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Thread: Children in an "abusive" relationship?

  1. #11
    Unregistered Guest
    I really hope you do not think I'm an horrible person. I Maybe sounded very shelfish and that I dont consider my daughter at all, butthats not the case.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    May 2017
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    my experience

    I took my kids and left my abusive husband over a year ago. I'm not sure how bad your husband has gotten, but mine was severe. Some of the things I didn't view as "abuse" when I was there. I know that sounds weird. But since I've left and I've looked back on things.... it's like looking in a window. If you look at things as an outsider, some of it is absolutely abuse... but when you're in the situation, that's just life. It's hard to explain. My husband started with small arguments, just disagreeing.... then my side of the argument was considered "stupid" and I was just wrong. As time progressed, he would yell at me if I didn't answer my phone right away if he called me at work or if I cooked something he didn't like... suddenly I couldn't do anything right and must be cheating. If I talked in my sleep, he would tell me that I must have a guilty conscience. Needless to say, it snowballed and he kept getting worse and the abuse widened and increased. Before I left he had gotten to the point of death threats towards me and saying he was going to disappear with the kids. I had gotten to the point where I thought that something was wrong with me and I must be the one at fault because I was having trouble dealing with tolerating what he said was 'normal' and 'this is what couples do'. Seeing my parents married for 43 years now I knew that was wrong. But I wanted to stay because of the kids. I didn't want them to grow up in a single parent home. I left when he started telling me that he would do anything to make sure I didn't have the kids if I left him, even if he didn't have them, I wouldn't have them either. The morning I left (the kids were with my parents for the weekend), he told me that if the kids ever got back into the house, he would make sure "they never leave again, no matter what had to be done". I wasn't going to let him hurt the kids. I didn't know what I was going to do, I didn't know how I was going to do it, I just knew that it was time to get out. Now that I've left and I've seen how much the kids have thrived since we've been gone... I don't regret leaving for a second. I wish I would've left earlier. Having a child grow up thinking that abuse is normal and it's okay to do that to people is more detrimental then having a single parent. We go to court in a few months and tho I didn't document the abuse much, I hope what I can prove and what I can tell the judge will be enough. I don't mean for this to be a rant, but as a fellow mother, I know what it's like to worry about "what will my child think or feel?" I hope this helps. Good luck!

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  4. #13
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    I do feel a little bad although I know thats not the intention. I hope you understand that my daughter is everything for me. And Im really doing everything i can.
    I really hope you do not think I'm an horrible person. I Maybe sounded very shelfish and that I dont consider my daughter at all, butthats not the case.
    There are lots of members here at Fort, something I appreciate is hearing different perspectives, maybe something I haven't thought of, maybe hearing something I did think of but slightly different viewnor such. Yet that is just personally how I am and what I appreciate.

    Sometimes when I reply, I can focus in on and speak to what I relate to, maybe zeroing in on certain aspects that are speaking to part of me or such. Maybe other reply similar, or not so similar at all.

    However, something I also appreciate is that I typically find comments around here not too judgmental. What I mean is I do not think it is anyone's place here to tell you if you are a bad person or not, or a selfish person or not. I mean, maybe some do say another member seems generous or such, and that is ok, but for me, I typically do not find it relevant anyones subjective opinion of me here, or most places on the internet, heck, even many places irl I could care less what another's subjective views are of me....yet I am only speaking for myself...and sometimes it matters to me, but usually I find if my inner self worth is feeling satisfied enough, these things bother me less.

    I also do not feel it is my job to tell someone that they are a good person. Others may care to, it's not my business too much. And not to be rude but idk you, nor am I involved in any of the intricacies of your situation. That would be pretty presumptuous of me.

    Way I find things work best for me is to simply share, listen, process what I can...leave what I don't feel I need.
    We speak for ourselves here, so looks like folks are just sharing what they value and where they care to focus on speaking about stuff they relate to. Not sure I heard much else regarding you being a "horrible person" tho except what you wrote.

