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Thread: Forgiven my husband, now what?

  1. #1
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    Forgiven my husband, now what?

    My husband abused me for about a year. The worst of it was a hard open hand slap across the face, besides that there was alot of shoving, head butting, grabbing, getting in my face, light slaps on the head, throwing things at me.

    He knew he was wrong and always felt horrible afterwards and would be depressed and down on himself for days after. He has now gotten help and has gotten better. I never stopped loving him, and I have forgiven him. However I look at wedding pictures and other pictures of us and think "Wow, you'd never guess we had an abusive relationship" or "You'd never know looking at these pictures that he's abusive".. You can see in the pictures how much he loves me and how happy he is with me..

    My question is, how do I move on and forget about this? I want to look at my wedding pictures and be happy again, think about our love and our amazing wedding day. I want to look at all our pictures and just see our happiness and think about the good moments in the pictures. I don't want to think about the negative anymore.

  2. #2
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    Sounds like you been through some stuff with this man.

    My question is, how do I move on and forget about this?
    The way I personally see it is that people's behaviors show me who they are. So if my husband is being abusive to me, well, that is part of who he is, "someone who has been abusive to me," among other things of behavior. I cannot forget that or undo it. However, as a person shows me new behavior, I can then add that new behavior to my perception of who he is like, say my husband was abusive for three months, yet then he participates in an anger management class and then some one-one counseling sessions to lower his general anxiety level and he learns some coping skills, then say he is successful in applying these things and is discharged from his treatment and is spending 6 months or more actually successfully applying what he learned and treating me as someone he looks to protect and is a partner with.... well, while I will not forget he was abusive at one point, I will learn to add this new behavior into my picture of who this man is. I then can add in my mind that he was abusive, and worked in his therapy, and maintained skills after, and there is a man in front of me who now behaves with respect for me as tho I am his equal. So I will not erase the past, but I will add new behaviors to my view of who he is.

    Yet, to be frank, I have been in several abusive relationships and even ones where the SO said they were getting help, I thought they were getting help, and well, things never actually got overall better, they overall escalated as the abuse cycles repeated, and usually when I was in the mindset of thinking they were different this time it just meant our relationship had entered the abuse phase of "honeymoon phase" once again vs actual long term change.

    Also, for me, I personally feel that if my SO, or even if I have done something to damage the relationship whether it be abuse, cheating, drinking, etc... I personally believe that it is also the responsibility of the person who engaged in such behaviors to assist the other person in rebuilding the trust again. For example, when I caused damage to a relationship via my drinking and my partner had less trust in me, I did offer to keep a brethalyzer in the home and submit to random checks as he saw fit until he felt he could relax and no longer be worried if I was sober or not during conversations. It bothered me to see him respond anxious and I took some responsibility for his fear over my drinking and felt compassion towards him for it. Likewise, I feel if I am having trust issues with my partner cause they hit me, I expect them to participate in building support and hearing about my trust issues and way their behavior impacted me and also relate that to how it impacts us now. I expect them to take responsibility for the repair not only on their side, but as a support to me as well.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

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