+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Feeling Hopeless and Empty

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Feeling Hopeless and Empty

    Hello,

    I am new to the chat. I'm trying to find closure. My ex bf and i have been through a lot over the course of 20 years. I started dating him at the age of 23 and he was 34. He was my world, very charming, successful, good looking, and my boss. He swept me off my feet. In about a year of our romance his true colors came out. He started belittling me. Have me do things in the bedroom i normally wouldn't do. Everyone warned me in the office he does coke. I didn't listen until one day I saw from my own eyes. But still I stayed, I was in love. One day we got into an argument and I refused to have sex with him and he raped me but still I stayed because I loved him. He asked me to have his child. I told him I would love to be he has to get off the drugs. He agreed but it didn't happen so he dumped me and married another women in the office. I was devastated.
    We were together for 2 years. I ended up marrying someone else out of rebound.

    Fast forward

    Now I'm 40 and he is 51. 2 years ago he came back into my life. I thought this was meant to be...he came back and plus we are both older and mature. We are both divorce. So we started again. He told me he is sadist. I figured I knew him and I can manage. So our sex life was very disturbing. He would slap, punch and bit me leaving marks on my body. I had to constantly cover up the bruises. He would constantly put me down saying I gain weight even though I was still small frame. I'm a size 4. He would disappear for days, give me the silent treatment for days until I apologize, which I wasn't even the blame. But I couldn't stand for him being bad at me so I would apologize just to apologize. I wanted to make him happy. I would always say I just want to be happy with you.

    We finally started talking about moving in and getting married, which is all I ever wanted. We would face time each other every night and he would tell me he loved me so much and he can't believe we are about to finally do this after 20 years. I believed him and I was so happy until after 2 weeks he disappeared. I would text and call no answer. A week later he told me he decided to go a different direction and I should do the same.And he blocked me. Again I was devastated, I cried all day and became depressed. I drank and just wanted to stay in my bed. How could someone do this to me. Was this some sick joke? Did he ever loved me?

    We saw each other 4 months later and talked about getting back together. He claims he wasn't seeing anyone. He just doesn't know what he want. He was going out of town for business and I would see him again next week. He blocked me again. i emailed him no response. One day i just happen to google him and he has a baby on the way to a 26 year old who lives in Miami. (we live in a different state) Again I'm devastated. I'm even more depressed. I don't know if I can pull myself out of depression this time around. I'm so confuse. I feel like an idiot, I have always been there for him, I love him so much but then I think what is wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Why do I love someone who treats me so bad. I don't know if I can make it. I don't know if I can move on. I feel like I'm permanently damaged. I feel so empty.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    19,900
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Is hard when your love and loyalty is not reciprocated. Sounds a bit like this guy (for whatever reason) is not ready to commit to you and a permanent relationship. Has moments when he says (and no doubt believes) he is but just does not demonstate this by his behaviour. Idk seems to me you have two choices... to grit your teeth and put up with him as he is it or accept that he is a bullying abuser, not partnership material and move on. I chose the latter option - it was hard - lots of feelings of loss (emough to make me consider going back. Fortunately I didn't) however with time and the support of a trauma therapist I found that I did have what it took to move on and rebuild my life - to see that pinning my hopes on someone who did not treat me well was not and never would be in my best interests.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Lorey (06-17-2017),Sunfl0wer (06-17-2017)

  4. #3
    Unregistered Guest
    Thank you for the kind word. I just can't believe I'm going through this again.

  5. #4
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,473
    Affection
    test
    I have always been there for him, I love him so much but then I think what is wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Why do I love someone who treats me so bad. I don't know if I can make it. I don't know if I can move on. I feel like I'm permanently damaged. I feel so empty.
    Took me a while to learn that the way folks behave towards me or anyone else, really is more a reflection of who they are, not at all a thing to do with my self worth. Except for the fact that I have a tendency to tie my sense of self worth into how others treat me at times. Logically, I can see this thinking is flawed, however, it still seems to nag at me emotionally.

    I get that folks are responsible for their behavior, not me. And I am responsible for mine as well as my feelings, including my feelings of being worthy or such or not worthy. However, building and healing this in me is something I am needing lots of help and resources for, like coming here, seeing a therapist, researching, reading, and learning ways to care for and nurture myself and taking loving actions towards myself. Certainly is an ongoing thing for me. I do struggle with feeling worthy of existing, or of "good" things, or to simply relax and enjoy stuff sometimes.

    When I have been in relationships with an abusive dynamic, seems my focus would shift off of loving myself and shift to "not loosing the image/illusion of love I think I have" with this person...just cause being without at that moment feels excrutiating vs learning to love myself without the external sense of worth that I am attaching to.

    Looking back, see now that it is a natural thing to feel that excrutiating pain, learn to cope and sit with the pain, (which actually feels impossible and like it is gonna swallow me whole) then learn to love myself,(which I honestly resist as I tend to beat myself up in my thoughts) enjoy/appreciate myself without external attachment, then I suspect I may be more confident emotionally and bring greater self worth to my next dynamic...working on it!
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  6. The following user says thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Lorey (06-17-2017)

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may post new threads
  • You may post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •