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Thread: Don't know what to do

  1. #1
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    Don't know what to do

    I moved in with my aunt and uncle 4 yrs ago to go to college and relied on them a lot as far as a roof over my head. They were so giving and let me stay there rent free. I remember my uncle coming into the room when I was alone, as a child, and giving me a shoulder massage and I remember it always being uncomfortable. Before moving in with them when I got older I had the thought hoping it wouldn't happen again. It did. Massages turned into hugs that lasted a little too long and coming into the bathroom in the morning when I was in my underwear to hug me- it always made me so uncomfortable but I never knew how to respond. I would laugh it off and move on with my day. He would make little comments like "you're so beautiful" and "you know I love you right.... I love you too much". There were times where he would get into my bed and hug me and rub my body (that felt horrible) and sometimes he would get dangerously close to personal areas. I would dread mornings and when I would hear him walking the halls I would tense up and try to be as quite as possible so he wouldn't hear me. His office had a connecting door to my bathroom and I was always scared that he would come in if he heard me. There was one time he came in knowing I was showering and hugged me through the shower curtain- I was naked. I didn't want any of this to happen but didn't know what to do because I really did appreciate him and my aunt letting me live with them. I also didn't want to say anything to anyone about it because I didn't want him to feel any repercussion because he had done a lot for me. I didn't 't want there to be an uproar. I finally decided I needed to get out and move out after he closed me in the laundry room, just him and I, after a disagreement. His way of apologizing was trying to kiss me- on the lips. I said no and he tried again. I pushed passed him and got out of the laundry room and we never spoke about it again. We have barely spoke since I moved out 3 months ago. I'm ok with that but I can't shake this weight of the secret I've held onto. I've never told anyone and I feel as though I have serious anxiety now over the smallest things and feel weird sometimes if someone touches me. I want to tell my significant other but I don't want them to cause a scene or not be able to go to family gatherings. The relationship with them and my family is already a little strained and telling this secret would just add to that. I just don't know what to do. I can't see myself living the rest of my life holding this secret in but I can't imagine my life after telling it being peaceful or positive either. I'm at a loss and would really appreciate any advice or feedback. Thank you all so much

  2. #2
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    For me, I feel that my healing process has gotten complicated by disclosure.
    Not at all saying it is a good or bad thing, just that it was a lot more additional stuff for me to process.

    Looking back, times that I worked first in therapy on stuff, before sharing with others, seemed to help me best. I feel like I want to first reveal stuff to someone who is loooking out for my best interests at heart, has no connection to the situation or dynamic at all, and is just helping me face my own feelings on what happened, how it affected me, completely about me and supporting me. I have never found such support from anyone besides a therapist.

    I realize many persons feel differently, prefer to confide in family or friends, however, just sharing what worked for me.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (07-20-2017),weepingwillow (07-21-2017)

  4. #3
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    Kindness & hugs.
    Got a slightly different take on this...think no matter how you spin it your uncle's behaviour was predatory. Coming into the room when you are in your underwear...hugging you through a shower curtain...kissing you on the lips. In my opinion that is overstepping the mark; a clear violation of privacy/boundaries. This guy knew what he was doing (bet he never did it if any one else could see him). He is untterly responsible for his behaviour and any consequences that may arise because of it. End of story. I am glad you moved out when you did.

    Have been in situations where bad stuff has happened and I reacted by not reacting. Took me awhile to realise that my response gave him a message that he had not gone too far...he kept testing me/grooming me. Eventually it progressed. When I objected he said I liked it...had never complained...lied and said I egged him on (I hadn't).

    Is up to you whether you expose this man's behaviour...must be your decision. Thing that helped me to process and heal from what I had been through was to work with a therapist. Helped me to see that I was the target of an out of control predatory man. Did I report him? No. Though have always regretted not doing this...worry that he may have preyed upon others - that I was not his only victim...pretty certain I wasn't. That he never faced the consequences that he deserved...was never made accountable.

    Feel for you and hope what I have shared helps as you grapple with the aftermath of your uncle's not ok behaviour.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  5. The following 3 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Blue sky (07-21-2017),Sunfl0wer (07-20-2017),weepingwillow (07-21-2017)

  6. #4
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    I live on hugs.
    Therapy has always been a way for me to say these sorts of things, get them off my chest. Then I don't feel like I'm holding onto this secret anymore, but not involving anyone that doesn't need to be or that I don't want to involve. That has been enough for me on many occasions, just that I'm not the only one that knows.

    I'm sorry you dealt with this. Just because someone helps you a lot and you're grateful for it doesn't mean they have any right to touch you.
    "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." -- Robin Williams
    "Don't be afraid of the shadows, that only means there's a light nearby." -- Evanescence
    "So when you’re feeling crazy, and things fall apart, listen to your head, remember who you are." -- Three Days Grace
    "But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned. You try to tell yourself the things you tell yourself to make yourself forget." -- Counting Crows
    "Our brains are sick, but that's OK!"
    "Peace will win and fear will lose."

    "And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it, and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone."
    "It ain't the speakers that bump hearts, it's our hearts that make the beat!" -- twenty øne piløts |-/

  7. The following 2 users say thank you to weepingwillow for this useful post:

    Blue sky (07-21-2017),Jane (07-21-2017)

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