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Thread: Domestic Violence

  1. #31
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    Hi just read your story. Is one that has aspects I can relate to. Especially the fact that my ex's bad behaviour was not taken seriously by others. Seems to me that like many other abusers he worked hard to preserve his public persona and reputation. To create the image of being a caring and good guy when doing this was in his best interest. Side thing that I look back on and wonder about is my input into creating and maintaining his 'false' persona...saying untrue stuff like...'broke my wrist falling on the stairs'...'don't know where I got that bruise - I bruise so easily - think I might have a clotting problem' ...'cat jumped up and knocked my favourite ornament over...shattered it' and so on. Think my cover-ups were driven by shame and misdirected blame.

    His and my cover-ups? Can see how these lead others to find it hard to believe me when I finally, started to talk about what I had been through. How they believed that I was running a very unfair vendetta against a 'good' guy...he of course lapped up this version of events, fed it and basked in his victimhood...no change really -for his own reasons and comfort he continued to not admit to or take responsibility for his actions...never has, probably never will. Understandably it was hard for me to be cast in the role of the abuser (yep I had done stuff in reaction to his nastiness. Got mouthy when my cajoling and appeals didn't work and I got to the end of my tether... guess everyone has a breaking point) but no way did I initiate abuse.

    Thing that I found helped (it took a lot of control and resolve) was to believe my own truth - to try and not respond to others opinions and reactions. Meant avoiding and not reacting to some conversations, changing my relationship to some of my family and former friends and most of all reminding myself that I did not have to buy into others opinions and judgements. Yep I did feel the need for support, realised the value of this...but got much more discerning about where I sought it. One good choice I made was to work with a trauma T...one with the experience and training needed to listen and hear...help me get back on track. Did not discover this site till late in the piece but coming here...being part of a community who shares at least some of my experiences and issues has also helped me to feel less alone.

    For you if I may
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  2. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (09-10-2017),weepingwillow (09-10-2017)

  3. #32
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    it might sound strange and idk if relevant, but wanted to share.
    the more i think about things, like, over the years, the more i realize that a lot of people spend a lot of time focusing on things that just dont matter. like your extended family. i dont mean to say your pain doesnt matter of course, not at all. or that your husbands story might have been true to some extent. its not what im saying. but to your extended family, in the practical every day sense, it really shouldnt matter whats going on with your relationship. thats secondary. what matter a lot more is that you should be safe, healthy, happy with where you are in life and where you are going, that your kids are also safe/healthy/happy, that you love your family and trust them, and that they love you and trust you, etc. thats what matters bottom line imho. the rest is details. and i think sometimes people just dont see forest for the trees, they focus on less important details, like who pushed whom where when why, and ignore the bigger picture. which is what matters the most imho.

    when i was younger i kept trying to straighten out these disagreements, cuz someone was misunderstanding, missing information, having false information, etc, drawing wrong conclusions as a result, perhaps judging me, etc. and so i was eager to clarify my position, to explain to them that they are mistaken, that what happened was totally different from what they imagine, etc. but now i think that these discussions just dont need to be had, maybe. that getting dragged into them, dropping to that level, defending myself, justifying, inviting the person to see things from my perspective, etc - that basically just invites them to continue judging me, deciding if im right or wrong. while thats not the relationship i wanna have with them, you know?

    i do want understanding, empathy, support, etc. of course i do, everyone needs it. but i think maybe im not willing to fight for it anymore? know what i mean? if im not getting this understanding and empathy and support that i want, on some relatively small specific incident/issue - maybe i dont wanna wrestle for it, maybe id rather just put this issue aside and focus on the bigger picture, and invite the other person to focus on the bigger picture too. yeah, they think im wrong, and im sure they are wrong, but does it mean we cant be friends/relatives/etc anymore? sometimes it does. other times it doesnt, it could be that we still care for each other, despite this issue.

    and sometimes i just ask them directly, if this difference of opinion we're having is gonna be a deal breaker for them or not, if they feel we have to resolve it in order to continue the relationship, or we can agree to disagree, put it aside, and remain friends?

