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Thread: Is this emotional abuse?I think i'm having a breakdown.Please help me

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Is this emotional abuse?I think i'm having a breakdown.Please help me

    I’m not sure if it’s emotional abuse because most of what I have read is about power and control and he never tries to control me he doesn’t come across as jealous or possessive at all in fact often the opposite.

    It’s mostly the things he says. If I come to him with a problem he takes it as a personal attack and he ignores me, or mocks me, or aims to hurt me with words e.g Yesterday I said to him in tears ‘don’t you care about me when I’m down? And he replied ‘no not really, I can fake it though if you want’
    Then things like that make me cry and then because I’m crying which gets on his nerves he says stuff like:

    ‘oh here we go!’
    ’squeezing tears out again’
    ‘drama queen’
    ‘your ugly face’
    ‘shut up!’
    ‘look at you you’re mad’
    ‘weirdo’

    Or he laughs sometimes I catch him laughing at me or his face is usually in a smirk when I’m crying.

    Then after a good few hours of this I will be really down and probably not crying anymore but usually very quiet staring at the floor kind of in a bit of a state like a daze.

    On Saturday I was like that and said ‘I can’t take much more of this’ and he said ‘well go and kill yourself then do us all a favour, you worthless c**t’

    He’s told me to kill myself before and when angry he has told me he will hurt me or kill me or hurt the dogs.

    He’s said:

    ‘I could snap your neck so easily’
    ‘I will end up killing you in a few years, I couldn’t put up with a life of this’
    ‘I will do whatever I want with the dogs they are my dogs I will kill them if I want’
    ‘I should beat you to a pulp’
    ‘if you carry on I will hurt the dog’

    He’s never really hurt me though he smashes up the house a lot holes in walls, doors, mirrors smashed. The last two things he’s hit were in front of my face but I’m not sure if that was just a coincidence:

    1. The bathroom cabinet as I was sat on the loo crying hysterically he punched it into the direction of my face it hit me but not badly.
    2. The bathroom door as I was stood behind it he punched it and my face was behind it again. He then grabbed me and pulled me into the bedroom and threw me down on the bed with a lot of force even though it didn’t hurt because it was on the bed it scared me.
    3. But then he grabbed me once when we were on the sofa as I was crying and shook me and I got really scared and said ‘no please!’ and he let go of me and said ‘why are you saying that I would never hurt you’.

    He calls me ‘mad’ and ‘annoying’ the most and says they’re not bad things to say because it’s not rude it’s the truth.

    He is nasty to me until I’m crying hysterically and then he rings his mother and makes out to her that I’m mentally unstable and making his life hell. He makes out like I just became like that for no reason, that I’m mad so I start hysterically crying for no reason because I’m mentally unstable.

    Then when I say I can’t be in this horrible relationship anymore he says:

    ‘good, finally get some balls and man up!’
    ‘thank god, I was only with you because I felt sorry for you or was worried you will kill yourself’
    ‘yeah it will be sad but it’s not the end of the world I will get over it’
    ‘stick to it this time yeah and stop being weak and pathetic’
    ‘thank god now you can stop running my life and making it hell’

    He’s never really apologises for his behaviour properly he always makes excuses e.g:

    ‘I didn’t cheat on you it was on a break and we weren’t actually together even though I had said I wouldn’t see other people I obviously didn’t mean it when I made that agreement’
    ‘I know I shouldn’t have brought her to the house but I didn’t think you’d find out and I thought our relationship was over’
    ‘I should have stopped talking to her but I was scared we wouldn’t work out because you wouldn’t be able to forgive me so I needed to keep her there just in case’
    ‘I didn’t steal it, I borrowed it and was going to get it out of the pawn shop on pay day. You’d never have known. Anyway it was just sitting there while I had no money stop being selfish’
    ‘If I had thrown you on the floor that would have been bad but I threw you on the bed so it’s not bad’
    ‘I’ve never hit you so you can’t make out I’m like Trevor off easterners’
    ‘This is what I’ve been brought up around this is all I know’
    ‘If I feel like you’re questioning me I can’t not attack you back’
    ‘I can’t stop being rude to you I just can’t you annoy me too much’

    But then the next day or the day after that he will tell me he loves me and he wants me. He will apologise. If I have said I don’t want to be with him he will still flirt with me in the home and touch me suggestively, yesterday he pulled my top down as I had no bra on or if I’m bending down he will slap my arse and say ‘it’s still mine, I can touch it if I want in a jokey voice. I don’t mind it’s not like it upsets me but I feel like I’m putting so much effort into staying strong and keeping my promise to move on that he just isn’t taking me seriously.

