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Thread: Thoughts about this Incident

  1. #1
    RichLOX Guest

    Thoughts about this Incident

    Good day and thanks for reading this post. I posted a couple of threads a couple of months back and really liked the feedback I received. So, I decided to make another post about a situation that happend between my fiance and myself. If you read my previous posts, you know that I am in a relationship where both my fiance and I have demonstrated abusive behavior.

    A few days ago, my fiance and I got into a very big argument. During the argument, my finace stressed that our tentative marriage date in October was delayed (which given our issues, I have no problems with). Anyways, in a down time during this argument, I decided to text my good friend and coworker who is also our office scheduler. I wanted to tell him that I would not be needing any time off in October for my wedding. In my text to my coworker, I just stated that my fiance and I were having "issues" and that the wedding plans were delayed. I did not explain and was not planning to explain about the whole abusive nature in my relationship, just leaving it at "issues." Anyways, my fiance read that text message and accused me of trying to embarass her. So, she threatened to tell everyone I know (family, daughters, friends, coworkers) through text messages and Facebook of my abusive behavior if I did not text my coworker back, detailing my abusive behavior.

    So, is this behavior abusive on either my part or my fiance's part??? I will say that my coworker knows that my fiance and i have been having relationship issues by the amount of time I spend on the phone sometimes with her while at work. So, these "issues' are no surprise to my coworker. However due to these threats from my fiance, I was forced to reveal more details than I ever planned to discuss with anybody. I know my coworker would not tell anyone what I wrote in my text message, but I still felt very uncomforatble having to send such a text.

    Am I taking this too seriously and trying to spin it in my favor??? Or is this abusive behvior on the part of my fiance???

    I welcome any and all comments/opinions.

  2. #2
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    I am not so used to speaking much about possible current abusive dynamics, simply since the focus on the site is more dealing with the aftermath of abuse, so am more used to speaking about topics surrounding coping with the aftermath of abuse.

    I cannot tell you if someone is behaving abusively. Usually dynamics are actually, well, ...dynamic. Often when a person is in an abusive relationship, the abuse is not simply flowing one way. Also, often what sounds like abuse when hearing part of a story, may actually not be. So imo, not a good idea for me to judge if One is being abusive.

    For example... (ex )BF told our marriage counselor that "she is abusive." He relayed a story of me throwing his food out the window in the freeway. So yea, many could say that is a controlling move I made. Many could think I did so out of anger, wanting to punish him. Well, that wasn't the case. MC literally believed I was behaving abusive, that is, until I had a solo session with him to describe the context and meaning of my behavior. My kid and I were in his car. He was driving over 60mph, AND using sppon to eat the last bits of his food. He literally had NO hands on the wheel, and the more food that was gone, meant the deeper he was digging into his cup to get it, taking his eyes off the road as well. Now, you will have to believe me when I say BF was enjoying this, enjoying my fear, beingnpassive aggressive. He would never drive that way had a collegue been in the car, or his own daughter. He was swerving off the road several times and I had to take the steering wheel more than once. Mc asked why I didn't request him to keep hands on the wheel or such. I did!!! He was giving me the silent treatment, trying to get me riled up. When I didn't react, he went farther, until I had to steady the car from my passenger side, back into the lines of his lane on the freeway. After the second time grabbing the wheel, I DID in fact snatchnthe food and toss the last remaining spoonfuls of the whole thing out the window. Like, he was caring about the last morsels more than he ever would have, enjoying me squirm at his driving.

    Anyways...
    So while I am not going to give anyone an abusive stamp here...
    I will say...
    Knowing how I deserve to be treated, and my personal values, IMO way more important than being able to assign any label.

    I KNOW I do not control other folks via threats, so I would not ever tell someone to perform an action..."or else" I will punish them via certain behaviors. That is not kind, so I do not do it. So, when encountering the reverse, I do not take actions because I have been threatened.

    I would not have felt "forced" to send a text. I would have felt that the person insisting I send a text is going to have to deal with their uncomfortable feelings about this situation, and I will be prepared to either deal with their reaction to my lack of "compliance" or I will remove myself as a target of their reaction.

    I am willing to face the consequences of upholding my values. ...of adhering to my values.

    Way I see it is that I need to fine tune my values for any relationship anyways... so rather than stamp a person "abusive" or whatnot. I rather look at my behaviors, why am I inviting someone to threaten me? Am I allowing them a payoff to this behavior by acquiescing? Or are they getting a clear undeniable message that this is completely unacceptable?

