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Thread: 10 years later

  1. #1
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    10 years later

    I was just a teenager and with my first serious boyfriend whom I was pressured into having sex with. After a couple weeks I tried to tell him I just wasn't ready for that kind of physical relationship and he turned very violent. He headbutted me and raped me that day while I was still bleeding from his blow and we had been together long enough that I didn't realize he had me completely brainwashed. My mother was an alcoholic at the time and was not someone I could go too. I believed it was my duty to give him sex and for the next 6 months the violence only got worse and he threatened me with a gun. Then he started to let his friend touch me while he held me down. I lied to everyone about my bruises and fractures ribs and he had me so under his control I thought it was my fault and he would force me to get on my hands and knees and beg his forgiveness for "forcing" him to be that way and to cheat on me very openly. When I finally gained the strength to leave him I never spoke of my trauma or experience except to my gyno who told me he had permanent scarred me inside. (it did not affect my fertility thank god) but I ended up undergoing surgery to remove abdominal scar tissue that only one person (my best friend) besides my gyno knows he caused. Him and his friend stocked me for 2 years afterward. I never went to counseling but started having panic attacks about 5 years ago that they put me on meds for. Now 10 years after the fact I still get flash backs and nightmares occasionally and it does affect my sex life with my current boyfriend sometimes. I've only dealt with this by burying it and about a year ago a close relative of mine began dating him and turned on me saying it never happened and it started a whole new wave of anxiety because he now knows where I work and has contacted me. My mother has admitted that she knew some of the abuse happened and has been very supportive.I want to go to counseling but I feel very stupid and pathetic that it still affects me 10 years after the fact and even the thought of saying the things I've typed here out loud send me into an anxiety attack and its just the tip of the ice burg. Should I still consider getting help? Could I have ptsd?

  2. #2
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    I am so sorry that you were subjected to the cruel and criminal behaviour your describe...that you continue to live with its long-term effect. No one deserves that.

    For me making the decision to work with a counselor/therapist was not an easy one...just thinking about doing so filled me with fear. Fear...that I would clam up, that they would judge me...think that I should have known better how to protect myself and much more. Long story short I finally did face my fears and make an appointment and am glad I did. Thing I discovered is that therapists are trained to work with traumatised people - to help them process and deal with tough memories. I remember that it took me a number of sessions before I was able to even talk about my experiences - this was ok with my T...she reassured me that it was fine for me to progress at my own pace...to listen to my body and respect and be guided by its reactions/readiness to reveal and deal with the feelings and after effects of the wrong that was done to me.

    For you

    ps - Just a headsup as mentioned in our intro blurb no one here is qualified to diagnose - eg to confirm that you have ptsd. This requires an indepth face to face assessment by a medical specialist or therapist.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    weepingwillow (09-15-2017)

  4. #3
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    Relate to a lot of what you've said here. I think the anxiety is probably common. These are things we never talked about, things that it wasn't safe to talk about, so to suddenly share them with a relative stranger is a scary thought. I also felt that since it had been so long I should be over it or had no right to still be effected, or what have you. I functioned up to that point and figured I should be able to continue doing so. I probably could have, but my mental health would have continued to deteriorate. Starting t was a great thing for me. It took me quite a while to be able to talk about trauma stuff, but I worked on other stuff in the mean time. Healthy confrontation, assertiveness, emotional management, social anxiety, etc. It was very useful for me.

    Can't tell you what to do, but my experience with t has been overall very positive so I'd definitely suggest it to people.

    for you. These are tough memories at any time to deal with.
    "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." -- Robin Williams
    "Don't be afraid of the shadows, that only means there's a light nearby." -- Evanescence
    "So when you’re feeling crazy, and things fall apart, listen to your head, remember who you are." -- Three Days Grace
    "But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned. You try to tell yourself the things you tell yourself to make yourself forget." -- Counting Crows
    "Our brains are sick, but that's OK!"
    "Peace will win and fear will lose."

    "And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it, and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone."
    "It ain't the speakers that bump hearts, it's our hearts that make the beat!" -- twenty øne piløts |-/

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