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Thread: Assaulted- and don't know if I should report or just move on with my life??

  1. #1
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    Assaulted- and don't know if I should report or just move on with my life??

    Hello everyone. I was in a toxic relationship for 2 years- the guy I dated was a mass manipulator. He was jealous and controlling. The first time he put his hands around my throat we were both drunk and arguing. He stopped himself when he realized what he was doing. Then just a month ago- he got wasted again and this time was worse- choking, slapping so hard he left bruises and then kicked me in the chest and I lost my air.
    His family enables him. His mom told me to "spit in his food and get over it". His friends stood on his side- even the ones that saw me after it happened. Even the ones that told me it wasn't safe to stay in my house and I should get somewhere safe. I have no witnesses. He has his lies and his family and friends on his side. After I got away, I got ahold of his ex before me and asked if there was violence. And she said that her experience was eerily similar to mine.
    So here I am states away from him. He's blocked from my life and I'm able to just move on and focus on my future....but it's eating at me. The fact that he got away with this- twice. And who knows what he will do to the next girl.....
    I am so torn and I need some sound advice here. I know it's ultimately my life and up to me, but I need some thoughts. Thank you.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    I am so sorry that your ex felt it was ok to treat you as he did - it astounds me that even though he left bruises on you his mom told you 'to get over it' and his friends are minimising it.

    Intentionally laying your hands on another in anger is not ok...never was and never should be. I am glad that you are now safe, but do understand how upsetting incidents like the ones you describe can be.

    When I first left my abusive ex I was suprised and felt guilty that I missed him (missed a peron who regularly thumped me?) took me to accept how I felt - that it was understandable. In my mind I knew I had not done the right thing by leaving but my heart was not so sure, was full of grief. Grief for loss of my dream of a happy ever after with a man I had loved...still did...for the loss of a relationship that despite all the effort I had put into it had turned out to be toxic and unhealthy.

    At one stage my grief was so strong I could have gone back...thank goodness I didn't. Can reassure you that with time and support things did get easier. Now I look back and wonder how I could have stayed as long as I did...fail to see that I deserved better. Most of all could survive and thrive without him in my life.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    gonna be blunt but dont mean it as criticism or attack or advice or anything like that. just sharing my honest take on reporting. for me its all about what my goal is, and whether reporting would accomplish this goal or not.

    if your goal were to get away from the guy, to get help escaping the bad relationship - by all means reporting would do the trick. would be an order of protection, dv shelter (i.e. free counseling, support groups, benefits, maybe even legal help, childcare, etc). but it sounds like you already got away, are states away, blocked him out, etc. so receiving support as a victim of ongoing domestic violence isnt the goal.

    if your goal is to warn other people about him, that hes the type of guy who beats women he dates, so that everyone would know about it - you might wanna talk to a lawyer. if you did not report a crime you cant accuse a person of it (e.g posting about it on facebook or something, its defamation of character charges right there). if you did report but they werent convicted - sometimes you might be able to mention the fact that you reported something, but its toeing the line, need a lawyer to figure out how much you can say exactly. for example, in some jurisdictions you cant mention their name, but can link to a copy of your report, which mentions their name. its legal issues, you really need a professional who's practicing in your jurisdiction, to navigate these things.

    and if your goals is to lock him up... i mean, what do i know, maybe theres a chance, never say "never" and all. from what i understand, simple assault is a misdemeanor: police gets a call about domestic disturbance, arrives there and sees you bleeding, handcuffs the guy, and he goes to jail for a while. he gets some space to digest the idea that violence is illegal - who knows, maybe he'll be the rare exception that actually gets the message. and you get some space to decide if wanna stay with him or not, and if you wanna leave - you can do it safely, cuz he's locked up and cant object, chase you, track you, cause scenes, attempt violence, etc. and if you're aiming for actual prison time for aggravated assault - thats a felony, trial by jury, gonna take evidence, witnesses, medical records, whole thing. plus its in another state: the police wont travel to you so youd need to keep traveling to his state each time they need something (which would be more than once). i mean, not my place to tell you to report or not report, and def not my place to tell you what would happen, just thinking outloud here...

    im sorry he done those things to you, and im sorry none of his friends or family wanted to support you. glad youre safe now though, for you
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  4. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jobriel (05-15-2017),Sunfl0wer (05-15-2017),weepingwillow (05-15-2017)

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