    Cause "stamping" folks abusive, but not having my own self respect or understanding on how I should require folks to treat me, just caused me to walk away from one abusive relationship and into another less abusive one, but still abusive. But being ok upholding my values even if it means discomfort of watching that person threaten to leave me, throw a tantrum, or escalating dysfunction between us.... means folks who are not capable of treating me with kindness and respect, naturally quit gravitating towards me, or naturally end up fading away from me in their desire to attach to me.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

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  4. #3
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    i remember your previous posts, i was concerned for your safety, still am. you posted before that she yells, you yell, and she beats you to bruises, which imho sums up to her being the perpetrator of dv, cuz shes the only one engaging in physical violence. yet she was coming up with some bizarre claims of financial abuse cuz you forgot to refill her laundry card once (while voluntarily paying all of her living expenses). you also posted that she had you taking anger management classes for dv offenders, and you seemed to agree that thats who you are. now she got you to make a written admission of guilt to your coworker as well.

    sorry being blunt but it sounds like shes cold-bloodedly building her case, creating a record of you as a perpetrator of dv on her, framing you. i hope you have a good lawyer, cuz if im right - this is gonna cost you your good name, a lot of money, and possibly freedom. dv happens in private, so its your word against hers, the woman is usually assumed to be the victim unless proven otherwise, and she already has at least two prior admissions of guilt - your participation in that program and your message to your coworker (cuz i bet she took a screenshot of that). you realize that by now she can pretty much beat you to pulp with no consequences cuz shes officially a dv victim acting in self defense, whatever she does, carte blanche.

    heres a coupla youtube links:
    6min clip of a woman faking dv, laying on the floor, calling 911 and screaming and crying that her bf is beating her and is about to kill her, while her bf and their two young children are observing this. if the bf wasnt video recording the incident, he most likely woulda been arrested.

    2min clip from the news (2012 but still relevant) about an attorney who was accused of dv by his wife and had to prove himself innocent, which he managed to do by recording a phone conversation with his wife where she openly admitted she was making false claims in order to kick him out of their house. his lawyer says, "everybody who knew him knew this wasn't true" about the dv allegations, and still it was a hard case and the guy was really lucky to escape the false charges - and in your case you yourself are sending texts to your coworkers confirming that you are the abuser.

    if im wrong about all of the above - idk, it sounds manipulative and inappropriate, to blackmail you into bashing yourself to your coworker or else she gonna libel you. its a lose/lose arrangement where you havent done anything wrong but your reputation is getting ruined either way, whichever option you choose. its just not right, idk.
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  6. #4
    RichLOX Guest

    Thanks!!!

    SunFL0wer and Manya...thanks for taking the time to comment on my thread. I really do appreciate it!!!

    All of these things going on in my relationship can just be very confusing at times. Trying not to overreact or minimize my behaviors or my fiance's is very difficult. This episode is just an example of that.

    Again...I really appreciate the comments on the thread.

  7. #5
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    Trying not to overreact or minimize my behaviors or my fiance's is very difficult
    Can't emphasize this enough...
    Really is hard for me to "see the forest for the trees" when in any relationship....especially one where I am questioning if it is good for me, or even questioning if it is abusive.

    Times like this, I REALLY need 3D therapy help because the dynamics themself keep making me disoriented in what is ok and not ok and really hard cause my values and boundaries by that point have likely erroded over time and I really need another persoective to help me regain my footing on things... Even if I am still working on repairing the relationship... STILL need 3D therapy help to regain my footing...cause it just gets so darn confusing!

    Imo, I'm pretty useless for any semblance of a mutually healthy relatiinship if I forgot my values and boundaries on stuff....and losing my own foundation of stuff seperate from other people.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

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  9. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunfl0wer View Post
    I would not have felt "forced" to send a text. I would have felt that the person insisting I send a text is going to have to deal with their uncomfortable feelings about this situation, and I will be prepared to either deal with their reaction to my lack of "compliance" or I will remove myself as a target of their reaction.
    100% because no matter how much you give, an abuser will take more. Not saying that this is definitely an abusive relationship or whatnot, because I only know a few details, but even in a non abusive relationship I wouldn't put up with this. I did in the past and that experience has taught me how to find my line and not be blackmailed/manipulated. So not saying I'm some amazing, in control person that never gave in at all, because I sure did.

    Personally blackmail - emotional or physical - is a deal breaker for me in any relationship. Maybe harsh, but idc because I'm not putting up with that behavior any more. Yep, people walk, but usually those people were just in it to use or manipulate me. I figure if not they'd have no problem with not blackmailing me, I mean it's not so hard to not blackmail people. Bye Felicia.

    This is entirely my personal opinion, but in your shoes I absolutely would not be planning a wedding, I'd be making plans to move.

    for you, I know this is all difficult.
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