+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: Children in an "abusive" relationship?

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Children in an "abusive" relationship?

    Hi

    I've posted here before but I couldn't find my old thread so I'll write a new one.

    To sum it up, during many years my husband has had the habit of freezing me out when I did things he didn't like,
    and things that he decided about the economy was absolute. I didn't really think about it at the beginning, but things like that
    and other things made me live in some kind of constant bad feeling.

    When I had to go inpatient because om my fatigue depression (overwork), he threatened, screamd in the telephone, used our child as things
    so I would come back home. And I was completely horrified.

    I got home, he was in remorse, crying wanting to change etc, and he really tried...

    But it all keeps coming back. Small things that upsets him. If I ask him the wrong question at the wrong time, if he is in a bad mood or not.
    If there are things that I disagree with him, he tells me I'm too emotional, that I'm unable to change, so it's no use talking to me.

    I've tried talking to him, he refuses therapy because he doesn't think we have problems. In fact, small disputes, or fights should soon be forgotten or repressed for the familys sake. And something is wrong with me because "everyone else" does this.

    Of course he is not all bad. He helps out with things too, if he is in a good mood.
    He wants to hug me and such...but lately my body just screams NO
    He is a good person, a good father?
    I'm not perfect either.

    Can you call this emotional abuse?

    But. I can't manage this anymore. It feels like our home is poisened in some kind of way. Somehow it just doesn't feels right.
    I've come to the point where I just can't cope with our homesituation anymore. I feel like I don't have control over anything. I feel trapped.

    I'm thinking back and forth, about separation and such, or 2 weeks break just to think?
    The thing is, we have a 5 year old daughter. If I separate with my partner how we she take it? Will she be damaged?
    Is she affected in some kind of way? She has said sometimes that she likes it when it's only her and me because it's more quiet then.

    I don't know. Help me.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    19,873
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Can only speak from my own experience, but as the survivor of an abusive home (my father was the main perpetrator) I use to pray that my mother would gather me and my sibs up and leave. Would have preferred to live under a bridge rather than with the not ok stuff I witnessed every day. Even now I can not understand why she as a mother did not take action to protect us.

    Think it is an unchallengable fact that kids are negatively impacted on by living in a violent environment...one they have no ability to control...I certainly was.

    My thoughts for what they are worth.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 4 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Andy (05-30-2017),Manya (05-29-2017),Sunfl0wer (05-30-2017),weepingwillow (05-30-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,134
    my parents divorced when i was a child, and i was very happy they did. it just wasnt working out, it was obvious to me that mom and dad dont love each other and cant even get along, so living together is causing constant fights and frustrations and annoyance and unhappiness, for everyone involved. i was glad this neverending tension was over when they split up. i could see both of them, just like i could see other relatives or friends. not everyone i loved was living in the same house, i had grandmas and such, we visited with each other, it was a normal arrangement. so it didnt cause me any confusion or stress that i dont live with one or both of my parents (we had different arrangements at different times). you dont have to live together to remain relatives.

    on the other hand, their relationship issues while they were living together did cause me stress and confusion. being totally frank - i think one of the reasons (no matter how small) that i was abused later on in life is the fact that i was exposed to this relationship limbo they were in. they were clearly unhappy to be together, yet they still stayed together. its this passive helplessness/fatalism/refusal to take charge/responsibility for fixing your life that i learned from this exposure, and that probably contributed to me being more susceptible to abuse later on in life. i mean, kids learn from parents...

    both mom and dad said that they stayed together this long for me, sacrificing their happiness for my sake. first, i didnt need such sacrifices, its unhealthy. and second - idk how did they think this would benefit me. spending time with dad alone or with mom alone was fine. spending time with both of them together was frustrating, unnatural, and depressing. for example, once we went to a zoo. they were arguing about this trip for months (the zoo was 20min away from both of their jobs, not like we were going to australia or something). it was supposed to be "family time" that was somehow obligatory. they explained to me that it wasnt supposed to be pleasurable, that its our duty to do this for some reason. so finally we went, and it was awkward. they were hissing insults at each other, but i didnt pay much attention cuz i was just looking at the animals. but then i wanted to ask a question, and they didnt hear me, and so i tugged on moms sleeve. while they were busy with their convo. dad yelled, i got scared and started crying, mom grabbed me by the arm (twisting my shoulder) and we left the zoo. on the way home we didnt talk to each other and didnt say good bye when we parted. i mean, im not complaining, its small beans, im sure every kid has a few such experiences, parents are human, they get distracted, annoyed, etc, happens, life isnt perfect or fair, its cool. but sacrificing their happiness to give me this experience was a dumb idea imho. id be much happier if they were happier.

    just my two cents
    Guidelines | FAQ | Talk to Mods | Get Keys | Contributors Club

    *Honorary Member of The Troll Patrol doing laundry in public:

  5. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Andy (05-30-2017),Sunfl0wer (05-30-2017),weepingwillow (05-31-2017)

  6. #4
    Unregistered Guest

    Thank you

    Thank you very much for the repsonses.

