C.F.S., or move back in with my parents (who live two hours away). The second option may seem like the better choice, but please try to see things from my point of view: my daughter's dad (from my previous marriage) and step sister and half brother live in our city, if we moved away, she would be distanced from her family and almost never see them again, she would also have to switch schools (again) and leave all of her friends behind. She has A.D.D., so huge changes in routine just mess her up. Also, I would have to abandon my schooling and completely forfeit my future career, flushing all of my invested time, money and effort down the toilet. Mine and my children's' lives would be turned completely upside down by either outcome.
    When ever I talk about leaving, he threatens me with things like taking our baby away from me and making sure he gets full custody, and replace me with some other woman to be our child's mother. He says that if I leave, he'll make my life a living hell. But I feel like I'm already in hell...and I feel like there's no way out. Not right now, anyways. I wish I could just leave him, I wish it were that simple. I think that my best option (at this point) would be to wait out the storm, once I am able to go back to work and I have my degree, get a well paying career so I don't have to rely on his money anymore and I'll be able to stand on my own two feet and be able to support myself and my children. I'll also be sure to get a good lawyer, a court order for him to pay child support and I will allow him (supervised) visitation rights for our child.
    How do I keep my sanity for the time-being?

  3. #73
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    PA USA

    idk, we can't really say if you're being abused or not, is up to you really whether you think it's abuse. Now, imo, his behavior is out of line at the very least but what one person can put up with and not feel abused is unbearable to others. You say forced affection, if you mean forced sex that is rape by law where I am - doesn't matter if you live together, are dating, married, etc., if you say no and he keeps going it's legally rape. A lot of the things you said he is saying are common in abusive relationships, such as saying he's making you stronger.

    Another thing I try to remember is that being in a relationship is a choice. It doesn't have to be abuse to leave. You can leave him if you don't like the way he chews or sneezes. I mean, you don't have to have a reason other than you are somehow unhappy with the relationship and don't wanna be in it.

    There may be local dv shelters that could help you if you feel you need to leave. They at least can give you insight on your rights in your area and may be able to provide you and your children housing. Things are a little different everywhere, so idk what the dv shelters where you are can do, but you can call them and ask questions without having to leave. They may be able to help you plan an exit strategy that doesn't require you to give up your hard work in school and your career. He can't just up and take the kids cuz you left him, just doesn't work that way and is considered kidnapping. Not to scare you, but in some places staying in an abusive relationship while a small child is at home is considered child abuse and can result in the kids going to foster care. Way bigger disruption imo than moving, even if it would be such a huge stressful move. I'm not saying it's easy (or fair), not by a long shot, and everyone's situation is different. Not telling you what to do, that is absolutely 100% up to you. I know it's not as easy as "just leave him", especially given you have a small one and are pregnant as well, just that you may want to look into the laws in your area to see what you can do and what you have to do by law. Far as I know being homeless isn't grounds to have your children removed, so that's not likely a concern.

    I am sorry to hear how you and your daughter are being treated. It's a terrible situation to be so incredibly unhappy in a relationship. Whatever you decide is best for you, I hope it pans out for you.
    Currently dusting off my jumpsuit. Cover me!
    East is up.
    You can learn to levitate with just a little help.
    You're facin' down a dark hall/I'll grab my light and go with you.||-//

  4. The following user says thank you to weepingwillow for this useful post:

    Jane (11-25-2016)

  5. #74
    Join Date
    May 2016

    So sorry you are in this position.
    I cannot speak for another, just myself.
    What matter isn't how I categorize the situation for you, but how you feel about it and if it is or isn't working for you or is or isn't harmful to the child, soon to be children.

    So, in line with speaking for me...
    I was in an abusive situation. I ended up going to a domestic violence shelter that my T referred me to. It was not as bad as many may think. I certainly would not have guessed it to be a safe place, but it actually was. The other women there were focused on getting their stuff together to leave asap. They were building resumes, applying for jobs, or food stamps, all with support of staff. No one was stagnant and no one was harmful to one another.

    Sure not all shelters are that way I am sure.

    So another situation, My child was a toddler, and I was living with my mom who was emotionally and verbally abusive. Sure, my immediate idea was that it HAD to be better than a homeless shelter. Well, I really wasn't feeling too good about exposing my child to her abuse, even if I was there to intervene and it was limited. After much personal deliberation, I decided... Well, option #1 is I KNOW my son is being exposed to abuse. While Option #2, a homeless shelter, idk. Maybe abusive, maybe violent, but idk.

    Often for me, the unknown is the most scary option.

    However, I took a huge leap of faith and decided to leave my mom's and enter the homeless shelter system with my toddler child.

    I will never regret making that decision for us. It really helped me to start owning my choices and taking back control of our lives.