    or, if its not even about friendship/love anymore, if that part is ruined beyond repair, and now we're trying to figure out if we can remain civil or need to break contact entirely - sometimes helps me to just get practical about things. like with your family - it doesnt affect them any, whether youre the horrible abuser your ex claims you are or not. even if they believe him totally, and condemn your behavior, and all that - how does it affect practical life? clearly you arent a violent loon assaulting everyone around, so not like they fear for their safety, or for the safety of your children, and the husband who claims to have been abused by you is now gone and out of the picture, so his safety is not a concern either. so what practical difference does it make to them, if you abused him or not, why cant they put the issue to rest? not that they have to, their life, their choice, it just helps me to think of these things, sometimes, to figure out where i myself am standing, if i want this relationship or not, how i wanna proceed with it, etc. whether i wanna perceive it as betrayal or as pettiness, too narrow perspective, etc.

    idk, i'll stop rambling, just made me think of these things. for you
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  4. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (09-10-2017),weepingwillow (09-10-2017)

  5. #33
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    Why cant i let go of my abusive husband??? I just cant do it and im miserable

    I have been with my husband for 11 years married almost 8. In the beginning it was amazing. He seemed soo caring and gard working in the small town where we met. He didnt work but in that town there were no jobs but he always made sure we had what we needed. Fast forward a few years i got a great job. I became the breadwinner of the family and he began drinking..... Before i got my job he became very abusive physically to me and controlling. Refusing to ever talk or communicate and using violence as a way to keep me in line. I have yet to feel safe to express anger or disappointment towards him. He is physically mentally emotionally abusive. He gas gone through spurts or honeymoon phases where ge wouldnt hit me but the neglect and name calling continued. I am last on his list and treated like ***. I finally called police and had him out then o kept feeling pressure from his family to bring him home and i did. I missed him..... why???? I dont know. I *** hate him amd love him i am soo confused but i know im only waiting for the inevitable..... divorce..... how do i get there. I am my own worst enemy.....

  6. #34
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    Hear how hard it is to make a break from your partner. Was a bit like that for me too. Abuse kinda crept on me - his transition from loving to not ok behaviour was a gradual thing...and even at its worst parts of my relationship and his behaviour worked. Problem was the good times did not outweigh the bad and overall I felt rejected and unhappy.

    What helped me was to contact my local DV centre - staff there helped me to explore my options and when I did decide to leave helped me to plan for this...look at the help available for people in my situation. Thinking about leaving was hard, leaving harder, however now I look back and see that it was the best choice for me.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  7. #35
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    My ex did something similar. He started actually punching himself in the face and said he would call the police and have me arrested if I did not obey him. That was my last straw before leaving.

    We have shared custody and he violates it left and right. I have to jump through so many expensive legal hoops to try and get him to follow it.

  8. #36
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    Have had the tables and blame turned on me...sucks.

    Frustrating to have to (or at least try to) refute these kind of lies - ones when it is your word against your abusers - in my case an abuser who presented to others as a caring wouldn't say an unkind word to anyone sort of person. To know that your word was the one being doubted. I agree with manya that not being believed is not ranked up there as the biggest thing - however at the time it mattered enormously to me. Looking back I can dismiss this behavior as that of a manipulative man but at the time it caused me enormous stress. Probably was one of the things that finally made me decide that I had to leave.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  9. #37
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    welcome

    I agree with Jane. I use to think I was the only one that had gone through DV until I found this site. Everyone here has been very supportive and understanding. When I first started opening up with people I knew about what I had gone through and about what happened to me, everyone seemed to be in shock that I could be a victim. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I "allowed the abuse". It's been almost 2 years and I still feel like this at times, but I can honestly say that it has gotten slightly easier and it has helped to talk to people about it. I do a lot of things to help myself heal from the trauma of the DV though. And some days it is a struggle not to just break down crying. But people I've met on here seem to listen and understand. Even though it's heart-breaking at times knowing there are so many out there being abused, it can be comforting to know that there is someone else out there that really and truly understands. Welcome to the Fort! I hope this helps.
    "Don't wait for your feelings to change to take action. Take actions and your feelings will change." -Barbara Baron

  10. The following user says thank you to freedom2016 for this useful post:

    Jane (11-25-2017)

  11. #38
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    So relate to what you have shared freedom - even while knowing that DV was not that uncommon - that it was mostly hidden behind closed doors, that victims for a multitude of reasons do not reach our for support did not protect me from becoming held captive by the sick dynamic of an unhealthy relationship.