    I really think so too, that children really can get harmed in these living situations.

    My problem here is:

    Am I overexagerating things? Is my husband that bad? Shouldn't I try more even though I did several times?
    Is my girl really harmed then or do I just imagine it?
    Would she feel better to stay in this situation or to change the situation?(separation)

    What will be the best for her? I don't want to be the one that "destroyed our family", you know.

    But right now I'm actually thinking about leaving. Or at least take a couple of weeks with my daughter and stay with my mother.
    I have no idea how he would react.

    Normally or abusevily? And how can we cope with that. Many questions..
    But I think I'm ready to move a step forward at least

  7. #5
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,472
    Affection
    test
    Way I analyze these things sometimes is:

    Do I feel comfy and safe being Me with this person?
    Do I feel "at home" when at home and when with this person?

    If I feel like the enviornment, circumstances are changing who I feel I am supposed to be when being my authentic self... then imo, my attachment is fake/not sustaining to my spirit..
    Likely what is then keeping me from freeing myself to change things is: fear of the unknown/fear of change.

    Am I overexagerating things? Is my husband that bad? Shouldn't I try more even though I did several times?
    Idk about you, but for me, when I found myself asking myself these kinds of questions... it was a form of attempted denial, magical thinking, avoidance of seeing things for what they are, instead trying to see them for what I wanted them to be/ minimization. I was rationalizing and bargaining with myself to simply avoid making a decision to change my circumstances. Making such decisions to me is often way more scarey than what I am living, simply because what I am living becomes the familiar.

    Doesn't mean one way is right or wrong for me, just helps me to understand what is driving my so so strong emotions in how I am processing what I am experiencing.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  8. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Manya (05-30-2017),weepingwillow (05-31-2017)

  9. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,134
    with sunflower

    its gonna sound harsh, though i honestly dont mean it as criticism:
    relationships are voluntary. its up to both partners to decide what they want and what they dont want. and parents have the responsibility of making decisions for their children, figuring out what would be in their best interest. its hard to make these decisions, sometimes excruciatingly so, especially when you're involved in an abusive relationship (which clouds your perspective and results in confusion, uncertainty, and not trusting your gut). but the thing is - nobody else can or will make those decisions. not unless someone gets badly hurt and the authorities step in whether you want them to or not. in which case you wont be likely to keep custody of your daughter, due to inability to make decisions in her best interest. thats worst case scenario, hopefully things wont get to that point, but im just saying that until then your and your daughter's life are your choice, its something you gotta decide yourself. if only cuz you'll be the only one living with the consequences of this decision.

    there are dv centres/shelters in most countries, they offer free counseling - its not therapy, its just helping you figure out what your options are practically, what are the risks, how can they be minimized, what programs are available in your area, etc. its a better option than brainstorming these things online, cuz a 3d counselor knows your local laws and arrangements, and you talk to them one on one so you can share more details, and they can focus on your specific situation. its free and there are no strings attached: you can just come there and talk to them, it doesnt mean you have to move into their shelter, or even leave your partner. you can just talk, say thanks, go home, and not do anything about it.

    for you
    Guidelines | FAQ | Talk to Mods | Get Keys | Contributors Club

    *Honorary Member of The Troll Patrol doing laundry in public:

  10. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Sunfl0wer (05-30-2017),weepingwillow (05-31-2017)

  11. #7
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,472
    Affection
    test
    Something that popped into my head...

    Something that helped me to leave my most recent ex...
    (Even tho I had little choice in the matter)
    Was that as we were seperating households, I reminded myself this doesn't have to be forever.
    Lots of times I struggle leaving cause I think, thta is it, it is over forever.
    Yet why?
    Holding onto the idea that if we seperated, we could maybe take months and months of space, and reunite as different people after we both did our personal development work.

    Ok ok, yea, that was some serious magical thinking on my part, and part of my kinda knew that... yet part of me needed to hold onto that hope, but hold itand still move my feet in a safer direction for my kid and I.