    Anyway, genuinely hoping something is useful for you.
    (Please pardon the not so succinct style as I struggle with articulation often.)
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  5. The following 4 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

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  6. #14
    Unregistered Guest
    I get where you come from Sunflower, and I totally understand that.

    Thank you a lot for the help and take care!

  7. #15
    Unregistered Guest

    Separation

    Hi again.

    I'e decided pretty Much to leave my husband and take my daughter with me for starters. I want att last a couple of weeks to think about The situation at another place.

    I'm scared of his reactions and Im not sure what to tell him when I leave.

    What can I tell him?
    Howard do I deal with his hypothetically bad reactions ? Threats telephonestalking, sms and such.

    What do I tell my daughter? How can I make this as easy as possible for her?

    What preparations for leaving did you do?

    Any experiences please.

    Sorry for opening another Thread.

  8. #16
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    i think every situation is different, and requires unique solutions. like i said, a dv centre/shelter counselor can help you figure these things out and come up with a plan of action. for example, youre saying you want to stay with your mother for two weeks - and what do you plan to do after that, how are you planning to support yourself and your daughter? what about his visitation rights? i mean, what you tell your daughter, your mother, and him, depends on what your plan is to begin with. if you're simply taking a two-week break to collect your thoughts and think about your options, you can tell all three of them that it's a vacation break. for another example, whose name your phone, bank card, and credit cards are under? yours, his, or both? cuz he can shut off your phone service or freeze your cards, if his name is on them, so it would make sense to get a prepaid phone and cash. then again, if you have no means of supporting yourself long-term, you'd need to take your name off those accounts (so that he cant run debts in your name) and apply for welfare. there are just too many variables, you need to talk to a dv counselor to figure these things out. click on "help" tab on top of this page, it has numbers and links to find these organizations in your area
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  10. #17
    Unregistered Guest
    Thank you for your answer!

    I have a Hard time deciding what's right and wrong when I am home because everything feels normal Then i cant think objectively.

    My thought Was to let him know just softly whats going on so he can think too. It would be very Hard to motivate a sudden vacation since she lives close to us.

    IF his reactions are abnormal theres nothing really to think about. If he doesnt react Im not sure I would Beleive in him. Cause that has happened before.

    Right now i live of my insurance until i can work again. In crisis I have my family to support me.

    Money are all shared, but i created my own account today.

  11. #18
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    I totally get why you have so many questions, but most of them we just can't answer. We don't do advice here either, so can't really give you advice on particulars of your situation. Like someone else said earlier (I think) all we can do is suggest you get hold of local services and tell you what happened with us. I do hope that things go as smoothly as possible for you and her when/if you decide to leave.

    idk about where you are at, dv shelter would know for sure, but here you can request a police officer come with you to collect things if you are afraid of violence happening then. Like was said before, it comes down to your particular situation and the laws where you live. There should be local support to help with this, most of it is likely to be free. Counseling for you and your daughter might be available at a dv shelter. You may have a legal aide available to help you work out things like finances, court situations like custody, protection orders from the police, and on.

    What I'm trying to say is that you don't have to do all this alone, someone can help you decide what's best for you - lay out your options and help pick the best ones for you and your daughter. I think you also said that she mentioned she was happier at grandmas, or it was more quiet or something of the sort. If it were my kid I would take that to mean that she's happier outside of your home than in it. Moving, divorce, court stuff is hard. Change is hard tbh, but being out of an abusive household and staying somewhere where she seems to be more happy and comfortable is very likely to be a good change for her. idk if your daughter is the same way, that's how my daughter is. I think overall it's pretty common cuz it's just best for them to be in a safer, quieter environment to develop into adults.
    "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." -- Robin Williams
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  13. #19
    Join Date
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    Kindness & hugs.
    unless things really deteriorate sounds like you can take the time to plan what is best for you - that you have no great need to make hasty decisions or leave in a hurry. I have some experience of being a revolving door leaver...leaving and quickly returning Realise now it was because I left without much preparation in a knee-jerk rather than planned way - meant that I left with really ambivalent feelings - felt that the decision had been forced on me by the latest episode of not ok behaviour, rather than being one I had made freely based on what I wanted for myself.

