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Thread: Not sure how to feel about emotional abuse/confused about family rumors

  1. #1
    Cursejar Guest

    Not sure how to feel about emotional abuse/confused about family rumors

    So this is part rant and part question at the end so if you wanna skip the rant I'll put marks around it

    RANT START
    My father is an extremely hot tempered guy. I know he loves me but I am completely unable to have more than a surface level relationship with him because of how he treats/treated me and I have to lie to him about my real life like my jobs and hobbies and friends because he gets really mad if I'm not doing what he wants.
    When I lived with him he would freak out over seemingly random and unimportant things. Here is a few examples. once I was trying to pull the blinds open and they fell down (not my fault) he screamed at me and pushed me down when I was like hey, it was an accident. One time I made a salad after school and he screamed at me because he said I should eat snack food and got in my face. One time my little brother was being too loud and my dad punched him in the face. Once I snuck one extra donut than I was allowed when I was little and he sat me and my brother on the couch and screamed at us for at least an hour and I was too scared to tell him I did it. He would try to always be picking fights with me out of nowhere by coming in my room and saying mean things or being provocative saying things that made me mad. Whenever I stood up for myself that would just make him really mad and he's held me down by the back of my neck and pushed my face on the bed and yelled in my ear. He called me a slut when I got older then when I got mad at him for it he was like I never said that, and he was always accusing me of doing drugs. Once I cut my hair and he refused to talk to me for like 24 hours because he though my haircut was ugly like wtf. When I was 15 I had a lot of emotional problems and was talking about killing myself and was cutting myself And telling my boyfriend about it. Well he got parents involved and my dad straight up told me I was selfish and dramatic, screamed at me, my boyfriends mom had to stand up for me, he took my door away, so I was like please put me in a mental hospital so I can be away from you, he came to the damn mental hospital, walked in my door and starts yelling at me. Also I got grounded for cutting myself and my phone taken away. How's that supposed to help? I had to ask myself to see a therapist, as if it weren't obvious I needed one. He would insult me and the things I was interested in and he would make fun of me when I was depressed and looked through my personal stuff. And he would always tell me my hairs greasy and I have pimples and blabla kinda nonchalant but it's like stfu I don't go around telling you you're overweight, you already know. He was more hard on my brother as a kid and he was more hard on me and a teen. But overall it felt like the whole family was just trying to constantly avoid him having a crazy outburst at all times and my mom only ever tried to keep it under control but she never did. It could literally be over anything and you have no idea what's gonna set it off

    He would always say we were lucky he didn't hit us (which he has hit my brother but it wasn't a regular thing) but then he would threaten us and he would hit our dog and take out aggression on her. He would talk about how his parents were so abusive, and they were. I think he has ptsd because his parents were terrible to him not gonna go into exact detail but like physical violence and unstable parents. But I almost wish he would have hit me just enough (obviously being hit and beat is bad and not something to desire sorry for anyone who had to have that happen to them) for me to be like ha! You are abusive! Because I feel like he treated me like property and and has zero respect for me, and then he couldn't justify it by saying he never hit us. Also I feel like if he's gonna threaten me why not just actually hit me, like I wanted him to do it so I could hit him back. It was also weird because I would feel like I have to plan my escape if he actually decides to try and beat me up like looking at the frying pan on the stove wondering if that would be a bad weapon. Does this make sense? He would probably say I'm soft if I said he's emotionally abusive, but I think he is and I don't think it's soft to acknowledge that he treated me with disrespect and I'm not willing to tolerate that in my adult life.
    RANT OVER


    HERES THE QUESTION
    So there has been some weird stuff that has been said about my dad and the reason it's still in my head is because it's from 3 different places. Warning I don't have any memory of these accusations being real. My aunt, who's schizophrenic accused my dad of molesting me (and maybe my brother?) and saying that's why I'm so messed up. Someone also put something on his bumper sticker on his car that says I'm proud of my Cub Scout, but they put molest my Cub Scout. And my half sister (his daughter) her mom accused my dad of molesting her.
    I don't know wether I should ask her about it. He told me she said it was her babysitter. But I just wanna know from her. Should I ask her? She has been in my life for a little over a year now. I also know my parents split up when I was a baby and then got back together and I don't know why, but my mom said he started going to church and seemed really changed and that if I thought he was intense now I shouldive met him when he was younger. I don't know if I should dig around and try to see why and if my mom knows anything she isn't telling me. I don't really want to ask her outright because I don't want a bunch of family drama.

