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Thread: after abuse?

  1. #1
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    after abuse?

    since the incident my husband is currently in rehab and has expressed through other means that he wants to mend the relationship, i am concerned that he may be miss understanding me when i said yes. i want him to know that i am willing to work things out but we will have to live apart and basically hit reset on our relationship. i am wrong?

  2. #2
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    We cannot tell you if you are wrong or not. Really isn't for any of us to judge. Also, "wrong" is such a subjective word. Helps me sometimes to think in terms of: Is this working for me? Am I safe? Am I getting my emotional needs met in this relationship? Am I able to be me? Has this relationship been enhancing my life? or has it been feeling like it is dragging me down and has me constantly uncertain?

    Way I see it, is that past behavior is a pretty good indicator of how someone will treat me in the future. I do not expect folks to change too much. That is just how I personally look at things.

    I have been in counseling for DV in a past relationship and there was a very very clear protocol that the therapist was implementing. If I had a sister who was in a situation of DV, I would advise she take the route of what I went through in my own DV therapy sessions.

    1. Relationship was on complete hold until T felt offender completely and utterly admitted they were indeed abusive. That offender could speak of/admit being abusive without any excuses or mitigating circumstances, taking complete 100% responsibility of what occurred. Both parties had to fully admit and grasp without denial the scope and importance of this being an abusive relationship to date. There were no promises to work things out. It was at a complete stand still to simply live day to day processing the abuse, how it went down, and all thoughts and emotions about it.

    2. We both did this processing in individual therapy sessions with the therapist. Our previous couples therapy was now solo's and the main focus was discussing safety and abuse and how we each were processing this.

    3. When therapist deemed that offender was indeed accepting 100% responsibility, the couple could work on reunification. However, the clear understanding was that the relationship would never ever go back to "what it was." We had to reunite on new terms as a new relationship, new ways of learning to relate. We would not get some "honeymoon reunion" of things back to what they were after our solo sessions were done. There would be no pretending that this was not an abusive relationship, pretending "this is now all behind us" as we needed to both be active in stopping the cycle in the dynamic between us.

    So, imo, I would be very guarded giving advice to a sister or such who was insisting to reunite with her abusive ex, however, if she was insistent, I would share the above with her. That imo, those conditions must be met.

    Anyway, that is my opinion. I'm sure others think different so I am just sharing my own fwiw.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

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    weepingwillow (04-24-2017)

  4. #3
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    i am concerned that he may be miss understanding me when i said yes.
    Personally, I would be suspicious and concerned he actually did not misunderstand, yet is attempting to coerce me into agreeing to reunification without doing the hard work.

    At the very least, I would stand my ground: This relationship is over. If you do above steps, and I do too, and at the end a therapist is content with reunification...then and only then I MAY try, with complete understanding, that the relationship we had is over...and we work to build a new one in couples counseling, and even that may not work to reunification even if we both want it.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

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    weepingwillow (04-24-2017)

  6. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    since the incident my husband is currently in rehab and has expressed through other means that he wants to mend the relationship, i am concerned that he may be miss understanding me when i said yes. i want him to know that i am willing to work things out but we will have to live apart and basically hit reset on our relationship. i am wrong?
    Make absolute sense to me that you have set this boundary. In effect said 'I will work with you on our relationship but am not prepared to live with you/throw my lot in with you until I feel I cam trust that you have made the necessary changes and demonstrated these to me'.

    If only I had been as strong...needless to say I wasn't and ended up being the target of his unmet intentions, failure to take responsibility for his actions.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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    weepingwillow (04-24-2017)

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