    Sure, it could have turned out different.
    Sure, fear of the unknown coulda been worse and damaging.

    Yet, just simply saying...
    Sometimes our fear of the unknown is worse than reality of it.

    At my mom's, I knew there would be just verbal and emotional abuse, not physical.
    In the shelter, I had no idea what to expect. My biggest fear was physical assault.

    I ended up staying in the shelter about three months before I found a place on my own. Was not nearly as awful in real life as it was in my mind.

    Just saying cause sometimes I have prematurely have eliminated viable Options.
    IMO, not a good idea to eliminate ANY options while in crisis. All are viable. Yet, that is my opinion, no substitute for any other.

  6. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (11-25-2016),weepingwillow (11-25-2016)

  7. #75
    KurseTen Guest


    I went through a horrible expereince when I was younger and it reminds me of your situation. I'm glad you found someone that is worthy of you! I tild myself you cant appreciate the beauty of light without a defining shadow. we are able to appreciate the good, because we know what bad really is.
    I hope you have told him your story, if not when you do I hope he as understanding as he seems!

  8. #76
    Unregistered Guest

    restraining order

    can you get a restraining order for mental and emotional abuse as well as verbal?

  9. #77
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    can you get a restraining order for mental and emotional abuse as well as verbal?
    might wanna ask a lawyer in your country/state? laws differ from place to place, and we aren't qualified to offer legal advice
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  10. #78
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    I've been going over my history... I see a pattern in being incapacitated

  11. #79
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Been thinking about this whole subject...'is it or is it not abuse'.

    Clearly what constitutes legal abuse varied between counties cultures and even states. Bit is not too hard to pin down what applies in a particular area, can do this via the local DV shelter, or Community Law Centre or if you have the resources by checking with a lawyer. What I find less cut and dried is how to define behaviours that do not reach the legal thresh-hold needed to be called unlawful...a lot of the not ok behaviour I lived with (and found very distressing) fell into this category - upsetting but not outside the law...not things that the authorities had power to do anything about - or were interested in interested it. Things like being insulted, demeaned and emotionally manipulated, having no say in situations that impacted on me and such.

    Since coming to Fort I have realised that behaviour does not have to be illegal to have a serious impact on those who live with it. Indeed as a survivour of both illegal (rape and physical violence) and the not ok but not illegal stuff like that I mentioned above I now believe that any and all of these behaviours have the potential to cause trauma not only at the time but in the longer-term.

    I am now at the point of believing that it is immaterial whether what has upset me is legally defined as abuse...what is more important is what it was like for me to live through...whether I perceived it as traumatic, whether it has left me feeling hurt and damaged. It has left me feeling lesser, needing help and support to heal from.

    Have a personal example. As a child among other things I was blamed, punished and made to suffer for stuff that was outside my control. Later as an adult I had a relationship with a partner who also was quick to unjustly blame me. I found this aspect of their treatment of me hard to bear...could not take it in my stride. Other people may have been able to but my previous history made me very sensitive and reactive to what they were doing - continued to do even though I told them I found it unfair and hurtful.

    My thoughts for what they are worth.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  12. The following 3 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    eagle22 (09-03-2017),Manya (09-03-2017),weepingwillow (09-10-2017)

  13. #80
    Rin Guest

    I'm not sure if my mum is abusive or not, or what I should do about it

    Hello all, and I apologise in advance if my post is clumsily written. Not only do I struggle to talk about these things, I think I might be slightly concussed at the moment.

    I'm 28 years old and I'm an only child, and I'm still unfortunately living with my parents, who are miraculously still together. I'm unemployed and recieving support benefits right now, and moving out isn't really an option for me at the moment. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety which I am on medication for, and I've been struggling with type 2 diabetes for ten years now. Yes, I was diagnosed with it at 18.

    I used to think my mum was an angel. I used to think she protected me from my horrible miserable dad, who didn't like us and didn't care about us. He used to work a lot, so he wasn't home very often, and yes he used to be the one who punished me for doing bad things when I was little, so my child brain bought into it. Only within the past few years did I learn what was really going on then. Dad always felt pushed out and blamed for everything, I learnt to see him as a villain, and my mum was seeing another man and planning to take me away to live with him. He was a drug addict.

    Another important point I feel like I should bring up is my mother suffers with epilepsy, and has grand mal seizures. These tend to happen if she's tired, stressed, or hasn't taken her medication. I have been exposed to these seizures since I was very young and they're terrifying, and on many occasions have required hospital visits. Of course, this isn't her fault at all, but I think she knows how badly it affects us and how we both feel the need to keep her happy now.