    I do love my dad even though I keep my distance our relationship has improved now that I can just leave and go to my own house if he wants to have a conflict and he knows that so he doesn't push my buttons as much. I feel bad for wondering if he would do something like that but it's been eating away at me.

  2. #2
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    Sounds like your dad has a very volatile temper - know people like that - one in partucular takes an all guns blazing approach with his kids...not one for taking a more reasoned approach to parenting. Not easy people to live with - harder if you are a kid with limited choices.

    Sounds like you are no longer living with him hopefully that is a relief.

    Rumours you have heard about him? You've spoken to your mom about them she has told you what she knows. Idk if approaching your half sister (the alleged victim)' Can not tell you what to do - must be your decision however, in your position I would not do this - would not feel it was my business. Would accept it was your step sister's choice to raise or not raise this matter with you. I have always proceeded very carefully with unverified rumours - often are just that...without foundation.

    My opinion for what it is worth.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. #3
    Cursejar Guest
    Hi Jane, I could see why you would suggest not asking my sister. It is a very sensitive topic and I don't want to open any old wounds for her. The reason I was considering it is because I am worried that it could have happened to me and I don't remember. I'm worried because of the fact that it's been brought up three different times from different sources, on top of my parents splitting up when I was a baby and not knowing the reason. I won't believe this accusation to be true unless something proves it to be true, however I do want to find out more information to get rid of the doubt in my mind. I may have phrased what I wrote strangely, my mom has not told me much of anything regarding her and my dad's problems when I was an infant. Only that they split up for a while and he started going to church and acting better to get her back. I'm trying to think of questions to ask her that won't sound too intense, but will help me figure out why they split up. My mom keeps many secrets to keep the peace in our family. I know that because she will lie for me to prevent arguments, so I think it is possible she would hid things from me too. Though it is well intentioned

  4. #4
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    I don't know wether I should ask her about it. He told me she said it was her babysitter. But I just wanna know from her. Should I ask her?
    My sister did ask me about a rumor of abuse towards me by a male. I lied, told her no.
    Reason is, I did not want my sister to then have a reaction to MY abuse. This is very personal to me. I did not want her blasting this to others, and I know she would. I did not want her making it all about her and how she had to cope with knowing and such. Not at all saying you would do any of these things, or that like anything is "wrong." Yet, IMO, my abuse = my business. Even if a sis is asking me to protect her kids I'd likely say, "If you don't feel like you should have your kids around him, then don't." But I would not feel obligated to come clean with what happened wih me at all. Imo, choosing the way I share or don't share is very important to my own healing. Feeling cooerced or obligated or such to disclose before I desire to feels like another thing forced upon me similar to getting unwanted touch. That may sound extreme, but it is how I process it. My disclosure for me should be on my terms only.

    However, on the other side of this, if I heard rumors and it was my sister they were about and say another, I may, instead of confronting her, open a door for conversation. Like, I may try to have a casual attitude about it that hopes to show I can accept things either way, either possibility...if that makes sense.

    .......

    Idk though, seems like you do have some feelings about your dad's behavior as your memory stands. Imo, if it were me, this could be plenty to justify my need to work on stuff for myself, without even knowing any more. ...if that is what you choose.

    There are some things that have happened to me, that I will never get a clear picture on. I still am left with aspects of myself that pop up and have pain, guilt, shame, etc. imo, these aspects of my self are what beg for attention from me the most....irrespective of how they got there, they exist and are valid and need me to listen.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

  5. The following user says thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (04-23-2017)

  6. #5
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    Agree with sunfl0wer that it is enough that you feel traumatised by your father's behaviour. Just wonder if your question about whether he sexually molested you is answerable...in my case much of what happened to me happened in secret. Yep probably were suspicions at the time, but no hard evidence then or now. Later stuff was different - I was mature enough to lay down some memories, involved stuff that left scars. Idk your mother and sister may be in the same situation as you...have no firm evidence to confirm your fears that you were molested.

    Just a though have you considered working with a T may help you to process the stuff you are grappling with - find some peace with this unknow you are currently grappling with.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  7. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Sunfl0wer (04-24-2017)

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