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Thread: Advice child sexual abuse

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Advice child sexual abuse

    basically from the age of 6years-15years my dad sexually abused me... i stopped speaking to him when i was 17 for a year and then he found out he was dieing so i put the past aside for the family sake as i didnt want to have hate towards my dad when he died... fast forward 9ish years where my dad became a different man, a dad i should of had and we built up a friendship, after a argument with my mum February 2016 i stopped speaking to the family, in December my dad committed suicide that night he killed himself i found out he was supposedly looking at children images on the Internet and got arrested for it. .. the detective who was working on his case has been asking me all these questions as in his suicide letter he kept saying he was sorry etc to me... the detective wants to speak to me tomorrow to decide if i make a statement about dad and report the abuse.... im in 2 minds, im so confused i dont know what to do, i know reporting it is the right thing to do but i also feel somehow guilty and that im betraying him by reporting it... im sorry for the essay im so confused right now :( don't suppose anyone can help? sorry if ive posted this in the wrong bit (im new to here and to all of this, ive never spoken out about the abuse) xx

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    man, im truly sorry this happened to you. i can see why youre unsure what to do, it is a hard decision to make.
    cant tell you what to do, should be your call, but got some random thoughts:

    im confused why the detective needs your statement. your father is dead. he cant be prosecuted and sent to prison. he doesnt need to be stopped from hurting children. they caught him with child porn, so the reason for suicide is known. i mean, of course they gotta investigate to the fullest, and if something confuses them about his suicide note - of course they ask. im just wondering if theres any practical reason to making or not making a statement. cuz not like it can hurt him, you know?

    idk of course, but youre saying he apologized to you in his suicide note. so it was on his mind, this desire to acknowledge what he has done, accept responsibility for it, ask for forgiveness, etc. if it were my dad, i would feel bad hushing it down - cuz he didnt wanna keep it hush once he was gone, he wanted it known, he broke the silence, and now he cant control what happens with it - so i would feel bad reversing his decision and keeping it hush. not that his wishes would necessarily be my first priority, but youre talking of loyalty, betrayal, etc - to me loyalty would be to respect his last wish. especially cuz i personally think its just the right thing for him to do, to come clean on it and speak the truth. if he had the guts to do it - i wouldnt wanna hush it down. but thats just me.

    and i also think - maybe there are other victims. maybe they dont know he died. maybe they dont know he abused you too. i think it would help me a lot if i were in their shoes and you made a statement and the police contacted me or something, if i found out the truth. cuz then i would get a confirmation that it really wasnt me, it was him, and i didnt dream it, it really happened. i mean, it sucks that there were more victims than just me, wouldnt wish it on an enemy of course, but knowing that im not the only victim confirms that it wasnt my fault, that there was nothing different about me. cuz none of the kids i knew were getting molested, so i thought it was something wrong with me, you know. and if there are other victims - thats different...

    idk if im making sense.
    for you whatever you decide to do. once again truly sorry about everything that happened.
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  3. The following user says thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Sunfl0wer (06-04-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Oh, so sorry for what you been through.

    Yea, I would be very curious as to why the police would be interested in hearing my story and relationship with my dad.

    I suppose we all have to decide for ourselves what will be helpful to our healing or won't.

    I can understand that finding out, if it is for the sake of other abuse survivors could bring someone else some closure. Or maybe they got some ongoing investigation where dad was involved with folks that are currently abusing folks and it could help current victims, idk.

    However, for me, I am really guarded about my abuse. Likely cause when folks have known of certain things, they have often used that info against me in some way to cause me further harm or shame.

    While I doubt the police are wanting info to cause you deliberate harm, if it were me, my response would be...
    "Well, I'm not sure what I can share with you right now. Maybe if you help me understand what kind of information you are after and what for, I can think it over and prepare myself to meet with you later in the week to talk about it, after I talk first with my therapist. If that is not ok, I'm going to insist on representation before speaking to you because I insist someone representing my interests be present for this."

    Reason I would reply this way, is because I am very guarded about police using interrogation techniques on me. I personally often feel manipulated by their approach at times. I really prefer to have time to think on stuff and not just reply on impulse. I also prefer to formulate what I want to share in a trusted therapeutic enviornment vs on the spot with police. I may even prefer to write it out in a letter with my therapist. (I wouldn't want to write it out with police staring at me, but that is just me.)

    The approach of them wanting to know more...
    Makes me think they got a reason. I certainly would want to understand what they are after cause they are typically not after helping me heal from what happened. Like, undoing my trauma ain't gonna be their concern at that point. Typically they are after something else, maybe closing or investigating another case, so it is my job to ensure I feel mentally well enough and supported enough to speak things.

    Maybe it is something I want to help with. Maybe he abused kids with other folks participating and this is something I have to help with idk. I still may want to soeak to my therapist first, maybe a lawyer. Not that I think they will lock me up, just cause I really want to know what I am getting into. Maybe mentally I cannot handle a deposition or such, I just want to know my rights clearly before sharing info with police, what their point is, and where they headed with this stuff.

    Sorry if I seem really jaded or untrusting or such.
    Imo, my first duty is to Me, my own mental health, my own safety, cause I do not believe that is anyone else's priority except myself, and maybe my T could chat with me and keep those things in mind, but that is about it....I don't trust anyone else to be looking after those interests of Me. So as much as I want to help folks, prevent further abuse, as callous as it may sound... I would first see what it is I am getting into. Second, think on it, consult my T. Then maybe even consult an attourney cause I am not so sure I can handle speaking on the stand if that is where it is headed. Like maybe others are strong enough, can prep themself and such, maybe I can too, idk, just saying I think it is wisest for me to take a step back, gather info, then evaluate decisions like this with folks who do have my mental health as a priority.....not police.

    (Ps...I do have utmost respect for police...I just have legitimately as a pattern, been subjected to some manipulative tactics and this is a personal trigger for me that I am protective about...yet I am also sensitive about sharing with anyone anyway...and anyone who thinks they got a right to get info from me.)
    ”Not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand but ultimately they are indistinguishable.” ― M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth

  5. The following 3 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    kittenlover (06-04-2017),Manya (06-04-2017),weepingwillow (06-04-2017)

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