    Thing that helped me make the final decision to leave (one not based on what I thought was right but also what I felt was right) was to work with a therapist (accessed her through my local dv centre). Talking to her helped me to clarify my feelings - explore what they were based on - if I was happy, if the relationship was a healthy one for my son.

    Even when I eventually decided that I wanted to leave I did not rush this decision - I took time to organise things (stuff that manya has mentioned above) I also told trusted friends and family about my decision - built a bit of a support network around myself. Was a hard thing to do cuz up to this stage I had kept what was happening between me and my husband secret - covered up for him in fact (misplaced shame I suppose).

    Other thing I did was discuss my situation with a legal advisor (again arranged through my local DV shelter)...was an important step because he explained my rights as they related to our joint property and assets and how to protect these - also custody matters.

    If you do decide to leave it is a personal thing about how and when to share this decision with your husband - depends on lots of personal factors. My ex was a hot-headed sort of guy so I did not do this until I had a well developed exit plan and my leaving date was imminent...for safety reasons some people do not tell their ex they are leaving...maybe leaving a note as they walk out the door. These are the sort of practical details that you can discuss with the person helping you to develop your exit plan. Remember my plan was a very detailed one, even included a list of my sons favourite toys - treasures he loved.

    Hope what I have shared helps you as you continue to look at your options.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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  15. #20
    Join Date
    May 2017
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    41

    when I left

    When I was thinking of leaving, I only had a few days to start a plan. I had my mom put $25 a week aside for Christmas money earlier in the year (b/c my mom and I had a joint acct in case the kids needed something while they were with my parents). So that allowed me a little extra money for bills after I left. Before leaving though, I had started only paying cash for bills and any extra change or small bills I'd stash in my locker at work where my ex couldn't get to. I had the kids' papers (hospital paperwork, SS cards, etc) in a bag in the closet. I also had my important papers in the bag (SS card, marriage license, etc). I had put a few of my clothes (a shirt, pants, etc in the kids' bag when I would let them go to my parents house). My mom would take them out and keep them there for me. He checked all my text messages, phone calls, emails, Facebook, everything so I was very careful not to use my phone for anything. Not even to research anything on. I only researched abuse and DV on a computer at my job. I had written my mom a few letters (yes, snail mail because he couldn't track it) and mailed it at a post office that was on my route to work so he didn't notice any change in mileage on the vehicle. I wrote my mom my work schedule and a time frame of when I could call her every day I worked to tell her the situation. I had bought some stamps at the grocery store after I left work one day on a separate receipt so he didn't see the purchase and stashed them under my car seat until I could hide them at my locker at work. When I left, the kids were already spending the weekend with my parents so all I had to do was get the dog and leave. He threatened to come up to my work so I told my supervisor what was happening and she gave me some info on a DV shelter. I called the sheriff's dept at work that night and spoke with someone that told me my rights and suggested that if he was threatening me or tried to be abusive to me that morning when I told him I was leaving to file an Order of Protection. The deputy told me not to wait. He also told me get to my kids and stay with them because the state we were in grandparents have no rights and as a parent if he showed up at their house with a deputy and demanded the kids and I wasn't around, that my parents would have to hand the kids over to him as long as he didn't appear to be a danger to them. That's why it's so important that I file quickly if he was abusive and threatening. That way there is a paper trail and he couldn't just demand the kids. My twins were 6 months old when I left so it's a little different. I also had a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. So I didn't have to explain as much to him. He had seen what was happening. The day I left, he had pushed me back into our walk-in closet and had refused to let me leave. The only reason I was allowed out is when someone called my phone to check on me. You don't know how an abuser will respond when you tell them that you're leaving. Take someone with you, have a plan, have someone check on you after you leave, and stay in close touch with several people. That way if one of those people don't hear from you, they'll follow-up and make sure you're safe. I can't stress enough to anyone that is considering leaving.... DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Even if you don't think it's important at the time. I don't know if any of this helps. Good luck.

  16. The following 4 users say thank you to freedom2016 for this useful post:

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