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Thread: Confusing abuse

  1. #1
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    Confusing abuse

    I was in middle school, 12 I think. He was my 8 th grade religious education teacher. It was slow starting. Just him caring about me, spending time with me, talking to me, noticing me. Then he made a comment saying he wished I was older. I felt uncomfortable. But I didn't want to loose this one person who seemed to care about me. Then he asked me if he could kiss me and I told him to take me home. But again I wouldn't let him go, I kept talking to him. I needed that love because where else would anyone care about me. It kept escalating and eventually I did kiss him, have sex with him, sneak off to meet him. Lie to my mom, teachers, friends. This went on for over a year. He was 45 or so and I was just 12 or 13. It was a relationship in my eyes, he was my boyfriend. I thought he loved me and I thought I loved him. He told me that if God didn't want us to be together he would end it. I was catholic, and I believed him. When we got caught the state pressed charges, my dad made me keep it from my mom. He tried to convince me to run away with him, I was terrified. He kept seeing me even with his ankle tracker, finding ways to contact me and meet me and have sex with me. As my sophomore year of HS started I just wanted to escape him, I broke up with him. I had to testify against him but I lied and said it was all me being aggressive and trying to get him. That I wasn't a virgin and had partners long before I met him and it was me trying to seduce him. I was probably 16 at the time I went to court. I'm not even sure what happened to him. I'm sure it wasn't good. I met my now husband while I was still messed up with my abuser. It was my sophomore year of Hs and I broke up with my abuser after I met my now husband. I KNOW my running into another relationship was an escape, it was me running from him. But I wouldn't change it now. My husband is and has been from day one the most loving and understanding man I've ever met. He knows my history and he loves me. We've been married for nearly 14 years and have beautiful kids. My problem is I know my past still haunts me in how I raise my kids, in my sexual relationship with my husband, in my confidence or lack of. I have anxiety and sometimes depression. I still have trouble seeing him as an abuser instead of a relationship. I feel like it was my fault too. I still worry that he could be hurting because he loved me and I left him. I'm a confused mess and I'm in therapy online because I can't talk about it face to face...still I feel like I'm the only one who has had this type of abuse, where it didn't even feel like abuse and i thought I was in a loving relationship. Please tell me your story if you can relate, tell me I'm not alone.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    for you, im sorry that man done it to you.
    i relate, i had what i thought was a consensual relationship with an adult when i was 12. i broke it off the same year - felt horrible about it, but it just was too weird all around, i didnt know how did it get myself into this mess or how to get out of it. didnt report it, felt i was just as guilty, if anyone is guilty at all, just some weird relationship thing, grownup relationships are complicated, etc, it musta been my fault cuz i clearly have no clue what im doing here, somehow misled this person into thinking we could be a couple, now dumping them - really not the right way to handle romantic relationships, my messup entirely, etc.

    thing is though, im 40 now, so my perspective has changed. a 12yo child is not my peer. we cant have romantic relationships with each other cuz they are a child and im an adult, we're not in the same league. i mean, this is what a 12yo girl looks like:

    920x920.jpg

    this isnt someone i could possibly have a romantic relationship with, we arent equal, its a child, she doesnt understand what romantic relationships are altogether, any sort of sexual interactions with her would be a violation, taking advantage of her, statutory rape, felony. it isnt love. no sane 45yo could genuinely believe that they are having a love relationship with a 12yo, its impossible. and if someone is criminally insane - they should really be in a locked facility cuz they are out of touch with reality. either way its not the childs fault or responsibility. you were child violated by an adult, it wasnt a complicated romantic relationship, it was a violation. im truly sorry it happened to you
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  3. The following 4 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    eagle22 (10-08-2017),Jane (10-08-2017),Reblisa (10-08-2017),weepingwillow (10-09-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    I am so sorry that this predatory man took advantage of your neediness and vulnerability to groom you...shape your thinking and to minimise the crime he knew he was committing. I am glad he got caught but very sorry that you are still struggling to free yourself from his very false messages and criminal actions...to heal from being a sexual target. This man plain and simply was a paedophile who saw an opportunity to hook you in - keep you hooked in...you on the other hand were an inexperienced and (like most 12 yos probably impressional) easily flattered by adult attention child.

    Idk if you have considered working with a trauma T - helped me - helped me to put the blame where it belonged and to process and heal from the turmoil my early experiences were still having on my adult life.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  5. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Reblisa (10-08-2017),weepingwillow (10-09-2017)

  6. #4
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    I don't think it's uncommon to have trouble reframing "this was a relationship that I participated in, I hurt him" to "he took advantage of me as a child". You don't stay with an abuser if you don't think you love them generally. Lots of people spend time trying to figure out what they did wrong to cause the abuse. Being a kid you would have even less life experience to help deal with this.

    I was in a coercive rape type of situation and thought everything was my fault, even went back over to see him because he'd apologized. There was some "I can't help myself" in there. It's been 16 years and I still feel some guilt over this. He threatened to kill me, and at one point I had to have him removed from my house by police. Yet I still feel like I failed him. Working on that.

    It sounds like in your mind, at the time, you were in a consensual relationship. You thought of it that way for years, and that's what it was to you. Sounds like you didn't realize it was an abusive situation until he got caught, so I would personally be very confused. People have boyfriends all the time, people have sex with their boyfriends all the time, so why is it not ok for me to have sex with my "boyfriend".

    Unfortunately healing from abuse is not a quick thing, and it's unfair (for lack of a better term) that we live with effects for the rest of our lives. I am glad to hear that you have the support of your husband and a t. I hope that helps you to heal from this.
    "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." -- Robin Williams
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  7. The following 2 users say thank you to weepingwillow for this useful post:

    Manya (10-09-2017),Reblisa (10-10-2017)

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