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Thread: Dealing with abduction/serial rape survivor... how to heal her and me...?

  1. #1
    Peter le Cornu Guest

    Dealing with abduction/serial rape survivor... how to heal her and me...?

    I need help somewhere. We met, she at 15, me 18, were together 1.5 years, then I was held and tortured, and she was kidnapped and kept a captive for 2 years during which time raped extensively and violently by a sexual sadist, controlled her by anger, "punishment sex", food deprivation, terror, threats, beating, gave her to other men, dragged her to other countries, forced her to deal drugs for him, had her so deep in Stockholm she can still speak Swedish. She ended up with gonorrhea and pelvic inflammatory disease, which put her into the hospital and lost her an ovary. That's how she got away... by the time he'd found her again the hold was broken, he had a new victim, and then he disappeared.

    I found her again, 45 years later. We are together. She has MPD (now called DID), is a MESS psychologically, no surprise. I am trying to help her heal. And me heal, as I was also put through diverse traumas and also have PTSD. I have her angry defensive alter in my face a lot... she is in denial, thinks it's best not to speak of it, insists she can live in the present... also claims damage is permanent, part of her, can't be removed.

    She is driving me nuts. I for 45 years wanted to find her, I love her intensely since 1968. She will not report what happened, though the perp may still be alive, would be about 70. I'm attempting to find him too. Justice must be done.

    We were both raised by narcissist parents, were as I think about it now, a very beautiful teenage couple. We loved each other intensely, were perfectly compatible. We saved each other briefly from our respective emotional deserts, and then the world blew up.

    I don't know what I expect anyone here to do about it. I want to talk to someone. We need help.

    Current insurance won't cover therapy... waiting until in 6 months she is on Medicare.

  2. #2
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    im sorry to hear of what you and your significant other went through. glad you reunited now and have each others support, its so important to have someone in your corner, makes a world of a difference. hope both of you find the help youre looking for, even though it seems your needs/wants are different at this point. i understand your frustration with her refusal to report what happend and to speak of it with you. i think its her right though, to choose what to do with her life now that she's free from abuse, to choose to report or not report, to talk or not to talk, or whom to talk to. years of abuse made me appreciate the freedom to make choices. its sad when my partner is upset by the choices im making, i been there, know the feeling, but its still my right to decide what to do with my life, and i hope people who love me will see it this way and find their peace with the decisions i make, even if they feel im making a mistake. i think in the end of the day freedom is more important than correct decisions.

    for you and for your partner
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  4. #3
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    Just want to say that I relate to having a severe dissociative disorder and really wanting help but not being able to afford it. Somehow I managed to find this lady at a church who was trying to accumulate hours for her degree so she saw me for like 5 bucks a visit. I say idk how I managed to find her cause I literally do not recall. . Like, she was affiliated with some church, a church counselor and I never attend that church or faith but maybe I asked for help from a teacher who referred me to the church for counseling, idk.

    Her help really wasn't at all so great but it did happen to be better than nothing to just have someone who would listen. I am sure what I needed at the time was someone proficient with way more experience in trauma but it was useful to get through that time in my life.

    In my experience, depending on the level of help my partner is offering me or me offering my partner, things can get mucky if one of us is trying to "play therapist" to the other. Not saying you are, cause I seriously don't know but am sharing thoughts that pop up for me. ...just saying in case helpful to hear. For me, instead of helping my partner heal or vice versa, kinda has been better to take an approach at "supporting stability" or "supporting use of tools for coping." Hope that makes sense.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

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  6. #4
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    prayers are hard... safe hugs okay.
    I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you both. I can tell you are hurt and frustrated, and care deeply for your girlfriend.

    However, I feel the need to share from experience that what you are asking for in wanting her to heal could be really scary for her. DID is super complicated, and every single alter she has is there for a reason. She needed them to survive, and all of them are part of her now. If you have her "defensive alter in your face a lot" you may be pushing too hard for her to get better, to fight back, or even just to remember. All of these things can be very difficult to pursue, and what she needs to get there is safety and support without pressure. If she can be in denial it may be best to let her be until you can get a therapist to help her deal with the anxiety and reality of what happened to her.

    Living in the moment can have an amazing healing power, if you can achieve it. Building positives to balance out all the pain can be important. I don't know how long ago she managed to escape, but she just may not be ready to face it. It took me six years after I got out of my situation before I had an inkling that anything was wrong... two after that before I was willing to admit it and go to therapy.

    One more thing... you said she has said the damage is permanent. I'm not sure exactly the context, but in some ways she is probably right. Not that she can't heal, build a happy life, maybe even reach the point that she can reintegrate and not need to be multiple anymore... but she will never be the same as she was 45 years ago. Too much has happened. In that much time anyone would have changed, even without trauma involved. With what she went through, asking her to be like she was before isn't fair.
    I'm not saying that is what you are doing, but if that is what she is hearing it might explain her protector's anger. She needs to know you love her and accept her now, as she is.

    I hope what I've said is helpful, and like I said I don't know either of you so I could be way off base. If so I'm sorry.

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  8. #5
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    Hear your story...the struggles you and your partner are dealing with...

    Thing that helped me more than anything else was to have a partner who was able to remain in touch with our day to day life and daily living needs. To focus on 'ordinary' things...to help me to keep my past ring fenced off and in its place by realising that we still had a great life we could live. Helped that we sat doen and reached an understanding that we would not spend our time focusing on our nasty histories - their unwanted impacts, instead we consciously choose to seek opportinities for involvement, fun and loving acts in the here and now. Sure, we support each other however not to the extent that this disrupts our ability to connect as a couple, to share and do partner type stuff together.

    Realised that the approach above can only work if the need for post traumatic support is recognised...that arrangements are in place for this to be attended to outside the relationship.

    Suppose the point I am sharing is that in my case it really helps for me and my partner not to muddy the boundaries between our personal and my therapeutic support needs...for her to not slip into the role of becoming a too emotionally involved adjunct therapist...for me not to expect her to play this imo impossibly demanding role
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  9. The following 4 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Amaris (04-07-2017),Manya (04-07-2017),Sunfl0wer (04-07-2017),weepingwillow (04-08-2017)

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