    I had sex with him last week (I wanted too) we weren’t officially together. It was different to all the other times. Normally he is very gentle and giving. He wasn’t rough but he for want of a better word f****d me instead of making love to me like normal and I was a bit tender afterwards (I’m never usually tender). It was noticeably different sex than we usually have. There wasn’t any foreplay he just went straight in and he never does that. Normally, I use a vibrator to climax and he had sex with me in the position where I couldn’t use it. He said several things during:

    ‘when your with your new fella whoever he is I will come and take you off him so easily’
    ‘you aint my bird anymore so I don’t give a shit about making you orgasm’
    After he always cleans me up but this time he threw tissue at me and said
    ‘no girlfriend privileges anymore you clean yourself up’

    Then the worst I have probably felt I was crying and we he was being nasty to me and the dog by accident cut my lip (it’s a big dog) and it was bleeding quite badly and I said ‘J** help me, my lip hurts’ really crying and this was the biggest shock. I thought he would help me but he didn’t he just completely ignored me and didn’t show any concern at all! Afterwards he said we were arguing so why would I help you?

    I often don’t feel very supported at all The first time I noticed this was in my teacher training year I had had an awful lesson with Y11 and I came home and cried and he said after a few minutes ‘for god sake is this going to go on all night?’

    I should get over it always like him betraying me when he asked us to go on a ‘break ‘and sleeping with another woman in our bed is met with ‘just get over it or leave me!' Yet he has never really tried to apologise for what he did like sincerely and off his own back.

    I managed to keep my agreement to be broken up with him for a whole week but on the weekend just gone he claimed he hadn’t even realised we weren’t together and said ‘actually it’s been the best week I have had in a long time'. It hurt because it took so much effort for me to keep strong during that week.



    I have listed all the bad things but there are lots of good things as well he is very tactile (when I’m not bringing any relationship issues up),when watching Cinderella he pretended to be prince charming and put my work boot on like Cinderella’s glass slipper. He calls me his beautiful princess and his angel. He surprises me randomly with gifts e.g a new laptop and Dr Martins. He took the day off work to clean the house for my birthday and make me dinner. He tells me he wants to marry me and have children. He sent me a picture of me and the dogs with a heart and my world underneath and there is more.

    Is he just an unhappy person?

  2. #2
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    What you describe would really upset me...cause me to have very serious thoughts about staying. Hear that he has some good aspects...most people (including abusers) do. Does not mean these cancel out the nasty stuff. Idk are you in the position to ring your local DV shelter talk to the trained staff or maybe to a trusted family member. Sometimes if I am too close to and emotionally impacted on by a situation I find it hard to see it with clarity. From what you describe this man demeans you, laughs when you are upset, ridicules you, smashes things and makes you feel unloved and disrespected. Idk up to you but to me he would not be the sort of person I would want to spend my life with - think I would rather be on my own. Babies...having them with him - doesn't sound like he has what it takes, is stable enough, to be a partner let alone a father.

    For you if I may
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    weepingwillow (05-22-2017)

  4. #3
    Unregistered Guest
    Hi Jane,

    Thank you for taking the time to read and reply, your response is very kind. Last night he said he wants to get help and he said sorry for everything. But I know he can switch back so easily to being mean even he said it independently he said 'i'm like two different people and I can't help it'. When he is the horrible person he even looks different to me his eyes look different.

    Is it that bad to ring up a local shelter?

    Because he hasn't really physically hurt me even though he's threatened it I would feel like I was making a massive deal out of nothing.

    I wasn't even sure if I should say anything on here but i'm so down and worn down I think it's making me ill I feel like i'm living in a distorted world where nothing I think is real is real and there is no hope because it's getting worse.

  5. #4
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    hugs and kisses,but mind the feathers please.
    I echo all Jane has said..and would add ,if it were your best friend or sister..what would you tell her?
    Think you are probably in the UK so perhaps a call to these people might offer some more help on what is obviously a difficult subject

    http://www.refuge.org.uk

    Hope you can see a way through that keeps you safe.
    " A person's a person no matter how small" Horton the Elephant.
    "Why,sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast" Lewis Carroll,Alice In Wonderland.