    I did truly believe that we "could be" great for each other... IF...
    If only he would work harder in couples counseling
    If only I could let go of resentments
    Ect...
    Etc...

    My point is that...
    In counseling, my T prepared me that my heart and mind were NOT going to be in sync. I HAD to expect that. I HAD to experience that pain, there was NO way to avoid that.

    So as we seperated
    In my head, I held an image of us and how we could get back together again...
    After he did a certain amount of personal work
    After I did too
    After certain priorities were in sync
    Etc
    And I held this idea of an us that would work.
    And well
    I compared him and Us to that picture I held.

    Cause in a way...
    That was magical. But also NOT magical. Cause they were conditions that the relationship could work out imo. So they represented the possibility of us that actually was real..
    If if if...

    I am sounding too dreamy now. Will reorganize. Maybe my point is that holding onto my dream and seperating, seemed to be very important for me at that time. Finding a way to hold onto both, helped me to behave stronger, helped me to focus on what I deserved, wanted, expected, etc.

    Cause who is to say either are really right or wrong.

    I now have an image of what I would want of us if he ever pops into my life.
    I mean, probably slim slim that the way I want it would ever happen, yet, idk.
    Those are my conditions, what I feel I deserve, will accept...I got to redefine all that.

    I do love him. I do love so much about him. I did love who I was with him many many times....I miss a huge part of myself and how I defined myself in that relationship. Yet, some things for me were simply deal breakers. So I keep tucked way way way in back of my mind, a hope for a version of he and I that I feel would work, as if in fibe years from now, we will find each other and be new people that fall in love. Yea, maybe magical, but also grounded in having created in my mind an image that I will accept. So in a way, I also redefined what is acceptale via that held image.

    I guess I needed a way to change, without losing all hope of everything that was held dear to me.

    Ok, gonna stop rambling for fear I am sounding way disjointed and hoping there is something helpful in some words around here somewhere.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  12. The following 3 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (05-30-2017),Manya (05-30-2017),weepingwillow (05-31-2017)

  13. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    19,873
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Having been there I agree with what manya has shared, also with her belief that the decision to leave or not is one you alone have the right to make...that it is not an easy one.

    Bottom line thinking for me is that as an adult I have an utter right to live with whoever I like...make the decision to forfeit my own happiness to support a husband who does not treat me well, accept his treatment...decide that leaving is just too hard an option. In effect decide on the 'this is how it is and is likely to stay - but what I'm prepared to accept'...my non coerced choice.

    However imo the situation becomes a completely different one when minor children are involved - ones you have a legal or moral parental duty of care towards. Most right thinking people (and in some districts the law) would say that as a parent you need to put their rights above your own...act as their protector and advocate. This is what I wish my mother had done - she didn't and the long-term consequences on me and my siblings (and indeed her) had a significant and long-term impact.

    For you as you continue to look at your options and decide what is right for you and your daughter.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  14. The following 3 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (05-30-2017),Sunfl0wer (05-30-2017),weepingwillow (05-31-2017)

  15. #9
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,472
    Affection
    test
    Feel like admitting something a bit off topic ish

    Really appreciate the collective wisdom at Fort here...
    Getting several thoughts and perspectives...
    Was actually personally unable to process the situation to be including integrating the dynamic of parenting into the equation... just is too overwhelming for me to think of a kid in a situation where it is a "poisoned" enviornment.
    So I can see that I spoke as tho to a woman without kid. (Took me a bit to realize I had done that, so sorry especially cause "forgetting" about impact on a kid seems to be last thing one should ever do)

    Sorry, just was too hard for me to hold that in my mind at same time and consider.
    Hope that makes sense.

    Just felt like outting my own issue of dissociating in response to things that sound awful cause thought it could help make sense of piecing together reading thoughts. Hopefully not tmi. It is tho, to me, very hard to hear of a kid living in the type of situation which you describe.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  16. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (05-30-2017),weepingwillow (05-31-2017)

  17. #10
    Unregistered Guest

    Thanks

    Thank you really Much for you different opinions and sharing, really helpful.

    I do feel a little bad although I know thats not the intention. I hope you understand that my daughter is everything for me. And Im really doing everything i can.

    Thats one of The things as to why i need to change the situation.

    Im almost convinced what to do, although i havet to wait a couple of weeks.

    Thank you again for your wise words.

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may post new threads
  • You may post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •