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Thread: My abuser's supporters

  1. #1
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    My abuser's supporters

    I spent thirteen years in an emotionally abusive relationship. It's been a year and a half since I left, and I finally began speaking about the abuse I experienced. I received an online message from a friend of his, someone I've never spoken to, telling me that by talking about it, I'm abusing, harassing, and defaming him. I've blocked all contact with this woman, just as I did with him when I left.

    The issue I'm facing now is that both of them are part of a social organization that I am in. Him very recently and her for almost a year. I've spoken with the group organizer, who assured me that my ex husband would no longer be welcome if I wished to continue attending gatherings. No such promises can be made about her as of yet.

    In her message, she took it on herself to tell me that I'm alienating myself from the group, that my behavior and not his was frowned upon, and I would no longer be accepted by my peers. I've forwarded all the messages to the organizer. He assured me that she rarely attends and doesn't speak for the group. Just her and two or three of her friends.

    After being bullied and intimidated for so long, I don't want to give into her veiled demands to leave the group. I'm fully prepared to avoid her as much as possible, but I'm not sure what I should do if she confronts me at a gathering.

  2. #2
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    Hear you. It is always hard to deal with nasty reactions from others. Seems that you have taken the available steps to manage it within your social group. from this point seems the only options are to grit your teeth and accept that you can not necessarily control others behaviour, that hopefully she will get sick of scapegoating and gossiping about you.

    When I have been faced with unwarranted bad press I find it helps to not add fuel to the fire...to act like an adult...not react...walk away change the subject (hard!). Truth is it says far more about her than you. Other option if things get too bad is cut your ties with the group...hear that this is not what you want and I hope it does not come to that.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    theredmarker (04-09-2017),weepingwillow (04-08-2017)

  4. #3
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    idk if this would work for you or is an option, but in a situation like that I'd just say "excuse me" and walk past her. Would give her the clear picture that I'm not wasting my time on her, and makes me me feel more in control of the situation. It may seem a bit childish, but there's no rule (that I'm aware of, idk what kind of group it is) that says you have to acknowledge or speak to her.
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  5. The following 2 users say thank you to weepingwillow for this useful post:

    Jane (04-09-2017),theredmarker (04-09-2017)

  6. #4
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    i agree with willow, if im having a conflict with someone i dont like and dont care much about - i prefer to not engage and have the authorities handle it instead. group organizers, law enforcement, etc. youre saying your ex was abusive, shes saying youre abusive - idk which of you is abusive but i figure eventually one or both of you will start filing for orders of protection against each other, pressing charges for harassment, suing for defamation of character, etc. and then the courts will sort through this whole thing. meanwhile if you speak publicly about him - his supporters will also speak publicly, its only fair imho. however, if you dont wanna talk to them, you dont have to. like willow said, welcome to say "excuse me" and keep walking.
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  7. The following user says thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (04-09-2017)

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