    I self harm and the first time I cut was when I was nine. I think. I know I was still at primary school then. I don't remember much of it, but it was in the bath, and one of mum's razors was in reach. I remember when she saw it all she did was tell me to wear a long sleeved top and not let dad see. Nothing else was said about it. I was bullied a lot at school because I was a large girl, in height as well as weight, so maybe that was why I felt the need to do this, but I didn't feel like her reaction to it was particularly healthy, looking back.

    I remember when I left primary school I ginally had a few friends. Most of them were boys, I was a tomboyish girl. A lot of them probably only liked me because of my mum though, because she was a 'cool' mum. She bought them porn and let them smoke. I think she was just desperate for them to like me? I remember vividly about her making this truth or dare game for us to play. I know a lot of the things in it were rather inappropriate, kissing and stuff, but the worst was a card about a boy putting his hands up a girl's top or something. We were about 11 at the time.

    Secondary school was pretty bad for me. I went to a girl's grammar and never really fit in. They had strict uniform rules and because of my height and weight (for reference I am 6'2" and obese now, and I grew very quickly, I was probably about the same then) my parents struggled to get uniforms for me. I had big feet too, so I had awful man's shoes. I remember having an awful pair of tailored trousers that didn't even fit, because according to mum she couldn't get me grey trousers anywhere else. I only had one pair, and they didn't get washed until the weekend. My blazer didn't fit properly either and it was humiliating. Skirts were an option but until then I'd never really worn many girl's clothes, mum usually got me men's clothes, so I didn't feel comfortable in those at all. The few times I did wear one I was made fun of.

    My schoolwork declined and my relationship with my father got worse, we would argue a lot and he would get frustrated and hit me. Mum would hit me too, but somehow this was overshadowed. She'd also shout and throw things and break my stuff. But dad always seemed to be made out to be the evil one somehow. I couldn't concentrate, I got extremely anxious in classes, I couldn't do my homework, and this made things worse. I started self harming again, and when I was 15 I was in hospital for a few days because I overdosed on the antidepressants I was given at the time. I was often in the toilets cutting myself and being sent home. Mum would never really have any sympathy, I was just being a pain because she had to come and pick me up. Oh, and I was stressing her out. Which made her epilepsy worse.

    I managed to scrape together a handful of GCSEs thanks to private tuition but no one was really proud of me. I was a failure and I knew it. I got into college and failed there too. My first year was fine but I couldn't cope with my national diploma and dropped out. It was all too much.

    Since then I've not really done much with myself other than get worse mentally. I've tried volunteering and was employed part-time for a while, but I could never stick to anything. I was too anxious, too self-deprecating. Too tired as well! My diabetes is very poorly controlled. Mum never really knew what portion control meant and as a result, I struggle to control my eating habits now as well. She used to let me eat whatever. I remember her buying me big bags of chocolate, crisps, whatever, probably just to shut me up? I don't know. Or maybe to make her look like an even better guy compared to dad. Either way I honestly think that's why I was dianosed as diabetic when I was 18. And it terrifies me.

    Of course if I bring that up with mum its my fault. And I honestly feel guilty about it.

    Over the past few years anyway, things have deteriorated with my mum. I gained a new burst of self-confidence in my body when I went to college, and since then I've tried to dress in clothing I feel good in, but she usually tells me it looks bad. Or my skirt's too short, or its too tight, or whatever it is. I'm fat and ugly and I should cover up, I guess, but I don't want to, its the one thing I have that makes me feel good about myself.

    She's also very abusive with my dad, expects him to do everything and do the house up, yadda yadda. Now our house isn't amazing, but it belongs to us, and the morgage is paid off, and considering how things are in the UK right now, that's pretty good for a working class family. We have a stable roof over our heads and I feel like we should be grateful for it. But its never good enough for her.

    She's also started getting jealous with my recent relationship with my grandparents (her parents). My grandfather had a stroke earlier this year, and I have been helping to care for him, mostly just by being around for them and cooking. They've been grateful and not minced their words telling me this, which has been amazing for me, I've been so happy to help and its felt so good to feel useful finally. But mum doesn't like it, because SHE'S not getting praised, she doesn't get this, or that, even though she doesn't do what I do.

    What finally made me snap was yesterday. She started complaining about dad again, and I told her she shouldn'#t complain so much about him. It turned into an argument which ended with her snatching up the TV remote and smashing it around my head.

    I need to do something but I honestly don't know what. She terrifies me, this wasn't her first violent act against me, she often throws things but I honestly feel like she's given me concussion, and it terrifies me to think what she might do next. She feels absolutely no remorse. Not once have I ever got an apology from her. I think she'd have happily grabbed a knife if it was to hand and got me with that instead, and not felt bad about it, simply because 'I made her angry'. Is this good enough to go to the police with? I don't want to seem like a timewaster. Or is there any mental health services I can call, because I honestly think she needs help.

    Thanks if you bothered to read through this post. I'd really appreciate any input

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