  6. #5
    Unregistered Guest

    Is saying he is going to seek help

    I rang the national domestic violence advice line last night requested a ring back and asked her whether I should be ringing because he hasn't hurt me badly and I explained some of what he does and she said 'you have come through to the right place, this is exactly where you should be ringing' so that made me feel better because I don't feel like i'm going mad now.

    He came home from work yesterday and showed me a text from Islington mental health services where he says he has contacted and told them about his anger issues and he said he is horrible to me and they asked him to ring them for an assessment.

    But when he was filling out the initial assessment he made it clear that he wasn't a woman beater and that he doesn't just get angry for no reason because he doesn't want them to think he is 'a nutter or a bad person'. His said 'when they finally talk to me they will be like, oh he's actually a nice guy'.

    Even though what he said to them is true to some extent he has still pushed me and thrown me and punched doors into my face (whether he meant to do that or not) and he has threatened me with violence and threatened to kill me.

    Plus on occasion he has got angry and violent in the home (not towards me or because of me in any way) like to the door because of something like not being able to find his keys in the morning. Also, when he gets angry with me it's because i'm asking him about our relationship or i'm upset about him doing something bad or selfish or hurtful to me. I would never run up to him and scream in his face or anything. I never do anything like that ever! I just plead with him to care then end up crying when he starts being nasty. But he still responds with anger because he doesn't want to talk about it. So he doesn't always lose it because he is 'pushed' because I wouldn't say I push him, he loses it because he doesn't want to face what he's done or can't be bothered to hear about my needs or because my crying annoys him and makes him lose it.

    I feel like he is not going to give this mental health team the right view of him and he is good at putting a false image across and this worries me because then it won't work and it will all be pointless.

    I am at work but he has just texted him and asked him to come in for an assessment on the 6th June.

  7. #6
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    The 6th of June seems like a long time away to me for this kinda behavior. I would put more energy into calling the hotlines, getting together a safety plan/escape plan now while you can. It is something I wish I had done before things got physical. Even when they got physical I still rationalized that it wasn't so bad getting slapped in the face cause nothing broke, nothing bleeding, so I must be ok?

    Imo it doesn't matter so much what kinda help my SO is seeking, none of his "attempts" at anything matter much to me. His ACTIONS are what matter. Actions to admit and repair damage done, stay the course of counseling UNTIL I am comfortable. Many persons sign up for stuff to lure the other partner back in...give it a half hearted effort, complete a anger management course or whatnot.


    In the end, it is my own responsibility to keep myself safe. Better imo to focus on my own self care, what I want, what I deserve and if I am feeling I am not getting that, I can leave. I can also leave and decide hey, after you finish all this work, and I go into personal therapy, then lets meet up in a couple of months and see where you are at with it all and where I am at.

    Just personally, after having lived in so many DV situations, these days, I really want my home to be a place of safety. Even if my home is in a room shared in some tiny place I rent or such, Safety is my priority these days... and that includes emotional safety as well as the physical. If I felt myself losing sight of what is real and isn't, I would count this as not feeling emotionally safe where I am at in my living situation.

    Also, I find it hard to think objectively when living in such situation. Imo, helps to get distance from relationships I feel emotionally entangled in so I can formulate my thoughts and opinions without worrying how they affect the other person. Hard to think so well for myself about the relationship without first putting some space between it all...getting some breathing room. I can't see any good reason to not take a good few week break just to gain some ease with self perspective...formulate plans for self and safety...as long as on feels it safe to do so. On the other hand, Sometimes tho leaving and seperating may be dangerous and cause SO to lash out about this. So idk, depends on the situatiin so still the guidance from a DV shelter could be way more helpful than myself.

    Sorry you are not at a more peaceful place in life atm.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  8. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (05-24-2017),Manya (05-24-2017)

  9. #7
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    random thought: you ever considered counseling? not sure how it works in uk, in usa its available through any dv shelter, whether you live there or not. cuz it all seems kinda messy and unclear. you "break up" with him, he says "thank god", then you continue having sex, and he signs up for anger management stuff. i mean, im not following if he wants to stay with you or not, and if you want to stay with him or not. seems like either you are trying to fix a relationship that neither of you want in the first place - or that you are lying to each other about not wanting this relationship. either way it must make things super confusing to everyone involved. hopefully his counselor would help him figure out what he wants, so maybe you'd find it helpful to talk to a counselor too, to figure out what you want?
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  10. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (05-24-2017),Sunfl0wer (05-24-2017)

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