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Thread: I feel so lost and confused.

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    I feel so lost and confused.

    On Thursday night, I visited my boyfriend at his house, things went great and we were having a good time watching our favorite show together. It was getting late and I decided to head home, we had made an agreement before I had come over that his roommate would be giving me a ride home since I am without a car right now. Unbeknownst to me his roommate had left shortly after I had gotten there and was gone for the night. He offered for me to sleep on the couch as he only has a single bed as of right now and it's incredibly uncomfortable for us to both be sleeping on it. I had traumatic experience back in college where I had been sleeping on a friend's sofa and her apartment had been broken into that night and I was raped. So now I am very uncomfortable and anxious when I sleep at unfamiliar places. I insisted that he at least lay with me until I fell asleep but he refused and told me he was tired and going to bed. As I laid on the couch for about an hour , my anxiety got the best of me. My thoughts could not stop racing and my body felt in panic. I walked into his room and asked if I could lay with him and he flew off the handle, he got up from his bed to where I was standing and pushed me as hard as he could out of his room and slammed the door in my face. I pleaded with him to just let me use his phone to call my mother so she could pick me up as I had left my phone at home by accident because I had left in a hurry while going to his house but he refused and this seemed to set him off more, he then took me by my arms as hard as he possibly could and slammed me back onto the couch and by that time I was crying uncontrollably and was trying to free myself from his grip, he began saying that he wanted to kill me and bury me in the backyard and that he was going to go to prison that night. I finally was able to free myself and left the house at 3am in the morning with only a t shirt and boxers. I ended up walking 11 miles barefoot across town back to my house. I haven't been able to stop crying since, my whole body aches and I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with this. I need advice because I don't know how I'm going to make it though this. I loved this man, in the 7 months we were together I have never disrespected him , Ive financially supported him the 4 of the 7 months to help him get back onto his feet after losing his job. I did everything i possibly could for this man, how could he do this to me? I'm so lost.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    I am sorry what was meant to be a pleasant visit turned into a distressing event for you. Imo it is your partner's right to not share his bed with you - to say he did not want to do this. Was not his right to treat you badly and threaten you when you got upset and panicky. Seemed a reasonable enough request to use his phone to ring your mother think it says more about him (his lack of control) than you imo.

    In your situation I would probably be thinking hard about my relationship with this man also remembering to make sure I have a taxi fare home and a charged phone before I venture for an evening out.

    Also real sorry to hear that you have a history of rape...that the aftermath of this interferes with your ability to feel safe sleeping away from your own home. In a similar situation I worked with a trauma therapist and it helped - not saying this is right for you...but was for me.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    eagle22 (08-07-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    May 2016
    he began saying that he wanted to kill me and bury me in the backyard and that he was going to go to prison that night
    Depending on the circumstance...
    I likely would have called police while walking barefoot home. Also likely woulda filed for an order of protection if I felt he may follow through with harming me. Well since he did put his hands on you, I see nothing stopping him from doing that again.

    I say depending on the circumstance because it would first need to be my decision to not expose myself to such a person who has crossed many lines like that. Cause it doesn't make sense to call police or file an order to protect me claiming I fear for my life, when in fact I intend to see him in a week, so I simply don't know where you are at with this. Also, I can't assume where anyone else's personal boundaries are and what is ok for them.

    If someone wanted to go a route to call authorities or get an order of protection, likely could be best to get the support of a helpline person who works with that sort of thing, to understand how to protect oneself safest way possible and what doing so entails. We have a tab at the top for "Help" resources.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  5. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    eagle22 (08-07-2017),MagicPlayLand (08-16-2017)

  6. #4
    Join Date
    May 2017

    my opinion...

    I understand about feeling confused about what to do. I understand being in love with someone but regardless, in my opinion, you have to protect yourself and think of yourself first. When it comes to safety, you can be selfish. This site has an awesome library and the thread entitled "Cycle of Abuse" helped me understand some things. Personally, I think if he wanted you to stay the night, he could have just as easily offered you the bed and him sleep on the couch (just my opinion). But regardless of the situation and how upset someone gets, there is absolutely no excuse for someone to put their hands on someone else. I'm sorry, but maybe an Order of Protection may be a good idea. In my situation, I ignored my husband's threats for months. I never filed a report, I never documented the abuse, I only took a few pictures of the bruises instead of the hundreds I could have, I never called 911..... now that we're divorcing and we're going to trial (because he's denying the abuse and trying to get partial custody of our kids), I wish every day that I would have just made one phone call or filed one police report. Even if nothing comes from it, at least you'll have a paper trail to show that he made the threats. You can't go back and do it later. Again, just my take on the subject. My trauma counselor has helped me a lot with dealing with what I went through and helping me understand how the mind processes trauma. It helped explain why I react to certain situations now and helps me calm down when I feel myself getting anxious about something. Mindfulness meditation was recommended for me and I was told that it helps "heal your mind" from trauma. I hope this helps. Good luck with everything. I hope you're able to heal and get past everything you've been through.

  7. The following 2 users say thank you to freedom2016 for this useful post:

    Jane (08-07-2017),MagicPlayLand (08-16-2017)

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