    If anyone had told me this was how it would be ahead of time I would have laughed in there face - no way.

    Truth is an abusive relationship often does not start this way...nor are abusers all bad. In my case there was enough good to give me hope that somehow I would be able to get through to this man I loved - get him to become the partner I so wished him to be.

    Thing I didn't factor in was that he was happy being as he was - saw no reason to change. Was not until I accepted that I had no control over this decision that I was forced to face the reality of my situation that I had the choice to accept him as he was or walk away. It was hard - incredibly hard but I chose the later.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  12. #39
    Unregistered Guest

    My Wife Hits Me

    This is my first time writing about what's happened on a forum like this. It started one morning on January 30, 2017 while in the kitchen. I don't know what happened, but she just lost it and slapped me in the face about 10 times, then I was in the bathroom and came back to the kitchen to check on the baby with a tooth brush in one hand and dental floss in the other when she flung me around, pushed me up against the wall and put her hands around my throat. She also punched me in the face twice. There have been over a dozen other instances. Amazingly no bruises - ever. It's like there's a monster inside her that just wakes up for no reason whatsoever and she hits me. The January instance was when we'd started going to therapy together to work on our relationship and not long in to it the therapist suggested she goes to get a psych eval because of a brain chemistry issue. I've kept on saying to myself, after this or this then I'm out. The biggest one for me staying in was our baby turning one in September 2017 and not wanting a divorce before then. Since then, I've gone to see a lawyer, paid money to have them draw up a divorce agreement, but she wants to do a contested divorce. In July I went to family services and they suggested I call the police, which I did and I filed a report. But there was no evidence and no witnesses. My 30 pages of documented emails didn't matter. Now she's pregnant with my child and she feels like she's got a free pass because I'd never call the police on my pregnant wife and put her and my unborn baby in jail. Once again, she's sneaky and does it where no one can see it. I'm not a wimpy man, not weak, never had a fight in my life, never been abused by anyone, didn't have parents that hit each other. I know she's not happy about doing this and most likely it's some sort of coping mechanism she has for something inside her, like some people turn to alcohol, well she turns to hitting me. Her history is that her and her previous husband hit each other too. It seemed like he was the violent one, but I'm starting to wonder. He doesn't hit his current girlfriend and this never happened with his wife before the one I'm married to now, so she's the common denominator. She's got me on GEO tracking. I've told my dad about this and some very close friends. I really don't know what to do. It doesn't seem to be going away. I'd hoped the pregnancy hormones would make things better and they did for a very short period of time, but there's been two times where she's slapped me now that she's pregnant. The last time I slapped her back. I feel absolutely horrible for slapping my pregnant wife, but it happened with her first husband too. I have a fear that even if we get divorced, that the next guy eventually will be getting yelled at and hit my her as well and my baby will be exposed to that. I'm hoping seeing the pregnancy doctor and saying things are off may get her some help, but I don't really see her being willing here. When I slapped her back, she made a big drama about it and threatened to call the police, but it'd be he said she said and no marks on her and no witnesses. Still the baby was there when I did it and I feel horrible that she's pushed me so far that I'm starting to lose control and that I may not respond well if he happens again. Now she's got no limits. She punched me in the mouth one morning while I was sitting on the bed holding the baby. I've tried to go to family services to get therapy for myself, but they don't offer it. Right now I've got two new dates in mind about getting out. First in December if the baby's not ok and won't survive then I think I might bail. Second is summer 2018 after the baby's born...if things aren't better, I bail. I don't want to go on like this another 10 years and lose years of my life because of constantly walking on eggshells.

  13. #40
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    I am so sorry that you are living with someone who has decided to normalize physical violence as a way to deal with her emotional issues. I also agree with you that hitting back is not an ok thing - I believe that just gives mixed messages including tacit approval - that it's an acceptable way to deal with issues.

    I also understand that in the absence of evidence it becomes a case of your word against hers...also that one of your (imo very justifiable) concerns is the welfare of your children. I grew up in a violent home and prayed nightly that things would change - that someone would rescue me.

    In your position I would also be consulting a lawyer and doing whatever I legally could to not only protect my own interests but most importantly those of my children.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  14. The following 3 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    eagle22 (11-29-2017),Manya (12-05-2017),weepingwillow (12-19-2017)

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